Hi Peeps!
You know, it’s almost as though my joining this forum has acted as a catalyst for turmoil in my relationship. Now I seem to be seeking some sense of perspective..
My gf was supposed to be getting in touch for a Facebook chat this weekend for, amongst other things, whatever it is that she has wanted to speak so importantly about. She emailed me to let me know that she couldn’t chat as arranged as she had errands to run (which I’m thinking are related to the end of this rainbow..) but said she’d get in touch ”tomorrow”. Come “tomorrow” I waited patiently for her, but with no show I thought to text her to let her know I was online (9am here, 5pm there) and hoping to hear from her soon! She got in touch a couple of hours later with a text reply saying that her parents are having a financial problem and she’s afraid she won’t be able to take her IELT (which if I recall rightly is coming up in March) - she wanted to cry. She said she wished I was there to comfort her and didn’t know where to turn for help or what was she going to do. I tried to encourage her to come online but she said that she couldn’t presently get online to talk and she was restless.. but she’d be coming on line in the morning (7am there, 11pm here) and if I was available we could perhaps talk, and that she misses me. I told her I’d be here for the chat, that I missed her too and not to worry, with reassurance that things will work out xxx.
At around this point I began to hear the bell-ringing of many a laboured and destroyed soul.. but I have to say my own personal judgment (impartial in this situation I hasten to add) thinks this still genuine. Her mom was in hospital recently which may explain their difficulties, and I don’t know anything of her parent’s working circumstances. She has never raised money issues before. Playing devil’s advocate for a moment , if this whole relationship WERE a scam it is a most patient and elaborate one. I would have thought that there are more than enough dating sites from which to choose to perform such duplicitous practices, and with far greater odds of success.
Bear with me in this next bit..
I think in my mind I have chosen to try and help her if the situation doesn’t resolve itself between now and April. Approaching this clinically, I would want to ask whether her exam can wait a bit longer (if there is a money issue then I don’t think there’d be much choice in the situation anyway?). It is true that I cannot afford to help her at the moment but I may be able to by the time we get together – from looking I’m guessing it would typically be costing around £100? If when we get together all is “good/real”, real problems are still there, and there really is a genuine love to nurture, then I will be more than happy to help out, as surely as though we were together as bf/gf here in the UK.
So, I appear to have a solution to my problem.. Why post all this? Assuming I have struck a good balance between compassion and wisdom, what I am seeking from other seasoned members here is some independent reassurance that I am not being overly suspicious, harsh or cruel. Any mortal man (or woman) will appreciate that the last thing I wish to do is hurt her – the Buddhist part of me wouldn’t want to hurt her even if she were ‘scamming’ – god knows unless she were really immoral there would be real reasons for her resorting to such desperate measures. What I’m afraid of here is whether my conclusions and chosen actions are equally as good? Do you believe she would understand my caution should she choose to openly ask me for help rather than just hinting the possibility, as it perhaps felt she was doing? I don’t wish to suggest openly to her that she might be pulling a scam - doing so might well cause irreparable damage by a possible misunderstood moment, but after all we haven’t met yet have we..!? Still, her Facebook account, friends, emails, chats and behaviour seem so real and genuine I feel really bad for not accepting her more at her word, or reading her text simply as a girl who is sad at facing the prospect of not being able to take her IELT, and in need of real help. I feel as though my self-preservation might inadvertently really be me using, and by mis-action, hurting her to protect myself.
Help..
