In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic
Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organisers of Manchester's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule
of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
----------------
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area) wearing the
traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan
situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
----------
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
-----------------
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave (one in
each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
------------------
As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences,
walls, etc...).
HAMMER
------
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the
most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.
FENCING
-------
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
SHOOTING
--------
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor
wages delivery man.
BOXING
------
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
-------------------
Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
---------------
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
-----------------
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy
riding, and arson.
THE MARATHON
------------
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
around the course.
SWIMMING
--------
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The
first three survivors back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
---------------
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
--------------------
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing, and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic
flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
on to it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating
boiler.
and the same person who decided liverpud would be city of culture 2008 
