Alans accident.

[Alan]

Hi folks - enfin, c'est moi!

It was just a normal Friday morning really - the birds were singing - the crocuses were croaking!
I stepped onto my threshold, took a deep breath - and collapsed! (It's rather polluted here in Cebu as you know.)
I turned to Hanna and remarked on the 'fog' that had meekly descended into our lives this morning - she just told me to put my fag out!! (I never liked him anyway!!)
Nobbut a twinkling later, I felt that familiar throbbing between my legs - that urgent, attentive feeling that every man can recognise oh so well! Yes, a mosquito had bitten my nuts!

Turning to leave for yet another day's hard labour at Stalagluft 41B, I turned to my wife to say goodbye:-

"You haven't noticed, have you?"
I visually quizzed her outburst.
"Noticed what, my flower of the desert?"
"You haven't noticed anything different about me this morning!"
Hanna is fiercely proud of always looking 'fresh out of the box.' I had to think fast, but, surveying her intensely, (Have you ever surveyed anyone's intensely? Where is it?) I had to inwardly admit a shameful defeat from this dawn interrogation - a guess was in order!!
"You've had your hair cut" I stuttered with a puerility worthy of a naughty schoolboy caught red-handed in the act of trying to sneak a peek into the girls' loos. (Not that I ever.......well, moving on.........
" No Alan - I had my hair done last week!!"
The statement was delivered as sweetly as Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker fairy - but nevertheless, contained a thousand bee stings!!!
I quite cleverly turned to the obvious compliment:-
"Ah, I know, of course. How could I miss it my dear Stig of the Dump? You have lost weight."
The ensuing two seconds of silence lasted a hundred lifetimes......
"I have NOT lost weight - in fact I have GAINED a few pounds!!! You don't pay me any attention any more."
I could feel the tension growing - the awful realisation of a blunder reminiscent of the bloke who put his life savings on Hatton lasting 3 rounds.
I had to think fast - on my feet........so I stood up and had one last 'stab.'
"You've bought a new top my War of the Worlds!!!" I clenched my buttocks so hard in anticipation of an affirmation, that my right leg is now my left!!!
"I've had this top for years."
The repost was signalling an end to world peace of the most minuscule nature! I was as lost as one of Mark Thatcher's navigators. I felt as shattered as a pane of glass at a Filipino Karaoke party. I was now lost - so, after lying, of course, the next best thing is - THE TRUTH!!!
"I'm sorry my Close Encounter of the Third Kind. I have to admit that I cannot notice any difference in your perfection. You look as beautiful to me today as you did that very first time we met on the Internet. Me at home, and you in 'The Bytes' Internet Cafe - Private Rooms Available.
You will have to tell me, my Last of the Mohecans. What is different about you today???
The reply was swift...........

"I'm wearing my gas mask!!"

Needless to say, I beat a hasty retreat (these hasty retreats are not as strong as they used to be!) and roared off into the vibrant reveille of the 30th October - a never to be forgotten morning!!!

Chapter 3

Cruising along the Palm Springsesque highway of Wireless, Mandaue City, I hung a left down towards the SM City Mall of Cebu. Surprisingly, the missing plague from the Bible - i.e. The Dreaded Plague of the Jeepneys - was conspicuous by its absence and so, uniquely, I was able to shift into 3rd and subsequently 4th gear on my way along the (relatively) deserted mass of stones, dirt and macadam that professes the appellation of 'road' here in the Philippines!
Shortly before reaching the 'junction' of Natasha's there nestles a myriad of Sari Sari stores on the right hand side of the road. On the left lies the opposite carriageway - with appropriately placed gaps where one may 'U-Turn' - except for the fact that there are 'No U-Turn' signs forbidding one to take advantage of a such manoeuvre.


Chapter 7 - The Hunt for Red October

The end of the month is 'pay day' at work. I was looking forward to being able to buy some rice again!
The aforementioned u-turn was being employed by 'someone' as I approached.
I remember waking up underneath a taxi!

I am tired and still in pain - I shall continue tomorrow!

God bless you all.

Al.

[aromulus]

Judging from what you eloquently wrote, I can safely say that there ain't much wrong with yah, apart from hurt pride..... A sore , and maybe a few very painful scratches....

Relax, mate.
Concentrate on getting better and pamper Hanna.

[paulgee]

I hope your bruises are not as purple as your prose !

Paul

[Alan]

Chapter 7a - The Son of the Return of the Hunt for Red October

Safeguards are often irksome, but sometimes convenient, and if one needs them at all, one is apt to need them badly.
Henry Adams.

The first thing to slam into Mother Earth was my head - or to be more precise - my crash helmet (what a spookily apt name.)
All that I remember after that was sliding along the road trying desperately to avoid 'rolling.'
There is nothing much exciting to report about the underside of a Toyota Corolla, except that it is dirty and hot!!! That is where I ultimately terminated my unexpected and unwelcome slide along this particular stretch of South Pacific highway.
I remember two things instantly - I could move all my bodily particles, so I didn't think anything was broken. Also, there was a lot of blood - it had to be mine so I started to panic.

Almost immediately life became a lot worse. Strangely enough I remember thinking that I had to go to work!!
My beautiful new bike was lying, not looking so new any more, in the middle of the road. Its headlight had turned to face me and I had the distinct impression of that headlight being a piercing eye exploding at me the words, "What the f... did you do that for?"

Indeed, why had I 'done that?' Then I remembered - the person on the other bike had u-turned without even looking and crossed my carriageway so there was no chance of avoidance. How was he/she? Dead, alive, injured? I couldn't care - I didn't care. I had too many issues.

TBC.

Al.