I'm a newbie, need advice

[iamnoangel]

I 'm a filipina living in the UK since feb 2009. I caught my husband chatting to his ex- gfs. We had an issue about it before we got married and he told me he's going to stop communicating with them but he still did. it may not be a big deal for him but it's a big deal for me.

He told me there's nothing going on but then when I asked him to log in again and show me who were the people on his list he just wouldn't log in. I don't think I can trust my husband anymore. He's done so many things in the past and I have forgiven him and moved on but I just can't put up with the lies anymore.

I wanted to go home, but I have nothing. No savings or anything. I don't think i can live with him anymore. I have a job but it's minimum pay only and everything that I earn goes to our joint account that helps him pay for his debts. HE is in a big credit card debt and I only found out about this after we got married. Now we're struggling financially in paying all this debts. I can put up with all these financial problems, I just can't put up with him lying to me and doing things behind my back. he's now doing evrything to make me stay and not leave him but I have made up my mind. I may not be able to leave him now but I'm leaving him soon.


My question is, if i leave my husband, can i stay here, and continue my job until my spouse visa expires? If only I have savings I wouldn't want to stay longer but I don't really have anything.

Thank you very much in advance for your replies.

[Arthur Little]

I 'm a filipina living in the UK since feb 2009. I caught my husband chatting to his ex- gfs. We had an issue about it before we got married and he told me he's going to stop communicating with them but he still did. it may not be a big deal for him but it's a big deal for me.

He told me there's nothing going on but then when I asked him to log in again and show me who were the people on his list he just wouldn't log in. I don't think I can trust my husband anymore. He's done so many things in the past and I have forgiven him and moved on but I just can't put up with the lies anymore.

I wanted to go home, but I have nothing. No savings or anything. I don't think i can live with him anymore. I have a job but it's minimum pay only and everything that I earn goes to our joint account that helps him pay for his debts. HE is in a big credit card debt and I only found out about this after we got married. Now we're struggling financially in paying all this debts. I can put up with all these financial problems, I just can't put up with him lying to me and doing things behind my back. he's now doing evrything to make me stay and not leave him but I have made up my mind. I may not be able to leave him now but I'm leaving him soon.


My question is, if i leave my husband, can i stay here, and continue my job until my spouse visa expires? If only I have savings I wouldn't want to stay longer but I don't really have anything.

Thank you very much in advance for your replies.

You may be "no angel" ... if your pseudonymn is to be believed. But, from the information you've posted here, 'long suffering' would've been an appropriate choice for your introductory thread. I say this, because it seems to me on reading its content, that YOU have had the sheer misfortune of drawing the short straw in this marriage. And now, you find yourself quite literally, twixt the and the deep blue sea.

In my humble opinion, your husband is behaving abominably by persisting phoning his ex-girlfriends when he's aware of the hurt it's causing you. Moreover this unsatisfactory situation is compounded by his consistent lies about it. You mention too, his habit of running up substantial debt ... which is hardly fair on you, as a hardworking wife, being expected to "bail him out" every time this happens.

Have you ever discussed the possibility of the two of you consulting a Marriage Guidance Counsellor ... either together or independently? I ask this not just because it seems the most obvious question in such circumstances, but also because, whilst I sympathise completely with someone in your predicament, it's highly unlikely you would be allowed to remain in the UK if you were to leave your husband ... on account of the fact that the continuing validity of a Spousal Visa is dependent on the marriage subsisting for a period of two years. I MAY be proved wrong in this assumption ... and, in YOUR case I sincerely hope I am!

In extending the hand of friendship by welcoming you to the forum, I would suggest you also elicit the views of other members before taking any rash decisions. God Bless!

[Doc Alan]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, and surprised that a spouse visa was granted if your husband-to-be was already in debt at the time of application - he must have concealed that information, not only from you but also the authorities.
As a "newbie" here myself I am sure that you will receive valuable advice from other members on this forum. "Formal" counselling may indeed help but will not be free. Can I suggest that, in addition to obtaining written help from members, you really must also talk to trusted friends face-to-face here, or (if you get the chance) to call your friends using the computer.

[pennybarry]

If his ex also helping him paying his debts, it may be another reason why he's still screwing around.

I don't know how many times we will forgive our husband if we caught them with another woman. But in my honest opinion, I trust only once and I am sure my husband is the same.

The only problem with your situation is you have no papers yet to stay here permanenrtly. It is now depend on how you can handle nightmares. I wish you can overcome all of these. You are just staying less than a year, if your husband will still do this, your health and mind will surely be affected.

Try to open a new account asap, and give it to your employer. Tell your husband you need to save, but you will help him only part of your earnings not all of yours. In that way, you can have your own choice and freedom. You can save in a year and go home if you think you cannot take it anymore. Who knows before you ended your spouse visa, he will change for better. But please save for yourself. That is one of the topics during our orientations at CFO if you still remember. We should have our own savings aside from joint. So that in case this happen, we will not suffers more.

Please cheer up!

[September]

If I were you, I will contact my finance dept and ask them i will change my account (bank account #) as that wasnt your account anymore, so on that case you can have your (pinagpawisang pera ika nga)own money from your own sweat, its his debt how he get that debt its his business not yours, even he loan from ur airfare or your visa,its his responsibilities i guess, british guys will agree to me here i guess if they want to marry filipina husband is the one who will giv visa fee airfare most of the times (situtation)

If you have your new account, that is you can save your money for your airfare to go home, second he will do that again and again, sakit niya na yan, as you said you keep forgiving hime, trust me sakit na nia yan,

I am sure 100% you can stay and keep working till your spouse visa expires, and when the visa expires just go back home, as I said I will do that if I am in your position, so still your choice especially when u ask him to log on again if he didnt hide anything he will let you read it, just to make you have peace on your mind,

Iisa lang ang buhay, pasarapin na natin wag na natin miserablehin just because of other people

[keithAngel]

There are a lot of unknowns here that make it difficult to give good advice

If you have already decided your marriage is over after 9 months here then this is primarily about your visa status

It does occur to me though that cultural misunderstandings may also be at work here, as its not so uncommon to talk to old friends romantic or otherwise here in the UK any more than its uncommon among Filipinos to be insecure and jealous perhaps he cant get his head round it

Is his credit debt connected to your marriage not unheard of here in any case and depending on you both marriage guidance as has been suggested might at least mean lines of communication might be opened up,which might bring about unforeseen benefits to you both

[September]

And that was nice advice as well pennybarry

[aphrodite78]

hi,

it must be hard for you to go thru this situation.

if you decided to leave your husband sooner or later you can still stay in the uk until your spouse visa runs out. whatever you decide make sure you are not on a loosing end (i.e. you have something saved up for a new start, i agree with the forum members who commented that you open a new account ASAP). at the end of the day it's your life, your choice, just make sure you choose wisely and that you could live with the decision you are about to make. good luck.

[whiteraven]

hi,

it must be hard for you to go thru this situation.

if you decided to leave your husband sooner or later you can still stay in the uk until your spouse visa runs out. whatever you decide make sure you are not on a loosing end (i.e. you have something saved up for a new start, i agree with the forum members who commented that you open a new account ASAP). at the end of the day it's your life, your choice, just make sure you choose wisely and that you could live with the decision you are about to make. good luck.

i had a similar situation with two previous partners, secret messaging over the internet. it turned out my suspicions were correct and i soon ended both. try and talk things out to get to the truth, but first and foremost get some savings behind you in case you need to bail out.

[joebloggs]

you can carry on working until your visa expires or until the HO curtail your visa.

[iamnoangel]

Thank you all very much for the replies. Perhaps I should try and forgive him again and see if he'll change. I will be wise now and keep some money for myself coz right now I don't even have a single penny in my wallet. Our joint account is always in overdraft and we're literally living on overdraft. I haven't had any financial trouble before I got married, I had a very nice career in the Philippines but now I'm putting up with all these bull****.

[Arthur Little]

Thank you all very much for the replies. Perhaps I should try and forgive him again and see if he'll change. I will be wise now and keep some money for myself coz right now I don't even have a single penny in my wallet. Our joint account is always in overdraft and we're literally living on overdraft. I haven't had any financial trouble before I got married, I had a very nice career in the Philippines but now I'm putting up with all these bull****.

Attagirl ... that's the spirit! Tell your husband "enough is enough!" ... and that, unless he PROVES he can mend his ways, you WILL carry out your threat to LEAVE him. At the same time, make it crystal clear you intend to open a bank account for yourself. Good Luck ... and remember we're here to provide a "listening ear" and offer our support.

[Fitzy]

Attagirl ... that's the spirit! Tell your husband "enough is enough!" ... and that, unless he PROVES he can mend his ways, you WILL carry out your threat to LEAVE him. At the same time, make it crystal clear you intend to open a bank account for yourself. Good Luck ... and remember we're here to provide a "listening ear" and offer our support.

Listen to Arthur.

Always very helpful and kind, as he has been to me.
Am flying out tomorrow mate.

[Sophie]

Perhaps I should try and forgive him again and see if he'll change. I will be wise now and keep some money for myself coz right now I don't even have a single penny in my wallet. Our joint account is always in overdraft and we're literally living on overdraft. I haven't had any financial trouble before I got married, I had a very nice career in the Philippines but now I'm putting up with all these bull****.

Hello iamnoangel, welcome to the forum and hope you sort things out with your hubby....
As for being wiser and keeping money for yourself (coming from your own income), i'm definitely with you on this one

[pennybarry]

Thank you all very much for the replies. Perhaps I should try and forgive him again and see if he'll change. I will be wise now and keep some money for myself coz right now I don't even have a single penny in my wallet. Our joint account is always in overdraft and we're literally living on overdraft. I haven't had any financial trouble before I got married, I had a very nice career in the Philippines but now I'm putting up with all these bull****.

That's my girl! No harm in giving him another chance as long as you can look after your health, feeling and mind. It is always depend on us if we can still carry the pain and heartache. Kaya pa ba?

They said a man always deserve a second chance Do they?

[adam&chryss]

As you said, HE has debts. Is it possible that any of HIS debts are from flying to see you? or paying for your visa and flight here? Or sending any of your family money?
You said you had a nice career in the Philippines so did it pay for most of the afore mentioned things?
If not then it might be suggested that HIS debts are both of your debts.
I take it you got married in Phil as your here on a spouse visa so I would assume that he payed for most if not all of that?
Maybe just maybe he didnt want to dissapoint you and instead chose to have a nice wedding to remember and get you here and then address the financial problems together.
As for the chatting with ex`s well I guess that if he told you that you shouldnt then he should respect you and do the same.

[English Rose]

There are a lot of unknowns here that make it difficult to give good advice

If you have already decided your marriage is over after 9 months here then this is primarily about your visa status

It does occur to me though that cultural misunderstandings may also be at work here, as its not so uncommon to talk to old friends romantic or otherwise here in the UK any more than its uncommon among Filipinos to be insecure and jealous perhaps he cant get his head round it

I agree. If all the husband is doing is chatting online to ex girlfriends, that wouldn't be seen as a reason to leave the marriage over here, although I realise that it's upsetting that he won't stop when he knows you don't like it. If you can try not to show you're upset and even pretend you don't mind, he might even stop doing it or let you look at the messages.
Try to talk to your husband along the lines of "I'm finding this difficult, but I am trying to understand your culture" rather than accusing him of lying.
We behave in very different ways here from what you're used to. I have male friends who come and stay with me in my house for several days at a time, but there is nothing sexual between us. I wouldn't want to be told not have them here anymore, as I'm doing nothing wrong.
Don't read too much into your husband keeping his debt secret. He probably didn't want to worry you, or was concerned the authorities would find out.
Try to find some other Filipino wives to talk to and ask them to explain the English male to you. Oh, and if you find out, let me know! We English ladies are still trying to work him out.

[whiteraven]

I agree. If all the husband is doing is chatting online to ex girlfriends, that wouldn't be seen as a reason to leave the marriage over here, although I realise that it's upsetting that he won't stop when he knows you don't like it. If you can try not to show you're upset and even pretend you don't mind, he might even stop doing it or let you look at the messages.
Try to talk to your husband along the lines of "I'm finding this difficult, but I am trying to understand your culture" rather than accusing him of lying.
We behave in very different ways here from what you're used to. I have male friends who come and stay with me in my house for several days at a time, but there is nothing sexual between us. I wouldn't want to be told not have them here anymore, as I'm doing nothing wrong.
Don't read too much into your husband keeping his debt secret. He probably didn't want to worry you, or was concerned the authorities would find out.
Try to find some other Filipino wives to talk to and ask them to explain the English male to you. Oh, and if you find out, let me know! We English ladies are still trying to work him out.

i worked out the english woman,thats why i married a filipina

[jaishann]

Thank you all very much for the replies. Perhaps I should try and forgive him again and see if he'll change. I will be wise now and keep some money for myself coz right now I don't even have a single penny in my wallet. Our joint account is always in overdraft and we're literally living on overdraft. I haven't had any financial trouble before I got married, I had a very nice career in the Philippines but now I'm putting up with all these bull****.

9 mos is early to say I give up. Marriage is commitment and compromise. Soon as you made the vow what is his is yours and vice versa. Trust is essential. It is not only him to support you but also you to support him (all aspect, financial, moral, emotional,physical,spiritual etc)

You need to talk to your husband and tell him how it affects you because maybe he is not aware that he is making you unhappy, if he dont listen then it is entirely up to you to make yourself happy ..one is stop snooping or checking up on him because it will just make you feel bad, divert your stress to something constructive go to the gymm, do some shopping (when you finally got your own money) completely ignore what his doing and try to keep busy.

hope all goes well. Take care.

[Usha]

Hi I am just so new to this forum I only found out about this when my friend suggested it...If only I have known of this forum I wouldn't waste my time quequeing for too long hours at the CAB office!...I have so many questions to ask if anybody could help me with their advices it would really help me so much.
I was born in the Philippines and gradually came to live in England when I was younger,I am already a British citizen.I married in the Philippines but my husband and I have been apart for almost 8 years despite our situation we have a good relationship.I only see him whenever I go on holidays with our children.Recently he applied for an international student and succeeded.He is now in the U.K...The question is, I would like to help him and sort out the papers for him to stay here in U.K..How can I go about it?Where do I start?Do I need a solicitor?Please help me...I would be very thankful for any advices given...Thank you.

[darren-b]

Hi I am just so new to this forum I only found out about this when my friend suggested it...If only I have known of this forum I wouldn't waste my time quequeing for too long hours at the CAB office!...I have so many questions to ask if anybody could help me with their advices it would really help me so much.
I was born in the Philippines and gradually came to live in England when I was younger,I am already a British citizen.I married in the Philippines but my husband and I have been apart for almost 8 years despite our situation we have a good relationship.I only see him whenever I go on holidays with our children.Recently he applied for an international student and succeeded.He is now in the U.K...The question is, I would like to help him and sort out the papers for him to stay here in U.K..How can I go about it?Where do I start?Do I need a solicitor?Please help me...I would be very thankful for any advices given...Thank you.

Assuming you have no plans to live together as a couple then he cannot obtain a visa on the basis of his marriage to you.

What he possibly could do though is obtain a visa on the basis of his access to your children. These are the rules for obtaining a visa and I think you'd need to use a solicitor to arrange the document confirming his access to the children.

http://www.ukvisas.gov.uk/en/ecg/vis...ntaccessrights

This isn't something I've ever really looked into so can't say if he could switch in the UK, or would have to return to the Philippines to apply.

One issue though is he would have to show he could afford to live without public funds, though I believe he would be allowed to work full-time once he was granted this visa.