Is lying ever acceptable in a relationship?

[JimOttley]

I think it was Mark Twain who said:-
"If you always tell the truth then you don't have to remember what you said"

The best way to lie is to tell the truth with a spin or to tell the truth unconvincingly, for exactly the reason you quoted from Samuel Clemens, always tell the truth so you don't have to remember what you said

Personally I hate lying also for this exact same reason, I don't want to have to remember a falsehood, it's just too hard.

Lying in a relationship, once you know it is there, is very hard to forgive and it is unlikely that the other party will change, if they can lie about one thing they can probably lie about anything.

[grahamw48]

I had something very similar just before i flew out to get married in July, I found that my fiance (now wifey) was still looking at her cebuanas account regulary. I didnt think i was the jelous type but this tied me in knots till i asked her and she explained that most filipinas get let down so much by their foreign boyfriends that until they know were serious, they dont 100% cut ties with other "possibles".

It took me a while to get my head round this but eventually i came to realise it was just common sence, until 2 peeps meet they cant be 100% sure of each other, their own feelings, their partners. My wife's sister has had 3 foreigners visit her in Dipolog, all 3 have treated her very well, going to Dakak, Cebu etc then disapeared without a trace (dont worry, she's still a virgin or so im reliably informed).

It's easy to just look at problems from our own perspective, sometimes we forget how the girls think and feel, trusting, hoping, falling in love to have their hopes and dreams smashed buy a calus git whose moved onto another city and another girl.

Good point.
They are putting an awful lot of trust in someone who is basically a stranger full of promises, and a lot of guys using DIA for instance are just looking for free sex.

[Malleus]

I had something very similar just before i flew out to get married in July, I found that my fiance (now wifey) was still looking at her cebuanas account regulary. I didnt think i was the jelous type but this tied me in knots till i asked her and she explained that most filipinas get let down so much by their foreign boyfriends that until they know were serious, they dont 100% cut ties with other "possibles".

It took me a while to get my head round this but eventually i came to realise it was just common sence, until 2 peeps meet they cant be 100% sure of each other, their own feelings, their partners. My wife's sister has had 3 foreigners visit her in Dipolog, all 3 have treated her very well, going to Dakak, Cebu etc then disapeared without a trace (dont worry, she's still a virgin or so im reliably informed).

It's easy to just look at problems from our own perspective, sometimes we forget how the girls think and feel, trusting, hoping, falling in love to have their hopes and dreams smashed buy a calus git whose moved onto another city and another girl.

Good point.
They are putting an awful lot of trust in someone who is basically a stranger full of promises, and a lot of guys using DIA for instance are just looking for free sex.

I understand the point you are making, and I think that explains the motivation behind my girlfriend maintaining contact with her ex and adding other guys.

But using that logic and rationale, I should be keeping contact and nurturing relationships with 3 or 4 other girls on the side, just to keep my options open in case she turns out to be a lying gold digger etc etc.

However, if I was discovered to be doing that, I would instantly be labelled a butterfly who is not serious, merely a womaniser who is playing the field to see what I can get. But when a filipina lady does the same, she gets a free pass on such duplicitous behaviour because its merely being "prudent". With respect, I think its a double standard. In my situation, I believe my gf should most certainly NOT be keeping other relationships and contacts simmering in the background "just in case".

Furthermore, I would point out that for the guy (at least in my case), the risk is even greater than for the lady. Im not just making a big emotional investment (as she is), I am also making a serious financial investment too. Consider that virtually ALL, or at least the lions share of the expenses involved will usually be paid for by the man, including multiple trips featuring flights, hotels, dinner, sightseeing, gifts, incidental expenses etc. After several such trips, if the relationship continues to blossom then you will incur all the costs involved in bringing a filipina lady to the west, not to mention the support paid to her and/or her family in many cases. So if things go belly up, thats a lot of money flushed down the toilet.

So I ask you: who is taking the bigger risk?

Sure, she may be disappointed if I turn out to be a butterfly, or someone who is not committed to a serious relationship. However if I find a gold digger or a liar, I'm risking heartbreak AND the loss of a serious amount of money.

I respect and applaud the fact that you were so understanding with your wife, and I am delighted that your relationship has succeeded. However for me, both parties should demonstrate their commitment to the relationship and assume the risk of disappointment together. Keeping your options open is acceptable, even advisable in the early stages of a relationship. At an advanced stage however, I think it shows a lack of commitment and should be verboten.

That’s why I have decided, after much agonising and introspection to end the relationship I am currently in.

I really appreciate all the replies on this thread, and have read and reread them all with great interest. I have spoken to her, as dontpushme advised. The response I got was stunned silence when I told her I knew, then I got more lies and denial until she realised just HOW MUCH I knew. This was followed by a lot of tears and apologies and requests for forgiveness. She maintains that this is her only indiscretion, and is begging me to stay but the problem of course is now I really do doubt everything she told me in the past.

I love her, but I don’t trust her anymore. Although my heart wants to keep trying, I have been in enough relationships to know that when the trust is gone, things will never be the same again. Honesty, loyalty and trust are the foundation of any successful relationship.

Being in a long distance relationship with filipina lady is hard, much harder than all the relationships I have had with western girls. That means trust is even more important than normal, as we are so far apart. However her repeated lying, and her practice of "keeping her options open" as I mentioned above, tell me that she is not as committed as I am. Which is so difficult to take, because I really thought she was THE ONE.

Ouch.

[grahamw48]

For what it's worth, I think you have made the right decision.

It IS difficult and expensive to (eventually) marry a Filipina, but at least you realise that.

Looking at it positively, you may have saved yourself years of unhappiness as well as the money.

If the trust has gone...time to move on.

Lots of lovely ladies still waiting to meet you.

[sars_notd_virus]

I love her, but I don’t trust her anymore. Although my heart wants to keep trying, I have been in enough relationships to know that when the trust is gone, things will never be the same again. Honesty, loyalty and trust are the foundation of any successful relationship.

However her repeated lying, and her practice of "keeping her options open" as I mentioned above, tell me that she is not as committed as I am. Which is so difficult to take, because I really thought she was THE ONE.

Ouch.

Am sure there will be (THE ONE) out there for you Malleus!!! move on!!
you deserve to be happy!!!

[sars_notd_virus]

It IS difficult and expensive to (eventually) marry a Filipina, but at least you realise that.

Its more than worth a gold penny once you found one sincere and honest filipina lady

[rani]

Am sure there will be (THE ONE) out there for you Malleus!!! move on!!
you deserve to be happy!!!

everyone deserves to be happy... go go malleus

[Terpe]

Maleus,
You seem to have done a lot of heart and soul searching in arriving at your decision.
You already read and considered the thinking of many members on this forum. (representing a very broad range of ages, backgrounds, cultures and experiences)
The best part of the story is that you came to your own conclusion.
I wish you every good luck. Life is what you make it.

[miss.piggy]

Relationships are built on trust.

[dontpushme]

Malleus, I hope that now this relationship is over, you won't be agonising over it. I know in these kinds of relationships, it is usually the men who risk more. As you said, you have to consider the impact on your financial future as well. It's a good thing that you discovered her lies and deceit before you were in too deep.