Bwahahaha! (More of a rave than a rant)

[dontpushme]

I know I've said before that disappointing others is my biggest fear. Well, I've taken a giant step in quite possibly disappointing everyone and his brother and it's not so bad after all.

I've been told that if my thesis isn't finished by the end of the fall semester, I'd be off the program (unless I pay for everything out of pocket, I guess). I talked to my advisor yesterday and told her that I was willing to kill myself just to finish the uber-long thesis in four weeks. Just to show how long the damn thing is gonna be, I've got 66+ pages of Excel tables and I end up writing a page and a half of text for each of those tables. That's just the results of my study too. I still have the introduction, methods, analysis, discussion and conclusion. I don't even wanna think about the literature review. That's just a long recap of everything published about my area of study, which starts with an article written in 1912. I told my advisor I was willing to finish all that plus make a presentation and defend my thesis before the middle of December (the end of the semester).

She kinda looked sad so I asked her what she wanted me to do. She just said she wanted me to stop lying to myself. We talked a little more and I cried some, and now I've decided I'm not going to kill myself for two lousy letters behind my name. The dean obviously doesn't care much that I lost a lot of time owing to my having to change/restart my thesis three times. I don't think I care much about getting a degree I haven't wanted for myself in over a year. My advisor said that she had seen me going through the motions for the last year but had known that my heart wasn't in the project anymore. I had been so excited about it when we first started but after disappointments piled on top of each other, I almost didn't come back to the US after last Christmas. I seriously wanted to stay home in Makati and go back to work.

So anyway, I can breathe again. My dad didn't faint at the thought of his "daddy's girl" not following in his scientist-cum-professional-student footsteps. This is the same dad who gave me the cold shoulder after an hour-long rant about my having a couple of Bs when my grades should have been all As. My boyfriend didn't have a fit that his girlfriend had decided to "waste" all her potential. I thought he'd break up with me, seriously. And to top it all off, I haven't been struck dead!

For the first time, I don't feel pressured to excel and damn it feels good!!! If I had two good knees, I'd be doing cartwheels right now.

[Arthur Little]

Stuff what anyone else thinks, Denise ... you've *done what you feel is best for YOU - the world didn't come to an end - and *that often takes real effort and courage!

[grahamw48]

I was the black sheep of the family...being the rebel and doing my own thing instead of going off to Uni' like my brother and sisters.

You have to follow your own path in life is all I can say.
Maybe try another course ?

- Will have a think and get back to you on whether or not I did the right thing though.

My boy WILL be going to university.

[dontpushme]

Stuff what anyone else thinks, Denise ... you've *done what you feel is best for YOU - the world didn't come to an end - and *that often takes real effort and courage!

You have to follow your own path in life is all I can say.

Thank you both. I've spent so long doing what others wanted me to do that I sorta kinda feel a little lost right now as I have no idea what I want anymore. I know I used to, but my dad started drilling that out of me when I was five. He's a good man, but he doesn't see any reason for anything other than science and maths.

Graham, I think I'm done with school for now. I love learning for the sake of learning but writing long compositions just isn't my thing. At this stage in my life, I feel that the only thing waiting at school for me is a thesis, and I'm definitely not going back to that.

I envy you for being the black sheep in your family. I never had the balls to let my grades drop below a B, and even then it was only done to spite my father's demanding nature.

[dontpushme]

Did I say balls? I meant guts! It would be odd to have them. Balls, I mean. Hay nako...

[grahamw48]

Well if you have...you had me fooled !

[dontpushme]

Trust me, if I found a pair on me, I'd be more shocked than anyone else.

[Terpe]

dontpushme

It would be such a shame to not get something out of this, after all the hard work already invested.

The only way to eat an elephant, is bite-by-bite. Time management.
Maybe restructure your thesis to make it less unwieldy. (It sounds far too big to me)

If you really are determined not to complete your thesis (hope not)

Then do you have any chance to just switch to a 'coursework option'?
Research isn't for everyone, or something everyone enjoys.
A coursework option is better than nothing.
Note, sometimes you may have to pay something out of your own pocket.

Keep in mind not everyone is good at something the first time they try it.
If your adviser tries to talk you into continuing the thesis option, listen to them and explain your concerns.

I believe it's better to regret something you did, than to regret something you didn't do.

No offence intended.
Just trying to help.

[nigel]

It's definitely cool to take control of your own life! That's always a good thing if you ask me!

[dontpushme]

No offense taken, Terpe.

Honestly, I'm at a point in my life where I'm just so tired of hearing that it's a shame to let something go. It was a shame to not participate in all those school competitions when I was in elementary. It was a shame not to allow a school to move me to the star class with all the other smart kids, even though that meant leaving my friends. It was a shame to not move from Mindanao to Manila because I'd waste a scholarship that only 240 out of 200,000+ kids were given each year, even though that meant being away from my family from age 12 and my family and I would have problems once I went to live with them again years later. It was a shame to not study chemistry at uni and waste a scholarship just because I wanted to study something else. It was a shame to not switch to psychology when it became obvious I'd be better off studying that (and being part of the president's list, which was harder to get into than the dean's list). It was a shame to not switch to computer animation when that was where the money was going. It was a shame to not accept a "proper" job just because I wanted to act. It was a shame to not go to grad school because millions of Filipinos would chop off their right arm to be able to go to the US and have the opportunity I had. Now it's a shame to throw away a thesis I've restarted thrice (the latest was just seven months ago).

Everyone at school seems to think I've had two and a half years to spit out this thesis. I guess they all forgot that I had to start from scratch last March, when my then-advisor told me a week before he resigned that I wouldn't be getting the data that my whole thesis was supposed to be based on. I cannot cram two years' worth of research and writing into eight months, no matter what the dean thinks. So I'm not even gonna keep trying.

I'm sorry, but I think maybe I'm finally growing a pair (this is definitely figurative!!!) and learning to not let people shame me into doing what they would have wanted to do themselves. I've been miserable since I was a kid, but it's not because of the constant bullying I got for being smarter than my classmates. It's because I've allowed others to push me around for so long.

On wanting to get something out of the two and a half years of grad school, I consider the friends I've made more important than anything else. I've learned a lot of things that I know I'll never lose. Also, my advisor is encouraging me to write an article for the Journal of the Arkansas Academy of Science, and I think that's good enough for me.

Oh, and before people scoff at my acting, I'll have you know I think I'm good at it. Haha! :P I've been getting into school plays since the second grade, and all without ever auditioning. My only problem with acting is stage fright. LOL. I prefer stage acting to TV acting, but I'm terrified of being in front of so many people. Go figure!

It's definately cool to take control of your own life! That's always a good thing if you ask me!

Thanks, Nigel!

[dontpushme]

Sorry! I know it's a looooong post!