A man goes into a hardware store and asks for the price of 4"x2"(inch) timber...The assistant says I`m sorry but under the new EEC regs, we are no longer allowed to call it 4"x2"...but 100x50mm`s....ok,ok, says the man, how much is the 100x50mm timber then....the assistant replies...£1.00 a foot.
A scouser walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really
rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is £200,000 a year plus a generous pension scheme"
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it
Removed..A bit out of order!!
She is in the kitchen preparing breakfast.
He walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this very Moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to making breakfast
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?
She: "The egg timer's broken."
He: "Bitch, you know I don't like my eggs soft boiled !"
What more can you say
A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to England. He stops
The first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. English man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am polish."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in England!"
The person says, "I not English, I am from Croatia."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not
English!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?"
She says, "No, I am from Iraq!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English people?"
The Iraq lady checks her watch and says...
"Probably at work."
oi..somebodys bored
btw, those nun's photo is funny
There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
Wonderful collection Fred.
Here's my small contribution.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQJj0tKECrk
Al.
Thanks Al..
Its about time someone gave me a hand!!
This frog is HARD!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pCLDVvUoAE
Want one of these?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRzaWfaeAHQ
How to get a man to wash his hands.
simply, get tap on and wash his hands with soap and water. Nice picture. I wonder where on earth could find that comfort room. Have you been there?
You have obviously never visited a gents in the pig n whistle.simply, get tap on and wash his hands with soap and water.
I wish!!Have you been there?
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