Am I being fooled???

[pacificelectric]

I have been in a long distance relation with a widow from Davao and in spite of some arguments and misunderstandings have been able to build something quite strong. For some reasons I have had insecurities because of her past as she has been married for 12 years before being widowed and now and then I had these fears that her past would interfere with our present and future.

Recently we had other arguments and things have become more difficult and perhaps because I am starting to wonder if this relation is really viable I decided today to discuss a topic which we virtually never discussed before: the future of her children once we would be married and after she would move to France with me.

She has three children: one daughter aged 23, a licensed nurse recently graduated, a son aged 19 who is studying to be a chef and a daughter not even of legal age, due to be 18 in March 2010.

So far she has been very open minded and willing to discuss freely and openly any subject, but when I asked her what would happen to her children after the marriage she immediately closed down and told me in an embarrassed tone that she was reluctant to discuss it as she preferred to wait until we would be together as I should visit her in September.

I politely but firmly insisted and she said that it would be better to discuss that later, perhaps after the marriage (!) and she said that normally in the Philippines you should not add an embarrassment to another one and since (she said) I have anxieties about her past I should not discuss her children’s future now. She’s 50, intelligent and smart but I am 54 and not totally dumb. I clearly sensed from her voice that she was just finding a cheap excuse to avoid the topic and when I ended up asking bluntly if she intended to bring her children with her in France she said “of course not”...

We parted a bit coldly and after she sent me an e-mail of which I am showing this excerpt:

i'd better discuss things about my children if we are alone and talking face to face. i dont want to make you anxious about them as for me its still too early. we have to meet first before anything else. i'm glad its already next month and i'm sure we can plan and discuss it openly when we will be alone. i dont want to add your anxiety coz i observed we still argue on my past and and you have not overcome yet your personal anxiety...

Quite smart indeed.... But this of course is interesting:

my family will not be a total burden to you. everything in the future that involves you, will be openly discussed and for you to decide of course.

My understanding is that what is not a total burden is a partial burden and this is probably what needs to be “openly” discussed....

I have never suspected her of being a gold digger even if she is not affluent but this recent incident on top of her frantic desire to get married as soon as possible are instilling some doubts in my mind..... I know that when you marry a Filipina you marry the whole family but I have read enough stuff on this very forum about quarrels and misunderstandings over “sustento” and financial assistance to the relatives to be careful and even if I am not kuripot I do not like to look at myself in a mirror and see the word “sucker” engraved on my forehead....

[Tawi2]

Difficult call,when you marry a pinay you dont always marry the family,depends upon the individual,some owe more allegiance to their husband others still feel more love towards their family,and some are torn in two with utang na loobWomen cant be categorised,Oh my filipina wife is submissive,she is quiet,she does this...she does that....thats crap,women the world over are exactly the same though countries like pinas place a greater emphasis on family collectives rather than the individuality we do here in the west,hence their reliance on ang pamilya,she is wrong about we dont chat about things like this openly in Pinas,I have known women who were 110% honest and open with me,and that was and is also from Dabaw,I think you might have a few surprises in store reading between the lines

[Tawi2]

Frantic desire to get married ASAPHear that sound?Its alarm bells ringing in the distance,you could be the last train out of town Lots of guys jump in out of their depth,meet a nice lady online,fall for her smile,her sweet words,marry in haste repent at leisure is a truism,I have seen it with dozens,maybe hundreds of guys over the years living here,in Hong Kong or the time I spent in Pinas,sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt,but 9 times out of 10 the one who wanted the rush wedding was the lady

[Tawi2]

In her defence however can I just say if you really,truly,deeply love a woman enough to accept her "Baggage"(and I hate that term as I have some of my own)then you should also be prepared to carry it for her as she has struggled with it for a while and its heavy

[pacificelectric]

Frantic desire to get married ASAP

Yes, frantic. When I told her we should first go to the Embassy and apply for a Certificate of no Impediment and would have to wait several months for the response she was just distressed and wondered why we could not just marry when I walked off the plane. No kidding! This can be acceptable for a young Pinay but she is 50 and when she married first, that was with her college bf, and they dated 7 years before saying "I do"......

[Tawi2]

Pacific,your going to get ladies later telling you give her the benefit of the doubt.....Understand her.....etc.....etc....etc,you know why?Because they empathise more,Trader Dave is giving you wise counsel,no offence intended to Dave but I know he has been about a bit,he knows the score,no woman would be desperate to marry you without meeting unless...........Go into the kitchen,get your egg timer and turn it over,see the sands of time running out?Always be a bit wary,its like the sands at Morcambe Bay,it all looks the same to the inexperienced eye,but some will suck you under,some will be firm and support you,step back and examine the situation from a different angle

[trader dave]

Pacific,your going to get ladies later telling you give her the benefit of the doubt.....Understand her.....etc.....etc....etc,you know why?Because they empathise more,Trader Dave is giving you wise counsel,no offence intended to Dave but I know he has been about a bit,he knows the score,no woman would be desperate to marry you without meeting unless...........Go into the kitchen,get your egg timer and turn it over,see the sands of time running out?Always be a bit wary,its like the sands at Morcambe Bay,it all looks the same to the inexperienced eye,but some will suck you under,some will be firm and support you,step back and examine the situation from a different angle

thanks tawi you just put it a little more diplomaticly than me you have such a way with words

[britishdetained]

Yes, frantic. When I told her we should first go to the Embassy and apply for a Certificate of no Impediment and would have to wait several months for the response she was just distressed and wondered why we could not just marry when I walked off the plane. No kidding! This can be acceptable for a young Pinay but she is 50 and when she married first, that was with her college bf, and they dated 7 years before saying "I do"......

Marriage is something you must plan well. No reason for a rush especially if not all the cards are laid on the table.

[Tawi2]

Marriage is something you must plan well. No reason for a rush especially if not all the cards are laid on the table.

Let me tell you something,you impress me more and more,Kevin has a good catchPacific,she panicked when you mentioned the delay in wedding plans because she thought the train was pulling out of the station and she hadnt got her ticket,pinas is a matriarchal society,its run by the women,even their president is a woman,BUT its the guys who pull the strings,your a guy,lay out your cards on the table,show her your hand then ask to see hers(check her sleeve,just in case she has an ace secreted away up there)Its not being chauvenistic,thats a concept that hasnt surfaced over there yet I have had relationships with a number of women over there from a number of different social backgrounds,they all wanted/expected me to take control,they actually told me that,your the one sitting in the drivers seat mate,most pinays wont burn their bras and shout for womens lib

[trader dave]

i relive my stories by past experiances i would imagine i upset a few people along the way but i dont care
i say it how i have found it

i have been involved with the philippines and pilipinas for the past 15 yrs so i know a little how it works and it is quite simple MONEY IS NUMBER 1


you are an investment to any pilipina and her family so my friend YOU MAKE THE RULES get everything in the open now you insist on AN OPEN And honest relationship FROM DAY 1 AND INSIST NO FECKING LIES if it does not feel right walk away my friend dont take that crap we will discuss it after we are MARRIED if she is pushing get out while you can

[Matt7]

Can I ask if she asked too? I think me and my girlfriend are both trying to work out the same thing on this forum.

Are you threatened she'd love you less if you refused to pay for things? Maybe you'd feel more comfortable with the relationship if you treated it as you would any other. If you throw money at her and she willingly accepts it then you set a dangerous precedent. She will come to expect it and you will probably end up resenting the fact you spend excessive amounts on sometimes frivolous things.

From what I have seen, as a generalisation on these forums, its when people actively start treating their relationship differently to what they would with any other girlfriend that problems start to occur. Would you feel so uncomfortable if you hadn't have forked out 60,000 PHP for this surgery?

To say you marry into Filipino families in some sense true, but would you expect an English girlfriend to dump her kids and move abroad for you? No. If your other half has a family from another relationship you marry into that family regardless of colour, creed, or country

[Tawi2]

I have known someone for five years,she is incredibly intelligent,gave up a VERY good job with many fringe benefits plus car for me,she has a great job now,lots of travel,but you know something?She is in Pinas but not once,never,ever has she even hinted at money,in fact I felt bad last week when she asked did I want something from the states which is maybe 50,000 pesos?True love doesnt have the kerching of a cash register in the background or pound or dollar signs in the eyes We all have a gut instinct for a reason,if something just doesnt seem right its your internal alarm telling you maybe you should step back from the edge.

[britishdetained]

True love doesnt have the kerching of a cash register in the background or pound or dollar signs in the eyes We all have a gut instinct for a reason,if something just doesnt seem right its your internal alarm telling you maybe you should step back from the edge.[/QUOTE]

true in deed

[Jay&Zobel]

PhP60,000 for a diamond peel? That's like a boob job in PI? lol

You haven't even met her yet you are spending so much money on her. What more when you are together...

[D&G]

PhP60,000 for a diamond peel? That's like a boob job in PI? lol
. What more when you are together...

yes 60K is way too much for a diamond peel and a lot to give to someone u didn't meet yet in person

but im not saying the lady in question is a gold-digger...

[Piamed]

In my view it is not at all unreasonable for a woman to want to bring her children to where she will be living or at least to provide assitance to them. I'd be concerned about any woman that did not have the welfare of any kids she had in mind.

You mentioned that you have anxieties and your lady has also asserted the same. Clearly, she feels concerned that you might not be prepared to consider her unless she povides whatever asurances you made led her to believe you require. For her part, she would like to meet with you first so that you judge her on the basis of who she is and whatever chemistry exists rather than a rather impersonal alignment with a checklist of criteria.

That is how it appears to me. I dont think there is any direct evidence suggesting that she is a goldigger at all.

[pacificelectric]

In my view it is not at all unreasonable for a woman to want to bring her children to where she will be living or at least to provide assitance to them. I'd be concerned about any woman that did not have the welfare of any kids she had in mind.

You mentioned that you have anxieties and your lady has also asserted the same. Clearly, she feels concerned that you might not be prepared to consider her unless she povides whatever asurances you made led her to believe you require. For her part, she would like to meet with you first so that you judge her on the basis of who she is and whatever chemistry exists rather than a rather impersonal alignment with a checklist of criteria.

That is how it appears to me. I dont think there is any direct evidence suggesting that she is a goldigger at all.

I do not see her as a golddigger either but I found it surprising, to say the least, that she expressed reluctance to discuss something that might impact our common future if any, this on top of an obsession with fast marriage.

[Jay&Zobel]

I do not see her as a golddigger either but I found it surprising, to say the least, that she expressed reluctance to discuss something that might impact our common future if any, this on top of an obsession with fast marriage.

Or maybe because she's already 50... that's why She might feel that time is GOLD

[eagles]

hi pacific, i had been following for post.. I am here at davao.. That diamond peel was quite expensive huh. What's the name of the clinic where she got it, I can make a call easy and ask..

Please ...please.. don't rush into something you'll regret later.

[Florge]

hi pacific, i had been following for post.. I am here at davao.. That diamond peel was quite expensive huh. What's the name of the clinic where she got it, I can make a call easy and ask..

Please ...please.. don't rush into something you'll regret later.

Even if she had it done at Oroderm.. still wouldn't be that expensive... or maybe I'm wrong...

Pacific, I sincerely hope you're not digging your own grave here...

Eagles, ano beh.. where's my PM? Will be in Davao on the 7th and maybe until the 16th.

[pacificelectric]

Even if she had it done at Oroderm.. still wouldn't be that expensive... or maybe I'm wrong...

Pacific, I sincerely hope you're not digging your own grave here...

Eagles, ano beh.. where's my PM? Will be in Davao on the 7th and maybe until the 16th.

http://pds.org.ph/davao-medical-center/

The dermatologist is Karen Lee Alabado. Of course if you care to call there I ask you to be very careful as I would not want my gf to hear about that indirectly. It is my understanding that because my gf is just a government employee the derma was very curious how she would get the money and I believe she knows there's a western sucker behind....

[Florge]

http://pds.org.ph/davao-medical-center/

The dermatologist is Karen Lee Alabado. Of course if you care to call there I ask you to be very careful as I would not want my gf to hear about that indirectly. It is my understanding that because my gf is just a government employee the derma was very curious how she would get the money and I believe she knows there's a western sucker behind....

Got that... name sounds familiar...

Your gf is a government employee eh? which agency?

[pacificelectric]

Got that... name sounds familiar...

Your gf is a government employee eh? which agency?

DENR in Manang....

[Florge]

and.. DMC is a government hospital.. it shouldn't be THAT expensive.. ayayay!!!

[pacificelectric]

and.. DMC is a government hospital.. it shouldn't be THAT expensive.. ayayay!!!

As I said before, she told me there were 5 sessions, one per month, Ps. 8000 each = 40.000 plus a set of creams and stuff: 18.000 so 58.000 and I made it 60.000. She also got an injection in her legs for prurigo but it should not be that much.... anyway if you actually found out I have been fooled on that specific issue that would change my vision of her as a respectable widow...

[D&G]

As I said before, she told me there were 5 sessions, one per month, Ps. 8000 each = 40.000 plus a set of creams and stuff: 18.000 so 58.000 and I made it 60.000. ..

Whew! 8K per session?? even Belo doesn't charge that much for a diamond peel

60K is an awful lot of money to spend for "vanity" :No sorry

[Tawi2]

I just had someone go and chat with annie,Dr Karen Lee alabados secretary,Dr Lees Telephone number is 221-2259 at San Pedros Clinic,Dr lee is a consultant at the DMC,diamond peel from Dr Lee is 1500 a session including medicines,theres a "SKIN DOC" clinic at Gaisano mall where Dr Lee visits on mondays,become a member and you get freebies and promo rates,they are doing a promo at the moment pay for four sessions and get the fifth session free I know someone who works 3 hundred yards away from that DENR,in fact I stayed on angliongto myself for a month or so earlier this year

[D&G]

I just had someone go and chat with annie,Dr Karen Lee alabados secretary,Dr Lees Telephone number is 221-2259 at San Pedros Clinic,Dr lee is a consultant at the DMC,diamond peel from Dr Lee is 1500 a session

we're lucky! we got a free private investigator here yes, Tawi, the figure u gave is right. I know diamond peel is about 1,500 per session. My Derma just offered me a package of 5 sessions for only 5K instead of 1500 per session..big discount,huh? but i'd rather spend my money on other things..or better save it for the rainy days.

[Sophie]

Whew! 8K per session?? even Belo doesn't charge that much for a diamond peel

60K is an awful lot of money to spend for "vanity" :No sorry

LOL, very true

[Florge]

This picture was taken after the diamond peel sessions? This isn't her office right as this shows Nabunturan...