Marriage / Doubts

[landa]

Hey everybody..

I'll try to keep my story short.. but it's not so easy.

I have a filipina Girlfriend. She's 23 years old, i'm 34. I'm from Switzerland.
She was here for 1 year for work. I just met her and fell in love with her the last 3 months she was here. She's back in the Philipines now, we are still in contact by phone and by videochat. I totally miss her. We have plans to get married next year.

I think she's a great girl, could be the woman of my dreams.. BUT there are these doubts if she really is honest with me. I hope some of you with experience can possibly give me some advice

First of all, i have to say, when we are together everything is really just great. I had the most romantic times ever in my life with her, and i mostly feel so happy with her.

Yet we already had 2 critical moments where i almost broke up with her. And there are other little things that just keep bothering me.

My 1st Doubt: We met on an online dating-website. After we were already together about 1 months she STILL was registered on the site, and even uploaded new photos.. i was disappointed and asked her why she still is active on that site.. she answered something like "just like that, no big deal", she then showed me that she was in contact with a man (an older guy) who wrote her about 20 messages, she replied only to some of them... she even showed me the messages because i was a bit upset and it's true, she didnt really seem to be caring, yet though i was a bit hurt to see that she didnt ignore it at all.. and even wrote in an e-mail that "it's unfortunate that i know you so late (before she gets back to the phils)." She then immediately deleted the account for me.. which was ok, i felt a bit better about it.

My 2nd Doubt:
When i was with her- that was when we were about 1,5 months together - she recieved an SMS from a guy it just said "hello, how are you?". Because i already was a bit doubting i was of course a bit hurt and upset.. and asked who that is.. she answered me: "some philipino guy she knows from earlier".. Then i overreacted a bit and checked out her phone.. she said it's ok..yet she was quite emotional and thought i will leave her.. then i saw several Messages from guys.. nothing really indicating something "bad", and most of it was before i met her.. yet though later i confronted her again about that guy.. and she "confessed" it's not a filippino.. so she lied to me in the first reaction.. she still though just doesnt want to tell me about who he is and what relation they had.. i'm disappointed because i want to know everything about her, so i really can trust her... but she just says it's nothing, and that she never contacts "them" anymore.

3rd Doubt:
she has 2 differrent facebook accounts.. on one which she has a sort of catchphrase "hello guys, i'm fun to talk".. and on this facebook she doesnt mention me at all.. on the other facebook she posted plenty of pictures of me, is friends with her family members and so on... She says it's because she didnt want her filippina working mates here in switzerland know that she dates a swiss..

Other Doubts: Sometimes she talks about saving money and buying land or a house in her hometown when she will be married with me. She also says to buy a house together.. but yet i wonder if she really means that... And also she has a tendency to let me buy stuff for her, i bought her a lot of clothes and jewelry.. not very expensive stuff, and of course i'm generous because i can afford it, she can't because she earned so little money.. but still i find it a bit noticeable that she's a bit materiallistic.. but probably it's just a girls thing.. She also already invited me for dinner in return and always offered to share (how serious it was, i dont know.. , but i dont blame her for that)

Also i found out that she's on many other dating-sites as well. But that was before my time.. she never went online to them again (she doesnt know that i know about these site..) Yet though i must say, once i asked her if she's on other sites - she lied to me.. and said no.. that was also very disappointing.. i dont understand why she has to lie about those things...

Dont get me wrong she's great, we have so much fun together, it's superromantic, we can talk for hours on the phone/videochat, it's never boring, it's exciting, sexually it's great, she introduced me to her family, has big plans for the weddingceremony, her mom is very happy for her, she introduced me to her family etc. That's why i'm so confused.. i'm just so afraid that she's not serious with me and only want to use me.. yet though there is much love involved and a shared dream of a life together...

What would you say - should i be more critical with her? Am i possibly too blind and too "humble", and should already have left with all those things happened?

Or should i just simply trust her, forget my doubts, go with my feelings?

It's so hard.. i'm about to marry her.. yet i still have these doubts.. But they are only doubts, have no proof that she's just using me, or that she has other boyfriend or something.

Once i recently talked about her about the marriage and that i worry to get used by her.. it was bad.. she really cried and said she really loves me and wants to be with me.. she even said "she knows i will break her heart" and wanted to break up with me.. i was sad to, i started to cry too and was desperate to lose her.. we cried together and said we want to start a new life together.. it was so hearbreaking... maybe i'm really wrong with these doubts... maybe i'm the "bad" guy..


(Sorry about the long thread.. but it's a bit complicated...)

[Florge]

well, for starters... if those were texts/emails before you.. then, why bother? she may just be (at that time) still uncertain with you and was keeping her options open... but that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you now... what's important is: did she still date after youve met and agreed to have a relationship? in your email above, it seems that she was faithful to you.

i am still in some dating sites til now but never bothered to visit... and never bothered to delete my profile as well.. why? coz i forgot my username and password! lol.. anyway, i just don't bother... and for me, neither does she.

give her some slack.. relax... think happy thoughts and enjoy planning your wedding... you may be ruining something wonderful...

good luck!

[triple5]

Hi Landa welcome to the site. A lot of what you've said sounds similar to a situation I was in, multiple dating sites etc. same thing when I busted her she deleted the account. Also saving and buying land for our future together More like a case of she picks the land I buy it and build the house I reckon. In fact, i'm wondering if it's the same girl they're the same age.

Anyway, I had all those doubts, but when we were together things seemed wonderful, so I chose to ignore them. In the end it turned out I was just one of many bfs. I hope your situation is different, and like Forge says theres every chance she was just keeping her options open until she knew you were 100% committed.

But you know the saying? If in doubt don't.

[Tawi2]

Collect and select Landa,you were collected hopefully now your selected,dont worry too much about it,as I always say dont sweat the petty things(but always pet the sweaty things).Hopefully things will work out,they normally do

[Arthur Little]

Ahh ... Dating Sites ... been there ... done that ... &c. I've been married to a wonderful Filipina for almost a year now. And yet, much to my consternation ... and acute embarrassment ... I fairly recently discovered my name and password were apparently still being retained on the records of a couple of sites I'd last frequented "many moons ago" ... despite the fact that I had long since cancelled my membership [or so *I thought!]. According to THEM, however, *I hadn't been explicit enough in my instructions to remove my entire PROFILE at the time. But there again, this could simply be an excuse on their part to cover up a ploy aimed at luring former users back. Who knows?

So, in the light of what I've just explained (to the best of my ability!) above, I would be inclined to give your lass the benefit of the doubt. Welcome to the friendly forum, Landa. I hope everything works out for the two of you.

[pacificelectric]

You can't really blame people in the Philippines for being materialistic... for the rest, being paranoid I would still advise you to be careful. If she thinks of a common future there is no place for former suitors or admirers.

[bob2009]

1/ Doubts about materialism - I thought that was all women and not just filipina, so to me it's no big deal.

2/ Texts from other lovers - I d consider them 'sleepers' to be reactivated in the event of your relationship going down the pan. Like an insurance policy. Don't like it ? Delete all the numbers from the phone and text them back a bunch of requests for money for support for the baby and see the texts miracously stop but if they don't you are alerted to a non sleeper relationship, to take action against.

3/ She wants you to buy land and then a build a house on it. - Show me a filipina who doesn't ?

4/ Maintaining many online personas - install keylogging software - you ll either discover that they are harmless 'sleepers' or that some are 'daywalkers', i.e. active relationships that are subsisting. Either it ll be good or terrible. But what will be good is you found out earlier rather than later.

For the record, I think from what you say, that you are correct to have your doubts. Your doubts are a subconscious alert to you to avoid danger I think.

[triple5]

3/ She wants you to buy land and then a build a house on it. - Show me a filipina who doesn't ?

Yep, quite common. By saying she wants to work and save to buy land, I'd guess she's hoping you will offer to buy the land, build a house and... live happily ever after. Doesn't mean it's a scam, just long term security close to her family (who may expect to move in at some point)

[landa]

Thank you all for your help.

It's really hard.. i dont want to be a "control-freak" with her.. but i just can't turn off these doubts in the back of my head.

I already thought about talking with one of her previous (intense) contacts, which she doesnt want to tell me about... but i think i would go too far. I also dont know how much contacts she has on her Yahoo Messenger, but i think it must be quite some.. and my worrie is that she still stays in contact with them.. even if it's not like online boyfriend, but just doesnt tell them that she has a boyfriend now and plans to marry..

Maybe she's just not so sure about me after all, maybe we are both too sceptical about eachother.. i just dont know..

I'm also not sure if it's a good idea to talk about that with her... what you think?

Sometimes i also think she's just still young, she's still flirty and likes to be admired.. maybe i'm just overly jelous..

[landa]

In the end it turned out I was just one of many bfs.

How did you find that out, if i may ask?

[aposhark]

Hello landa,

I think it is up to both people in a relationship to do their best to make everything better towards each other as time goes on.

If she feels there is a future with you she will dedicate herself to you and vice-versa.

Your doubts about her will make her feel uneasy as women IMHO are very intuitive.

I believe we must go full steam ahead when we fall in love and "damn the torpedoes".

If it is not love, then we should enjoy being single.

I hope things work out for you.

[Sophie]

First of all, i have to say, when we are together everything is really just great. I had the most romantic times ever in my life with her, and i mostly feel so happy with her.

Good for you and definitely a good sign

My 1st Doubt: After we were already together about 1 months she STILL was registered on the site, and even uploaded new photos.. i was disappointed and asked her why she still is active on that site.. she answered something like "just like that, no big deal",

as what others said, maybe she's keeping her options open or still unsure about you at that time,
but if you already agreed to be officially together at that time and she still uploaded new photos on that dating site, its not a very nice thing to do....
but then again, its all in the past, so i guess you have to forget about it and move on.....

she even showed me the messages because i was a bit upset and it's true, she didnt really seem to be caring, yet though i was a bit hurt to see that she didnt ignore it at all.. and even wrote in an e-mail that "it's unfortunate that i know you so late (before she gets back to the phils)." She then immediately deleted the account for me.. which was ok, i felt a bit better about it.

It was good that she deleted her account already for you....
i just hope she's not haunted by the thought of that guy who came a little bit too late because she's already with you....
the last thing you want is for her to think of some guy as "the one who got away"......

3rd Doubt:
she has 2 differrent facebook accounts.. on one which she has a sort of catchphrase "hello guys, i'm fun to talk".. and on this facebook she doesnt mention me at all.. on the other facebook she posted plenty of pictures of me, is friends with her family members and so on... She says it's because she didnt want her filippina working mates here in switzerland know that she dates a swiss..

I don't buy her excuse for maintaining 2 facebook accounts, not to mention her catchphrase on her other account which is quite inviting.....
I'ts ok if she already cancelled that account and is just maintaining the legitimate one, which includes you and your pictures together....
If she hasn't, then its something you have to look into....

Also i found out that she's on many other dating-sites as well. But that was before my time.. she never went online to them again (she doesnt know that i know about these site..) Yet though i must say, once i asked her if she's on other sites - she lied to me.. and said no.. that was also very disappointing.. i dont understand why she has to lie about those things...

As you just said, this happened before your time and in the past and you should be over it,
but if the "lying" and dishonesty is still haunting you, then talk to her about it and be upfront about how you feel with the "lying" issue....
trust is very important in a relationship, without it, the relationship is bound to crumble and fall apart even with a single blow...

Dont get me wrong she's great, we have so much fun together, it's superromantic, we can talk for hours on the phone/videochat, it's never boring, it's exciting, sexually it's great, she introduced me to her family, has big plans for the weddingceremony, her mom is very happy for her, she introduced me to her family etc. That's why i'm so confused.. i'm just so afraid that she's not serious with me and only want to use me.. yet though there is much love involved and a shared dream of a life together...

Apart from some issues, you obviously had a great relationship....i guess its best to sort out those issues you raised with her and work it out....

Or should i just simply trust her, forget my doubts, go with my feelings?

On one part, i would say trust her completely, on the other, she also has to earn your trust....

It's so hard.. i'm about to marry her.. yet i still have these doubts.. But they are only doubts, have no proof that she's just using me, or that she has other boyfriend or something.

you have to deal with your doubts and sort it out before jumping into marriage.....
you have to make sure you trust her completely and secured in your relationship before you say "I do"...

Once i recently talked about her about the marriage and that i worry to get used by her.. it was bad.. she really cried and said she really loves me and wants to be with me.. she even said "she knows i will break her heart" and wanted to break up with me.. i was sad to, i started to cry too and was desperate to lose her.. we cried together and said we want to start a new life together.. it was so hearbreaking... maybe i'm really wrong with these doubts... maybe i'm the "bad" guy..

you're not the "bad guy", you are just being wary and reacting over issues, any normal person would.....
As i've said, deal with your doubts and issues and talk to her about it....you both need to work it out for the sake of your relationship,
after all, you both seem to love each other so much, so i suppose you'll be ok
and i have no doubt, you'll both be able to sort out all the issues that's bothering you....

[pennybarry]

Give her time and space if you think she's not yet satisfied having a good man like you. Give her tricks.! Don't spend too much with her and don't send money. Let's see her reactions.

[triple5]

I already thought about talking with one of her previous (intense) contacts

That's how I find out. I felt kind of creepy doing it but I'd always had niggling doubts, so that was the only way to put my mind at ease.

[keithAngel]

In my view and from experience its the ability to lie without any concience thats worrying in this case.

One thing you could do is set up an online id and contact her via one of her profiles and see what the response is the fact that your worried enough to post is an indication that your intuition is sounding alarm bells

[Arthur Little]

*Give her ... space

Interesting you should say *that, Penny! I once had a relationship in which the *other party made it clear from the outset that she liked her 'own space'. But, with me being not all that long widowed [*she was in the process of instigating divorce!] at the time - after 24 years of happy marriage - I suppose I WAS bit lonely (and hence, perhaps a wee bit like 'cling film', if you know what I mean) and felt hurt at this stipulation. If nothing else, I've always been a sensitive kinda guy.

Eventually, though, I took her at her word and began distancing myself from our liaison. And, would you believe? ... she soon started complaining that we weren't seeing enough of one another.

"Well", I replied, "YOU told me you wanted more space!". "Yes," she retorted, "But there's 'space' ... and there's 'OUTER Space' ...!"

[English Rose]

My Filipino friend likes to please and finds it difficult to tell me anything he thinks I won't want to hear. If it's important, I check it out by asking him, "Is that true? I really would like to know the truth, even if it upsets me." Then he's able to be honest with me.

When I first asked whether he would like tea or coffee, he said he'd have what I was having, which was tea. It was many weeks later I discovered he actually preferred coffee! After that, if I asked him if he wanted something and he said yes, I'd ask, "Is that Yes as in Yes or Yes as in No?" Quite often it was Yes as in No!

[pennybarry]

Interesting you should say *that, Penny! I once had a relationship in which the *other party made it clear from the outset that she liked her 'own space'. But, with me being not all that long widowed [*she was in the process of instigating divorce!] at the time - after 24 years of happy marriage - I suppose I WAS bit lonely (and hence, perhaps a wee bit like 'cling film', if you know what I mean) and felt hurt at this stipulation. If nothing else, I've always been a sensitive kinda guy.

Eventually, though, I took her at her word and began distancing myself from our liaison. And, would you believe? ... she soon started complaining that we weren't seeing enough of one another.

"Well", I replied, "YOU told me you wanted more space!". "Yes," she retorted, "But there's 'space' ... and there's 'OUTER Space' ...!"

Wow! 24 years of happy marriage.
Arth, women always complaining. You give everything and sometimes not happy still. My Nanay said, there is only one GLORY in marriage. If you are unhappy with your first wife, surely you'll find glory with your second or 3rd wife. If you are happy with your first wife and she died, it will be hard for you to find glory if you marry again. But men are always lucky as they always found glory than women.

[Arthur Little]

Wow! 24 years of happy marriage.
Arth, women always complaining. You give everything and sometimes not happy still. My Nanay said, there is only one GLORY in marriage. If you are unhappy with your first wife, surely you'll find glory with your second or 3rd wife. If you are happy with your first wife and she died, it will be hard for you to find glory if you marry again. But men are always lucky as they always found glory than women.

Yeah ... you're right, Penny. And I admit to having had my share of heartache with some of the women I met [and had relationships with] in between my two marriages. But I guess I have been/am again, very, very lucky with EACH of the 'real ladies' (in the truest sense) I chose as my wives.

[South-east boy]

With the sms message that she received, it could just be someone that is in her phonebook, but that she hasn't heard from for ages. I'm sure some of us haven't updated our phonebooks and have old numbers that we haven't used for ages, maybe even from old flames etc. Like English Rose said, it could just be that she doesn't want to hurt you with the truth and is maybe saying what she thinks you want to hear such as what we call a white lie. You should say that from now on you want your relationship to be 100% honest with each other and no hiding anything. My friends ex lied very easily when he was seeing her and agreed that she wouldn't see her ex, then my friend asked me to drive past her place he ex's car was there and still again later. Then when he spoke to her, she lied about the ex being there! Not good!

A lot of people have been on more than one dating site and while some, your account can be deleted easily, some you can't seem to delete it. Of course they prefer that way as dating sites prefer to have as many people on the site as possible, even if they aren't currently active. So forget about that she's been on a few sites in the past.

With the extra Facebook account, has she been updating it? It she hasn't, then it could just be old and she doesn't use it anymore. Does she mean she created when she was over in Switzerland? Why couldn't she say that she was dating you to her friends? Would her Filipino friends only date fellow Filipino people? Of course she is now back home, so she shouldn't really need to use it, but if she still uses it and it still has that same message, then that doesn't really sound too good, as even if she doesn't mention you, it should have the message about chatting to guys etc.

With the you buying her things, I wouldn't worry too much about that, as as you say she doesn't earn or have much abd as you know the majority of women love clothes, shoes, jewellery and make-up. Though I guess it would bd nice if she sometimes said something like, oh, I have enough, save your money, get something for yourself instead or maybe the next time you get me something instead

If she likes flirting with guys, loves male attention and likes to attract it, then be very careful. I've had this before and it drives you crazy! I'm sure they wouldn't like it if you were the same with women?! To me it gives a signal that they are not happy to commit to you and are still keeping their options open.

So really there are some things that you shouldn't really worry about, but there are a few things that you should maybe question her on and/or keep your eye out about.

[pennybarry]

Yeah ... you're right, Penny. And I admit to having had my share of heartache with some of the women I met [and had relationships with] in between my two marriages. But I guess I have been/am again, very, very lucky with EACH of the 'real ladies' (in the truest sense) I chose as my wives.

What a lucky guy you are.

You have all three wives. I am sure your filipina wife will be the last woman in your life. I would love to be the last woman of my husband or else I will kill him eheheheh. He always hear that dialogue and he laughs.

[Arthur Little]

What a lucky guy you are. You *have all three wives.

... Not *THAT lucky Penny ... only TWO!! :lol2: Iris was the name of my LATE wife ... she was Scottish, like me. Then I had many [casual] relationships, before meeting and marrying Myrna!

[Arthur Little]

I am sure your filipina wife will be the last woman in your life.

... I certainly HOPE so!

[Arthur Little]

I would love to be the last woman of my husband or else I will *kill him eheheheh. He always hear that dialogue and he laughs.

I'm sure you WILL be, Pen ... wouldn't want you to resort to such *drastic measures otherwise!

[landa]

Thank you all for your opinions and advices. It was really helpful.

I got an update of the situation..
i know it's not really correct to do and overly careful.. due to my work i was able to do some research of 2 previous contacts of my girlfriend..

Fact is that for about maybe 4 months she had intense contact with a filippino guy.. who called her several times a week, sometimes talking up to an hour together. To be noted: It was BEFORE my time.. the last "interactions" between them where about 2-3 weeks before i've met her.

Second fact is that an other guy was also in contact with her. No long phone calls but a large amount of SMS during a period of probably 6 months.

Now i dont know what the sms where about or what the phone calls were about.. but it's pretty obvious to me that there must've been at least friendship between them. I even think that both were at some point her boyfriend.. (maybe even at the same time??).

As i wrote before i once asked if they were boyfriends.. she denied, she said from the one who wrote sms, that he's a friend. From the filippino she wouldnt say anything.. She sais in both cases it's "nothing".. but it's hard to believe due to the intense contact. I already tried to really convince her to tell me what was with those two but she really totally refuses to.. even get's a bit angry.

I'm not sure how to handle that.. its true, that it was BEFORE my time, on the other hand, they could still be in contact through internet, who knows..

Should i really talk about it with her again and really pressure her that she tells me the whole story about those two? O

Or should i just say, it doesnt matter anymore because it was before my time?

Or should i even take contact with those two guys to know more about it, since i got their phone numbers?

When i videochat or talk with my gf on the phone it still is great, i mean i really love and miss her. Yet though when i think about those two guys i just get a sad/bad-feeling, because she didnt tell me about them, and still doesnt want to tell me.. One theory is that because when i met her she told me she didnt have a boyfriend in switzerland yet, and if she would "confess" now that she had boyfriends that i would think too bad about her and be upset.. but with my knowledge that i have i already know that it might have been her boyfriends.. and that's what bothers me.. just to not know about it, and not understanding why she cant be honest with me and tell me about them... how can i trust her 100% like that? Or am i too overly critical?

[whiteraven]

this does seem to be eating you up pretty badly, but as you say there doesnt seem to be any proof that there is still something going on as this time so i would simply give her the benefit of the doubt at the moment unless something else crops up. it could be a case of this was before your time so it is none of your business. but if this was my wife she would certainly tell me and wouldnt keep in contact any longer with any exes.

[joebloggs]

this does seem to be eating you up pretty badly, but as you say there doesnt seem to be any proof that there is still something going on as this time so i would simply give her the benefit of the doubt at the moment unless something else crops up

yes paranoia can come with a LDR
time and distance can make you a bit

as whiteraven said give her the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes don't ruin your relationship unless you've got strong evidence of wrong doing

[bornatbirth]

I had many [casual] relationships

i never thought of you like that

[jaishann]

Thank you all for your opinions and advices. It was really helpful.

I got an update of the situation..
i know it's not really correct to do and overly careful.. due to my work i was able to do some research of 2 previous contacts of my girlfriend..

Fact is that for about maybe 4 months she had intense contact with a filippino guy.. who called her several times a week, sometimes talking up to an hour together. To be noted: It was BEFORE my time.. the last "interactions" between them where about 2-3 weeks before i've met her.

Second fact is that an other guy was also in contact with her. No long phone calls but a large amount of SMS during a period of probably 6 months.

Now i dont know what the sms where about or what the phone calls were about.. but it's pretty obvious to me that there must've been at least friendship between them. I even think that both were at some point her boyfriend.. (maybe even at the same time??).

As i wrote before i once asked if they were boyfriends.. she denied, she said from the one who wrote sms, that he's a friend. From the filippino she wouldnt say anything.. She sais in both cases it's "nothing".. but it's hard to believe due to the intense contact. I already tried to really convince her to tell me what was with those two but she really totally refuses to.. even get's a bit angry.

I'm not sure how to handle that.. its true, that it was BEFORE my time, on the other hand, they could still be in contact through internet, who knows..

Should i really talk about it with her again and really pressure her that she tells me the whole story about those two? O

Or should i just say, it doesnt matter anymore because it was before my time?

Or should i even take contact with those two guys to know more about it, since i got their phone numbers?

When i videochat or talk with my gf on the phone it still is great, i mean i really love and miss her. Yet though when i think about those two guys i just get a sad/bad-feeling, because she didnt tell me about them, and still doesnt want to tell me.. One theory is that because when i met her she told me she didnt have a boyfriend in switzerland yet, and if she would "confess" now that she had boyfriends that i would think too bad about her and be upset.. but with my knowledge that i have i already know that it might have been her boyfriends.. and that's what bothers me.. just to not know about it, and not understanding why she cant be honest with me and tell me about them... how can i trust her 100% like that? Or am i too overly critical?

Hello there, I could understand how you feel it is really hard when you cant give a 100% trust to a person you care or love and i think the best way is to deal with it (if in doubt ..ask) ...

[triple5]

If you have proof that she was in contact with those guys before you two were together do you also have proof she's had no contact with them during that time? It does seem like your perhaps being overly paranoid, and its only natural with a lot of ladies to be secretive about past relationships. If there's no solid evidence she's playing around I think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt and start trusting her.