A Surreal Future Awaits - a bit of stress

[Notavirusalso]

Cool..Have a great time Hope....

[Florge]

April? wow... right in the middle of the scorching summer sun in the Philippines... hehehe... have fun..

My 2 pence worth: do not send money for as long as you can... if she's working, she can feed herself... else, the sending would be an precedent of many more... unless you got loads of cash to spare, then do so. .. and some my way... LOL

[HopeUK]

Hi Peeps,

In spite of my journey across to meet with my girlfriend, she seems to have disappeared from communication. The last call I made was on Saturday - it was cut off and I couldn't get back to her. It's been 72 hours - no effort has been made on her end to get in touch with me.. no facebook.. no email, no messenger.. no text.. Is any of this normal? Can anyone give me one good reason why I shouldn't pull the plug on this whole damn thing?!!

[keithAngel]

Hi Peeps,

In spite of my journey across to meet with my girlfriend, she seems to have disappeared from communication. The last call I made was on Saturday - it was cut off and I couldn't get back to her. It's been 72 hours - no effort has been made on her end to get in touch with me.. no facebook.. no email, no messenger.. no text.. Is any of this normal? Can anyone give me one good reason why I shouldn't pull the plug on this whole damn thing?!!

I dont have all the details but you did actually meet? im in country i will ask the boss to forward my email and hence mobile if you want to talk its not unheard of for the bottle to go

[South-east boy]

I dont have all the details but you did actually meet? im in country i will ask the boss to forward my email and hence mobile if you want to talk its not unheard of for the bottle to go

He is due to fly out today Keith. Like I just mentioned I hope everything is now ok for him.

[keithAngel]

ok it came up in the chat last night no-one was sure

[HopeUK]

Well, so much for that - we met for a whole two hours.. She went to grab her bits from home as she'd just got back from Legaspi and then she calls to tell me her dad wants her to come home to meet up with a visiting aunt.

I'm on my way home as fast as I can sort anything out - I do not wish to stop here one minute longer - all the purpose has gone

Thanks for all your support anyhow guys.. I have to be magnanimous about that



Peace!

[triple5]

3 days? It's hardly very long. I wouldn't panic just yet.

[South-east boy]

3 days? It's hardly very long. I wouldn't panic just yet.

While it is a little worrying, Like Triple5 says, I wouldn't pannic just yet. If there are internet problems that accounts for most of the possible ways of contact not being available. Quite often I've thought the worst only for there to be a decent explanation.

[Dedworth]

I hope HopeUK that you are still travelling Thursday

[South-east boy]

I hope HopeUK that you are still travelling Thursday

Yeah, hope you heard from her and everything is back on track? Have a great time over there and let us know when you can how everyting went.

[triple5]

NOOO! Don't come back Go and enjoy yourself Plenty to do, and easy enough to meet other girls

Was there just no chemistry there when you met? Could be all sorts of reasons why she couldn't stick around. Maybe has strict parents. Who knows.

Good luck pal

[raynaputi]

enjoy the Philippines while you're still here..there are plenty of girls here like what they all said..you'll never know, all these just happened as just a way to meet the right girl

[Dedworth]

Very sorry to here all this HopeUK

[keithAngel]

I had hoped you would ring but I understand Bummer man but as you say lesson learned its always good to have a fall back plan and an exit statergy

[complex]

Hi Gavin, I and my wife have been following your story with interest the last couple of days and we are really sad to hear how it turned out, was hoping you would have stayed in the Philippines like the others were encouraging you to.
I'm a bit confused by what actually happened when you met the girl, can you enlighten us a bit more. 2 hours? how was she with you when you met? Just seems odd why she would bother showing at all if she's scamming you, unless she thought she would get the jackpot then and after meeting you she realised she wouldn't, just doesn't make sense!
Well if you would care to share more about your meeting once you have recovered from your journey I'm sure we would all be interested to here what went down.

Thanks, take care and keep your head up.
Lee & Rose

[triple5]

I'm sorry to hear the way things turned out. Shame it went like that. Like Complex said, difficult to understand what went so wrong in those 2 hours

Anyway, hope the journey back wasn't too bad. Like you say - life goes on

[HopeUK]

Hey Peeps!

Hi to Lee and Rose - I had no idea my blog still had such a captive audience! Hahaha! Okay, allow me to furnish you, and everyone interested, with a comprehensive diatribe..

My girl had disappeared in the last few days in the build up to the holiday because her mom had fallen ill again in the 11th hour of her IELT exam. As soon as that was done with she'd shot off home again. A day or two before my trip she got in touch to say that she'd been in Legaspi since Monday and she would be coming back to Manila on Friday, when we would meet up. She was really looking forward to our meeting. Fine!! Game on! All smiles again!!

So I set off on my trek, which was a very pleasant and interesting (if prolonged) journey. Incidentally, I'd like to take the time for a special mention here for KLM and their staff - the food and general hospitality gets my endorsement hands down, and if possible I'll fly with them again when I travel again. Anyway, I digress..

Okay, so I'm in Manila, and rather than feeling bemused I was actually excited. It's hot and she isn't immediately obvious to the naked eye.. There are a lot of people meeting their friends and loved ones - a lot. I sat in the shade, awaiting her arrival after the kind help of an airport attendant who let me use his phone to contact her (my phone decided it wasn't going to play with the local network in spite of assurances that it would - I'll slowly boil those responsible for that when I can be bothered). She'd literally just got back herself and was dropping her stuff off at home. She'd be with me soon. I thanked the attendant with a little gratuity and waited patiently with a bottle of water, feeling more than a little like I was on an auction block as the throngs of filipinas awaiting their friends and loved ones paid my decidedly un-filipino looks more than a cursory glance.. After a while the attendant saw me still waiting and in lieu of my kindness repaid the favour further by contacting her for me again. She was here, she just needed to know where I was exactly. After a few minutes I noticed a man waiving at me. I didn't recognise him at all but I raised my hand to see if he was looking at me. He was - and next to him was the cutely diminutive figure of my girl.

My heart stopped..



OHMIGOD, how lovely was she?!! She didn't so much sit under my chin as in my chest - sooo cute and diminutive.

She was a little stand-offish but I figured it was the initial meeting thing. We got underway, chatting as we did - she was even more beautiful in person. We eventually managed to find the hotel, which as always only bears a small resemblance to the photos they display proudly on their website. The room wasn't that great.. I'd not been expecting her to be joining me in the hotel but rather thought that we would be meeting up everyday, so I didn't worry about the room quality as such - it was just a place to put my head. Anyway, I unpacked, freshened up and we sat and had a good chat for a bit, reinforcing our commonalities and exploring more. I gave her a recreation of a present which I'd posted to her in February. The original was lost in the post after she wasn't at home to receive it - in fairness she didn't know it was on it's way. It was a valentines gift of a beautifully presented CD of music which reminded me of her, a personalised card with a fantastic and personal poem in it and a box of gummy bears - her favourites. She'd pleaded with me to remake it and I had. She opened everything but the card, seemed bemused with it, even slightly non-plussed.. hmm.. okay. She didn't have any bags with her so I asked her if she was stopping with me or at home. She said she was stopping here and she was going to grab her bits from home - she'd be back within the hour. She took the hotel phone number and we went downstairs to grab a taxi. She went on her way, and so I took the time to hang out with the security guard and chat a little about the culture, why I was here.. After a bit I thanked the guard for his chat and went back, popped the TV on and had my water as I moved my unpacked items around so she'd have room to put her stuff in too. I began to get a funny feeling, but faith had got me this far.. so I ignored it. The phone rang. Reception said it was my girl calling - she told me she was sorry but her dad had just called and he'd asked her to come home as they'd just had a visit from an Aunt from Chicago (!!!??) and he wanted her to be there to meet her. I said, okay.. what about us? I'd come 7000 miles to be with her for two weeks, we had the beach holiday on Sunday. She said she couldn't really not go and she was sorry but she didn't know when she'd be coming back either. I was stunned.. wtf!?? eh!?? what!!?? I said, okay, is that it then? silence.. She said she was sad and sorry again before putting the phone down.

I sat listening to a dead line. I was numb.. I was in Manila, a singular foreigner in a strange country on my first holiday anywhere by myself, and all my reasons for being there had evaporated. No, worse, I'd just been dumped by a person I'd shared so much with over the last six months. Or had I? I had no idea if she was lying or not.. Had she lost HER bottle?

All I could think was "F%*k"..

I grabbed my water, went to the lobby and sat down to have a drink and try to get to grips with what just happened. Everyone around me (and there wasn't anyone apart from the odd member of staff pottering about) looked very alien to me. It all suddenly felt very wrong. It was hot and all felt really uncomfortable. What had she done? What just happened? I thought I'd really found the one, then this.. A girl came and sat down at the opposite end of the room, with her back to me and lit a cigarette and chilled out. I sat for a while drinking my water, noting a sign saying the pool was closed.. anything more want to kick me in the nuts? Feeling out of place I went back to the room. I looked around at all my packing, neatly stored away. Hmm.. so much for that.. What to do? After an eternity of wondering I pottered down to reception - there were two computers - Internet. I asked about it and the security guard came and logged onto the system for me to use it. I went on Facebook and saw my friends. I felt a little less like curling into a ball and screaming as I saw familiar faces on a PC thousands of miles from home. I let everyone know the situation - they were similarly surprised, as you might imagine.

I decided to go for a walk and clear my mind. I found it an irony that the city which is famed for its congestion and nightmarish driving hazards for all in vehicles or on foot, was empty on Holy Week. It looked like 28 Days Later. Nothing was about. A few people lay in the shade, some others pottered about, some were sat as though awaiting Armageddon.. the odd jeepney passed me by and the odd car turned the odd corner. It became too warm again so I returned to the hotel and went back to the web. She was online in Facebook. Why is she online??? Commenting on friends' photos.. I started a text chat with her and she said she was trying to cheer herself up. I told her how unfair it all seemed and how in spite of the visiting aunt I thought my tiring efforts warranted a little respect (or was he treating me with suspicion?? What is going on?). She said she didn't want to cry again. I said I didn't want to start crying either. If our situation was reversed and she was in the UK with me having to go away, I'd invite her along. That didn't get a response, making me think she had lost her bottle, but if she had I couldnt tease it out of her. WIthout a thread to go on I told her that it seemed as though that was that. After admitting that a lot of it was her fault and she was the one in the wrong here she said I must hate her (making me think all the more that she HAD lost her bottle, and there was NO aunt). I could see no alternative but to draw a line under the whole thing - she seemed reluctant to budge or explain anymore, if there was anymore to explain. Perhaps she was telling the truth. I'd been travelling for nearly 20 hours, how could I tell fact from fiction anymore? i told her I didn't hate her, but I couldn't understand what had happened. She said she had to obey her dad. I replied that if there was no way forwards then that was really that. After some resistance to the idea and wanting to stay friends if we could (but without any tangible way forwards fothcoming) she settled for my wishes. I didn't wish for it at all, but I suppose a bit of me was a little angry. We drew a line under it and over the next few hours into the night I organised a flight back for the next morning.

Nothing made any sense, I didn't have sufficient funds to explore or continue with my holiday, nor truthfully the heart to do it. I wanted to go home. The journey back was similarly entertaining - the immigration guards face was a picture when he moved to stamp my passport and realised I'd only arrived the day before. After two planes, via another pleasant but shorter return to Schiphol, several trains worth of buggering about after finding that there were no more trains from Manchester to Sheffield from either the airport or Manchester Picadilly connections (it was only 10:00pm). I tried a couple of hotels.. all full, too expensive or taking the p*ss with a man in need - oh yes, I was back in Britain.. I made my way to Macclesfield where a good friend (my eastern travel guru, married to a wonderful japanese woman) whom I similary had met on Facebook but never met before now, gave me a roof for the night. They are wonderful people and they made me feel very much at home. I had a shower, chilled with them for a bit before retiring. In the morning we chatted some more, and after giving them a couple of my pasalubong gifts to them for their hugely apopreciated help, my friend gave me a lift back to the train station. After yet more buggering about with a train to Picadilly which stopped at Stockport and turned into a bus, I finally got on a train to Sheffield (which took the scenic route, naturally) and I eventually arrived home.

There you have it. What a bizarre 90 odd hours..

Peace.

[Doc Alan]

A cautionary tale, thanks for taking the time to post it, and I for one would not sit in judgement over how you decided to respond to events

[South-east boy]

Thanks for taking the time to tell us all that happened. So it seems that you never really did find out the truth of what really did go on? Whether the aunt had visited, whether it was an excuse used by her as she wasn't so keen or even if her Dad had forbade her to meet up with you again? I guess with her having the exam, her mother being ill etc, didn't really help things. Like you say if she was genuinely interested, then I would have thought that she could have invited you/her family invite you or you could have met up with you at some point, unless like I say her father forbade her/wasn't keen on her seeing you again. Do you know how much her family knew about you going to see her?

Before on dates over here, I've got on great with someone before meeting, then some haven't been quite so chatty when meeting and I haven't heard from them again or others have been just the same during meeting as before, but after I've never heard from them again. On the other hand, I've had one say that they loved me before meeting and others have been the same before meeting, during meeting and after meeting. I guess that what is so scarey about going such a long way for a kind of 'date', if it goes wrong such as what happened with you. I don't know what else you could have done to have prevented what happened from happening though. Will you try and get more of an answer out of her as to the really reason? I know you have already tried, but she might feel more able to after time. It won't make any difference, but it's a human feeling to need to know so it can settle your mind. With Suzie just after New Year, when I finally got hold of her again, she kept up with the pretence of that the Danish guy was still going to see her in a few days, but as it didn't totally add up and I wondered if she had been seeing him when I was unable to get hold of her, I asked her again if she had seem him during the time I couldn't get hold of her and then she finally admitted that yes, that was the case.

So what's next for you now?

[laurel]

Gav really sorry to hear this.
Putting this down to experience is an understatement!!!
I sincerely wish you all the best, you seem to be handling it incredibly well.
Take care

[HopeUK]

SIM11UK, yeah I get the feeling that AWAY from Manila is the winning ticket. A curious place but as you say, oppressive.

South East, I’m not sure there WAS an aunt to be honest mate. The more I think about it, the more I reckon she just got cold feet or didn't like something but wouldn't say what (can't imagine it though with all the chat we had, although it seems I didn't know her after all, to be sure). I guess there wasn’t anything to do to prevent or anticipate it.. How do you prepare for being dumped without a clear explanation, and as has been said, how can she live with doing that? It’d be “guilt overload” with me if I did that. Just thinking about doing that to her if she’d come over here is an unbearable image and upsets me even after what she did. For me, the lesson learned is to go somewhere for yourself – my original plan when I set out to reach for Japan. I am going to do this next! Plain and simple..

Laurel cheers for that. To be honest there are many positives to take from it.. The safe and secure knowledge that I went out there relatively inexperienced as far as travelling solo was concerned, and came back feeling beaten up but immortal.. hahaha.

[Doc Alan]

I've said very little, Gav, because I'm flying out in exactly 1 month ...and I've read your's and similar recent posts with interest, concern, and caution

[HopeUK]

Alan, I'm sure you'll be okay bud.. I can't imagine this happening again.. On a sliding scale it'd be impossible to anticipate THAT resolution. I'd braced myself for everything from a BIG LOVE to her not turning up at all. This one was just plain odd.. I expected to see Dennis Hopper around the next corner.. For me the only reason I couldn't work a travel back up plan was because all this had been organised and sealed in 4 months - not easy on about 16k a year I can tell you - hahaha.

If you can have a backup plan I concur with the others.. do it. I could have but I weighed up the pro's and con's of the better choice to get to meet her as quickly as possible within reason. It all just buggered up.

[somebody]

Wow a truely Epic thread and one whatever point of a Phill Brit relationship we are at can relate to.

I have to say I did think what happened if no one met me or ... I did make some plans how well they would have worked if these things had happened i dont know.

I can remember back to when my Wife was basically a stranger I knew well when we first met and we both found it very odd to know someone but to find them a person they hardly know..

Its quite creepy to think what if she had cold feet.

The family part can have a big part to play my Wife was happily with me and her Manila Uni Mates were aware of me but one day when in Boracay she got a Mobile call from her Dad. Which was basically saying what the hell are you doing in Boracay (with her mates he thought) now im abroad on A island miles from the airport wondering whats going to happen now.
Luckily she was strongwilled enough to carry on but the family is so powerful in Phill that many of my Wifes mates (two degree holder nurses for example) are still ruled over by their family and have to seek permission for trips out permission for laptop with internet for example in their mid twenties!!

Another thing I have noticed is some families don't like the daughter marrying a westerner because it changes the balance of power.
My Wife is now apart from her automatic respect to her elders finding she still has massive influence over the family simply due to her money. This in some families can cause a lot of problems from what I have seen and heard of.

The other option I can think of is she simply didn't think it would happen it was a nice daydream then it was always months, weeks, days away which to many Phills who seem to live for the day seems like a live time away.

[HopeUK]

Yeah, I guess it could simply boil down to the fact that the reality became something quite different after all the talk on the web. I tend to think of these chit chats and communiques through the web as totally legitimate conversation, but for some I guess it seems like playtime until reality sinks in by some means or other..

The filipino family unit matter is indeed a powerful entity, but to be honest she didn't know that much about me financially except that I managed to help her, but had also drawn a line at getting silly when we decided to go shopping before the beach holiday. I would have thought that the financial side of things would only have been a benefit to them though to be honest if that were the issue, no matter how little I actually earn. Money has never ruled my life anyway, it limits my options but it doesn't rule my head. That really causes trouble if you let it do that. Ask any of the celebs. If it were a matter of power they all should have taken the time to get to know me and not perhaps make assumptions about me or my morals or attitudes. That just stinks to make your mind up about someone before meeting them.. arrogance in its darkest colours.

[somebody]

Yeah, I guess it could simply boil down to the fact that the reality became something quite different after all the talk on the web. I tend to think of these chit chats and communiques through the web as totally legitimate conversation, but for some I guess it seems like playtime until reality sinks in by some means or other..

The filipino family unit matter is indeed a powerful entity, but to be honest she didn't know that much about me financially except that I managed to help her, but had also drawn a line at getting silly when we decided to go shopping before the beach holiday. I would have thought that the financial side of things would only have been a benefit to them though to be honest if that were the issue, no matter how little I actually earn. Money has never ruled my life anyway, it limits my options but it doesn't rule my head. That really causes trouble if you let it do that. Ask any of the celebs. If it were a matter of power they all should have taken the time to get to know me and not perhaps make assumptions about me or my morals or attitudes. That just stinks to make your mind up about someone before meeting them.. arrogance in its darkest colours.

Indeed for many Filipinos the west seems like how they normally see it a film set so it is possible it was some form of online fantasy which she never thought might happen or had not thought though.

Many Phills don't like the family unit split up and would rather avoid the money it seems from examples i Know of.
Some parts of the Wife's family have members all over the world and barely seen one another physically from one year to the next. I can think of families where the husband and wife are in different countries as are all the the siblings are separated by borders. So like you rightly say money is not everything even if it could be very handy..

very true about the thinking you know someone but like your self and someone else mentioned today in a post the person you chat to and the person you meet can be very different to what you imagine.

[keithAngel]

Hope you will probably never know the actual reasons why things went the way they did.

Even had she met you and given you all the time and proximity you might have hoped for outcomes are far from assured.

From my own experiences and on the ground research the received wisdom here in the Phils is you cant beat a good introduction

In the ten days befor coming and since my arrival the uptake on face to face meetings (in a public place Mall etc ) for a chat old fashioned style dating is very low even though initial contact is enthusiastic most of the lady,s dont seem to be able to cope with the fact someone is here on the ground that doesnt mean dates arnt available but working girls also frequent sites so you have to learn to read the responces well

I have the advantage here of previous experience that went pairshaped and some time on my side so patience really can be a virtue plus conections to good advice from expats living here full time and that still doesnt mean not needing to be lucky

Most decent ladies will be shy initialy although I did draw the line at meeting anyone who wasnt willing to show up alone rather than with the entire clan or her personal bakarda that can start to cost money befor even any real interest is established on either side plus if shes not brave enough to meet that for me bodes poorly for the future , just a very personal take that.

The other phenomina ive encountered is that from the moment of contact you are epected to talk to the lady exclusively even befor meeting whilst they can continue there on line activeties which I find quiet mad

For me this time im clear in myself despite the banter that im immediatly upfrnt about who i am and what im here for the truth is easy and requires no memory and I expect the same standard from prospective partners If that doesnt work I will come again untill its the right one comes my way.

I will never again use the net to try and establish an LDR it cost me two years of my time wiser though I may be now back to the fish project good luck in the future Hope

[HopeUK]

I find it kinda infuriating that people can’t just approach life with an open and clear mind. For me, every effort should be made to be honest and truthful with others, end of story. You don’t need to lie to get ahead.

I do recall about a month ago I thought to install Yahoo Messenger on my work PC as this had become our most successful spontaneous meeting tool of late – better than Facebook as they recently decided to ban its use at work. Within an hour of installation she appeared and one of the first things she asked me was who else I was talking with through Messenger. I told her the truth – I wasn’t speaking with anyone else but her, and even joked with her that as this had happened we were simply fated to be together. I don’t think this moment was instrumental in our downfall, but I think it might illustrate a difference in our behaviours. Maybe she’s been lied to so many times that the truth was overwhelming and seemed too good to be true, as it were.

As you say KeithAngel, go with the truth and there’s no tripping yourself up. I never saw the point to agendas or lying in relationships - at best it just creates a dry rot. I guess I’m coping with this quite well because the one constant in my life is an inability to find the right person. I seem to have the ability to bounce back from these things and carry on, probably out of a sense of desire for success in finding that one true woman – there have been so many chances for me to just throw in the towel and never bother again but I find I just can’t give up no matter how many times I get beaten up. I’ve had quite a few relationships. Some have barely got off the starting blocks, or fallen in due course. My last one had the best run at eight years. I think that rather than managing a fully successful life-long relationship (at 38 years old, that’s already long past possible) I’m just fated to have experiences and collisions with many women. It just feels inevitable. A shame really because in spite of my tastes in the ideal woman for me, all I’ve ever really been interested in is in having a stable, loving relationship. It’s ironic to me that in all of life’s difficulties this is the one thing which has always eluded me. Still, as I have said I can’t give up, and with this in mind this will NOT be my last effort at an interracial relationship. Why the focus on interracial? Well, I’ve come to realise that generally speaking I now find western women boring, or worse. There will be rare exceptions I know, and I don’t speak for all western women when I say this but I find a lot of them seem to want to be more like men than women, and a large slice of those left don’t deserve to be called women. I may not go with the LDR through the web as you say.. I think I’ll just bide my time and go to Japan next year with an open mind and heart and see what reveals itself. I have other reasons for wanting to go to Japan anyway, and at least I already have a friend with a Japanese wife whom I can speak with. That may be my next big adventure. In terms of possibilities I can’t imagine it could be any worse.

[complex]

Hi Gavin, thanks for taking the time to re-live the experience, I can only hope it will be something you laugh about in the future when you look back and think you went half way around the world and back in such a short time, an epic experience.
Sorry how its panned out, sounded so promising when I started reading, I can imagine having the same reaction as you did when you received her call, numbing for sure, we would all feel the same. I wouldn't begin to guess at her reasons as like you and everyone else have said it just doesn't make sense, aunt from Chicago just doesn't ring true to me.
I wish you had said you would go with her to collect her belongings, wonder what her reaction would have been. Maybe like its been suggested she just doesn't know her own mind and is immature and unable to cope with the situation. Only she knows.

You didn't say if the guy waiving at the airport was a friend that had accompanied her?

Not much else I can say really thats not been said already, seems you have coped rather well considering.
To travel the distance you did for a lady is a big deal (as I often remind my wife :-) the way that girl treated you is beyond words, i hope you can start planning your Japan trip and just forget about this saga.