A Pakastani goes into the chemist to buy aspirin tablets the Pharmicist gives it to him and says thats 80p Mr Singe, he leaves the shop but the pharmicist notices hes given him arsenic instead of aspirin , he runs out and shouts Mr Singe come back I've served you arsenic instead of aspirin, Singe says whats the difference he says,,,
,
,
50p you black cnut..
What do you call a pakistani between two houses
ALI
What's the difference between a Scouse boy and a Scouse girl?
A Scouse girl has a higher sperm count.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail,
altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing..
The pilot speaks over the intercom.
'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks,
but unfortunately we're gonna have to
jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom.
'I hate to have to do this, but now we're
gonna have to start off-loading passengers.
The only fair way to do it is alphabetically,
so we'll start with the letter 'A'.
'Africans, any Africans on board?'
No one answers
'Ok then, 'B'.
Black people, any black people?'
Again, silence.
'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?
Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother.
'But Mom, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'
'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.
Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.'
A woman buys a wall mirror from A Mart, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' She said no 'but I'd suck your **** for a lawn mower'.
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Did you know that married men live longer than bachelors?
They don't actually...it just seems like it.
Went to my girlfriend's funeral yesterday .
It was the first time I'd met her parents .
What a pair of miserable *******s .
Some bloke at the bus stop earlier hit me on the leg
with a stick for no reason .
Naturally I retaliated and beat the living **** out of him .
Just for good measure , I kicked his Labrador as well .
[image]http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-16/4524-cid_000c01cae06d-d891a080-a201a8c0-medion7042bb44.gif[/image]
The Pope has said there is no room for paedophiles in the Catholic Church...
All the vacancies have been filled.
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cyber sex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 12 stone pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from C & A. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
I got mugged last night when four big buggers kicked the ***** out of me. Against the odds I managed to knock one out..... Probably not the best time to masturbate, but it could have been my last.
1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.
Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)
Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?" Attendee: "I am from Wales."
Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."
i was seeing a girl on the side called clare-lee..all was well until my wife lorraine found out and left me.
so now i can see clare-lee now that lorraine as gone!.
Two English tourists in Wales passed through the town of Llandoveryllanymddyfri.
They stop for something to eat and say to the waitress, "before we
order, please will you tell us exactly where we are....VERY SLOWLY."
The waitress said, "BUURRR -- GUURRR --KING".
There was a time when it was the ambition of some young boys to enter the priesthood.
Now it seems it's the other way round.
What's long and hard and makes a woman moan-
An ironing board.
So I put up my England Flag in the garden today .
In readiness for the World Cup.
But I didn't know if that would upset the local Asians .
So I wrote "Allah is a c*nt" on it .
Just to make sure .
Koala1.jpg
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
koala2.jpg
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
koala3.jpg
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
koala4.jpg
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said,
koala5.jpg
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
koala6.jpg
'F*******k, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'
I just had a policeman at the door. He said "It looks like your wife's been in an accident"
I said "Yeah, I know, but she has a lovely personality"
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes but what would I get in return? She said I could play with her breasts....... I thought that's fair..... tit for tat!
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