Any advice before getting married?

[purple]

Hi all,

I have known some people here and I am really glad that I have met friends through this forum who have been sincere and kind.

In the next few days, if there is given enough time, me and my fiance are getting married. It has been always planned though I have only known him for 6 months. I know he loves me because he has been back and forth here in the Phils. 4 times. He even stayed here for 5 days when he got off from work just to be with me, and I really appreciate that. He is a good man and we get along really well. I truly love him.

We are planning on getting married this Monday or Tuesday. No big celebration, not even a reception. I am still even thinking if who will get to be the witness for the marriage ceremony at the city hall. I need two witnesses according to the law of getting married here in Phils. I've talked to the judge who will facilitate the marriage already. Nothing special at all. The plan is just me, him and two witnesses (which I need to look for as most of my friends will be working).

The thing is that I am accustomed to the life of just being myself. I am a single mother and been working and supporting myself and kids alone. Embarking to marriage life and having a family in the very near future will surely affect the situation of my own children from past relationship. I do not want my fiance (soon to be husband) to part take anything with my children as I don't want the whole thing to be an issue that will cause in the future. I know he cares for me, but my children from my previous relationship is something that we never discussed. He is aware of my children and wants "us" to have when we are settled (he plans to move here in Phils.)

I am now confused whether I should openly talk about it to him. Having a role as a wife is not an easy task. It is a matter of sacrificing and choosing priorities. Looking ahead, I do not want any of my children to be put in a circumstance where in they will be compromised. I have worked hard and never thought that I would be in this situation as I never had any plans on getting married at all. I was genuinely happy living as a single mum.

Hope anyone here can enlighten my mind, specially from filipina wives who have done so much for their "now" family.

Thanks.

[Englishman2010]

This is something I have often thought about myself, albeit in slightly different circumstances because I am a man. When my wife and I separated a couple of years ago, I decided that I would never marry again or even have a serious relationship because my kids were my priority and nothing would come between me and them, I would forsake my own future happiness to protect them.
However, that wasn't the case. I ended up falling in love with my ex g/f and would have done anything to make her happy, and I realised that I could still love my kids and protect them even if things had been different with my ex.
You say that you love your fiance and he loves you. Are you having these doubts out of maternal protection for your kids or because you aren't sure if you really love your fiance? If he really loves you, he will accept your kids and love them too. Sure he won't be their natural father, but that doesnt mean he cant love them as they are part of you and your life.
Regarding their upbringing and maybe even disciplining them, you should have the ultimate say as you are their mother, and I personally would feel uneasy about getting involved in something like that.
The only way you are going to resolve these questions is to have serious heart to heart and be completely honest about your fears and wishes.
If the real reason is that you aren't sure if you do love him and aren't sure about getting married at this time, don't do it. I got married out of obligation, not because I wanted to, looking back it was unfair on both me and my ex-wife and I should have been strong enough to say NO or to ask for a bit more time.
6 months isn't that long to know someone, and if you do need longer, say something before it's too late. If your fiance really does love you, he will understand. He might be a little bit hurt for a while, but he will wait for you if he is genuine, but only providing you are completely honest now.
It's difficult to give advice on something like this as I'm no expert, but my gut instinct would be to follow your heart and not your head.
Whatever you do, do it for you and no one else, dont be pressurised into anything yoyu don't really want.
Good luck

[stevewool]

your partner knows you have children already so whats the problem, he should take them as he is taking you to treat them as his own if they are young enough and are wanting that too, it all takes time to get to know each other , 6 months is no time to commit and then may have to leave your children think hard and talk to him not us about what it is you are wanting , good luck

[purple]

thanks so much for the advice Englishman and steve. Decisions in life can be quite tough, specially if it involves long term commitment.

[-sillybilly-]

Hey I can be one of your witness! Where do you live? Im free anytime everyday....

With regards to your situation i fully understand because ive been through it. From single mum, supporting the kids on your own, reponsibilties and duties are only focused with kids.....but when you sit down and think about yourself....life isnt complete! We get old, your kids will grow old and will have their own life soon. Then what? You're stuck on your own..no body to annoy.....i mean you will need someone beside you when you get old and someone that will help you out in life.

Im sure if he loves you he will accept your kids and he will treat them just like his real kids... like my husband now..he doesnt want another baby because hes now have my kids too.

And it makes the kids really happy to have a complete family and to be proud of, they have someone to call daddy...and someone to guard them from harm and mostly the father's love.

Dont think of the negative side...weve heard of the unfortunate ones but life aint easy anyways. So if you want happiness you try to make the effort to be happy and willing to sacrifice everything not only for your sake but for your children's sake aswel..we all take the risks!

Goodluck and God bless!
Stop the worries now as your topgun is on its way!

[aposhark]

Hi purple,

If he loves you he will surely look after your kids and treat them with love and respect as if they are his own.

When you have any children together in the future, he will want a happy family as you do.

Be open and honest about everything before and after marriage, this surely is what marriage means.

There will be good and bad days in marriage, but if you have any bad days, keep working at it and communicating as much as possible

Best of luck with your marriage

[purple]

love you all guys, truly it helps. with few hours to think. Maybe I am just getting cold feet.

Yes I truly love him and I cannot imagine living life without him.

I live here in Talisay City, Cebu sillybilly. I hope you are around here somewhere. as I was talking to my cousin earlier, she said that we do not need witnesses since we are old enough. I think otherwise.

Feel so great to be part of this forum.

[stevie c]

Hi purple im sure your soon to be husband wiil love & take care of your children if he knows about your children im sure he realises that you & your children come as a package & therefore he really needs to show them the love & care they deserve

[purple]

Hi purple im sure your soon to be husband wiil love & take care of your children if he knows about your children im sure he realises that you & your children come as a package & therefore he really needs to show them the love & care they deserve

Hi steve,
yes he knows about my children and have met them everytime he comes to phils.
my only concern is by the time when we have a children of our own. it will make me choose between looking after my new family or work for living for my children from my previous relationship. surely it is not something I can juggle up together as I need to have priorities.
about him accepting my kids is not the issue. it is about me setting priorities really.
it is different when one is already married.
thanks for the advices, would appreciate any opinions.

[-sillybilly-]

love you all guys, truly it helps. with few hours to think. Maybe I am just getting cold feet.

Yes I truly love him and I cannot imagine living life without him.

I live here in Talisay City, Cebu sillybilly. I hope you are around here somewhere. as I was talking to my cousin earlier, she said that we do not need witnesses since we are old enough. I think otherwise.

Feel so great to be part of this forum.

Sorry Purple im here in Pangasinan....
Need to get a bus and travel 5 hours to Manila and need to swim or fly to get to your place. It will take me a very long while so i cant make it!

Goodluck and wish you all the best!

[sars_notd_virus]

yes he knows about my children and have met them everytime he comes to phils.
my only concern is by the time when we have a children of our own. it will make me choose between looking after my new family or work for living for my children from my previous relationship. surely it is not something I can juggle up together as I need to have priorities.
about him accepting my kids is not the issue. it is about me setting priorities really.
it is different when one is already married.

Hi Purple
My assumption is that you've already talked about religion, having kids, your kids, plans for the future ..your past etc. with your husband to be so, communication is the key to any healthy realationship, as well as putting an effort to make it work...dont worry about your priorities becoz your priorities will also be his priorities eventually ...work as a team,
and start with a clean sheet...you'll be fine dear..best wishes!!!

[English Rose]

I am retired and have been on my own for many years. Here in England, people my age go in for Living Together Apart - where each partner has their own house but they spend as much time with each other as they want. Having a Filipino bf doesn't give you that option though. I also wonder if I can adjust to having someone else living in my house etc. The key to success is to discuss everything with your fiance. English men are used to talking about relationship issues, so don't soldier on alone, worrying. It's important to talk about the children before you get married in case you find you've got completely different views on the subject. You'll take time to adjust to married life, but you can do it!

[malditako]

i fully understand your situation..although he knows about your children and for sure he knows what he is facing in the future in raising your kids i believe it is always better to sit down and talk about it..at least u know what to expect and he knows what he is getting into rather than just go in the flows

[purple]

Hi Purple
My assumption is that you've already talked about religion, having kids, your kids, plans for the future ..your past etc. with your husband to be so, communication is the key to any healthy realationship, as well as putting an effort to make it work...dont worry about your priorities becoz your priorities will also be his priorities eventually ...work as a team,
and start with a clean sheet...you'll be fine dear..best wishes!!!

Hi SNV thanks so much. yes your assumption is correct.
it is a good thing that people here who gives valuable advices are people with big minds who talks ideas. thank you so much.

[aposhark]

Honesty is the best policy

[sars_notd_virus]

Hi SNV thanks so much. yes your assumption is correct.
it is a good thing that people here who gives valuable advices are people with big minds who talks ideas. thank you so much.

my pleasure dear...stay happy