Sometimes love sometimes horrible

[IanB]

Sadly,

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Marriage is never an easy thing.

I think it is great that you enjoy drinking and clubbing. If you can find some friends to go with, there is no reason for your husband to go with you, and he should be happy to think about you enjoying yourself. Unfortunately some husbands treat Asian wives like children and don't allow them to go out and have fun!

You need to give yourself a lot of time to settle in to this strange country. You may well feel homesick for many years. If you can manage to get a job you will be less bored and more independent.

I hope everything gets better, but please keep in touch with other ladies on this forum - they know how you feel!

[aphrodite78]

Hi SC,

Welcome to the forum.

Unfortunately these things do happen, finding it hard to adjust, we whinge we moan and we complain but that is just normal. There is nothing wrong with you to ask for a psychologist you are just going thru change. Trust me you are not alone on this. You just have to accept things as they are.

With regards to your husband, you have to speak your mind dear. He can't read your mind. Ask and you shall receive, you have to be assertive sometimes. At the moment yes you are financially dependent to him but as soon as you find a job things will be easier for you.

Relationship tends not to work because we love someone hoping that they will change for us but sadly it doesn't work that way. Based from your post you have things in common, why don't you work out on those things that u both got in common and take it from there.

Chin up! Things will get easier (I hope) .

[sadly confuse]

Sadly,

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Marriage is never an easy thing.

I think it is great that you enjoy drinking and clubbing. If you can find some friends to go with, there is no reason for your husband to go with you, and he should be happy to think about you enjoying yourself. Unfortunately some husbands treat Asian wives like children and don't allow them to go out and have fun!

You need to give yourself a lot of time to settle in to this strange country. You may well feel homesick for many years. If you can manage to get a job you will be less bored and more independent.

I hope everything gets better, but please keep in touch with other ladies on this forum - they know how you feel!

helollo again ian. thanks for this reply.. for all reply that i read well i like them all coz they all have points.. and it made me more clear how husband good i have.. but you know what after reading your repoy i ask my self to have a responsible husband is it enough? coz i do believe contentment and happy have a big difference meaning it self..

[Sophie]

and it made me more clear how husband good i have.. but you know what after reading your repoy i ask my self to have a responsible husband is it enough? coz i do believe contentment and happy have a big difference meaning it self..

Happiness is a state of mind....
you either choose to be happy and appreciate the good things you have now and be contented OR wallow in self pity and misery.....
Sometimes when we focus too much on the negative and the things we don't have....we overlook the good things and the more important things we have....
We get so busy moaning and focusing on trivial matters when we have a lot to be thankful about....

[James Hubbard]

Happiness is a state of mind....
you either choose to be happy and appreciate the good things you have now and be contented OR wallow in self pity and misery.....
Sometimes when we focus too much on the negative and the things we don't have....we overlook the good things and the more important things we have....
We get so busy moaning and focusing on trivial matters when we have a lot to be thankful about....

Amen sister sophie

[Sophie]

Amen sister sophie

[ron]

Sometimes money is the root of all evil and can cause many argements especially if you have too much of it. LOL

Ron

[Queenbee]

Happiness is a state of mind....
you either choose to be happy and appreciate the good things you have now and be contented OR wallow in self pity and misery.....
Sometimes when we focus too much on the negative and the things we don't have....we overlook the good things and the more important things we have....
We get so busy moaning and focusing on trivial matters when we have a lot to be thankful about....

EXACTLY!

[sadly confuse]

i really dont know how to explain the whole story of mine so somehow you understand why i feel so hard to adjust from my past like to my present life.. because after all at the end im the one who can really solve this. but joining here and try to tell some part of my feelings would help me to ease and to help to see the right decision.

yes you are all right... but you know what before telling me to find a job ..well for the record ive trying to find a job which no doors oopen for me... i got many experience here.. when i came first here in uk after 1month i already trying to get a job here andnow im 6months here still looking for a job.

you know guys, im so active when i was single. i used to go in gym, friends, but i really dont have luck in work..im not a choosy but is just that so hard to get job. im more often walking on the street and even in center with my cv but till now..

before my life, even were not rich i used to be a spoiled of my own luck. and i miss that treat........ i miss my sister where i can just be my self..

but thank you all of this advice and trust me i will really do this advice.... and starting tonight, i will try to be ok..

oh but for the record... when my husband coming i always prepare my self wearing sexy, asking him how is he, i already cooked and clean which i know my duty, but sometimes id just dont like hes reaction for yeah maybe i find it boring...

coz me as a joker of my group friendship as my friends say to me that im so energetic, beauty, nice person, helpfull in family, sweet.. all of that i feel somehow now will totally lost...

but i dont wanna loose hope, thts why i write here. my husband is not that bad yeah i already say that, hes a responsible, but being a i believe that there is a BIG difference meaning in a word of CONTENMENT AND HAPPY. and im not in trying to be content and happy in deep inside of me...

for the record too, im not always sad i still appreciate things he do but you know im mostly feel that un appreciated... but ok this wil take so long sorry for this... but thank you again your advice is helping me and to look forward to my good husband.

[IainBusby]

im a new member here and living now in london with my husband. my husband is not a bad guy. he dont have a bad habits like drinking alcohol, smoking, clubbing,AND sometimes he act like a kid.but hes still the man who stand for hes responsible like house, food, etc., im not alcoholic but i do like drinking sometimes in the pub with friends go disco, shoppings, having fun even in a small way.this is what i am before he met me.(I MIS MY SISTER MY PARTNER IN CRIME) were totally different likes where id just discover when we finally together here in uk. but it doenst mean that hes bad so am i right.

i write this letter for me and for my husband. coz i know we both having a hard time of our relationship well because of my attitude or things that we always argue that mostly its start on me. but you cant blame me, what can i do i have my own idea, opinion, and feelings, sure that i want him to know and that is the start of our discussion. i cant just be quiet and follow him and yes yes yes only, pero napapagod din ako mag complain lalo na wala namang resulta pero di rin naman lahat ha there are also thing that thank god bilang na bilang ngalang.


my husband is not a bad guy but there are so many things we dont agree to each other.i want us to do together things that we both like. but what i like to do mostly he dont like and it really keeps me boring. we sure did lots of things that we had fun but its actuallly all hes idea and when my turn to choose or i intend to choose what i wanna do its just end up for so many reasons mostly. well for the record for now were doing fine. he never shouted me when im upset tayong mga pilipina pa nga ang matapang eh hehe.pero ganon lang naman tayo diba we cant really keep whats inside.well sometimes id just intend to silent.


i find it hard my life here when it comes to financially, emotionally though he buy me things i need but i need to tell him. i mean its like i dont have anymore freedom of money, whatever happened i dont have my own money so i feel so unsecured too. secondly my husband just bought this house but since that i dont have a job the title of this house is only with him and my name is not in there is that fine? i mean please dont get me wrong i might sounds what you dont like but girls like me want a security right.

YOU HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND TREAT YOU DID HE GIVE YOU MONEY? LIKE ALLOWANCE FOR YOUR SELF AND ALSO THE BUDGET FOR THE GROCERIES AND SENDING MONEY TO PHILIPPINES.??? OR YOU NEED TO ASK FOR FIRST? DID HE KNOWS HOW TO TURN YOU UP SMILE OR WHEN SOMETHING WRONG OR SOMETHING MAKE YOU WORRIES WHAT HE GOING TO DO?? HOW ARE YOU AS A WIFE? IS A KIND OF WIFE YOU ARE NOW THAT YOU LIKE OR DREAMING?

thanks for who are you now reading and pay attention for this..

You complain about money etc and you seem to concentrate only on what you want and how you would like things to be. But you don't seem to appreciate that if you asked him, I'm sure there would probably be things that your husband is not absolutely happy about as well and that's how marriage is and should be, a compromise.

You say twice in your post that your husband is not a bad guy but you seem to concentrate on what you see as his failings. I think you should examine your conscience and try to establish whether you married him for the right reasons and if you come to the right conclusion there should only be one overriding reason which should be because you love him. If that is the reason you married him then you should start to count your blessings instead of his failings. If that is not the reason you married him then your unhappiness will never be resolved.

With regard to your husband being the one who is in control of the finances, although I believe it is the opposite in Phils where the wife usually controls the finances, in this country it is more usual for the husband to do this, although more often than not, this would usually be after consultation with the wife and especially with regard to major expenses or purchases.

Iain.

[Piamed]

Hi amiga

I want to focus on where you are now but can't help wondering why you reference how wonderful your life was before you married yet seemingly you agreed to marry as you perceived that it would bring even more joys to you than being single. Perhaps you were ot really ready to be married in retrospect. Nethertheless, as you crave a higher degree of independence, finding a job could help. It's certainly not easy to find one but they are out there so good luck with that.

Every couple is different, perhaps having an allowance will work for you. In our case we have debit cards to the same accounts. I trust my wife totally in the financial decisions that she makes. That is because we have discussed our approach to managing our finances. We use the family motto 'frugal and thrifty'. I think you should perhaps do the same so that your husband is in line with you and can have confidence that you will manage your finances in accordance with whatever level you agree.

I also think that you should perhaps spend more effort counting your blessings that your man is a responsible one that takes good care of you. Consider how he feels and do all you can to meet his happiness needs too.

The name on the property deeds in itself should not concern you if you are both commited to and are secure about staying together. Why are you concerned about this?Have you mentioned this to your hubby and if so what was his response?

All the best!

[pocahontas]

im a new member here and living now in london with my husband. my husband is not a bad guy. he dont have a bad habits like drinking alcohol, smoking, clubbing,AND sometimes he act like a kid.but hes still the man who stand for hes responsible like house, food, etc., im not alcoholic but i do like drinking sometimes in the pub with friends go disco, shoppings, having fun even in a small way.this is what i am before he met me.(I MIS MY SISTER MY PARTNER IN CRIME) were totally different likes where id just discover when we finally together here in uk. but it doenst mean that hes bad so am i right.

i write this letter for me and for my husband. coz i know we both having a hard time of our relationship well because of my attitude or things that we always argue that mostly its start on me. but you cant blame me, what can i do i have my own idea, opinion, and feelings, sure that i want him to know and that is the start of our discussion. i cant just be quiet and follow him and yes yes yes only, pero napapagod din ako mag complain lalo na wala namang resulta pero di rin naman lahat ha there are also thing that thank god bilang na bilang ngalang.


my husband is not a bad guy but there are so many things we dont agree to each other.i want us to do together things that we both like. but what i like to do mostly he dont like and it really keeps me boring. we sure did lots of things that we had fun but its actuallly all hes idea and when my turn to choose or i intend to choose what i wanna do its just end up for so many reasons mostly. well for the record for now were doing fine. he never shouted me when im upset tayong mga pilipina pa nga ang matapang eh hehe.pero ganon lang naman tayo diba we cant really keep whats inside.well sometimes id just intend to silent.


i find it hard my life here when it comes to financially, emotionally though he buy me things i need but i need to tell him. i mean its like i dont have anymore freedom of money, whatever happened i dont have my own money so i feel so unsecured too. secondly my husband just bought this house but since that i dont have a job the title of this house is only with him and my name is not in there is that fine? i mean please dont get me wrong i might sounds what you dont like but girls like me want a security right.

YOU HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND TREAT YOU DID HE GIVE YOU MONEY? LIKE ALLOWANCE FOR YOUR SELF AND ALSO THE BUDGET FOR THE GROCERIES AND SENDING MONEY TO PHILIPPINES.??? OR YOU NEED TO ASK FOR FIRST? DID HE KNOWS HOW TO TURN YOU UP SMILE OR WHEN SOMETHING WRONG OR SOMETHING MAKE YOU WORRIES WHAT HE GOING TO DO?? HOW ARE YOU AS A WIFE? IS A KIND OF WIFE YOU ARE NOW THAT YOU LIKE OR DREAMING?

thanks for who are you now reading and pay attention for this..

to tell you frankly i was a bit happy when i read your post and its really sounds like mine. my husband is not that fun to be with which is very opposite to me.. the proove of hes silence or lack of like confidence (WHICH IS NOT TRUE) but if you dont know him just like i do you will find him hes a shy type person. so yeah when sometimes theres a situation that we go and eat in restaurant im the one who raise hand and call the waiter/waitress not because hes shy but just because hes just like that waiting that will look to him and most of the time the restaurant that we go is tend the waiter/waitress lack of customer service and that time i have to enter and break the ice by calling them...

ive got so many to tell you. for now let me make this short, our loves us. but what you feel now is i cant blame and give you such a nice adive like whaat the other members give you. but all i can say now is try to do things hard what makes you happy without needing money. me my personality is very happy senstive which i think we have same. so what i do is when hes work im really dancing and my music is really loudddddddddddd and after that when im tired im doing a yoga which is relaxing....try to relax your self and not to worry much in our emotional..believe me I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL...

SC EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE..and oh by the way you can pray for now to our fellow filipino who are victims of disaster typhoon, it helps to ease your broken heart that you feel now... im sure your husband love you so much CHEER UPPPPP

[lizaphil]

im a new member here and living now in london with my husband. my husband is not a bad guy. he dont have a bad habits like drinking alcohol, smoking, clubbing,AND sometimes he act like a kid.but hes still the man who stand for hes responsible like house, food, etc., im not alcoholic but i do like drinking sometimes in the pub with friends go disco, shoppings, having fun even in a small way.this is what i am before he met me.(I MIS MY SISTER MY PARTNER IN CRIME) were totally different likes where id just discover when we finally together here in uk. but it doenst mean that hes bad so am i right.

i write this letter for me and for my husband. coz i know we both having a hard time of our relationship well because of my attitude or things that we always argue that mostly its start on me. but you cant blame me, what can i do i have my own idea, opinion, and feelings, sure that i want him to know and that is the start of our discussion. i cant just be quiet and follow him and yes yes yes only, pero napapagod din ako mag complain lalo na wala namang resulta pero di rin naman lahat ha there are also thing that thank god bilang na bilang ngalang.


my husband is not a bad guy but there are so many things we dont agree to each other.i want us to do together things that we both like. but what i like to do mostly he dont like and it really keeps me boring. we sure did lots of things that we had fun but its actuallly all hes idea and when my turn to choose or i intend to choose what i wanna do its just end up for so many reasons mostly. well for the record for now were doing fine. he never shouted me when im upset tayong mga pilipina pa nga ang matapang eh hehe.pero ganon lang naman tayo diba we cant really keep whats inside.well sometimes id just intend to silent.


i find it hard my life here when it comes to financially, emotionally though he buy me things i need but i need to tell him. i mean its like i dont have anymore freedom of money, whatever happened i dont have my own money so i feel so unsecured too. secondly my husband just bought this house but since that i dont have a job the title of this house is only with him and my name is not in there is that fine? i mean please dont get me wrong i might sounds what you dont like but girls like me want a security right.

YOU HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND TREAT YOU DID HE GIVE YOU MONEY? LIKE ALLOWANCE FOR YOUR SELF AND ALSO THE BUDGET FOR THE GROCERIES AND SENDING MONEY TO PHILIPPINES.??? OR YOU NEED TO ASK FOR FIRST? DID HE KNOWS HOW TO TURN YOU UP SMILE OR WHEN SOMETHING WRONG OR SOMETHING MAKE YOU WORRIES WHAT HE GOING TO DO?? HOW ARE YOU AS A WIFE? IS A KIND OF WIFE YOU ARE NOW THAT YOU LIKE OR DREAMING?

thanks for who are you now reading and pay attention for this..

hi sc,
how long you been here in uk?
why your not go to work?
then you got your own money then?
because we are the same setuation as yours?before when i first arrive here,
i dont got any money, everytime i ask my hubby money to send to my son to the philipines
we got lots of argument he keep moan why i need to give you money,and he just keep on and on and on??? then i try very hard to find get work untill i got work.
then now after past 2years he never moan about money,because i work so hard,and i buy everythings food,needs?all i can suggest sc you need try hard
also to your hubby give it some time?
like some wife who answer with you.
we are pinay matibay ang loob,mahaba pasinsya...you ganna be happy atlast
trust me

[sparky]

might just be me being cynical but as far as i can see the OP hasnt mentioned the "L" word in all her posts relating to her husband..................

perhaps theres the problem

[Tish]

Phew, just took me ages to get to the bottom of this thread

Hi SC,

I hope you're feeling much better lately And not as sad and confused

Tish

[somebody]

From a quick read it sounds like to me you need a purpose to your life, either volunteer work or ( i know its not easy at the moment) to get a Job of some sort.

Even if you earn pocket money you will have your own money to send home or do as you please although dont forget to offer something to the household even if its just a gesture.

Your husband sounds like myself, I work hard dont go crazy and life can be a tad boring. Like you and even my Wife before we married I was happy to go out and about but now we are married. Life has changed, I can remeber when i started secondary school i was anoyed life had changed then the same for college and uni. Once I started work it changed again and then the last massive change was getting married and realise my life is not just my own that another indivudal life is intertwined with mine.
I could not dissapear for the day or waste all my spare money on records or go out friday and find my way home sunday night.

Basically you need to slowly grow used to that way of life or jack it all in if you dont want that and live the life you wish.


Any way take it easy and enjoy the forum :-)

[RickyR]

Some great advice on her, but don't just think you have to settle for accepting this life. You make the life what it is, and get out there and do as has been suggested a bit of charity work or something.
If it really isn't working between you, and you have taken all the steps to tell your husband how you feel then you do have options, sometimes it needs you to talk to a counsillor or similar, or sometimes when you've tried very very hard you have to make a difficult decision. But you must think carefully about what you want, and how you can achieve that, and what your husband wants.

[bornatbirth]

then you need her to open up and talk....my wife doesnt stay silent for long(sometimes i wish she would)so whatever the problem was usually gets sorted!

[ca143]

oh dear,u have to forget ur happy go,lucky go life in pinas,u had already new life here that is ur choice,i think all u need to do is find a job.forget ur single life face the present and challenge the future..about d house u dont have to be worried that ur name not included on it coz that is a conjugal proprty as well and wat ms penny said he cannot bring on it into heaven,find a job girl so u can drink beer as many as u can....and send money back home