Sometimes love sometimes horrible

[sadly confuse]

im a new member here and living now in london with my husband. my husband is not a bad guy. he dont have a bad habits like drinking alcohol, smoking, clubbing,AND sometimes he act like a kid.but hes still the man who stand for hes responsible like house, food, etc., im not alcoholic but i do like drinking sometimes in the pub with friends go disco, shoppings, having fun even in a small way.this is what i am before he met me.(I MIS MY SISTER MY PARTNER IN CRIME) were totally different likes where id just discover when we finally together here in uk. but it doenst mean that hes bad so am i right.

i write this letter for me and for my husband. coz i know we both having a hard time of our relationship well because of my attitude or things that we always argue that mostly its start on me. but you cant blame me, what can i do i have my own idea, opinion, and feelings, sure that i want him to know and that is the start of our discussion. i cant just be quiet and follow him and yes yes yes only, pero napapagod din ako mag complain lalo na wala namang resulta pero di rin naman lahat ha there are also thing that thank god bilang na bilang ngalang.


my husband is not a bad guy but there are so many things we dont agree to each other.i want us to do together things that we both like. but what i like to do mostly he dont like and it really keeps me boring. we sure did lots of things that we had fun but its actuallly all hes idea and when my turn to choose or i intend to choose what i wanna do its just end up for so many reasons mostly. well for the record for now were doing fine. he never shouted me when im upset tayong mga pilipina pa nga ang matapang eh hehe.pero ganon lang naman tayo diba we cant really keep whats inside.well sometimes id just intend to silent.


i find it hard my life here when it comes to financially, emotionally though he buy me things i need but i need to tell him. i mean its like i dont have anymore freedom of money, whatever happened i dont have my own money so i feel so unsecured too. secondly my husband just bought this house but since that i dont have a job the title of this house is only with him and my name is not in there is that fine? i mean please dont get me wrong i might sounds what you dont like but girls like me want a security right.

YOU HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND TREAT YOU DID HE GIVE YOU MONEY? LIKE ALLOWANCE FOR YOUR SELF AND ALSO THE BUDGET FOR THE GROCERIES AND SENDING MONEY TO PHILIPPINES.??? OR YOU NEED TO ASK FOR FIRST? DID HE KNOWS HOW TO TURN YOU UP SMILE OR WHEN SOMETHING WRONG OR SOMETHING MAKE YOU WORRIES WHAT HE GOING TO DO?? HOW ARE YOU AS A WIFE? IS A KIND OF WIFE YOU ARE NOW THAT YOU LIKE OR DREAMING?

thanks for who are you now reading and pay attention for this..

[LadyJ]

Hi Sadly Confuse, you're indeed sounds sadly and confused. Im sorry to hear about your story. Just keep us sharing your story here and that pain feelings you've got there inside of you will come out. We are here to comfort you and give you advice.

btw, Welcome to the forum.

[KeithD]

As we always say on here, you need to sort all money issues out before you marry as it causes the most problems.

You say you don't have your own money, but also say you go drinking! So while he works hard all week to support you, you go and waste it on drink!

Both parties make sacrifices in a marriage, my wife sacrificed her life in Singapore, and I was sacrificed by the wife

[maria_and_matt]

hmmm, why does it bother u that the house title is only in his name? and also u have the money to go out drinking and clubbing so i assume your husband is providing for you.

we have to make sacrifices when we are married, we should try to be happy with what u have. be thankful that you have a husband who provides you with shelter, food and does not yell at you.

maybe u can suggest that he gives u money each month, my husband does so i can do my own thing without having to bug him for money.

goodluck.

[miss.piggy]

Hi SC,

You said a few times that your husband is not a bad person at all. It is in itself is something to be thankful about. From your post, your only issue is money which you relate to security. I fully appreciate your stand, but there's a solution to that and it will depend on how much you want to resolve these issues. First, why don't you try and find a job. If you're not that picky, I'm sure there are loads of little works to do where you can get even a bit of cash for your own disposal. This will help you and your husband too.

In regard to the house...when we marry, two become one. If my husband will do the same, I will personally not take it against me, as his is mine and mine is NOT mine alone.

Communication is very, very important as well. Remember that we do not need to shout to be heard. Silence will only make you bitter as well. So why not ask him to sit and relax whilst you both open up and sort your issues. Goodluck.

[GaryFifer]

You think your husband is boring? What exactly do you want in life? Partying drinking dancing singing, having a laugh. Maybe going to the funfair and throwing up on the roller coaster?

Ask yourself, what activities make you happy. Ask him what he enjoys. If he is a quiet contemplative thinker who likes fishing and boats, you have totally different hobbies.

If you can find something both of you love doing then do it. Otherwise go out with separate friends. That is the key. Make a list

[KeithD]

It doesn't matter whose name the house is in, as they are the ones responsible for the debt only. If you are married, you are still entitled to half.

[Geraldine]

Hi!

Sorry to hear about that..but was just wondering how long you 2 know each other? If its not that long...then both of you will really need time to adjust. It might be the age difference as well..you are young and loves going out while he is just a home body but inspite of that relationships can still work. Why not compromise, like you choose where u want to go then next time its his turn to choose.

With regard to money...why not get a job so you dont have to rely on him for your personal pleasures

Regards
Geraldine

[sadly confuse]

to all who reply this comment thank you very much from the buttom of my heart and will do read it again until i finally find out the problem and how it will help me.

you know guys ive been really already trying hard my self to adjust.and always just crying. i maybe really wrong and hurting my husband and my self for being like this. im not rich but i used to be a happy go lucky and now id just felt the hard life to me which i tried to fight it but i always find my self hard. specially when you go out in this world sometimes id just dont wanna go out anymore, it makes me sad only and beside i have no friends here.

i have a very diffrent life now.. before im the onw who always give a strength to those people who are need but now id just find my self always in confuse and sad and trying to be happy. and make my husband happy.

i think i need more psychologist of how to accept my life now.

thank you and til next post

[miss.piggy]

Is it that bad that you need a psychologist/psychiatrist? SC, think about it, you're in another country, with less friends and perhaps not financially okay. But hey, it's not the end of the world! Someone, somewhere is experiencing something more difficult and more serious than just not being able to shop til they drop, and hang in the pubs - there's more to life than those, ie. love, romance, relationships, family. I honestly do not know the extent of your difficulties, but given the idea from the above post, I'd say it's just a matter of finding out the best things NOW, than looking at what you are missing. You're a Pinay -- you'll find your way.

[pennybarry]

Before we marry our husband, we must have some expectations regarding financial capability of our husband. We must also think that marrying white is NOT like winning lottery. Be thankful he has no bad habits and try to land a job as possible so you can have your own money. As what I have said before, money doesn't grows on trees in this country.

It's only money but it is always the start of arguments so why not keep calm and learn how to ask money from your hubby in a very special way! Konting lambing lalo na bago matulog. Your sweetness, caress and the LOVE to show to him before you ask money.

Don't be bothered about the house, he cannot bring it in heaven!

Cheer UP!

[Sophie]

Hello sadly confuse I'm sorry for how you are feeling right now. Reading your post, you reiterated that your husband is a good man in general....
But you have problems with other issues (allowance, doing together things of your choice and not always his, etc.)
My take on this is to talk to your husband nicely and calmly about things that bothers you or things you hope for and expect from him and from your marriage,
at thesame time, i suggest you also ask him what he wants, what he hopes for and what his expectations are on you and on your marriage....
Remember there's 2 of you in this marriage, its not just about you, its about him too....
open communication and willingness to compromise is always the best way to go....

One more thing, looks to me, from your post, he seems to be a good provider as well, since you can go out on pubs and disco from time to time
and you got a house he needs to pay for as well, and don't worry about the house on his name alone....
Remember you're married, so whatever's his is yours too, lol, it's conjugal...
Personally, its best if you try to appreciate him more for the good qualities he got as a husband....
instead of focusing on the things he lack and his shortcomings and what he doesn't do for you....
He works hard for both of you and sometimes it would be nice to give him some consolation of being appreciated for his efforts....
Men want nothing more than a supportive wife and we ought to bring out the best in our husbands and we have the power to do that as women
I know marriage is give and take, but mostly give.....you have to think more of what you can do for your husband....
trust me, he will reciprocate coz i believe relationships are like mirrors....

And as for being financially independent, maybe it would be good to get a job, that way you get yourself preoccupied
and make something of yourself than just depending on your husband for money.....
Financial dependence can sometimes make us wives so insecure and inferior about ourselves....
And also, there's no such thing as a perfect husband and neither are we perfect wives anyway.....

Marriage is about love and conflict.....as there's no such thing as a perfect marriage nor a perfect relationship,
disagreements can be good once in a while.....as it allows you to understand and know each other more and practice tolerance for each other...
its a chance for both of you to prove your love and live up to the vows you made for each other on your wedding day - for better or for worse...
And its an opportunity to grow together as a couple....so enjoy your marriage - in good times and in bad

[sadly confuse]

to all again who answer me thank you so much for your concern . and for alll you question about my concern i wil really get back to you id just need to pose first...8-)and will answer again all your concern on this matter thankssssss

[Tawi2]

We are pinays we are strong,we are pinays we are one............Rah....Rah......PINAYS (I plagiarised that chant from the Deleware Bison cheerleaders,just changed the words slightly) Your hubbie actually sounds a diamond,doesnt smoke,nor drink,nor go clubbing?You should have a smile a mile wide,dont wallow in any form of pity,its destructive,count your positives

[Alan]

Hello sadly confuse I'm sorry for how you are feeling right now. Reading your post, you reiterated that your husband is a good man in general....
But you have problems with other issues (allowance, doing together things of your choice and not always his, etc.)
My take on this is to talk to your husband nicely and calmly about things that bothers you or things you hope for and expect from him and from your marriage,
at thesame time, i suggest you also ask him what he wants, what he hopes for and what his expectations are on you and on your marriage....
Remember there's 2 of you in this marriage, its not just about you, its about him too....
open communication and willingness to compromise is always the best way to go....

One more thing, looks to me, from your post, he seems to be a good provider as well, since you can go out on pubs and disco from time to time
and you got a house he needs to pay for as well, and don't worry about the house on his name alone....
Remember you're married, so whatever's his is yours too, lol, it's conjugal...
Personally, its best if you try to appreciate him more for the good qualities he got as a husband....
instead of focusing on the things he lack and his shortcomings and what he doesn't do for you....
He works hard for both of you and sometimes it would be nice to give him some consolation of being appreciated for his efforts....
Men want nothing more than a supportive wife and we ought to bring out the best in our husbands and we have the power to do that as women
I know marriage is give and take, but mostly give.....you have to think more of what you can do for your husband....
trust me, he will reciprocate coz i believe relationships are like mirrors....

And as for being financially independent, maybe it would be good to get a job, that way you get yourself preoccupied
and make something of yourself than just depending on your husband for money.....
Financial dependence can sometimes make us wives so insecure and inferior about ourselves....
And also, there's no such thing as a perfect husband and neither are we perfect wives anyway.....

Marriage is about love and conflict.....as there's no such thing as a perfect marriage nor a perfect relationship,
disagreements can be good once in a while.....as it allows you to understand and know each other more and practice tolerance for each other...
its a chance for both of you to prove your love and live up to the vows you made for each other on your wedding day - for better or for worse...
And its an opportunity to grow together as a couple....so enjoy your marriage - in good times and in bad

Great post Sophie!!

Al.

[IanB]

Sadly,

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Marriage is never an easy thing.

I think it is great that you enjoy drinking and clubbing. If you can find some friends to go with, there is no reason for your husband to go with you, and he should be happy to think about you enjoying yourself. Unfortunately some husbands treat Asian wives like children and don't allow them to go out and have fun!

You need to give yourself a lot of time to settle in to this strange country. You may well feel homesick for many years. If you can manage to get a job you will be less bored and more independent.

I hope everything gets better, but please keep in touch with other ladies on this forum - they know how you feel!

[aphrodite78]

Hi SC,

Welcome to the forum.

Unfortunately these things do happen, finding it hard to adjust, we whinge we moan and we complain but that is just normal. There is nothing wrong with you to ask for a psychologist you are just going thru change. Trust me you are not alone on this. You just have to accept things as they are.

With regards to your husband, you have to speak your mind dear. He can't read your mind. Ask and you shall receive, you have to be assertive sometimes. At the moment yes you are financially dependent to him but as soon as you find a job things will be easier for you.

Relationship tends not to work because we love someone hoping that they will change for us but sadly it doesn't work that way. Based from your post you have things in common, why don't you work out on those things that u both got in common and take it from there.

Chin up! Things will get easier (I hope) .

[Sophie]

Great post Sophie!!

Al.

Thanks Al

[James Hubbard]

i think i need more psychologist of how to accept my life now.

As a counselor, I can direct you to someone who can help you - in tagalog . . . if you want the details, I will be happy to let you have them.

It's nothing to be ashamed about, and it will really help you.

[Bluebirdjones]

Tawi ….. you are dead right …. wallowing in self pity.

Reality has now hit home for this silly little girl.
“Life” in the UK is not a bed of roses…. i’s work, stress, and effort just like everything else in life.

I’ll warrant a guess that when you met in the Philippines, you were not both going out drinking or partying, or disco-ing (such a word ?) every night.
I’ll warrant that that “personality” was kept under wraps… the nice girl who doesn’t drink, always home before 9.00pm.
I’ll also warrant that your man hasn’t changed ….. he’s still the steady, loving, caring guy that he always was.

The “deception” wasn’t on his part ……

Perhaps instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should be more pro-active.
Why not enrol at an Adult Education course provided by the local authority ?
Why not volunteer to work in a charity shop ? … who knows, a real job might materialise thru it.
Both options offer the chance of meeting new friends.

,…… or is it the “excitement” of the new friends in the disco that interests you more ?

Grow up !

[Tawi2]

I didnt mean it in a bad way BB,I just think with 90% of the world living in poverty,the flood victims in Manila recently,the Indonesian earthquake casualties,the Samoa tsunami deaths,each and every one of us should be a little more appreciative of what we have and the position we are in,SC's husband sounds like a grafter,a decent sort of bloke,lots of women would willingly step into her shoes,but we all feel down at times I guess,it just affects different people in different ways

[sadly confuse]

Hi Sadly Confuse, you're indeed sounds sadly and confused. Im sorry to hear about your story. Just keep us sharing your story here and that pain feelings you've got there inside of you will come out. We are here to comfort you and give you advice.

btw, Welcome to the forum.

HI MS LADY J. thank you for a warming welcome and make me this a bit way of comfort..after all nobodys perfect!

[sadly confuse]

As we always say on here, you need to sort all money issues out before you marry as it causes the most problems.

You say you don't have your own money, but also say you go drinking! So while he works hard all week to support you, you go and waste it on drink!

Both parties make sacrifices in a marriage, my wife sacrificed her life in Singapore, and I was sacrificed by the wife

win 2 win thanks. i think i explain in a wrong word. i never waste money like going for a drink with hes money. what im just hoping is i miss my life before like going to a bar once in a while and really have fun . but im not that alcoholic..

[sadly confuse]

hmmm, why does it bother u that the house title is only in his name? and also u have the money to go out drinking and clubbing so i assume your husband is providing for you.

we have to make sacrifices when we are married, we should try to be happy with what u have. be thankful that you have a husband who provides you with shelter, food and does not yell at you.

maybe u can suggest that he gives u money each month, my husband does so i can do my own thing without having to bug him for money.

goodluck.

well he do give me money and sometimes send money in philippines but i have to ask which makes me feel so hard.

[GaryFifer]

Tawi ….. you are dead right …. wallowing in self pity.

Reality has now hit home for this silly little girl.
“Life” in the UK is not a bed of roses…. i’s work, stress, and effort just like everything else in life.

I’ll warrant a guess that when you met in the Philippines, you were not both going out drinking or partying, or disco-ing (such a word ?) every night.
I’ll warrant that that “personality” was kept under wraps… the nice girl who doesn’t drink, always home before 9.00pm.
I’ll also warrant that your man hasn’t changed ….. he’s still the steady, loving, caring guy that he always was.

The “deception” wasn’t on his part ……

Perhaps instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should be more pro-active.
Why not enrol at an Adult Education course provided by the local authority ?
Why not volunteer to work in a charity shop ? … who knows, a real job might materialise thru it.
Both options offer the chance of meeting new friends.

,…… or is it the “excitement” of the new friends in the disco that interests you more ?

Grow up !

Not sure if that is correct decorum in this sensitive situation. I agree with your sentiments, but some people need guidance, or a step in the right direction... when they are clearly a bit lost.

[Queenbee]

Tawi ….. you are dead right …. wallowing in self pity.

Reality has now hit home for this silly little girl.
“Life” in the UK is not a bed of roses…. i’s work, stress, and effort just like everything else in life.

I’ll warrant a guess that when you met in the Philippines, you were not both going out drinking or partying, or disco-ing (such a word ?) every night.
I’ll warrant that that “personality” was kept under wraps… the nice girl who doesn’t drink, always home before 9.00pm.
I’ll also warrant that your man hasn’t changed ….. he’s still the steady, loving, caring guy that he always was.

The “deception” wasn’t on his part ……

Perhaps instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should be more pro-active.
Why not enrol at an Adult Education course provided by the local authority ?
Why not volunteer to work in a charity shop ? … who knows, a real job might materialise thru it.
Both options offer the chance of meeting new friends.

,…… or is it the “excitement” of the new friends in the disco that interests you more ?

Grow up !

AGREE!!I think you have to enjoy first before getting married as it is not alWays a bed of roses...I have been going out and clubbing,isand hopping Whatsoever all my life and there comes a time Where u jst sit back and just relax and enjoy the moment ith yah loveydovey,,Maybe because im in the MUsic ndustry,i get to travel,meet neW people,go shopping some cool dresses n makeup,go out dancin n drinkin red Wine almost every night like Water,,heheAnd most of all i get Paid With the ONE thing i love to do==MUSIC,,,HoW cool is that right??BUT....You feel that there's alWays somethin missing,you realized you get What u Want and hat u need but it doesnt make you still happy...Man can never be satisfied,you just have to be contented With What you have,appreciate...
Soooo me Went home and continued my studies and found a neW love Which is also ART==photography and trying to be a makeup artist,Music is still there...

So the lesson here is find something to do that makes you groW as a person,makes you truly happy,,,Never to be too dependent With the husband and try to talk to him or even ask him hoW he is,maybe he doesnt even kno What u really Want...Its not only you here...

About the BORING part,learn to compromise and do things together...It;s a give and take,,,Maybe cater to him and all.Put on a sexy lingerie and some perfume,nice smelin lotion and all...Surprise him..You might also get surprised after that,,hehe

[sadly confuse]

Sadly,

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Marriage is never an easy thing.

I think it is great that you enjoy drinking and clubbing. If you can find some friends to go with, there is no reason for your husband to go with you, and he should be happy to think about you enjoying yourself. Unfortunately some husbands treat Asian wives like children and don't allow them to go out and have fun!

You need to give yourself a lot of time to settle in to this strange country. You may well feel homesick for many years. If you can manage to get a job you will be less bored and more independent.

I hope everything gets better, but please keep in touch with other ladies on this forum - they know how you feel!

helollo again ian. thanks for this reply.. for all reply that i read well i like them all coz they all have points.. and it made me more clear how husband good i have.. but you know what after reading your repoy i ask my self to have a responsible husband is it enough? coz i do believe contentment and happy have a big difference meaning it self..

[Queenbee]

oh and also you have to be YOU With your husband and not to be someone else as it can cause resentment,You get confused,lost and UNSATISFIED,,,

[Sophie]

and it made me more clear how husband good i have.. but you know what after reading your repoy i ask my self to have a responsible husband is it enough? coz i do believe contentment and happy have a big difference meaning it self..

Happiness is a state of mind....
you either choose to be happy and appreciate the good things you have now and be contented OR wallow in self pity and misery.....
Sometimes when we focus too much on the negative and the things we don't have....we overlook the good things and the more important things we have....
We get so busy moaning and focusing on trivial matters when we have a lot to be thankful about....

[James Hubbard]

Happiness is a state of mind....
you either choose to be happy and appreciate the good things you have now and be contented OR wallow in self pity and misery.....
Sometimes when we focus too much on the negative and the things we don't have....we overlook the good things and the more important things we have....
We get so busy moaning and focusing on trivial matters when we have a lot to be thankful about....

Amen sister sophie