How to deal nicely with a poor Filipina

[LastViking]

Hi folks,

I haven't posted for a little while, but I wonder if you wise guys and gals could give me some advice. I have been in contact with a lovely Filipina for about a month now and having experienced scammers in the past, normally know the signs. Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

I want to politely make it clear that I am not going to assist her financially, certainly not at this early stage. However, I also think that she is just telling me as it is for her, so I don't want to ruin what might be the start of a real relationship.

So how do I nicely deal with the (possible) hints, or do I simply ignore them. If she is trying a scam, I would rather get to know now and move on. However, I also don't want to be worrying going forward that I have spoilt something because of being overly suspicious. I hope that you will understand my conundrum. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

Thanks in advance.

[aromulus]

. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

.

Throw a mouse at it....

It certainly looks a bit dodgy.

If in doubt, don't part with any cash.

[triple5]

Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

Sounds like blackmail in a way, cough up or lose contact. Any plans to go and visit her?

[Arthur Little]

Hi folks,

I haven't posted for a little while, but I wonder if you wise guys and gals could give me some advice. I have been in contact with a lovely Filipina for about a month now and having experienced scammers in the past, normally know the signs. Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

I want to politely make it clear that I am not going to assist her financially, certainly not at this early stage. However, I also think that she is just telling me as it is for her, so I don't want to ruin what might be the start of a real relationship.

So how do I nicely deal with the (possible) hints, or do I simply ignore them. If she is trying a scam, I would rather get to know now and move on. However, I also don't want to be worrying going forward that I have spoilt something because of being overly suspicious. I hope that you will understand my conundrum. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

Thanks in advance.

Having just this minute responded to someone whom I DO believe IS being "taken for the proverbial ride" ... MY gut instinct would be to sever the connection completely.

However, laying aside my [increasingly] "suspicious" thoughts for a moment, I think it's best if you could somehow tactfully broach the subject of your true financial situation in your next communication. In other words, be totally up-front with the girl at this early stage of your online relationship. Put your cards on the table as soon as possible ... so that she's left in no doubt as to where you both stand moneywise. Should her reply express disappointment that you could even consider her to be a scammer, all you need do is reassure her that you'd been simply erring on the side of caution ... having heard of so many cases where "sob stories" have been used to dupe western guys into parting with their hard-earned cash. If her motives ARE, indeed, genuine, then I feel she will accept your explanation.

[nigel]

Hi Viking! I just want to say that I salute you sir!! I take my hat off to you sir!! You've said that you have experienced scammers in Philippines in the past but still keep a good attitude! I thank you sir!

[Arthur Little]

Having just this minute responded to someone who I DO believe IS being "taken for the proverbial ride" ... MY gut instinct would be to sever the connection completely.

However, laying aside my [increasingly] "suspicious" thoughts for a moment, I think it's best if you could somehow tactfully broach the subject of your true financial situation in your next communication. In other words, be totally up-front with the girl at this early stage of your online relationship. Put your cards on the table as soon as possible ... so that she's left in no doubt as to where you both stand moneywise. Should her reply express disappointment that you could even consider her to be a scammer, all you need do is reassure her that you'd been simply erring on the side of caution ... having heard of so many cases where "sob stories" have been used to dupe western guys into parting with their hard-earned cash. If her motives ARE, indeed, genuine, then I feel she will accept your explanation.

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

[Arthur Little]

Hi Viking! I just want to say that I salute you sir!! I take my hat off to you sir!! You've said that you have experienced scammers in Philippines in the past but still keep a good attitude! I thank you sir!

... EH? ...

[IanB]

Grrrr.

[IanB]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

Arthur, I find these concepts hard to understand in a country where so many people are starving and suffer from lack of health care. I think there are two sets of moral values in the Philippines, one for the rich and one for the poor.

I admit that my experience is meagre in the Philippines, but I have seen nothing that encourages me to think otherwise. Crime is truly outrageous. Government officials treat poor people like ****. doctors and lawyers lie and sell quack medication - or kick sick people onto the streets. Prostitution and rape are common, but asking for a divorce from a man who left you for another woman is considered morally wrong.

Ask for a divorce? You are a bad woman! Ask for money? How immoral! Get sick? A potential scam!

I do not want to offend the many Filipinos out there, because very one I have met has been lovely, decent, and honest. But lets not be blind to the bad things in society over there, and lets NOT impose middle class values on poor people.

[Pete67]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

Thanks for that Arthur, really clarifies my situation for me...

[nigel]

... EH? ...

I've recently come accross YouTube videos that I would describe as being "Name and Shame Videos" from disgruntled British and American men who feel they have been scammed or cheated in some way by a Filipina's. They are showing slide shows and stuff of these girls and even naming a full name at times to embarrass and shame them. Sometimes it's quite obvious that they are delibarately trying to make them look ridiculous and humiliated for anyone to see! I'm a bit angered by it, cause it's not nice for any filipina to have this happen, I don't think it matters what they may have done..

So that is why I said "I salute you sir!" and all that.. I'm a bit worried about these "Name and Shame Videos" frankly I think it's irresponsible of YouTube to let it happen!

Does anyone know how to deal with "Name and Shame Videos"? Have any filipina's been a victim of it? What did you do?

[KeithD]

When you work out how much wifey has cost you, you wish you'd been scammed it's cheaper

[Arthur Little]

... I'm a bit worried about these "hate videos" frankly I think it's irresponsible of YouTube to let it happen!

It IS irresponsible, ... and ... MORE importantly ... misleading! But it's knowing HOW these 'video nasties' can be outlawed that's the problem!

[Steve.r]

Arthur, I find these concepts hard to understand in a country where so many people are starving and suffer from lack of health care. I think there are two sets of moral values in the Philippines, one for the rich and one for the poor.

I admit that my experience is meagre in the Philippines, but I have seen nothing that encourages me to think otherwise. Crime is truly outrageous. Government officials treat poor people like ****. doctors and lawyers lie and sell quack medication - or kick sick people onto the streets. Prostitution and rape are common, but asking for a divorce from a man who left you for another woman is considered morally wrong.

Ask for a divorce? You are a bad woman! Ask for money? How immoral! Get sick? A potential scam!

I do not want to offend the many Filipinos out there, because very one I have met has been lovely, decent, and honest. But lets not be blind to the bad things in society over there, and lets NOT impose middle class values on poor people.

Ian,

Not wanting to upset you no no no!!! But your argument on what Arthur has said does not really fit in here. Ok, I also do not have a vast experience, but will tell you of my situation. I am not married to my Mahal yet, we are still courting long distance as many are and do here. My Mahal is exactly as Arthur has described, she has high family and moral values. She works away from her family i n Singapore to support them and works extremely hard for the small money she gets. So many times I have offered to help her, but she will say no, and wants to work out her problems herself. It gives her a greater feeling of achievement and self worth. I think many philippinas are like this.

We hear so much about the scammers and people who want to rip off the so called 'rich westerner' but are these just the few bad apples? We only (generally) hear of the bad statistics... and sh*t sticks.
Are there not just as many scammers here in the Uk?

In this situation above, extreme care must be advised. If you can afford to loose the money she is asking for, take a gamble.....BUT.....laying your cards on the table right off the bat might clear up any misunderstandings that might come up in the future if you stay with her.

Just my thoughts, no offence intended

Steve

[keithAngel]

Hi folks,

I haven't posted for a little while, but I wonder if you wise guys and gals could give me some advice. I have been in contact with a lovely Filipina for about a month now and having experienced scammers in the past, normally know the signs. Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

I want to politely make it clear that I am not going to assist her financially, certainly not at this early stage. However, I also think that she is just telling me as it is for her, so I don't want to ruin what might be the start of a real relationship.

So how do I nicely deal with the (possible) hints, or do I simply ignore them. If she is trying a scam, I would rather get to know now and move on. However, I also don't want to be worrying going forward that I have spoilt something because of being overly suspicious. I hope that you will understand my conundrum. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

Thanks in advance.

There is a big difference in simply telling the truth i.e. "I am poor and dont always have a spare 200 piso a week for the internet cafe" and my carabous leg has fallen off scamming and you are the one who is in the best position to assess at what stage of contact you are at!!

If I were talking to a really interesting friend who stimulated me and had become an important part of my life etc but they happened to be poor I might consider sending a little net money it would depend on such things as how long Ive known them how often we talk and what I feel about them.

I myself do not subscribe to "a good Filipna would rather die than ask for help" version niether would I be stupid, trust your own feelings in this and look at it from the others shoes.

[Englishman2010]

When you work out how much wifey has cost you, you wish you'd been scammed it's cheaper

Absolutely, when I work out how much money I have wasted on my ex-wife over the years, giving a little bit to my Filipina g/f every now and then is a drop in the ocean.

I'm new to this, I only met my g/f last September, but fortunately had friends who warned me to be on my guard and to expect strong hints or even requests for help, some of which may not be genuine. I made it quite clear from day 1 that I am going through a divorce, and all of my assets and income are under close scrutiny, therefore I can't part with my cash as questions will be asked. That did the trick for me.

I do help out a little bit, when its not expected, but not if I'm asked. If she says needs a flight, I will book the flight for her, that way I know the money is being used for its intended purpose.

I think that requests for 100 USD or GBP arent part of any organised scam, its just poor people trying to get enough money for food or shelter. There is always a nagging doubt, wether they genuinely love you or just your money. But as I said, I made it clear from day 1, and after 5 months and an hour chatting on line every day mine still calls me up, so I'm happy that she is genuine, although me being a westerner will possibly give her some financial security one day.

But who can blame the Filipina's for trying it on and asking their b/f for money - as i said I wasted a fortune on my ex wife and had the worst time of my life. At least I'm happy with my Filipina.

[IainBusby]

Hi folks,

I haven't posted for a little while, but I wonder if you wise guys and gals could give me some advice. I have been in contact with a lovely Filipina for about a month now and having experienced scammers in the past, normally know the signs. Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

I want to politely make it clear that I am not going to assist her financially, certainly not at this early stage. However, I also think that she is just telling me as it is for her, so I don't want to ruin what might be the start of a real relationship.

So how do I nicely deal with the (possible) hints, or do I simply ignore them. If she is trying a scam, I would rather get to know now and move on. However, I also don't want to be worrying going forward that I have spoilt something because of being overly suspicious. I hope that you will understand my conundrum. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

Thanks in advance.

When she hints about outstanding bills just say tell me about it, I've got so many outstanding bills as well, my hours at work have been cut and I just don't know how I'm going to pay them all. If she drops you like a hot potato very soon after then you know she's a scammer.

[IainBusby]

There is a big difference in simply telling the truth i.e. "I am poor and dont always have a spare 200 piso a week for the internet cafe" and my carabous leg has fallen off scamming and you are the one who is in the best position to assess at what stage of contact you are at!!

If I were talking to a really interesting friend who stimulated me and had become an important part of my life etc but they happened to be poor I might consider sending a little net money it would depend on such things as how long Ive known them how often we talk and what I feel about them.

I myself do not subscribe to "a good Filipna would rather die than ask for help" version niether would I be stupid, trust your own feelings in this and look at it from the others shoes.

About £25 to £30 a month at present exchange rates would be enough money to be able go to the web cafe every day including jeepney rides there and back.

[triple5]

I wasted a fortune on my ex wife and had the worst time of my life. At least I'm happy with my Filipina.

ditto

[Doc Alan]

Ian,



We hear so much about the scammers and people who want to rip off the so called 'rich westerner' but are these just the few bad apples? We only (generally) hear of the bad statistics... and sh*t sticks.
Are there not just as many scammers here in the Uk?



Steve

I think you're right Steve. The methods for scammers / fraudsters in the UK may be different (tax evasion, benefit, NHS , mortgage, insurance fraud, identity theft) but it cost £30 billion last year ...that's over £600 for every adult in the country

[joebloggs]

When you work out how much wifey has cost you, you wish you'd been scammed it's cheaper

a scammer is not for life, but a wife is

[Arthur Little]

a scammer is not for life, but a wife is

... that's a humorous way of looking at it, Joe ... takes a bit of the "heat" out of an otherwise ... ... [shall I say?] somewhat fiery debate!

[South-east boy]

I had some similar things mentioned when I was still in contact with Suzie. She didn't say about not being able to afford to keep in contact, but said things like she had bad wisdom toothache, but couldn't afford to get it looked at, once said that the family were in trouble with money (her dad had died not too long before), she needed a fancy dress for her work do and can't wear something that she has worn before etc. I don't doubt that these were true, but whether she was hinting to see if I'd give her something or not, I don't know. Also what sh would have said, if I had offered money, I don't know. But she had said that she was ashamed to have said to me about the family being in trouble with money etc. I didn't send her anything as I hadn't met her, but I did send her a couple of text loads (so she could text me) and a lot of stuff for Xmas and Birthday & then it turned out a Danish guy had gone to stay with her & her family a few days after Xmas!

[aryM]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

I agree to that Sir Arthur...! You are really right.

[JonHig]

There is no such thing as an ugly Filipina...they're the most beauutiful women in the world

Hmm...I would rather say 'There is no such thing as an ugly Filipina, it is just some are more beautiful than others'

[fred]

There is a big difference in simply telling the truth i.e. "I am poor and dont always have a spare 200 piso a week for the internet cafe" and my carabous leg has fallen off scamming and you are the one who is in the best position to assess at what stage of contact you are at!!

If I were talking to a really interesting friend who stimulated me and had become an important part of my life etc but they happened to be poor I might consider sending a little net money it would depend on such things as how long Ive known them how often we talk and what I feel about them.

I myself do not subscribe to "a good Filipna would rather die than ask for help" version niether would I be stupid, trust your own feelings in this and look at it from the others shoes.

Pretty much sums it up for me..
What is she supposed to say when explaining why she cannot spend endless amounts of time on the internet talking to someone on a 24 hour cable connection??
If you like her send her a tenner..That`ll get her 40 hours in most internet cafe`s..

We hear so much about the scammers and people who want to rip off the so called 'rich westerner' but are these just the few bad apples? We only (generally) hear of the bad statistics... and sh*t sticks.
Are there not just as many scammers here in the Uk?

With out a doubt..Far more scammers in the UK..
Ive been here 3 years this trip and haven't been scammed once!!
In the UK I was contacted by scammers and robbers at least once a week!!

but asking for a divorce from a man who left you for another woman is considered morally wrong.

Divorce is not allowed here by law so Im not sure what you mean??..

[LastViking]

Sounds like blackmail in a way, cough up or lose contact. Any plans to go and visit her?

Yes I am hoping to go later in the year, although until I resolve this issue I am not telling her.

... I think it's best if you could somehow tactfully broach the subject of your true financial situation in your next communication. In other words, be totally up-front with the girl at this early stage of your online relationship. Put your cards on the table as soon as possible ... so that she's left in no doubt as to where you both stand moneywise. Should her reply express disappointment that you could even consider her to be a scammer, all you need do is reassure her that you'd been simply erring on the side of caution ... having heard of so many cases where "sob stories" have been used to dupe western guys into parting with their hard-earned cash. If her motives ARE, indeed, genuine, then I feel she will accept your explanation.

Thanks Arthur, I can see that this is probably the best approach.

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

Well, actually, that is why I am a little concerned, although I do take the points raised by others about the situation in the Philippines. I don't want to be high handed just because she has problems.

Are there not just as many scammers here in the Uk?

In this situation above, extreme care must be advised. If you can afford to loose the money she is asking for, take a gamble.....BUT.....laying your cards on the table right off the bat might clear up any misunderstandings that might come up in the future if you stay with her.

Steve, I certainly take your point here, there is nothing exceptional about filipina's here, scammers are all over including the UK. They just us different methods.

I also believe that getting this out into the open as soon as possible is the only way to go. I just don't want doubts going forward.

Thanks to all who have contributed. It has given me a lot of things to think through.

Cheers

LV

[stevewool]

Hi Viking! I just want to say that I salute you sir!! I take my hat off to you sir!! You've said that you have experienced scammers in Philippines in the past but still keep a good attitude! I thank you sir!

hi there s true what you say i have been in contact with a beautiful lady may be poor in money , but she is rich in life , never a bad word for anyone , we all could learn form people who are short of cash, but not short of love, steve

[Philip]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

In an ideal world this would be the case, but life ain't like that eh!?

........................................................................................................................................

*** A lil post in defense of the genuinely poor pinoys! ***



People are individuals and some people find themselves in situations where money is an ongoing problem.

It's a simple fact that in some cases you're going to have to help them out due to circumstances out of their control. This help may be needed from the very start, or later on, but just because this person is maybe hinting does not make them a scammer.

I helped my future wife out before we even became sweety's heh, she was very poor, but here we are 6 years later happy and together. She's the one helping me now hah, cos now I'm poor cos of sends, pasalubong, visits and visas!

My point is, just because someone hints or outright asks for help does not make them a lesser person, or automatically make them a scammer. They may just actually need some help.

In situations like this you need to trust your instincts and keep an eye out for anything suspicious, as there are obviously a lot of scammers out there, just as there are a lot of genuine people who haven't had that much luck in life.

[nigel]

There is no such thing as an ugly Filipina...they're the most beauutiful women in the world

Hmm...I would rather say 'There is no such thing as an ugly Filipina, it is just some are more beautiful than others'

Ha haaaaa as soon as you arrive in Philippines you notice one thing - Everybody is good looking! The men are too! hahahaha do you not think so?