is there such a perfect relationship?

[-sillybilly-]

I think im just getting a bit stress with all these long distance relationship/marriage. Things are not the same anymore which i thought its going to be much closer and dedicated since we got married. But i was wrong. As soon as hes got over with his loneliness he has left things for the last minute and would concentrate more with other stuff which really me off!

He cried like a baby when he was leaving me at the airport, chat and texted me all the time on his early days back in the uk. Telling me how happy he is for having such a wonderful family, great holiday and wedding and for having me in his life. and now its the other way round, i have to tell him that i am online and missing him.

Or is it just me that im bored and i think of silly things?

I love my husband and i know he loves me ( if not he wouldnt come to marry me ) But since were not together he makes himself busy specially with his hobby. I sometimes think its getting too much and he couldnt control himself. And he forgets me...he goes online to this website till late and wont even bother to say he is online until i find out. ( means, he doesnt wonna chat?)
And when i start to question him he starts getting angry and defensive. And feels like im accussing him.
Was it wrong asking him?

All i want is to be his priority before he does something else. I dont mind but sometimes he waste money for his hobby when he knows we got stuff to pay in the future. I just dont wonna say anything ( hes old enough to realize that). but it really drives me and all i can do is sit here and wait...

I really dont know what is happening and dont know whats his priority. I did try to remind him and spoke to him about that but he just told me that he knows whats hes doing and he knows his priorities....(yeah right).

I sit here all day thinking of him when kids are in school, i make sure i send him a text and email him at work. Ask him if hes ok. wishing he have a good day in work. i dont have friends here to go out with, i stick my head on the internet not to get bored. Been so honest and dedicated and this is what i get.
I dont know if this is just happening to me.
But i hope im not going .

[James Hubbard]

Ok,

so from what I can tell, your issue is that you are in a Long Distance Relationship with your husband, but you feel that he is less intense with your relationship now than he was when he was in the Philippines.

I hope I understood correctly.


Ok, I have a few points to make

(1) I completely understand where you're coming from. It's completely natural for you to feel this way, and I know the utok unravels when in a Long Distance Relationship.

(2) It's normal for a couple to be different when they are in the Vacation stage when he will come to see you there, of course you'll be together all the time, and lots of talk talk talk and ... but


(3) He's back to his normal life now. Work, Bills, Demands, Stress.... it's hard for him now, he's not on vacation, and he's probably having a hard time, but he's doing it for you


Thoughts on his hobby time .... and silence


(1) He's taking more of an interest in his hobbies because he misses you. It's a displacement activity - but as long as his hobby is a constructive one, and harms no-one, then let him do it, and encourage him. He needs it.

(2) Men need their alone quiet time. We get headaches if our woman just wants to talk talk talk talk... especially right after work, oh gosh, how we hate to hear chatter ....

He will chat to you, and he still LOVES you, but ... you gotta remember that a man has needs!

So just be sensitive to him

I assume that he's still a great husband in every other way??!

JH

[-sillybilly-]

Thank you James...it was a very detailed and good advise. Now i understand...never thought he would wonna have a time on his own as his been on his own since i left Uk.
Sorry i just sometimes gets paranoid being neglected but i never question him about anything else like women...its just his hobby. I didnt wonna think that his hobby is ruining our relationship but i try to support him all the way as i know its part of his life.

So maybe im just being silly...and .

[James Hubbard]

Don't worry about it, enjoy your breakfast!

[stevewool]

i think james had made a few good points there to others too, once we are here in england life is so stressfull for us trying to live here bills and so on and trying to sort our partners out over there too, i cannot understand what people think about how great it will bein england , work , bills , stress, weather, more bills, horible people , traffic,and more bills, welcome to our world of stress, not always milk and honey

[malditako]

very well said james...i got the same issues before with hubby but talking about it with him would be the best thing to do to say what u feel and to listen to his side...being here in the uk makes more sense to me and understand hubby more..its seems that people need more few hours to complete a day..not enough time to relax even u just staying at home..

[IainBusby]

i think james had made a few good points there to others too, once we are here in england life is so stressfull for us trying to live here bills and so on and trying to sort our partners out over there too, i cannot understand what people think about how great it will bein england , work , bills , stress, weather, more bills, horible people , traffic,and more bills, welcome to our world of stress, not always milk and honey

When were in Phils we are happy to go along with "Filipino Time" because were on vacation, time doesn't seem to matter too much and there's plenty of time to sit and chat etc, but when we are back in the UK we revert to "Greenwich Mean Time" and then time matters so much more because quite often, there doesn't seem to be enough hours in a day to fit everything in.

[LEAHnew]

Hi Clarise you're not alone I felt that before...and yes James said it all
It's hard in LDR but we have to be strong, more understanding and loads of patience
Hey sis why not divert your attention beat me in Mindjolt game Three Tower Solitaire or play Plants vs. Zombies

keep smiling

[Ross]

there are no such perfect nor unperfect relationship it all balance really ..its up for one or both of you to do the best you can to kept the love alive

[-sillybilly-]

Hi Clarise you're not alone I felt that before...and yes James said it all
It's hard in LDR but we have to be strong, more understanding and loads of patience
Hey sis why not divert your attention beat me in Mindjolt game Three Tower Solitaire or play Plants vs. Zombies

keep smiling

Hi Leah! Thanks. Thats the problem i never got into pc games. sometimes i just cant help my emotions and be silly.

[bornatbirth]

its strange but when your back in the uk and leave your wife behind while she waits for the visa, it can seem like your still single.

why not tell him how you feel, try not to make it sound like nagging then im sure he will make time for you.

[-sillybilly-]

its strange but when your back in the uk and leave your wife behind while she waits for the visa, it can seem like your still single.

why not tell him how you feel, try not to make it sound like nagging then im sure he will make time for you.

Ive tried...but he said he doesnt wonna talk about it as he knows it was his fault. And he tries to get away from it by talking about his hobby again. If i continue talking about it he would log off and not talk to me anymore. and next morning hes fine as if nothing happened. So what do i do? Pretend that everything is now okay and yes hes got away from it again.
Do u guys do that? I always expect a sorry from him being an but he never did. So i mostly keep it with me unsaid. i sulk myself without him knowing. I know it really sounds pathetic but i hope you guys wouldnt think that i am. To be honest i dont have friends to go out with and to talk with. i have been away for more than 4 years and i never have any communications with my old friends. Its not the same when you're not togther. When we were together we could sort things out, talk about the problem, but now its the fear of loosing each other if i go any further. So here i am and wants to listen and read in every opinion you have as i know you do have some experiences that you could share to me.
Dont be shy to let me know if i need to see a brain doctor . I will apreciate that

[-sillybilly-]

there are no such perfect nor unperfect relationship it all balance really ..its up for one or both of you to do the best you can to kept the love alive

But i noticed that most women should be the more understanding with their men.

[IainBusby]

Ive tried...but he said he doesnt wonna talk about it as he knows it was his fault. And he tries to get away from it by talking about his hobby again

As long as his hobby isn't chasing other women I wouldn't worry too much about it.

[bornatbirth]

maybe you keep coming across as nagging and hes getting fed up with it and logs off?,

send him a email and take your time to write it explaining how you feel?

sometimes women can sound like a stuck record and guys need time to adjust to having a wife and it really doesnt feel like your married when your still apart, also chatting on yahoo can get boring with nothing new to chat about!

[Ross]

But i noticed that most women should be the more understanding with their men.

i exactly know how you feel believe me..it wil come on time that you gonna laugh what have you both done in the past and say am i like that or do i react like that its all part of marriage life..you maybe ahead of me a year of age but i know how you felt..i exactly on that phase months ago and now i have a new bad feeling and problems but hey we cant stop life crazy isnt it lol..everday is a challenge weather you are with you husband or not..problems and misunderstanding does arise..so hang your feet and kept smiling..all are part of human emotion and as you or both grwo older which u are both same as others..we learn and make us tough for the coming storm..or was a crazy human emotion imylsef got headeache and mis problem now that i am in the UK lol same as i was away in my huisband while im in the Philippines...

[-sillybilly-]

As long as his hobby isn't chasing other women I wouldn't worry too much about it.

i dont think hes up to chasing women...he believes in karma and hes had loads of experienced and wouldnt wonna encounter it again. I hope so.

[-sillybilly-]

maybe you keep coming across as nagging and hes getting fed up with it and logs off?,

send him a email and take your time to write it explaining how you feel?

sometimes women can sound like a stuck record and guys need time to adjust to having a wife and it really doesnt feel like your married when your still apart, also chatting on yahoo can get boring with nothing new to chat about!

If i do that it will ruin his day and wouldnt chat to me until he has cooled off his mind.

i may sound like Ronnie or Denise from eastenders but i never nagged ( promise!)...i dont know how to do that. Im a quiet person...and if i wonna talk about it he wouldnt wonna listen so why waste my time. I'd rather shut up and keep it to myself.

[Arthur Little]

But i noticed that most women should be the more understanding with their men.

... it "cuts" BOTH ways, Clarice!!

[malditako]

Ive tried...but he said he doesnt wonna talk about it as he knows it was his fault. And he tries to get away from it by talking about his hobby again. If i continue talking about it he would log off and not talk to me anymore. and next morning hes fine as if nothing happened. So what do i do? Pretend that everything is now okay and yes hes got away from it again.
Do u guys do that? I always expect a sorry from him being an but he never did. So i mostly keep it with me unsaid. i sulk myself without him knowing. I know it really sounds pathetic but i hope you guys wouldnt think that i am. To be honest i dont have friends to go out with and to talk with. i have been away for more than 4 years and i never have any communications with my old friends. Its not the same when you're not togther. When we were together we could sort things out, talk about the problem, but now its the fear of loosing each other if i go any further. So here i am and wants to listen and read in every opinion you have as i know you do have some experiences that you could share to me.
Dont be shy to let me know if i need to see a brain doctor . I will apreciate that

it may not be a good advice but somehow it might work...dont get attach to him too much. make yourself busy with other things rather than thinking and waiting for ur hubby to give u time...stop doing the things u do to him for a while like frequent texting or call...pass a day or two..just answer his text or call but don't take initiative to do first...in short deal with him the way he deals with you...if he refused to listen to you about what you feel then stop telling him but rather do some actions that would make him sit down and talk about your sentiments...action speaks rather than words

[liane]

Each and everyone had gone through that stage- I myself still feel that sometimes no matter how hard I tried to be as understanding, patient and mature as I can be.

As we all know, LDR is a bit difficult. When hubby returned to UK he explained that his time will be divided doing other things and I understand that he can't just sit all day in front of the computer as he needs to make a living.

Things will be better when you're together so cheer up

[rani]

just dont play bad thoughts on your mind... stop nagging him coz it will just harm your marriage i've been there, done that and i've learned my lesson... so keep yourself busy, stay calm, relax and be pretty

[stevewool]

ts not nagging when all you want is a little time , one on one sort of thing , you say hes into a hobby, what is that then ???he should make time for you, differant times each day or week and then ask how you are , but we are all differant like lots say on here , good luck

[purple]

I think im just getting a bit stress with all these long distance relationship/marriage. Things are not the same anymore which i thought its going to be much closer and dedicated since we got married. But i was wrong. As soon as hes got over with his loneliness he has left things for the last minute and would concentrate more with other stuff which really me off!

He cried like a baby when he was leaving me at the airport, chat and texted me all the time on his early days back in the uk. Telling me how happy he is for having such a wonderful family, great holiday and wedding and for having me in his life. and now its the other way round, i have to tell him that i am online and missing him.

Or is it just me that im bored and i think of silly things?

I love my husband and i know he loves me ( if not he wouldnt come to marry me ) But since were not together he makes himself busy specially with his hobby. I sometimes think its getting too much and he couldnt control himself. And he forgets me...he goes online to this website till late and wont even bother to say he is online until i find out. ( means, he doesnt wonna chat?)
And when i start to question him he starts getting angry and defensive. And feels like im accussing him.
Was it wrong asking him?

All i want is to be his priority before he does something else. I dont mind but sometimes he waste money for his hobby when he knows we got stuff to pay in the future. I just dont wonna say anything ( hes old enough to realize that). but it really drives me and all i can do is sit here and wait...

I really dont know what is happening and dont know whats his priority. I did try to remind him and spoke to him about that but he just told me that he knows whats hes doing and he knows his priorities....(yeah right).

I sit here all day thinking of him when kids are in school, i make sure i send him a text and email him at work. Ask him if hes ok. wishing he have a good day in work. i dont have friends here to go out with, i stick my head on the internet not to get bored. Been so honest and dedicated and this is what i get.
I dont know if this is just happening to me.
But i hope im not going .

I know how you feel, been there and that. I think you are just missing him and you do not have any diversion. Why not get a homebased job like I do if you don't have friends to go out with. Or enroll at a gym and focus your energies to something productive. There must be other reasons for your husband like missing you and don't want to nurture that sad feeling. Keep your hopes up!

[-sillybilly-]

I know how you feel, been there and that. I think you are just missing him and you do not have any diversion. Why not get a homebased job like I do if you don't have friends to go out with. Or enroll at a gym and focus your energies to something productive. There must be other reasons for your husband like missing you and don't want to nurture that sad feeling. Keep your hopes up!

Thank u my love! so appreciate your thoughts. Im glad im not the only one going through...lots have been through so that means im not

Thank you so much!

[-sillybilly-]

ts not nagging when all you want is a little time , one on one sort of thing , you say hes into a hobby, what is that then ???he should make time for you, differant times each day or week and then ask how you are , but we are all differant like lots say on here , good luck

Hes into photography steve! I understand and support him but sometimes it gets too much and pay much. And thats what burns my head off.
And when I was in the UK he aint got his full attention on it which i really prefer. Hes all mine! but since were not together i even encourage him to do so but it just gets too much over the roof and would not realized whats he'd missed!
I admit that i want to see him and chat with him like everynight before he sleep and before i start my day but now im learning to accept that it cant be like that all the time.
I hate LDR, seriously and specially with the time difference.
Now i know some people have been through my situation. Im glad ive open up this topic as its been bugging me and torturing my brainy.

[Arthur Little]

As 'purple' urges ... keep your chin up, and try not to feel BLUE!

[-sillybilly-]

As 'purple' urges ... keep your chin up, and try not to feel BLUE!

Thanks Sir Arthur!

[pennybarry]

Been there and husband done that. I was shocked when saw him crying as I knew he was in the Royal army. He cried everytime we're at the airport. It's a sad place for both of us.

I just kept myself busy in making money in the Philippines, and time came, after few years we're together now.

There's no such perfect relationship. I have a friend whom I helped to marry a british and when she came over, she said they have perfect relationship and trying to envy me and said I only live with in-laws, and said my husband seems snobbish etc. She even told me that her husband is perfect, never had arguement with her.

But after a year of stay here, she found out her husband living with somebody. I'm not sure if she got ILR but they both left their council house here and heard nothing anymore. Maybe a TNT now.

If you feel you need to say something, say it in good timing and calm down but never shy to give your opinion and tell what you feel about his wrongdoing.

[-sillybilly-]

Been there and husband done that. I was shocked when saw him crying as I knew he was in the Royal army. He cried everytime we're at the airport. It's a sad place for both of us.

I just kept myself busy in making money in the Philippines, and time came, after few years we're together now.

There's no such perfect relationship. I have a friend whom I helped to marry a british and when she came over, she said they have perfect relationship and trying to envy me and said I only live with in-laws, and said my husband seems snobbish etc. She even told me that her husband is perfect, never had arguement with her.

But after a year of stay here, she found out her husband living with somebody. I'm not sure if she got ILR but they both left their council house here and heard nothing anymore. Maybe a TNT now.

If you feel you need to say something, say it in good timing and calm down but never shy to give your opinion and tell what you feel about his wrongdoing.

Thank you ate Penny!
That is one thing that i couldnt do...showing off and pretending that im a happy person in a perfect relationship which is really not. And this is why im here. I know there'll be good and bad but sometimes when i know its too much i ask for help and advise. Who knows i might be wrong or not. But atleast i had gather some thoughts before i say something or make some actions before i regret at the end of the day. Im sick of being childish, spoiled little cow, tantrums when i dont get what i want. This is my second marriage and i want it to work.
But there are times that i feel like im running out patience so sometimes i needed to speak up but no body is free to listen....and thats one thing thats frustrates me and i couldnt even express my feelings to my husband because he knows he was right and im the one being silly and stupid.
So i end up apologizing just not to make things worst.
I know theres a few in this forum who has been through what im having but im glad they understand. The paranoia, the loneliness, the missing, bored and all that lot. Im happy that its not just me.
Thank you ever so much!