Just driving my new Toyota Prius.
Chat later,can't stop.
Just driving my new Toyota Prius.
Chat later,can't stop.
Went to the doctors today, he told me i was paranoid,
well he didn't actually say that,
but that's what the ******* was thinking..
After having sex with an Essex girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a broken condom hanging off your knob!
Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started...
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward,
eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is
smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the
happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and
yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his ****!'
Selective hearing
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Toyota have announced that they will be taking part in Formula 1 this year after all.
They reckon they'll be unstoppable.
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway:
Gentlemen,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Patrick Finnegan
I don't understand it. I booked the best table on Valentine's Day for the wife and she turns round and hits me with a snooker cue.
Two Arabs and a British soldier board a plane out of Heathrow, the Arabs are seated by the window and the middle seat and the soldier has the aisle seat.
They all relax and settle down for the flight, the Arabs start reading and the soldier kicks of his shoes and starts to have a snooze.
After an hour the Arab by the window asks if he can get out as he wants a coke, the soldier says as he is by the aisle , he will get it for him.
While he is gone the Arab spits in his shoe, the soldier gives him his coke.
A little while later the other Arab asks for a drink and the soldier once again offers to go and get it for him. The Arab spits in the other shoe.
On his return the soldier gives the Arab his coke.
As the plane was landing the soldier slipped on his shoes and immediately knew what had happened, he turned and said to the Arabs.
"Why does it have to be this way, the fighting between our nations, the animosity, the hatred, the spitting in the shoes and the pissing in the coke?".
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I
can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit
down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and
give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred
and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his
eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with
his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and
squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have
perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Paddy and Mick drove toLondon to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much
he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave..........
·
Dave .............
Dave........
Dave........
..........you're a vet.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
Once again Fred....priceless !some great ones there
Thanks Laurel..I aim to please!!
What does a Glasgow girl use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
What's the most confusing day in Glasgow?
Fathers Day.
What do you call a Glasgow girl in a white track suit?
The bride.
Airport Customs are holding a muslim man who was caught trying to
smuggle a joint of meat hidden in his anus, they suspect he is a
member of Hamass.
did you hear about the boy who opened his Christmas present only to find torn up cardboard ?
He says to his Daddy "whats this" ?
His Daddy says "It's an Ex-Box"
CAN YOU SPARE £2
Rashid lives in a small village miles from any where with his elderly crippled father and mother.
He is also disabled, he has a club foot a deformed hand and is blind in one eye.
Every morning he has to cycle 5 miles to fetch water for the family,on a rusty bike with no seat or brakes and a flat tyre.
Please send £2
And i will send you the video IT's F****ng hilarious.
Two girls are in the gym. "I'm thinking of taking steroids" said one.
"I knew a girl who grew a penis just by taking steroids" said her mate.
"Anabolic"?
"No, just a penis".
Man went to the doctor and said, "Doc every time I masturbate I find myself singing 'Blue is the colour, Chelsea is our name'"
Doctor said, "It's nothing to worry about a lot of w*nkers sing that"
"I received a note on the windscreen of my parked car at the shopping centre yesterday.
It said parking fine.
So that was a nice compliment !"
(T. Cooper)
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied, "I know, I've been ill"
(T. Cooper)
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