Guys, I think I Need A Reality Check...Help Me Out Please!

[New Shoes]

Thanks for the continued responses.
There's been a few points made which I'll try to address;

miss.piggy "I would like to believe that if NewShoes' girlfriend has got enough money to spend for her own annulment, then she won't hesitate to handle that herself as well" > I believe this to be the truth.

trader dave "i think i would actualy meet before i was even thinking of sending /helping your chatmate

believe me before you even start on this adventure i would do some serious thinking because believe me its not easy,there are many pitfalls on the way and thats before you even consider the cost financial and to your sanity"

>I actually met her in person and then only started chatting web cam in YM once I had returned to the UK.

>I have been in a long-term, living together relationship (6 years) with a Filipina who was already here in the UK so I'm aware of the highs and lows and frustrations of living together with a Filipina.

IainBusby "If I were in your situation, I would go and visit her again before you commit yourself......" > This is the point I'm most interested in and is the one which caused me the initial doubt as to whether I was proceeding too fast.

General points;

Yes she has a 6 years old child, i don't consider this a problem. I feel more comfortable with a person near to my own age whp has a child already, rather than a girl half my age who does not have a child.

Regarding the lawyer and his fees. I hear waht you're saying David House. There may be a way to get the fees paid direct to the Lawyer although I'm very wary of getting "too close" as I'm fully aware that if the lawyer knows there's a foreigner involved, the cost of the fees may go up accordingly.

Thank again to one and all who posted. I very much appreciate all of the comments received. plenty of food for thought.

[IainBusby]

Why not suggest to her that you will settle the Attorney's fees directly? We did that when we bought property for the family as we wanted to make sure the money did not get diverted to other pressing "needs". The Attorney was happy to co-operate and provided his bank account details and we remitted via PesoExpress at a good rate. No problem at all. If she raises no objection then you can relax and look forward to your future. If she starts to find reasons why that is not a good idea then the warning bells are ringing. I am sure you can find a way to justify this, without upsetting her. Just tell her that you prefer to handle such matters yourself as it gives you contact with the process.

The only problem with that is that as soon as the attorney knows that a whitey is paying the piper he's probably going to ask for more money.

[pacificelectric]

The only problem with that is that as soon as the attorney knows that a whitey is paying the piper he's probably going to ask for more money.

Ah ah, my gf told me the same when she started her dermatological treatment, she was scared the doctor would inflict her the special "sucker-sponsored" rates....

[pacificelectric]

>I have been in a long-term, living together relationship (6 years) with a Filipina who was already here in the UK so I'm aware of the highs and lows and frustrations of living together with a Filipina.

I appreciate that evey individual and situation are different but would you mind elaborating on that? Just to have an idea of what to expect (even if I got the promise that there would be no tampo and no sundang fencing..)

[New Shoes]

I appreciate that evey individual and situation are different but would you mind elaborating on that? Just to have an idea of what to expect (even if I got the promise that there would be no tampo and no sundang fencing..)

Oh boy! You're asking something there!

I appreciate and understand why you asked that question. I don't think your question could be answered properly here.

I think you'd be beter off starting a new thread where all the guys who have experienced living long-term with a Filipina can make a contribution.

[trader dave]

>I have been in a long-term, living together relationship (6 years) with a Filipina who was already here in the UK so I'm aware of the highs and lows and frustrations of living together with a Filipina.


fair comments on your part .....the point i was trying to make was the LDR IT IS HARD many highs many lows many tampos arguments .......

i lived with a pilipina for 10years but nothing COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THE TURBULANCE OF AN LDR

[New Shoes]

>I have been in a long-term, living together relationship (6 years) with a Filipina who was already here in the UK so I'm aware of the highs and lows and frustrations of living together with a Filipina.


fair comments on your part .....the point i was trying to make was the LDR IT IS HARD many highs many lows many tampos arguments .......

i lived with a pilipina for 10years but nothing COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THE TURBULANCE OF AN LDR

Ah, I see what you were getting at Dave. Thanks for the input. I'm sure I'll be asking for more advice in the near future.

Thanks again!

[JimOttley]

There may be a way to get the fees paid direct to the Lawyer although I'm very wary of getting "too close" as I'm fully aware that if the lawyer knows there's a foreigner involved, the cost of the fees may go up accordingly.

You can get the converse as well, a lawyer who promises to do something cheaply even though there is a foreigner involved, takes the money then does nothing, I lost 40,000 peso that way :( and wasted nearly 2 years of our lives

Never pay up front, they know you are not there often so they will get little hassle from you.

In one year or so I hope to be recommending a couple of Filipino lawyer friends on here but I wont do that till I see much more from them, they have been really good to us already though, we would be nowhere without them.


Jim

[JimOttley]

>
fair comments on your part .....the point i was trying to make was the LDR IT IS HARD many highs many lows many tampos arguments .......

i lived with a pilipina for 10years but nothing COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THE TURBULANCE OF AN LDR

OMG oh dear me, yes how I understand

When we started out we didn't actually expect a solution we thought we just had to be in the Phils together somehow, but as time went by expectations changed because solutions to some problems created new openings and life develops, new babies come along, plans change.

Coping with the constantly changing plans in an LDR is really really hard


Jim

[eleazebonares]

I'll try to get my story over as briefly and as concise as I can....

I've visited the Philippines several times in the past and I'm aware of the good, bad and ugly side of RP, so I don't class myself as a wide eyed newbie.

I visited the Philippines in January 2009, I was there for six weeks. During the last week, I met a really nice girl ( a couple of years younger than me, at 42). We spent my last week together, about 5 or 6 days/nights in total.

Since returning to the UK in the middle of March, we've kept up regular contact. Emailing each other most days and each weekend we've spent time in Yahoo Messenger / web cam chatting to each other. So that's approximately 5.5 months of very regular contact.

During this time her daughter has been ill in hospital for about a week, no requests or even hints for money to pay for medication etc. Also, daughter needed new school uniform and equipment etc, again, no requests for any financial assistance at all.

She's married, been separated about 7 or 8 years. With the agreement of both of us, she has been contacting several lawyers to get an idea how much the annulment process is going to cost. Let's say approximately £2,000.

As things are progressing, It looks like I will have to be sending money for the annulment at some point.

The original idea was to get the annulment finished, fairly quickly. I'm going to be visiting Philippines again for a month from the end of January 2010. That gives us more time together and then we are looking at going down the fiance visa route.

Today I had a thought enter my head. Whoaaaa fella!!!!!
I find myself about to send, say, £2,000 to someone I've actually only "physically" known for 6 or 7 days!!! Would I do this in the UK with a Brit woman.... NO WAY!

So now I'm thinking I should continue with our daily/weekly contact, and use the next month-long holiday to spend more time with her and only then, think about paying £2,000 for her annulment and then look into the finace visa thing. After all, she's been maried/separated for 7 to 8 years another 5 months aren't going to really matter in the long run.

I'm 44 and she's 42, I'd dearly like to have a child of my own and she wants to have a child with me. I think this may have caused me to progress with the relationship quicker then I may have done.

So, what do you guys think? Apply the brakes slightly????

spend more time with her,just to make sure..you just dont if shes a pro at pretending not to care bout money..so you'd think just that. Or like when you come here,talk to the lawyer yourself.

[Pepe n Pilar]

Hi New Shoes,

My suggestion is for your gf to negotiate with the lawyer, it is better to just stay on the background.. She can either choose between the package deal or 2 installments, or depends on the agreement they will have. There are some members here who had gone through with this annulment thing and they can share their experiences with you or to your gf.

Goodluck on your quest!...
Take care...

Cheers!

[pocahontas]

Hi Eagles, sorry to hear that. You seem to be a tough person so surely you'll get over it and find another love.

I think I will agree with Tawi that not everyone has got the resources to sustain an expensive annulment. As you may know, the cost of annulment is not even a year's salary for some in the Philippines. In most cases, the money is not exactly the issue but it's more on the willingness of the other person to help his girlfriend out to be free from any liabilities so they can eventually be together. I would like to believe that if NewShoes' girlfriend has got enough money to spend for her own annulment, then she won't hesitate to handle that herself as well.

hello im very agree with you miss piggy. its not really the money issue.. its the willingness..if you love someone and if you really can do it !! thats love

[johncar54]

The real problem with, so called annulment in the Philippines, is that for all practical purposes it amounts to what is divorce anywhere else. It is relatively expensive, with lawyers charging large fees, and unnecessarily complicated. The result is that those without capital are discriminated against whilst for the wealthy there is no problem, and in effect divorce on demand.

I would suggest what is needed is a reform of the law to ensure, what happens now eventually, can be obtained cheaply and quickly. That will take a change in the law. As people elect the politicians it they who need to start campaigning for the change.

I hope no one is going to be deceived by the argument that divorce is not allowed in Philippines. It is only the ‘word’ which is not allowed. A couple who have been legally married having that marriage dissolved, is divorce. Calling it annulment, thus to make it appear a catholic country does not permit divorce, is semantics.

[Queenbee]

hi new shoes, upon reading your post, I asked myself, Why is HE thinking about giving money for the annulment cost? I thought that being a woman who wanted to be into new relationship must come cleans. I sorted my problem on my own , not single penny from my BF as i totally refused any cent. It's my problem (my past relationship) and so I must solve without giving hassles to my boyfriend.

exactly..me as well,i have sorted my annulment which is still ongoing on my own money...Even he is willing to help me with it,it's just me, *PRIDE* i guess ,hehe,,I don't wanna burden him as well coz he also has an ongoing divorce.Divorce in UK makes the husband broke,,In the philippines,the other way around,,IM really hopin and prayin i get ma annulment papers this year since we are plannin to get married next year...

Trust your instincts mate...

[RickyR]

The annulment is quite a big expense and we have gone for the 50% up front and 50% on completion option. 200,000 PHP total, which I think is more then some people have paid. We started the process in February, and its still ongoing mostly because the husband has never responded to anything, and therefor each trial he has to be given the opportunity to respond and then had to be investigated for not responding and then time has to be given for this and that, and then waiting for court dates. Eventually Marvie had the trial on Monday, and half way through they ran out of time, and said come back in 2 months to finish the trial! oh well....
What i'm saying, is be aware of what your getting into, do some research on the annulment, and it could be a good idea to spend time with your girlfriend again before you really commit, because it will be a big commitment!
It's a bit of gamble, but chances are you'll be a winner.

[Queenbee]

The annulment is quite a big expense and we have gone for the 50% up front and 50% on completion option. 200,000 PHP total, which I think is more then some people have paid. We started the process in February, and its still ongoing mostly because the husband has never responded to anything, and therefor each trial he has to be given the opportunity to respond and then had to be investigated for not responding and then time has to be given for this and that, and then waiting for court dates. Eventually Marvie had the trial on Monday, and half way through they ran out of time, and said come back in 2 months to finish the trial! oh well....
What i'm saying, is be aware of what your getting into, do some research on the annulment, and it could be a good idea to spend time with your girlfriend again before you really commit, because it will be a big commitment!
It's a bit of gamble, but chances are you'll be a winner.

totally agree!!!It depends on the judge's busy schedule and all...Thankfully with the help and support from ma parents we just spend about 100k plus since our lawyer is a close friend of my mom's,her classmate in law before..Im a bit blessed and think someone is really watchin me from above..My ex wasnt really cooperating as well but it will make it more faster and easier in my case...

It is indeed a big commitment and takes alot of patience...

[IainBusby]

The annulment is quite a big expense and we have gone for the 50% up front and 50% on completion option. 200,000 PHP total, which I think is more then some people have paid. We started the process in February, and its still ongoing mostly because the husband has never responded to anything, and therefor each trial he has to be given the opportunity to respond and then had to be investigated for not responding and then time has to be given for this and that, and then waiting for court dates. Eventually Marvie had the trial on Monday, and half way through they ran out of time, and said come back in 2 months to finish the trial! oh well....
What i'm saying, is be aware of what your getting into, do some research on the annulment, and it could be a good idea to spend time with your girlfriend again before you really commit, because it will be a big commitment!
It's a bit of gamble, but chances are you'll be a winner.

I agree, but you must insist that you will only pay the final sum on absolute completion and when all of the relevant paperwork is handed over.

[New Shoes]

I agree, but you must insist that you will only pay the final sum on absolute completion and when all of the relevant paperwork is handed over.

Hi Ian,

I agree with final payment being made upon FINAL completion. My question is, how do I / we know exactly that ALL the documents have been completed properly?

Obviously I'm not involved and my good lady may be told by the laywer that all is finished, but how will she know for sure?

Is there a final document or certificate that is issued to show that the marriage is annulled 100%?