Hi Ranger
Im very sorry to hear of your situation. I really understand what its like for you. I have recently ended an LD relationship with a filipina girl because of trust issues.
Like everyone else who replied to your original post, I can only offer an outsiders opinion, based on what you have told us here.
I debated whether to add my tuppence worth, as Im afraid its pretty bleak and I don’t want to discourage you. But it really helped me when other members here kindly offered their views on my predicament, so I will reciprocate in the hope that it will at least help you to clarify your own thoughts on the issue (notice I said thoughts not feelings) Its gonna be a bit long winded too, so you might want to put the kettle on first
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To begin with, your post raises a lot of red flags to me.
Firstly, you met on a dating site. Nothing wrong with that, however it also means you are almost certainly not the only guy she has met. You have no idea how many other guys she has met or is talking to. Even if her profile is no longer on the site, you don’t know if she is still keeping in contact with other suitors or even if she is meeting up with them. You don’t know what she is doing when she is not online. In fact, you don’t know ANYTHING for sure. All you know is what she chooses to tell you. That’s your sole source of information. So that brings us to the question of whether you can trust her or not.
Looking at it rationally, you have only spent a few months chatting online, and only a few days with her in person. This is far too little time to get to know someone well enough to trust them. Trust takes time to build, and must be earned. Its not an entitlement. Unfortunately, the advent of the internet, messenger chats and social media creates a false illusion of intimacy. We feel because we chat and interact with someone online that we know a person, but its really not the case. The only way to know someone well is to spend time with them in person, over a long period.
Think about it. Would you trust a person you met here in the west, after only having known them for a week? More to the point, would you send them your hard earned money? Of course not. Just because (or perhaps ESPECIALLY because) this person is from different country and culture etc. should not change your behaviour. You should be just as reticent, if not more so.
Remember words are the cheapest commodity in the world, so don’t pay any attention to them. You must evaluate this girl based on her ACTIONS, not on her words.
For me, she should absolutely NOT be going for dinner with this guy if she is in a relationship. I know, you may think “oh but she told me about it, when she could have hidden it, so I can trust her”. This is a classic mistake. The truth is you don’t know her motivation for telling you. It could be that she is genuine and wants to be open, or she could be playing games to get you jealous and try harder to keep her, she could be trying to make you feel you can really trust her, or a myriad of other reasons. In addition, as I mentioned above, you have no idea how much of this story is true, or even if any of it is true. All you have is her word, which you should disregard completely when making up your mind here. Actions are all that matter. So lets look at her actions.
To begin with the job he was offering her sounds very fishy to me too. Also, as you quite correctly pointed out, she should not be socialising with a man who clearly has amorous intentions towards her. The fact that she wanted to continue to do so speaks VOLUMES to me. At the very least, she is keeping her options open. Unfortunately she may well be doing more than that. She grudgingly agrees not to meet up with this rich suitor, then promptly (and uncharacteristically) vanishes for the whole night, conveniently getting sick and passing out for the night. This should really be setting off alarm bells.
However for me, the most telling thing of all is the utterly disproportionate anger she is displaying towards you when you are naturally suspicious about what she is doing. I have personally seen this particular over reaction before many times, and it’s a classic symptom of a guilty conscience. If this girl is truly serious about you, she should be doing everything possible to reassure you and build your trust, not get mad at you for questioning her (pretty questionable) behaviour.
Furthermore, as you mentioned she comes from a poor family, and life can be pretty difficult there when one is poor. So it really raised my eyebrows when I read that she quit her job so that she could spend a week with you. This doesn’t make sense to me. Jobs are not that easy to come by in the current climate, and that is an extraordinary thing to do, when money is so tight, just so that she could spend some extra time with you for a few days. How did she expect to support herself after she quit this job?
Which brings us to the question of you sending her money. This is a minefield. As you indicated, you are a single father with two kids to support and things are pretty tight for you. You are effectively sending money to someone you don’t know, while you and your family are living frugally. Im also disturbed by the nature of her requests for money, as you point out there is always something else, always a reason to send more.
To sum up, you are putting a lot of trust in someone who you don’t really know and who hasn’t earned it yet. Furthermore, her actions are HIGHLY suspicious, and in my gut I really feel she is playing you. I hope I am wrong. I would also ask you to reconsider the wisdom of sending money to, and sponsoring the visa application for, a girl you have only spent a few days with in person. This is a HUGE step, and one that should only be taken after a lot of careful consideration. It also goes without saying that you should only do this for someone that you trust and that you know is committed to you. IMHO you are not at that point yet with this lady.
Your heart is incapable of being objective or rational when you are strongly attached to a person. You have to be rational about this. At the very least, if you still decide to continue, you should reign in your feelings and take things more slowly. If she is the right one for you, this will become clear over time and you can expedite matters at that point. If she is not, then that will become clear too, and you will have saved yourself a whole world of pain and misery.
I hope my frankness hasn’t offended you. As Rani and sars_notd_virus kindly said to me: everyone deserves to be happy, and so do you. I really wish you the best of luck.
