anti social boyfriend?

[sassy]

Hi
anyone have any ideas as to why my filipino b/f is very quiet in front of my friends and family? He is very talkative with his own filipino friends etc. Have been in a relationship with him for two years and he has been living in U.K. for 1 year already but always seems not to make any effort with them? He says it is the language barrier but his english is fluent! When I try talking to him about it he dismisses it. He isn't shy at all and will only answer them when spoken to. Obviously to the outsider this can appear rude and anti social. Even if one's english was very basic, anyone can have a simple conversation. But as I say there is no problem with this. What do you guys suggest I can do? Very difficult to talk to him about it.

[Northerner]

Sounds to me like he is just less comfortable in your familes company than with his friends.. Not too suprising.

Perhaps he cannot be himself in front of them? Perhaps he feels they look down on him?

I doubt it is anti social, and I would bet he feels bad about it too. But cannot bring himself to admit it to you.

Just my few thoughts..

[James Hubbard]

Hi
anyone have any ideas as to why my filipino b/f is very quiet in front of my friends and family? He is very talkative with his own filipino friends etc. Have been in a relationship with him for two years and he has been living in U.K. for 1 year already but always seems not to make any effort with them? He says it is the language barrier but his english is fluent! When I try talking to him about it he dismisses it. He isn't shy at all and will only answer them when spoken to. Obviously to the outsider this can appear rude and anti social. Even if one's english was very basic, anyone can have a simple conversation. But as I say there is no problem with this. What do you guys suggest I can do? Very difficult to talk to him about it.

If you were in the Philippines, I would say that it's normal. Here in the Visayas they call it Olaw and in tagalog they call it Hiya...

Sadly here, we gotta put up with it.

I don't know what his problem is if he's in the UK and he's the guy in the relationship. Don't know.

Filipinos tend to get really shy, even the astig type (the tough guy). It's one of those things that can come off as rude to us Brits. I don't know what to say other than, if it's that, maybe he's very very shy, ... other than that, maybe it's something else, maybe something deeper.

Is everything OK between you and him -- as normal? If so, then it's probably shyness. If not, it's probably something else, deeper.

BTW, i haven't seen you here before, so let me say WELCOME

JimHub,

[GaryFifer]

Hi
anyone have any ideas as to why my filipino b/f is very quiet in front of my friends and family? He is very talkative with his own filipino friends etc. Have been in a relationship with him for two years and he has been living in U.K. for 1 year already but always seems not to make any effort with them? He says it is the language barrier but his english is fluent! When I try talking to him about it he dismisses it. He isn't shy at all and will only answer them when spoken to. Obviously to the outsider this can appear rude and anti social. Even if one's english was very basic, anyone can have a simple conversation. But as I say there is no problem with this. What do you guys suggest I can do? Very difficult to talk to him about it.

Maybe he doesn't want to put his foot in it, in case he messes up. Maybe it would affect his gangsta image talking to family lol

[sassy]

Sounds to me like he is just less comfortable in your familes company than with his friends.. Not too suprising.

Perhaps he cannot be himself in front of them? Perhaps he feels they look down on him?

I doubt it is anti social, and I would bet he feels bad about it too. But cannot bring himself to admit it to you.

Just my few thoughts..

Hi
not sure either, but my family are very friendly and welcoming. I went to the Philippines and met many people and this can be difficult if you are a bit shy as I am, but I made a big effort and one pushes oneself for their partner I believe.
He seems to get quite annoyed if I try to approach the subject. I have explained how this could be percived by others and how my family's feelings and opinion of my partner is very important as it would be for him.
I feel this would be an ongoing problem then? Hard to overcome. Difficult for me to have to explain to all friends and family we meet when I don't even know myself. As you can imagine, it hasn't gone down brilliantly!

Thanks for your opinion.

[James Hubbard]

Hi
not sure either, but my family are very friendly and welcoming. I went to the Philippines and met many people and this can be difficult if you are a bit shy as I am, but I made a big effort and one pushes oneself for their partner I believe.
He seems to get quite annoyed if I try to approach the subject. I have explained how this could be percived by others and how my family's feelings and opinion of my partner is very important as it would be for him.
I feel this would be an ongoing problem then? Hard to overcome. Difficult for me to have to explain to all friends and family we meet when I don't even know myself. As you can imagine, it hasn't gone down brilliantly!

Thanks for your opinion.

To be honest, I know lots will disagree, shyness will be with him forever. Sorry.

If you learn how to be happy with that, it'll be great.

If not, it will be hard for you ...

after living here and 3 years with my Filipina wife that's my conclusion.

[sassy]

If you were in the Philippines, I would say that it's normal. Here in the Visayas they call it Olaw and in tagalog they call it Hiya...

Sadly here, we gotta put up with it.

I don't know what his problem is if he's in the UK and he's the guy in the relationship. Don't know.

Filipinos tend to get really shy, even the astig type (the tough guy). It's one of those things that can come off as rude to us Brits. I don't know what to say other than, if it's that, maybe he's very very shy, ... other than that, maybe it's something else, maybe something deeper.

Is everything OK between you and him -- as normal? If so, then it's probably shyness. If not, it's probably something else, deeper.

BTW, i haven't seen you here before, so let me say WELCOME

JimHub,

Hi JimHub
thanks for your reply. My b/f is the life and soul of any party usually! From what I have seen of him in the Philippines and with filipino friends over here. Yes all is ok with us, but it is a sticking point for me I'm afraid! I thought all filipinos were talkative?!
Problem is my sister has seen him laughing and talking ten to the dozen with his friends and was quite hurt he doesnt take any interest in her at all. I would feel the same too. We spent four days in Cornwall with her and he did not say one word to her the whole time!!
Thamks for the welcome.

[GaryFifer]

Intimidated. Yer average "Whateverrrrrr" girl these days can bite your head off.

[somebody]

Hi JimHub
thanks for your reply. My b/f is the life and soul of any party usually! From what I have seen of him in the Philippines and with filipino friends over here. Yes all is ok with us, but it is a sticking point for me I'm afraid! I thought all filipinos were talkative?!
Problem is my sister has seen him laughing and talking ten to the dozen with his friends and was quite hurt he doesnt take any interest in her at all. I would feel the same too. We spent four days in Cornwall with her and he did not say one word to her the whole time!!
Thamks for the welcome.

Wow thats a bit extreme. What job does he have here, how long has he been in the UK?

What are his other filipino friends like with you and your family?

Maybe its fear of saying the wrong thing? Has he had a past relationship go belly up?
As James says quite a few Phill blokes I meet are very quiet and reserved it seems when talking to me yet joke around with their mates.
I put that down to our lack of English/Tagalog on our respective sides. They always come out of their shell after a while and after a beer or two normally.

Another question what is he like around his own family?

Turning the point of view round im often very quiet in front of my Wifes family and some of her Friends. Wh

[James Hubbard]

Wow thats a bit extreme. What job does he have here, how long has he been in the UK?

What are his other filipino friends like with you and your family?

Maybe its fear of saying the wrong thing? Has he had a past relationship go belly up?
As James says quite a few Phill blokes I meet are very quiet and reserved it seems when talking to me yet joke around with their mates.
I put that down to our lack of English/Tagalog on our respective sides. They always come out of their shell after a while and after a beer or two normally.

Another question what is he like around his own family?

Turning the point of view round im often very quiet in front of my Wifes family and some of her Friends. Wh

Although it seems that "Somebody"'s post is unfinished, I echo his sentiments, particularly with the questions he asks. ..

interested to hear your response sassy!

[GaryFifer]

Get some beers down his neck!

[James Hubbard]

Get some beers down his neck!

That usually works also. I would suggest red horse, but in UK, .... Tennants Super or Carlsberg Special Brew!

[sassy]

Wow thats a bit extreme. What job does he have here, how long has he been in the UK?

What are his other filipino friends like with you and your family?

Maybe its fear of saying the wrong thing? Has he had a past relationship go belly up?
As James says quite a few Phill blokes I meet are very quiet and reserved it seems when talking to me yet joke around with their mates.
I put that down to our lack of English/Tagalog on our respective sides. They always come out of their shell after a while and after a beer or two normally.

Another question what is he like around his own family?

Turning the point of view round im often very quiet in front of my Wifes family and some of her Friends. Wh

Hi there
most of his friends are good with me yes.
It's one thing being reserved but in my opinion you can still push yourself to ask people just a couple of questions about themselves etc.
Very difficult for anyone to get to know his personality this way.
We tried him with some drink, but he ended up being very similar, only he drank the whole of my mum's bottle of brandy when she wasnt looking!!

[James Hubbard]

Hi there
most of his friends are good with me yes.
It's one thing being reserved but in my opinion you can still push yourself to ask people just a couple of questions about themselves etc.
Very difficult for anyone to get to know his personality this way.
We tried him with some drink, but he ended up being very similar, only he drank the whole of my mum's bottle of brandy when she wasnt looking!!

bwahahaha

maybe, if you can't find a decent way to justify his attitude, maybe you have a real problem that will lead to either breakup of the relationship or maybe you need to look deeper into your relationship or his past.

[Arthur Little]

Hi
anyone have any ideas as to why my filipino b/f is very quiet in front of my friends and family? He is very talkative with his own filipino friends etc. Have been in a relationship with him for two years and he has been living in U.K. for 1 year already but always seems not to make any effort with them? He says it is the language barrier but his english is fluent! When I try talking to him about it he dismisses it. He isn't shy at all and will only answer them when spoken to. Obviously to the outsider this can appear rude and anti social. Even if one's english was very basic, anyone can have a simple conversation. But as I say there is no problem with this. What do you guys suggest I can do? Very difficult to talk to him about it.

Communication has to be two-sided, in order to be effective. Perhaps your boyfriend simply feels more at ease with people in his own "peer" group. Lots of folk [myself included] find it easier to carry on a conversation with someone they know well. It's possible, too, that he's particularly self-conscious in front of your family and friends because, for instance, he may be overly concerned about the kind of impression he THINKS he's likely to make on them ... be afraid of becoming tongue-tied ... and decides to take the line of least resistance by "retreating into his shell".

Certainly in my experience, it's rare to encounter an inherently anti-social Filipino ... and if I were you, I'd have a talk with your parents, sibling(s) and close friends, and try to persuade THEM to "draw him out" a bit ... make the 'first move' in other words. This will, at least, help your b/f to relax in their company and encourage HIM to establish a more naturally responsive and spontaneous line of communication.

[Sophie]

Hi
anyone have any ideas as to why my filipino b/f is very quiet in front of my friends and family? He is very talkative with his own filipino friends etc. Have been in a relationship with him for two years and he has been living in U.K. for 1 year already but always seems not to make any effort with them? He says it is the language barrier but his english is fluent! When I try talking to him about it he dismisses it. He isn't shy at all and will only answer them when spoken to. Obviously to the outsider this can appear rude and anti social. Even if one's english was very basic, anyone can have a simple conversation. But as I say there is no problem with this. What do you guys suggest I can do? Very difficult to talk to him about it.

Hello sassy, he may be feeling a little intimidated with your family which is quite normal for filipinos sometimes.....
but inevitably, i know it can be misconstrued as being rude and snob.....
Some of us tend to be shy, reserved and conscious around people were not very close to......
while it's the opposite when were around people close and familiar to us...
Or he may be trying to be more careful in talking to your family for fear of saying things
or coming up with remarks or jokes your family may not like nor find funny......
But i suggest you talk to him openly about this and appeal to him to make some effort or atleast try harder to reach out to your family......

[GaryFifer]

Why don't you break some wind. If he doesn't crack his face there's something wrong with im

[James Hubbard]

Why don't you break some wind. If he doesn't crack his face there's something wrong with im

she isn't in scotland Pal!

[sassy]

Although it seems that "Somebody"'s post is unfinished, I echo his sentiments, particularly with the questions he asks. ..

interested to hear your response sassy!

Hi
well he is not working at the moment. He seems good with his family, relaxed. Same with friends. No probs there. Time will tell I suppose. But you are right I think when you say he will always be like this. I think I will find it hard that part of his culture.
Cheers anyway. Appreciate your thoughts.

[GaryFifer]

Ill blows the wind that profits nobody. William Shakespeare, Henry VI

[sassy]

Why don't you break some wind. If he doesn't crack his face there's something wrong with im

Hi
haha! I leave that to the men!!

[Arthur Little]

Intimidated. Yer average "Whateverrrrrr" girl these days can bite your head off.

... a "no' boannie" perra 'damsels in distress' them twae, Gary!! :lol2:
Whaur did ye dig 'thaes yins up frae, maun? The wan oan the richt reminds me o' the late, lamentING Les Dawson in drag ... ABOOT tae 'emit some noxious gas'! While the ither ane looks like she's jist caught a whiff

[bornatbirth]

maybe he just doesnt like your family or find them interesting to talk too

i have members of my family who i liken to neanderthalman,so i dont bother talking to them,at family get togethers im always working

[GaryFifer]

Hmmm why don't you try talking about gangsta rap and motorbikes?

[JimOttley]

Hi
anyone have any ideas as to why my filipino b/f is very quiet in front of my friends and family? He is very talkative with his own filipino friends etc. Have been in a relationship with him for two years and he has been living in U.K. for 1 year already but always seems not to make any effort with them? He says it is the language barrier but his english is fluent! When I try talking to him about it he dismisses it. He isn't shy at all and will only answer them when spoken to. Obviously to the outsider this can appear rude and anti social. Even if one's english was very basic, anyone can have a simple conversation. But as I say there is no problem with this. What do you guys suggest I can do? Very difficult to talk to him about it.

Yep as James said it's probably "Hiya" shyness and embarrassment quite typical of a Filipino abroad, my partner was a different person here when she met my sister not the outgoing open talkative crazy lady that I love so much.

She also got really shy when she met my UK daughter for the first time

My opinion is not just based on my partners reaction but on the behaviour of my Filipino colleagues who have visited the UK as well, they were totally different here compared to the Phils.

It's normal but feels strange at first.

Jim

[James Hubbard]

... a "no' boannie" perra 'damsels in distress' them twae, Gary!! :lol2:
Whaur did ye dig 'thaes yins up frae, maun? The wan oan the richt reminds me o' the late, lamentING Les Dawson in drag ... ABOOT tae 'emit some noxious gas'! While the ither ane looks like she's jist caught a whiff

stop talkin in tagalog! lol!

[rayofLight]

Communication has to be two-sided, in order to be effective. Perhaps your boyfriend simply feels more at ease with people in his own "peer" group. Lots of folk [myself included] find it easier to carry on a conversation with someone they know well. It's possible, too, that he's particularly self-conscious in front of your family and friends because, for instance, he may be overly concerned about the kind of impression he THINKS he's likely to make on them ... be afraid of becoming tongue-tied ... and decides to take the line of least resistance by "retreating into his shell".

Certainly in my experience, it's rare to encounter an inherently anti-social Filipino ... and if I were you, I'd have a talk with your parents, sibling(s) and close friends, and try to persuade THEM to "draw him out" a bit ... make the 'first move' in other words. This will, at least, help your b/f to relax in their company and encourage HIM to establish a more naturally responsive and spontaneous line of communication.

i can relate with these kind of problem of sassy's partner....'coz on my 1st month here in UK(sept'09)the biggest problem of my partner, is me, not talking always, especially when we are with her mum, he said i'm different when we are talking in the computer, when i am still in the Philippines...He said i'm very talkative but now i'm not....
at 1st ofcourse it's normal not to be more talkative ...'coz i am affraid to start a conversation(topic), 'coz we don't know if it's ok with them or not, so i am only observing....anyway now, i started to be talkative again....the problem is.....the issues to be talk.....hahahaha......'coz i'm a kind of a person that lazy to talk...hahaha...even on my own dialect, how much more in english...hahahaha.....

[dave63]

my wife is from a family who show great respect towards family members. Could it be RESPECT? Not wanting say or do wrong thing?

[GaryFifer]

i can relate with these kind of problem of sassy's partner....'coz on my 1st month here in UK(sept'09)the biggest problem of my partner, is me, not talking always, especially when we are with her mum, he said i'm different when we are talking in the computer, when i am still in the Philippines...He said i'm very talkative but now i'm not....
at 1st ofcourse it's normal not to be more talkative ...'coz i am affraid to start a conversation(topic), 'coz we don't know if it's ok with them or not, so i am only observing....anyway now, i started to be talkative again....the problem is.....the issues to be talk.....hahahaha......'coz i'm a kind of a person that lazy to talk...hahaha...even on my own dialect, how much more in english...hahahaha.....

If you wish to observe life and humanity, what better man than Dave Allen, I always thought his intelligent observations on us are great. Makes you laugh too. I would recommend watching some of those clips about our culture and the way we live. See what you think. I hope you enjoy

Dave Allen on supermarkets

[GaryFifer]

my wife is from a family who show great respect towards family members. Could it be RESPECT? Not wanting say or do wrong thing?

Respect in our mad world? It's every man for himself in that rat race. Especially in the city! I was brought up in the 1980s so Thatcher said the thing called no such thing as society

The older generation here will recall the respect, but nowadays I would say that is out the window. Look at our heroes, it was Vera Lynnn before. now it's Jade Goody and Jordan. Is it me or is TV just crap.