How to deal nicely with a poor Filipina

[LastViking]

Hi folks,

I haven't posted for a little while, but I wonder if you wise guys and gals could give me some advice. I have been in contact with a lovely Filipina for about a month now and having experienced scammers in the past, normally know the signs. Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

I want to politely make it clear that I am not going to assist her financially, certainly not at this early stage. However, I also think that she is just telling me as it is for her, so I don't want to ruin what might be the start of a real relationship.

So how do I nicely deal with the (possible) hints, or do I simply ignore them. If she is trying a scam, I would rather get to know now and move on. However, I also don't want to be worrying going forward that I have spoilt something because of being overly suspicious. I hope that you will understand my conundrum. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

Thanks in advance.

[aromulus]

. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

.

Throw a mouse at it....

It certainly looks a bit dodgy.

If in doubt, don't part with any cash.

[triple5]

Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

Sounds like blackmail in a way, cough up or lose contact. Any plans to go and visit her?

[Arthur Little]

Hi folks,

I haven't posted for a little while, but I wonder if you wise guys and gals could give me some advice. I have been in contact with a lovely Filipina for about a month now and having experienced scammers in the past, normally know the signs. Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

I want to politely make it clear that I am not going to assist her financially, certainly not at this early stage. However, I also think that she is just telling me as it is for her, so I don't want to ruin what might be the start of a real relationship.

So how do I nicely deal with the (possible) hints, or do I simply ignore them. If she is trying a scam, I would rather get to know now and move on. However, I also don't want to be worrying going forward that I have spoilt something because of being overly suspicious. I hope that you will understand my conundrum. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

Thanks in advance.

Having just this minute responded to someone whom I DO believe IS being "taken for the proverbial ride" ... MY gut instinct would be to sever the connection completely.

However, laying aside my [increasingly] "suspicious" thoughts for a moment, I think it's best if you could somehow tactfully broach the subject of your true financial situation in your next communication. In other words, be totally up-front with the girl at this early stage of your online relationship. Put your cards on the table as soon as possible ... so that she's left in no doubt as to where you both stand moneywise. Should her reply express disappointment that you could even consider her to be a scammer, all you need do is reassure her that you'd been simply erring on the side of caution ... having heard of so many cases where "sob stories" have been used to dupe western guys into parting with their hard-earned cash. If her motives ARE, indeed, genuine, then I feel she will accept your explanation.

[nigel]

Hi Viking! I just want to say that I salute you sir!! I take my hat off to you sir!! You've said that you have experienced scammers in Philippines in the past but still keep a good attitude! I thank you sir!

[Arthur Little]

Hi Viking! I just want to say that I salute you sir!! I take my hat off to you sir!! You've said that you have experienced scammers in Philippines in the past but still keep a good attitude! I thank you sir!

... EH? ...

[IanB]

Grrrr.

[nigel]

... EH? ...

I've recently come accross YouTube videos that I would describe as being "Name and Shame Videos" from disgruntled British and American men who feel they have been scammed or cheated in some way by a Filipina's. They are showing slide shows and stuff of these girls and even naming a full name at times to embarrass and shame them. Sometimes it's quite obvious that they are delibarately trying to make them look ridiculous and humiliated for anyone to see! I'm a bit angered by it, cause it's not nice for any filipina to have this happen, I don't think it matters what they may have done..

So that is why I said "I salute you sir!" and all that.. I'm a bit worried about these "Name and Shame Videos" frankly I think it's irresponsible of YouTube to let it happen!

Does anyone know how to deal with "Name and Shame Videos"? Have any filipina's been a victim of it? What did you do?

[Arthur Little]

... I'm a bit worried about these "hate videos" frankly I think it's irresponsible of YouTube to let it happen!

It IS irresponsible, ... and ... MORE importantly ... misleading! But it's knowing HOW these 'video nasties' can be outlawed that's the problem!

[stevewool]

Hi Viking! I just want to say that I salute you sir!! I take my hat off to you sir!! You've said that you have experienced scammers in Philippines in the past but still keep a good attitude! I thank you sir!

hi there s true what you say i have been in contact with a beautiful lady may be poor in money , but she is rich in life , never a bad word for anyone , we all could learn form people who are short of cash, but not short of love, steve

[Arthur Little]

Having just this minute responded to someone who I DO believe IS being "taken for the proverbial ride" ... MY gut instinct would be to sever the connection completely.

However, laying aside my [increasingly] "suspicious" thoughts for a moment, I think it's best if you could somehow tactfully broach the subject of your true financial situation in your next communication. In other words, be totally up-front with the girl at this early stage of your online relationship. Put your cards on the table as soon as possible ... so that she's left in no doubt as to where you both stand moneywise. Should her reply express disappointment that you could even consider her to be a scammer, all you need do is reassure her that you'd been simply erring on the side of caution ... having heard of so many cases where "sob stories" have been used to dupe western guys into parting with their hard-earned cash. If her motives ARE, indeed, genuine, then I feel she will accept your explanation.

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

[IanB]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

Arthur, I find these concepts hard to understand in a country where so many people are starving and suffer from lack of health care. I think there are two sets of moral values in the Philippines, one for the rich and one for the poor.

I admit that my experience is meagre in the Philippines, but I have seen nothing that encourages me to think otherwise. Crime is truly outrageous. Government officials treat poor people like ****. doctors and lawyers lie and sell quack medication - or kick sick people onto the streets. Prostitution and rape are common, but asking for a divorce from a man who left you for another woman is considered morally wrong.

Ask for a divorce? You are a bad woman! Ask for money? How immoral! Get sick? A potential scam!

I do not want to offend the many Filipinos out there, because very one I have met has been lovely, decent, and honest. But lets not be blind to the bad things in society over there, and lets NOT impose middle class values on poor people.

[Steve.r]

Arthur, I find these concepts hard to understand in a country where so many people are starving and suffer from lack of health care. I think there are two sets of moral values in the Philippines, one for the rich and one for the poor.

I admit that my experience is meagre in the Philippines, but I have seen nothing that encourages me to think otherwise. Crime is truly outrageous. Government officials treat poor people like ****. doctors and lawyers lie and sell quack medication - or kick sick people onto the streets. Prostitution and rape are common, but asking for a divorce from a man who left you for another woman is considered morally wrong.

Ask for a divorce? You are a bad woman! Ask for money? How immoral! Get sick? A potential scam!

I do not want to offend the many Filipinos out there, because very one I have met has been lovely, decent, and honest. But lets not be blind to the bad things in society over there, and lets NOT impose middle class values on poor people.

Ian,

Not wanting to upset you no no no!!! But your argument on what Arthur has said does not really fit in here. Ok, I also do not have a vast experience, but will tell you of my situation. I am not married to my Mahal yet, we are still courting long distance as many are and do here. My Mahal is exactly as Arthur has described, she has high family and moral values. She works away from her family i n Singapore to support them and works extremely hard for the small money she gets. So many times I have offered to help her, but she will say no, and wants to work out her problems herself. It gives her a greater feeling of achievement and self worth. I think many philippinas are like this.

We hear so much about the scammers and people who want to rip off the so called 'rich westerner' but are these just the few bad apples? We only (generally) hear of the bad statistics... and sh*t sticks.
Are there not just as many scammers here in the Uk?

In this situation above, extreme care must be advised. If you can afford to loose the money she is asking for, take a gamble.....BUT.....laying your cards on the table right off the bat might clear up any misunderstandings that might come up in the future if you stay with her.

Just my thoughts, no offence intended

Steve

[Doc Alan]

Ian,



We hear so much about the scammers and people who want to rip off the so called 'rich westerner' but are these just the few bad apples? We only (generally) hear of the bad statistics... and sh*t sticks.
Are there not just as many scammers here in the Uk?



Steve

I think you're right Steve. The methods for scammers / fraudsters in the UK may be different (tax evasion, benefit, NHS , mortgage, insurance fraud, identity theft) but it cost £30 billion last year ...that's over £600 for every adult in the country

[Florge]

Arthur, I find these concepts hard to understand in a country where so many people are starving and suffer from lack of health care. I think there are two sets of moral values in the Philippines, one for the rich and one for the poor.

I admit that my experience is meagre in the Philippines, but I have seen nothing that encourages me to think otherwise. Crime is truly outrageous. Government officials treat poor people like ****. doctors and lawyers lie and sell quack medication - or kick sick people onto the streets. Prostitution and rape are common, but asking for a divorce from a man who left you for another woman is considered morally wrong.

Ask for a divorce? You are a bad woman! Ask for money? How immoral! Get sick? A potential scam!

I do not want to offend the many Filipinos out there, because very one I have met has been lovely, decent, and honest. But lets not be blind to the bad things in society over there, and lets NOT impose middle class values on poor people.

I am sorry, but I would have to agree with Arthur... poor people in the Philippines are far more decent than most kids here. If and when they scam people out for money, it is because they need to eat... if and when they sell their bodies, it is because they have to survive.. people here scam for money because they need to buy weed, booze and ciggies... Sadly, most people in the phils who scam for money for drugs are not the poor people but mostly the rich and the middle class...

[Pete67]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

Thanks for that Arthur, really clarifies my situation for me...

[aryM]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

I agree to that Sir Arthur...! You are really right.

[Philip]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

In an ideal world this would be the case, but life ain't like that eh!?

........................................................................................................................................

*** A lil post in defense of the genuinely poor pinoys! ***



People are individuals and some people find themselves in situations where money is an ongoing problem.

It's a simple fact that in some cases you're going to have to help them out due to circumstances out of their control. This help may be needed from the very start, or later on, but just because this person is maybe hinting does not make them a scammer.

I helped my future wife out before we even became sweety's heh, she was very poor, but here we are 6 years later happy and together. She's the one helping me now hah, cos now I'm poor cos of sends, pasalubong, visits and visas!

My point is, just because someone hints or outright asks for help does not make them a lesser person, or automatically make them a scammer. They may just actually need some help.

In situations like this you need to trust your instincts and keep an eye out for anything suspicious, as there are obviously a lot of scammers out there, just as there are a lot of genuine people who haven't had that much luck in life.

[Englishman2010]

In an ideal world this would be the case, but life ain't like that eh!?

........................................................................................................................................

*** A lil post in defense of the genuinely poor pinoys! ***



People are individuals and some people find themselves in situations where money is an ongoing problem.

It's a simple fact that in some cases you're going to have to help them out due to circumstances out of their control. This help may be needed from the very start, or later on, but just because this person is maybe hinting does not make them a scammer.

I helped my future wife out before we even became sweety's heh, she was very poor, but here we are 6 years later happy and together. She's the one helping me now hah, cos now I'm poor cos of sends, pasalubong, visits and visas!

My point is, just because someone hints or outright asks for help does not make them a lesser person, or automatically make them a scammer. They may just actually need some help.

In situations like this you need to trust your instincts and keep an eye out for anything suspicious, as there are obviously a lot of scammers out there, just as there are a lot of genuine people who haven't had that much luck in life.

+1

I'm sure most of us western men have had hints dropped and been asked outright. My g/f is poor and doesnt have a job at the moment, she knows that my finances are under scrutiny due to my ongoing divorce so she rarely asks, but when she does, she knows I will give her an interrogation about why she needs it and I'm sure she realises I'm checking to see if she is genuine. Sometimes I will help and other times I wont and sometimes I will help when she's not even asking.

Before I went to the Phil's I was a lot more suspicious of why money was needed because I thought everything would be cheap over there, and of course I was warned to be on my guard for potential scams. Some things are not as cheap as you think they would be, and some items which we take for granted, like toothpaste, shampoo..etc are no cheaper. A little bit of money to me, is a lot of money to her and as long as I'm not treated like an ATM I don't mind helping out within reason.

However, I met my girlfriend in Singapore and not on a dating site. We spent about a week together there, so I already knew a great deal about her when our relationship started. I would probably be a lot more cautious if I had never actually met the girl and had struck up an online friendship.

[Arthur Little]

I would probably be a lot more cautious if I had never actually met the girl ...

... as any SENSIBLE person WOULD be!

... and had struck up an online friendship ...

... when, IMO, it would be to acquiese to such requests, by immediately dipping into one's wallet ... without REALLY knowing anything about the person asking.

[Kju&2]

It's also worth bearing in mind that a girl who is nurtured in accordance with true Filipino family values will NEVER ask for ... nor even drop hints about ... money (especially from someone she's never met!) ... because her inherent sense of moral decency (and, not least, pride) will prevent her from doing so!

I totally agree. "If there's a will there's a way". If she absolutely likes you for who you are, not for however much you can help her financially - she will find a way to get in touch. Hinting financial problems at such an early stage in a relationship is a complete no no to people who has morals regardless of race. We were also struggling financially when we were still in the Philippines but I would not even dare talk about our financial issues to my filipino suitors who were trying to court me at the time in order to get some financial help. Normal people would talk about their financial problems and worries to their family, close friends, or maybe their boss in order to maybe get a much deserved raise but not to people who just happen to like them who are not even in a serious relationship with them yet. That's like meeting someone at a train station and after a few days of flirting and casual chats - them pouring their heart and soul about their financial worries to you and telling you that they can only continue with chatting with you again if you give them a few pounds for their train ticket the next day. I am not saying that all filipinas who talk about their financial worries during the "courting" stage are all opportunists and just after your money but being a filipina, it does make me angry that some women does this to take advantage of some guys and then everyone else including me gets pigeon-holed into scam artists and opportunists because of them.

[KeithD]

When you work out how much wifey has cost you, you wish you'd been scammed it's cheaper

[Englishman2010]

When you work out how much wifey has cost you, you wish you'd been scammed it's cheaper

Absolutely, when I work out how much money I have wasted on my ex-wife over the years, giving a little bit to my Filipina g/f every now and then is a drop in the ocean.

I'm new to this, I only met my g/f last September, but fortunately had friends who warned me to be on my guard and to expect strong hints or even requests for help, some of which may not be genuine. I made it quite clear from day 1 that I am going through a divorce, and all of my assets and income are under close scrutiny, therefore I can't part with my cash as questions will be asked. That did the trick for me.

I do help out a little bit, when its not expected, but not if I'm asked. If she says needs a flight, I will book the flight for her, that way I know the money is being used for its intended purpose.

I think that requests for 100 USD or GBP arent part of any organised scam, its just poor people trying to get enough money for food or shelter. There is always a nagging doubt, wether they genuinely love you or just your money. But as I said, I made it clear from day 1, and after 5 months and an hour chatting on line every day mine still calls me up, so I'm happy that she is genuine, although me being a westerner will possibly give her some financial security one day.

But who can blame the Filipina's for trying it on and asking their b/f for money - as i said I wasted a fortune on my ex wife and had the worst time of my life. At least I'm happy with my Filipina.

[joebloggs]

When you work out how much wifey has cost you, you wish you'd been scammed it's cheaper

a scammer is not for life, but a wife is

[Arthur Little]

a scammer is not for life, but a wife is

... that's a humorous way of looking at it, Joe ... takes a bit of the "heat" out of an otherwise ... ... [shall I say?] somewhat fiery debate!

[South-east boy]

I had some similar things mentioned when I was still in contact with Suzie. She didn't say about not being able to afford to keep in contact, but said things like she had bad wisdom toothache, but couldn't afford to get it looked at, once said that the family were in trouble with money (her dad had died not too long before), she needed a fancy dress for her work do and can't wear something that she has worn before etc. I don't doubt that these were true, but whether she was hinting to see if I'd give her something or not, I don't know. Also what sh would have said, if I had offered money, I don't know. But she had said that she was ashamed to have said to me about the family being in trouble with money etc. I didn't send her anything as I hadn't met her, but I did send her a couple of text loads (so she could text me) and a lot of stuff for Xmas and Birthday & then it turned out a Danish guy had gone to stay with her & her family a few days after Xmas!

[LadyJ]

a scammer is not for life, but a wife is

Backstabber...Poor Mrs Joe

Dont worry Joe your wife has a professional job now and you can just sit ur down and put your feet up and let Mrs Joe work harder until she pays all the visa fees u paid

[keithAngel]

Backstabber...Poor Mrs Joe

Dont worry Joe your wife has a professional job now and you can just sit ur down and put your feet up and let Mrs Joe work harder until she pays for your visa

Do you know where Mrs Joe has decided to send him?

[keithAngel]

Hi folks,

I haven't posted for a little while, but I wonder if you wise guys and gals could give me some advice. I have been in contact with a lovely Filipina for about a month now and having experienced scammers in the past, normally know the signs. Now she is not asking for money or anything like that, however, she has hinted at outstanding bills and not having enough money to stay in regular contact.

I want to politely make it clear that I am not going to assist her financially, certainly not at this early stage. However, I also think that she is just telling me as it is for her, so I don't want to ruin what might be the start of a real relationship.

So how do I nicely deal with the (possible) hints, or do I simply ignore them. If she is trying a scam, I would rather get to know now and move on. However, I also don't want to be worrying going forward that I have spoilt something because of being overly suspicious. I hope that you will understand my conundrum. How do I get the elephant out of the room?

Thanks in advance.

There is a big difference in simply telling the truth i.e. "I am poor and dont always have a spare 200 piso a week for the internet cafe" and my carabous leg has fallen off scamming and you are the one who is in the best position to assess at what stage of contact you are at!!

If I were talking to a really interesting friend who stimulated me and had become an important part of my life etc but they happened to be poor I might consider sending a little net money it would depend on such things as how long Ive known them how often we talk and what I feel about them.

I myself do not subscribe to "a good Filipna would rather die than ask for help" version niether would I be stupid, trust your own feelings in this and look at it from the others shoes.

[IainBusby]

There is a big difference in simply telling the truth i.e. "I am poor and dont always have a spare 200 piso a week for the internet cafe" and my carabous leg has fallen off scamming and you are the one who is in the best position to assess at what stage of contact you are at!!

If I were talking to a really interesting friend who stimulated me and had become an important part of my life etc but they happened to be poor I might consider sending a little net money it would depend on such things as how long Ive known them how often we talk and what I feel about them.

I myself do not subscribe to "a good Filipna would rather die than ask for help" version niether would I be stupid, trust your own feelings in this and look at it from the others shoes.

About £25 to £30 a month at present exchange rates would be enough money to be able go to the web cafe every day including jeepney rides there and back.