The 2010 Joke thread

[fred]

Why the wiring is different





WOMAN'S DIARY

27 June 2010 Sunday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -
I think he's planning to leave me -
maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 27 June

England lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.

[fred]

Friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.



It’s doing well.



He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[Pete/London]

[fred]

Some cricket news just in.
Pakistan have beaten sri lanka by 2 wickets
Next Thursday.

[fred]

When Cameron became PM he said he would flush out the Taliban in Pakistan.

He didn't mess about did he!

[fred]

[fred]

78 Year old woman was stepping out of the bath when she felt a terrible pain in her chest. For a moment she thought that she was having a heart attack until she realised that she was standing on one of her tits.

[fred]

[fred]

Two homosexual muslims have exploded whilst having sex .
Police think that they were suicide bummers.

[fred]

[fred]

The Lone Ranger's
Last Request

<i>
<img width="600" height="715">
</i>
TheLone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party..
<img width="600" height="416">


The Indian Chief proclaims,
<img width="150" height="202">
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...



"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
<img width="418" height="354">
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
<img width="387" height="442">
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
To his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
<img width="215" height="350">
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
Is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
And Silver is brought to
The Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...



"BRING POSSE"

[fred]

George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow in-mates before having to make hot chocolate for them.

He is currently working on a new single about his time inside called '**** me off before your cocoa'

[fred]

As you know, the Muslim faith doesn’t look kindly upon homosexuality, which is why I’m building this bar near ground zero. It is an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world. The goal, however, is not simply to open a typical gay bar, but one friendly to men of Islamic faith. An entire floor, for example, will feature non-alcoholic drinks, since booze is forbidden by the faith. The bar will be open all day and night, to accommodate men who would rather keep their sexuality under wraps – but still want to dance.

Bottom line: I hope that the mosque owners will be as open to the bar, as I am to the new mosque. After all, the belief driving them to open up their center near Ground Zero, is no different than mine. My place, however, will have better music.”

Among the names suggested have been:

Turban Cowboys
Suspicious Packages
Submission
Outfidels
Brokeback Mecca
Très Sheik
Infidelicious
Shake your Shi'a
The Camel's Hump
Allah's Closet
The Pink Crescent
The Queeran
JiHot!
The Sphinx's Sphincter
Ram-a-Dan
Turbinatrix
Lady Agha
Al-Gay-Da
Religion of Piece
Allah Cock Bar
Yassir, That's My Booty
I-Slam
Homohammed's
The Ba'ath House
House of Saudomy
The Circle Turk
You Mecca Me Hot
The Lonesome Camel
We Put the Ass in Madrassa (my favourite)
Sandjobs
Osama's Been Ridden
The Holy City of Me-Cum
Talibuns

[fred]

What has George Micheal & the Chillean miners got in common.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They will both be free in about 8 weeks
after some heavy drilling...

[fred]

George Michael has settled well in prison. He's already written a new song about his new skinhead cellmate.
His new single will be called "Hairless Fister"

[fred]

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night...... she said I'd got the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on

I said 'You're pulling my leg'

[fred]

A paedophile, a homophobe, a hypocrite and a Nazi walk into a bar. The barman says 'Whet can I get you your Holyness'?

[stevewool]

went to skeggie the other day, and saw the camels on the beach next to the donkeys, asking the attendent what the camels have for there dinner, his reply was 1 hour the same as the donkeys

[fred]

And one for your kids:-

What's the difference between people who live in Dubai and people who live in Abu Dhabi?

People who live in Dubai do not watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi doo.

[fred]

A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please"
the barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
the vampire pulls out a tampon and says "im making a brew"

[Lancashirelad]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

[fred]

I fancied a take-away last night, so I phoned King's China Buffet. The guy answered and said "Herro, I'm Wan King the cook" I said "No worries mate, I'll call back later."

[Anakin]

Two whales were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his dad two years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. With a bit of luck it might sink the *******s."
They tried it and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male whale was anxious that they were now going to get away and said, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow seamen."

[LuisaKC]

ohhh you never gonna find it...lols

[LuisaKC]

Why the wiring is different





WOMAN'S DIARY


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MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 27 June

England lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.

haha.. typical!

[Terpe]

I can still enjoy sex at 75

I live at 76, so it's not too far to go

[fred]

AMAZING WORD TRICKS

Did you know that the words "race car" spelt backwards still spells "race car"?



Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?



... and, have you noticed that if you re-arrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Go home you ******* free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other ******* hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-*******, raggedy-ass *******s with you"?



How strange is that???

[fred]

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy today.

He's mainly black and brown with a small white area so I've named him Bradford.

[fred]

WALLET SCAM WARNING!

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops.

They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and abuse you while the other attempts to steal your wallet!

I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!

[fred]