Guys, I think I Need A Reality Check...Help Me Out Please!

[New Shoes]

I'll try to get my story over as briefly and as concise as I can....

I've visited the Philippines several times in the past and I'm aware of the good, bad and ugly side of RP, so I don't class myself as a wide eyed newbie.

I visited the Philippines in January 2009, I was there for six weeks. During the last week, I met a really nice girl ( a couple of years younger than me, at 42). We spent my last week together, about 5 or 6 days/nights in total.

Since returning to the UK in the middle of March, we've kept up regular contact. Emailing each other most days and each weekend we've spent time in Yahoo Messenger / web cam chatting to each other. So that's approximately 5.5 months of very regular contact.

During this time her daughter has been ill in hospital for about a week, no requests or even hints for money to pay for medication etc. Also, daughter needed new school uniform and equipment etc, again, no requests for any financial assistance at all.

She's married, been separated about 7 or 8 years. With the agreement of both of us, she has been contacting several lawyers to get an idea how much the annulment process is going to cost. Let's say approximately £2,000.

As things are progressing, It looks like I will have to be sending money for the annulment at some point.

The original idea was to get the annulment finished, fairly quickly. I'm going to be visiting Philippines again for a month from the end of January 2010. That gives us more time together and then we are looking at going down the fiance visa route.

Today I had a thought enter my head. Whoaaaa fella!!!!!
I find myself about to send, say, £2,000 to someone I've actually only "physically" known for 6 or 7 days!!! Would I do this in the UK with a Brit woman.... NO WAY!

So now I'm thinking I should continue with our daily/weekly contact, and use the next month-long holiday to spend more time with her and only then, think about paying £2,000 for her annulment and then look into the finace visa thing. After all, she's been maried/separated for 7 to 8 years another 5 months aren't going to really matter in the long run.

I'm 44 and she's 42, I'd dearly like to have a child of my own and she wants to have a child with me. I think this may have caused me to progress with the relationship quicker then I may have done.

So, what do you guys think? Apply the brakes slightly????

[Tawi2]

She is genuine!Not one single request for money at all?She is totally genuine,just my guy/gut feeling,instinct or whatever but to be totally frank £2,000 is a ripple on the pond compared to real happiness,your story has a good feel to it,I might be wrong but I have heard a lot worse and theres no warning signs whatsoever with your scenario,good luck

[New Shoes]

She is genuine!Not one single request for money at all?She is totally genuine,just my guy feeling,instinct or whatever but to be totally frank £2,000 is a ripple on the pond compared to real happiness,your story has a good feel to it,I might be wrong but I have heard a lot worse and theres no warning signs whatsoever with your scenario,good luck

Hi Tawi2, Precisely!

I know this may sound awful to some, but it's the lack of requests for money that really make me think she's genuine. She could've so easily requested money for medication or school uniform. But as I said, nothing, not even any hints.

Even regarding the annulment costs, she scanned and sent my three different quotes and could've easily told me she was going to go for the higher quote when in fact, she's identified yet another lawyer who is slightly cheaper than the cheapest already scanned and sent to me, and this is the one she is interested in hiring.

Another reason I have to think she's genuinely a "good 'un". Is the fact that when I was with her, we went to some night spots around Davao. We were with my friend (a Brit) and he noticed that she was obviously not used to hitting the town as she was looking around the venues as if it was her first time inside them and actually had to ask for the location of the CR.

[Tawi2]

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[New Shoes]

I would go with my instincts,she hasnt tried to milk you for cash says to me she likes you for who you are not what you are despite her financial status,take the ball and run mate,be lucky and be happy

Thank you! I think that's what my heart's been telling me. Today, for some reason, suddenly a doubt entered my head with regard to the speed of it all.

I've got to admit, I can't see any faults or red flags at the moment and I think if there were to be any they would've surfaced by now.

Tawi2, I've read a lot of your posts and I value your opinion, I'm sure you tell it as you see it!

Thanks again.

[Sim11UK]

We all have doubts, they come along from time to time....But run with it if you're happy.

[eagles]

hi new shoes, upon reading your post, I asked myself, Why is HE thinking about giving money for the annulment cost? I thought that being a woman who wanted to be into new relationship must come cleans. I sorted my problem on my own , not single penny from my BF as i totally refused any cent. It's my problem (my past relationship) and so I must solve without giving hassles to my boyfriend.

[Tawi2]

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[triple5]

Agree with Tawi. If you can afford the two grand and you want a life together with her get the ball rolling. Trust your heart, and enjoy your next time together and take things from there.

[scott&ligaya]

Hi there.
I think you do seem to have a genuine relationship started, you may wish to send the money in installments particularly as you want the attorney to perform, say 50,000 pesos up front 50,000 on completion of several steps and 50,000 upon final completion, makes good sense to do this and will help ensure the attorney stays on top of the job, good luck to you and your lady

[johncar54]

Sorry to pour cold water, but as you said you have only known the lady for a few days.

I suggest you take a while longer and a few visits before paying.

Of course you may choose to pay on the basis that you can afford it and want to help her anyway.

I continued sending money to a former Thai GF after I had decided the relationship was not going anywhere. I looked upon it as giving money to someone who really needed it rather than giving the money to a big Charity with glossy mags. In that case the lady called me after about 6 months, thanked me for the money I had sent and said she was OK now and I should stop send the money.

Again, some cold water, but at 44 do you want a ready made family? A friend of ours recently married my wife's best friend and now they live in Spain. She had a son of 3 and it was agreed that our friend would support the child but he did not want to be daddy. After about 6 months the fact there is a child in Phil is causing difficulties between them.

At your age you could find a wife-to-be who will not bring possible problems. Its a personal view, but I chose to marry a single lady, without children who is 32 years younger than me. We are very happy and only have the 'problem' of family who believe we have a personal money tree!

[KeithD]

In all the years the forum has been around we haven't come across a 40+ scammer. Always best to be cautious though.

Can't you transfer the money direct to the person dealing with the case?

[LastViking]

Hi New Shoes

I think you have to go with your instincts, but it sounds to me as if you have a very genuine person here in your lady friend. I am doing the same thing in helping my friend with her annulment costs as I want her to be free to live her life and hopeully be with me.

What I would say though is make sure you get a lawyer who is prepared to give you a fixed fee package right up to the final certificate. Only pay by instalments and after the work is completed to your lady friend's satisfaction. Even if you trust your friend, a lawyer is a different thing.

All the best.

[New Shoes]

Hi, thanks for the latest replies and the best wishes

I do feel that the girl is genuine. Regarding the payment to the lawyer, she has negotiated a slightly lower price (fixed fee) and also 50% of the payment to start the process and the remaining 50% to be paid once all the papers are finished and approved. (I am totally out of the picture as far as the lawyer is concerned).

I think one of my main concerns was that I was maybe I was going a bit too fast with the relationship. It seems that the general concensus is not screaming out "SLOW DOWN".

Thnaks again for all the input..

[scottishbride]

Sorry to pour cold water, but as you said you have only known the lady for a few days.

I suggest you take a while longer and a few visits before paying.

Of course you may choose to pay on the basis that you can afford it and want to help her anyway.

I continued sending money to a former Thai GF after I had decided the relationship was not going anywhere. I looked upon it as giving money to someone who really needed it rather than giving the money to a big Charity with glossy mags. In that case the lady called me after about 6 months, thanked me for the money I had sent and said she was OK now and I should stop send the money.

Again, some cold water, but at 44 do you want a ready made family? A friend of ours recently married my wife's best friend and now they live in Spain. She had a son of 3 and it was agreed that our friend would support the child but he did not want to be daddy. After about 6 months the fact there is a child in Phil is causing difficulties between them.

At your age you could find a wife-to-be who will not bring possible problems. Its a personal view, but I chose to marry a single lady, without children who is 32 years younger than me. We are very happy and only have the 'problem' of family who believe we have a personal money tree!

You should be a little cautious, it does sound like she is genuine, but why rush things just now. As for having kids there are increased risks for women who are in their forties, best of luck mate!

[eagles]

For tawi2, i guess i am extra cautious as i dont want to be treated as milking a british guy for my own personal problem.. A real woman for a relationship comes clean though she got a past to sort Out.. My BF is quite lucky.. after being so patient and understanding for him and after posting that he remained to be hiding something from me.. I really felt.. He missed a chance for a woman who can stand beside him.. we just parted ways..........best for us........

[miss.piggy]

For tawi2, i guess i am extra cautious as i dont want to be treated as milking a british guy for my own personal problem.. A real woman for a relationship comes clean though she got a past to sort Out.. My BF is quite lucky.. after being so patient and understanding for him and after posting that he remained to be hiding something from me.. I really felt.. He missed a chance for a woman who can stand beside him.. we just parted ways..........best for us........

Hi Eagles, sorry to hear that. You seem to be a tough person so surely you'll get over it and find another love.

I think I will agree with Tawi that not everyone has got the resources to sustain an expensive annulment. As you may know, the cost of annulment is not even a year's salary for some in the Philippines. In most cases, the money is not exactly the issue but it's more on the willingness of the other person to help his girlfriend out to be free from any liabilities so they can eventually be together. I would like to believe that if NewShoes' girlfriend has got enough money to spend for her own annulment, then she won't hesitate to handle that herself as well.

[britishdetained]

Hi Eagles, sorry to hear that. You seem to be a tough person so surely you'll get over it and find another love.

I think I will agree with Tawi that not everyone has got the resources to sustain an expensive annulment. As you may know, the cost of annulment is not even a year's salary for some in the Philippines. In most cases, the money is not exactly the issue but it's more on the willingness of the other person to help his girlfriend out to be free from any liabilities so they can eventually be together. I would like to believe that if NewShoes' girlfriend has got enough money to spend for her own annulment, then she won't hesitate to handle that herself as well.

When love calls sometimes we need to take the risk. If he thinks she is real and there is love that truly for both of them, then take the chance to pay for the cost...follow your instinct and maybe you will find the diamond through her after all

[IainBusby]

During this time her daughter has been ill in hospital for about a week, no requests or even hints for money to pay for medication etc. Also, daughter needed new school uniform and equipment etc, again, no requests for any financial assistance at all.

Although she didn't ask you for help with these issues, she did tell you about them which probably means she was hoping you would offer to help.

If I were in your situation, I would go and visit her again before you commit yourself and while your there, if you do decide to go ahead with the annulment etc, get her to ask for the annulment price and payment schedule as a written agreement from the attorney, otherwise you might find that various extra payments will probably be asked for as the annulment progresses. Just make sure the attorney doesn't find out that a foriegner is involved or the price she's been quoted will increase.

Iain.

[trader dave]

i cant realy add much realy


if it feels right do it [its your money not ours]

i think i would actualy meet before i was even thinking of sending /helping your chatmate

believe me before you even start on this adventure i would do some serious thinking because believe me its not easy,there are many pitfalls on the way and thats before you even consider the cost financial and to your sanity

believe me my friend it is bloody hard work at times


would i do it again NOT ON YOUR BLOODY LIFE

[Tawi2]

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[trader dave]

Thats the thing about this forum,we all have different experiences but no way do I agree with John that having a relationship with someone who has a child is a problem,did you have children yourself John when you married your wife?I would truthfully rather marry someone almost the same age as me even though they had a child than marry someone with such a large age chasm,children ready-made or not bring happiness into a relationship and are part of the scene,but thats what I said,we all have different life experiences,,go with your instincts NS.

if everyone had the same views it would be very boring the odd person just winds each of us up i am sure ,with there views i am sure my outspoken views ruffle a few feathers sometimes

differences of opinions make an interesting debate without it is boring

life is for living we make decisions sometimes we get it wrong that i am afraid is life enjoy it while you can

[bless.books]

Hello to you New Shoes! I am afraid you will be one of those 'who doesnt know any better, yet' Please don't get yourself burn! Don't be too naive ... actually you are now. It is not with age. Go and get to know the background. What is the background. How is she surviving, any job. How do you know youre the only guy she chatting with? Don't go sending money. How about telling you haven't got money neither any to send and see what's the reaction. Yes, she didn't ask but she hinted already. Also, one way to know is ask the hospital/doctor in charge, contact the GP etc .. that is one way to check.

I hope I am not putting the Pinays reputation low ... this one is not just Pinays, there are also others of other nationalities.

[Tawi2]

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[britishdetained]

You dont ruffle feathers Dave,you pluck them right out I was just thinking,the happiest houses your ever going to go in are filled with kids,whats wrong with marrying someone your compatible with if they already have a child?He is only in his 40's,its not exactly old age,kids are great,they rejuvinate and invigorate,they have a surplus of energy and happiness thats contagious

nothing bad having a wife with a child from a previous marriage its like getting a package a wife plus an instant child

[trader dave]

You dont ruffle feathers Dave,you pluck them right out I was just thinking,the happiest houses your ever going to go in are filled with kids,whats wrong with marrying someone your compatible with if they already have a child?He is only in his 40's,its not exactly old age,kids are great,they rejuvinate and invigorate,they have a surplus of energy and happiness thats contagious

i once said i would never take on a women with a child but my view was based on looking at british kids i am sorry philipino kids are different respect ect , so i end up with MRs T who had a 2 year old when we met [he thinks i am his real papa anyway] and as i cant give her a child that is her blessing from before

[Tawi2]

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[Northerner]

You dont ruffle feathers Dave,you pluck them right out I was just thinking,the happiest houses your ever going to go in are filled with kids,whats wrong with marrying someone your compatible with if they already have a child?He is only in his 40's,its not exactly old age,kids are great,they rejuvinate and invigorate,they have a surplus of energy and happiness thats contagious

Very well said I doubt I could have put it any better

New Shoes, don't worry about what other people are going to say, it is your happiness that counts. And if this woman makes you happy, then a child should simply give you more of an imputus to make sure the relationship works. Plus, you get to be a stepdad. A role either hated or admired! People will talk about you like you walk on hallowed ground if you are a good father figure to this child, and as Tawi said; once you have your own family you will suddenly find more energy and want to go to Alton Towers or other such places on bank holidays. You'll start to think about the weekend as a time to play, not just relax You will proabaly have a brand new lease of life

Good luck!

[JimOttley]

You dont ruffle feathers Dave,you pluck them right out I was just thinking,the happiest houses your ever going to go in are filled with kids,whats wrong with marrying someone your compatible with if they already have a child?He is only in his 40's,its not exactly old age,kids are great,they rejuvinate and invigorate,they have a surplus of energy and happiness thats contagious

If I had stayed my secular insular old self I would have missed out on the best times in my entire life.

Being with a family in the Phils is not a trial but a joy having all ages together is a marvelous thing, it's dead easy to become way too old before your time, I think that is a big problem in the west.

I could not agree more!


Jim

[David House]

Why not suggest to her that you will settle the Attorney's fees directly? We did that when we bought property for the family as we wanted to make sure the money did not get diverted to other pressing "needs". The Attorney was happy to co-operate and provided his bank account details and we remitted via PesoExpress at a good rate. No problem at all. If she raises no objection then you can relax and look forward to your future. If she starts to find reasons why that is not a good idea then the warning bells are ringing. I am sure you can find a way to justify this, without upsetting her. Just tell her that you prefer to handle such matters yourself as it gives you contact with the process.