Against All Odds

[Makeitreal]

First, I wanna commend everyone here for the job well done. This site is great and very helpful as I've gone over with previous posts and advises given. And will appreciate any advise you can provide me for things that are bugging me now. :(

This started since I've met my English bf. We started getting to know each other online til we've met in person. Oh and btw, I'm a Filipina. . Have introduced him to all my friends, my family and relatives and all went well when he was here. Everyone was pleased except to one of my family members, my big bro. Well, I never disregarded the fact that not all will be pleased though. So in short, he's against my English bf. I could say, my big bro has been hassling me eversince I was in college. He was so strict that he didn't want me to have a bf yet but it didn't bother me as being a nun wasn't my vocation . Well, I got preggy without marrying my ex bf and that made him almost cursed me and stressed it out that I brought shame to the family, a Black sheep would probably be the best term. I realised he was saying that to protect me and hope the best for me. I appreciate the way he cares for me although the words from him were hitting my bones but I know and accepted my mistakes. Well, so much about the past, he's now bugging me again for having a foreigner bf. It just hurts me so much now that he wants to empower me and manipulate my personal life. As if I have no longer the right to love someone and just look after my son instead. I love my bf so much, he knew about this and he's giving me full moral support and encouragement not just to give up because of this person. I have no right to get mad or angry with my bro as no matter what, we still are bro and sis but I love my bf though and I just couldn't easily give him up. This might be an easy prob for others but for me, I'm having a hard time to sort this out. Everyone's maybe aware of how Filipino culture works especially when it comes to family tie and the family type is quite conservative. Darn, it really gives me headache of what to do, how to sort it out, how to explain things to my bro and how he can befriend to my bf. It has nothing to do with my bf, it has something to do with me and my bro! I presumed that my bro thought LDR mostly doesn't work or it works but a 50-50% chance or he doesn't really want foreigners. Hmmm, I would like to think he really cares for me but isn't he becoming over protective? Funny thoughts but it's making me sick

[raynaputi]

Hi Makeitreal and welcome to the forum. I just have a few questions..

- how old are u, ur bf and ur bro? I know age doesn't matter when it comes to love but there really are some who can't accept a big age gap..
- have you asked your brother why he doesn't like your current bf? Coz u would never know the real reasons unless u ask him..
- does he have a family of his own or is he still single? It's natural for a brother to care and be overly protective of his sister. but most people who already have relationships of their own would understand situations like this because they can imagine and put themselves in the same situation to understand it clearly..

These are just some points u need to know/consider in finding answers.. but u need to ask him his real problems towards ur bf so u can understand him and at the same time make compromises or solutions to it..

[sars_notd_virus]

hello Makeitreal welcome here

I dont understand why ur brother has got something to do with ur relationship,we all made mistakes and its not the end of the world to change and move on. As a concervative filipina in a concervative family means being brought up with good manners and knows the moral and good values of life and it doesnt include that they need to choose or interfere with your decision on relationships/marriage someday,..
I hope u know by now that marriage is a major thing ,a lifetime commitment,someone to spend the rest of ur life with,and if u choose that ur family or ur brother decides on this ,..a lot of problems will arise and will make your life miserable.

my advice:

''Do whatever makes u happy!!!'',..let ur family,especially ur brother know that you still love them and when u need an advice or support they will be the first to know,..tell them that u also want to build your own family someday and be a legacy to ur future kids.

Mari

[tomboo]

He is doing what any caring member thinks but often keeps to themselves. When i met my girl there were 2 people i worried most about meeting, my girls father and brother. Everyone else made me feel welcome, those two seemed distant and protective of her. I made a point of going out of my way to talk to them, to be in their company and win over their confidence.Im sure he would be just as protective if your bf was a local "bad boy" he would be weary, and lets face is, not all foreign boyfriends are their visiting phils with only good intent, to some its a game about getting the girl into bed.then leaving. talk to him, tell him about the good things about your bf, reassure him you wont be rushing into anything without it being right, Try to understand why he feels like that. Sounds like your bf is an understanding guy,be patient

[Makeitreal]

Thanks guys! Well, I would say we have a big age gap (with my bf) but he's not in his 50s yet. I'm in late 20s now. My bro has his own family though. Just like tomboo mentioned, my bro thinks that not all foreign boyfriends are visiting phils with only good intent, and he even thinks that it's only a game about getting the girl into bed, then leave. I don't blame him for thinking that, it really happens. But in our case, I'm 99.9% that my bf is genuine and sincere. Thing is, my bro is in a Western country now and I think he has the reason to think negatively as he might have seen more of the worst situations which I believe though is unfair for my bf to be judged in such a way. If time will come that I have to choose, I'll definitely choose my bf. It's just sad to know that one of my fam members isn't happy for us. He's the only big bro I have but I find it hard for him to understand that I need to have a life of my own. I had explained things to him but didn't bother to accept even a single word from me. He was too angry about it :(

[dontpushme]

Hey Makeitreal! You know what? That's actuallynot too wide an age gap. And if you think about it, the only person whose opinions matter is yourself. If, from the bottom of your heart, you believe that there's nothing wrong with your relationship or with your man, noone has the right to try and make you change your mind. Your brother can sulk or yell or threaten all he wants. It's not his life he's trying to ruin but yours. I hope you never have to choose between the family you grew up with and the man you'd like to spend your life with. But if push comes to shove, just remember that you're an adult and your brother's gonna have to learn to treat you like one.

I don't think you should keep trying to explain to your brother. It sounds like you've tried a few times already and it may be like talking to a brick wall. You'll just have to show him how happy you are. It may be time to let actions speak louder than words. If your brother didn't give your man a chance when they met face to face, he's not gonna do it now that he's far away.

I'm sure your brother means well, but it's high time he allow you to be the adult that you are. That's something a lot of Filipinos/Filipinas have a tough time swallowing. We're all raised to put our family's opinions first. But if you live your life choosing what they want for you instead of what you want for yourself, you're never gonna be happy. Besides, all that matters is that you found a good man, right? He's loving, supportive, doesn't mind that you've got a kid already, is willing to follow you to the ends of the earth (or to the Philippines, at least), wants to learn more about your culture, and he tried his hardest to get your family to like him. Don't you think you deserve that kind of man?

I hope your brother comes around soon.

[raynaputi]

i completely agree with dontpushme..at the end of the day, it's still your decision and your happiness that matters..they are not the ones living your life..they are just your audience..you can welcome advices/suggestions/criticisms but it's still your life

[ghee101]

welcome to the forum, makeitreal! how should we call you, it's kinda long

well, if you ask me...you are the one spending your future with someone. family will still be family but your brother has to understand that you have a life of your own and whatever you do, you are not to blame others but yourself, you're not a kid anymore.

the problem with your brother is the same i have with my mom, she's old school. separated women dont have rights to love again in her world. she looks down on US when we entertain suitors it's hard but sometimes i tell her, im not like her who chose to stay alone after my father died even if she had a lot of suitors. i dont wanna be alone and i want to be with someone i really love. i always tell her--you wont know unless you give it a chance. a lot of people had success with their second chance, right?

and sometimes we have to take that step, for it might be the only one for us and we might lose it if we just listen to other people instead of our hearts.

if it makes you happy, it cant be that bad give it a chance and it's really up to you to judge if it feels right or not.

[Terpe]

makeitreal,
I'm sorry to hear about the turmoil you have in your mind just now.

I'm not going to try and give you my opinion on what you should or should not do. I just don't have enough information.

I would rather try to help you to find a way to understand what is really going on between you and your brother.
That way you can see more clearly all the potential solutions.

It has been said in earlier posts and I agree, that the real key is to discover the root cause behind the thinking and behaviour of your brother.
What are his true and real feelings about your B/F about you and about the relationship?

Try to remain calm, allow him to express his feelings and listen.
Your first objective must be to really see in your own mind the challenges that are being faced and the decision choices you have.

It's not going to be easy but try to keep the discussion away from reasoning opinion and logic and focus on feelings, especially those of your brother.
We all have the same concept of emotions and feelings. We do not all have the same logic.

Maybe he feels some loss, but is reluctant to express this.
Maybe there is an element of jealousy, which makes him feel ashamed.
Maybe he feels insecure that his position in the family is being eroded
I'm not suggesting that any of these examples are true for your brother but rather that it's possible some things are not being opened and shared.

When your brother is in the company of your B/F or talking to your B/F what
is he feeling inside that causes him to say he dislikes him?

I worry that if you and your brother are unable to share this then your
choices are less. If he puts you in the position of choosing him or your B/F it will become a constant point of resentment in the relationships of all concerned.

If the only reason he will ever disclose to anyone is because he dislikes your B/F then that comes down to control.
It is true that you have the power to control your own life.
Use that power wisely.

[stevewool]

some times its hard to have someone come into the family circle and like them straight away, it takes time and trust, if this person has not done anything at all to your brother and he is the one you want to be with then just take it easy , families are very very protective until they know that you will be ok , once they see that then hopefully everything will be fine ,

[Makeitreal]

That's something a lot of Filipinos/Filipinas have a tough time swallowing. We're all raised to put our family's opinions first. But if you live your life choosing what they want for you instead of what you want for yourself, you're never gonna be happy. Besides, all that matters is that you found a good man, right? He's loving, supportive, doesn't mind that you've got a kid already, is willing to follow you to the ends of the earth (or to the Philippines, at least), wants to learn more about your culture, and he tried his hardest to get your family to like him. Don't you think you deserve that kind of man?

I hope your brother comes around soon.

Thanks Denise! I can see your point on this one. I got nothing to say about my man, he's superb for me! It's just my bro who doesn't like him, whatever his reason is, I'm totally clueless.


I thank you all for giving me the insight. It helps a lot! I hope when I get to talk to big bro again, there'll be a better outcome. Hope it won't turn him to a monster then

[malditako]

hi makeitreal..welcome to the forum...i think ur brother is just being protective of you and thats fine...i agree with steve family wont like them straight away...ur bf needs to build and create good friendship to ur family...trust is important...when my husband went to phils first time my mother hardly talk to him but look after few years they are close as ever like real mother and son ur bf needs to work on it..maybe hard but worth doing