I was lying naked on the bed yesterday when my son walked in.
"Daddy", he said, "what's that huge, fleshy thing between your legs"?
"Oh, that?" I replied... "That, son, is your mother."
A young man gets washed up onto a deserted beach along with a pig and dog having survived a ship wreck.
Several weeks pass and the guy starts to get the urge for sex.
He takes a look at the dog and says "dog l coming for you get ready" but before he could get close the dog shows its fangs and attacks giving the guy a good bruising and a few nips
"bugger that" thought the guy where's that pig.
Finding the pig peacefully unaware eating grass he drops his trousers and makes his move.
But just as he about to enter the pig ,the dog appears and again attacks the guy.
Over the following weeks each attempt to shag the pig is stopped with the appearance of the dog.
Fed up the guy decides to go for a stroll along the beach when suddenly he spots washed up on the beach and covered in seaweed a beautifil blonde girl. Blue eye, long silky legs and breasts to die for he quickly gives her mouth to mouth.
She comes round, coughs ,spits out sea water for her mouth and looks up at her saviour and says " you saved my life how can l ever repay you "
You can do me a great favour
Could you take a dog for a walk.
A young couple got married and ended up at the hotel for their honeymoon.
The hotel manager noticed the the bridegroom was fishing down at the hotel lake.
Walking over to him he asks " Excuse me sir but didnt you get married today"
" Yes l did " says the groom
" Well sir , says the manager, Shouldn't you be up with your bride in the bedroom having mad passionate sex "
"Oh no l couldn't do that" the groom replies
"Why not" quizzes the manager
"Well my wife has terrible VD , so l'm here enjoying my fishing".
"Oh l am sorry to hear that, what about if you allow your wife to give you oral instead " says the manager.
" Can't do that either ,you see she has these mouth ulcers but dont worry if its ok and if you really dont mind l would like stay here and fish".
"Sure" says the manager "you stay here, but hang on l have another answer for you. What about a a hand job that would do".
" Nope you see on the palms of her hands she has these blisters and boy do the bleed, but dont you worry about me l would like to continue to fish if thats still ok".
"Yes" says the manager " But before l go can l ask why with all these problems that your wife has did you marry her"
Easy says the groom, my wife also has worms and l do enjoy my fishing.
tale, from the Yorkshire Mining Village of Rossington.
Now our Rodger 'ad niver 'ad a bird, so 'is mate ****** Thompson said,
" Has tha tried t'internet Rodge ?"
" Wot d'ost tha' mean, ****** ?" replied Rodger.
" Well tha go's on't computer and goggle fer a dating agency."
" I think tha' means google ******, ah've 'erd a that, but ah've no idea what
it is. "
" It's a search engine, but fer finding things, not pulling things."
" But I want to pull a bird, ******." said Rodge, pissing ' iself wi'
laughter.
" Very humus that one Rodge, in other words, *****. I'll tell you what, I'll
go on't internet tonight and see if I can find thee a local tart, that's
desperate. "
" OK " said Rodge. " I'll see you in't **** & Knackers fer a pint tomorrow
and tha can tell us if tha's found 'owt."
The next evening Rodger was standing at the bar of the T & K, having his
usual pint of ' Old Witch's ****' when ****** rushed in, all exited.
" Hey up Rodge, tha's copped lucky. Ah've found a lass who lives at top end
a Tooerth, and ah've printed out her name and address for thee. "
He handed Rodger a beer-mat, with the info written on it -
Anne Stitzar
2 Firkin Close
Tooerth Highs
Rodger decided to waste no time, so he went straight t' bogs to look up her
phone number in't directory.
Luckily the lads 'ad only ripped out up to the L's, as **** wipes, so he
was able to find her number.
To cut a long story short, oh *******s, why should I, Rodge arranged to go
to her house to be vetted by her Mam and Dad 'afore he could take her out
and shag 'er.
Before he went, he decided to 'ave a few more pints and a couple of't
landlady's badger baguettes, so he was a bit druffen and pogged, by 't time
he got there.
He found the house and rang the bell. Nowt happened, so he rang it again
'afore he realised it weren't a bell, but a big lump of bird ****. So he
licked his finger and knocked on the door.
It swung open almost immediately and Rodger stood petrified.
Confronting him was an awesome figure.
About six foot eight tall, shaved head, red beard and tattoos everywhere
that wasn't covered by a Castleford Rugby shirt.
" You must be Rodger," growled Anne's Mam.
" Yes" muttered Rodge, realising escape was now out of the question.
" Come in lad." and with that Rodger followed her into the best room. Well
it was the only room really, as Rodger could smell that they kept animals in
the kitchen.
Mr Stitzar was half the size of his wife and totally ignored Rodger, but he
didn't mind, 'cos over at a big piano sat this absolute cracker of a bird.
Rodger thought that if it were marks out of ten for Anne, he'd give 'er
sixty nine.
" Here lad, 'ave a slice of Hedgehog pasty, it's fresh, got run o'er this
morning, it did. " said Mrs Stitzar, whilst picking 'er nose wi' a cricket
stump.
Well Rodger took one bite and what with the beer and baguette, he could feel
a massive build up of wind rumbling around in 'is guts.
" Christ," thought Rodge, " I'll never hold this one in."
He jumped up shouting, " Right I'll play the piano."
Mr Stitzar sprang to life.
" What's tha goner play lad ?" he asked.
Now Rodge hadn't played the piano since he were chucked out o' Sunday
school,but he thought to himself that if he bashed the keys rather loudly,
he might just get away with breaking wind.
" The Thunder and Lightning Polka, " he said, and started bashing at the
keys.
Almost immediately the first fart arrived. He gently raised up one cheek and
eased it out. Utter bliss.
He then stood up, to go back over to the couch, when he felt another one
coming.
" I'm going to play again," said Rodger.
" What's it to be this time ? " asked Mr Stitzar looking a bit perplexed.
" The Thunder and Lightning Polka." said Rodger, immediately bashing the
keys in gay abandon and farting away merrily.
Now the crashing of the keys may have hidden the noise, but Rodger's
interesting mix of food and drink , was creating a somewhat toxic aroma.
Rodger felt his innards were now subsiding, so he stood up to leave the
piano, but almost instantly he felt rumbling in his nether regions.
" I'm going to play again' " shouted Rodger.
" Bloody 'ell," said Mr Stitzar, " What's it ter be this time ? "
"The Thunder and Lightning Polka," said Rodge.
" Well, before you start, Lad " said Mr Stitzar.
" Yes, sir," said Rodger.
" Can you leave that bit out, where the lightning strikes the ****-house! "
The Irish Piper
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around,
still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
This is Fred's joke thread.
Please only post appreciation comments.
For 2010 I have a motto!
"There is nothing the motto with me, what's the motto with you?"
There are 7 Planes Of Existance:
7 — Material Plane: The earth, where you are right now.
6 — Plane of Forces
5 — Astral Plane
4 — Mental Plane
3 — Too mysterious to describe.
2 — Too mysterious to describe.
1 — Too mysterious to describe.
Nigel... I submitted one of your jokes in 2009 to a well known joke thread on a serious share/ stock trader site..
Simon Caulkwell(infamous bear trader) runs the thread and awards one thousand pound for the best joke at the end of the year..
Can you guess which one it was??
Thank you Nigel !!!!!!..
Keep em coming this year too.
I prefer viewing funny pics than reading english joke...so slow eh
Happy New Year Fred...that's a good laugh
Don't make promises when you are in JOY. Don't reply when you are SAD.
Don't take decisions when you are ANGRY. Think twice, Act wise. BE happy.
According to BBC News, the father of the Nigerian who attempted to blow up the Delta airliner whilst approaching Detroit had emailed US authorities to warn them about his son's extreme anti American views. This man happened to be a very wealthy banker.
You can imagine the email arriving at the US Government's offices:
Good afternoon, I am a wealthy Nigerian banker....
This board is getting far too serious....
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh ****. It's started."
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where the **** do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: Because I fu**ing have 1 at home!!!
A 14 year old boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned.
"Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,
"I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My **** is killing me.
snow.
The only time four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"
Another one for our Leah..
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight
now."
Awesome jokes...
true!
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
Ahhhh...The good ole days!!
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