Melly,have you thought about some form of therapy?You clearly have some form of personal mental problem,maybe the guy(and I am assuming your "partner" was a guy as you profess to being "straight")who dumped you 9 years ago after the 6 year relationship felt this also,I am glad your off the drugs,but you need to spiritually cleanse yourself also,dont be on a downer because others have found the happinesss that eluded you yourself,its christmas,put aside all your baggage and look forward to 2011