Need help and advice please

[Baliw99]

I was hoping that I would never have to write this, but I need advice on my situation please.

I have been with my gf for 6 months, after meeting her on a dating site. we talked everyday and my feelings for her naturally grew as hers did for me. To show commitment to eachother, we both closed our accounts on the dating site. I know this as she closed her account first.

During this time I also spoke to her family both online and on the phone, as she thought it was funny me talking tagalog to her parents. After being together for 4 months, I went there for a short vacation to meet her. We spent 3 days at her parents house in the province, where I met all the family and even asked her father for her hand in marriage, as I wanted to do everything properly.

The trip was going great until she told me on the 5th day that she already had a bf and was confused about her feelings for us both. She said she needed some time alone and was going to stay with her friend overnight so she could think. I know I should have walked away at that point, but after talking all that time and meeting in person, I was head over heels for her. I could not understand why she could let me ask her father if she already had a bf, until she told me that only her eldest sister and her knew about him, as he was also sponsoring her.

The night she went away, she was constantly texting me to say that she loved me and wanted to be with me, she even came back early from her friends to see me. We talked for hours about things and everything was great, ending the vacation on a high.

Since I got home from there, I have been stressed about not being able to work and she has been stressed about her University course and the amount of course work/ exams etc... But we still talked everyday, sometimes in the morning when she got up, but always in the evening.

Since I have came home, we have found out that she is pregnant (please no comments about being stupid), I have not seen any proof of it, but I know for certain that her sister, cousin and her friends know about the pregnancy, the only ones that do not know are her elder sister, who she lives with and her parents, so I have no reason to doubt her.

About two weeks ago, she started acting weird towards me, saying that she felt I was suffocating her (due to talking both morning and night), I do not constantly text her, so please do not think I am, I used to text her to say I was online and if she sent me any texts. So after talking to her on the phone, it was agreed that we would not talk in the morning anymore, also if she was busy in the evening, to send me a text when she was going to sleep to let me know that her and the bump were ok.

This seemed to work and things got better when I found work, also, as I had to go on a weeks course, I felt it would give us both a bit of space from talking to eachother all the time. All I wanted her to do was to leave me a message on ym/fb or text me when she was going to sleep. She said she would and did for the first 2 days, then despite her being on fb, I did not get any messages.

On the Wednesday, I phoned her about 30 minutes after her being on fb and could not get an answer, due to her sleeping a lot since falling pregnant, I did not think too much about it. On the Thursday, I phoned and spoke to her, as the course was finishing that day and that I would be online to talk to her Friday, she then tells me that she is going away with her friend on the Friday for the weekend and would be back on the Sunday.

She could tell that I was not happy and said that she was not sure if she would go yet, but on the Friday morning (yesterday) I got a text message saying that she was going, it woke me up, so I replied straight away asking her what was going on and to come online to talk to me. She sent a text back saying that she had had enough, that I was trying to control her and wanted to finish it. I have never tried to control her, nor stop her going out with friends, I encourage her to go out and enjoy herself. I phoned her to talk and we sorted things out.

She phoned me late Friday night/ Saturday morning when she got up to say that she was ok and was missing me etc... Then about 30 minutes later, she came on ym and said that she had seen a message I had written on fb 'if love is supposed to be so good, then why does it hurt so much at times', which I had written Friday mroning. She said that she wanted to end it, that she did not want to be in a relationship and wanted to just have fun with her friends, that she is complicated and that she did not want to hurt me anymore, even though she loves me.

I said to her that if she ended it, then I would never go back to her and in the end she said that she needed to think and would talk to me when she got home on Sunday. This was after me asking about the situation with the baby, as I did not want to lose having contact when it is born. I sent her a message today when I got up, just to let her know that I hoped she was having a good time and to take care of her and the baby, did not got a reply, which I was not expecting to anyway.

So I will hopefully find out tomorrow if we are still together, but that depends on what time she gets back from the vacation and how tired she is, so not really sure if we will talk. My head is messed up from all this, I do not know whether I am coming or going, I do not know whether I am doing right or wrong. We said that we would get married in 2012 and we also have the baby on the way, but if she ends it, what do I do about the baby?

Can I just say that I have never sent money to her and she has never asked me for any either, she knew I was not working, and said that she did not need it. I also found out after coming home from meeting her that she had lied about her age, she had told me she was nearly 21 when she is in fact nearly 19.

Sorry for the long post, but it gives you a better idea on what has happened. Can anyone advise me on what to do, or how to try and salvage the relationship?

Thank you in advance.

[purple]

Hi,
Love yourself more. That's all I can say. Honesty and trust can be an issue in the future when at the very beginning of the relationship one is already being dishonest.
True love always want to hear from your beloved without the feeling of suffocation.
I can say that in marriage and relationship, what really plays the important role is not just LOVE. There should be RESPECT, INTEGRITY, LOYALTY, HONESTY and DEVOTION.

[joebloggs]

sorry to hear this, but at least she is being honest to you in away

well if she is 19 and you did marry her, she couldn't come to the UK til she is 21

don't be offended but if she is pregnant, she has told you she has a b/f, how do you know the baby is yours ?

she told you she has a b/f and probably loves him, so that would explain why she wants to end it with you, he's there 24/7 and your 6,000 miles away

[Baliw99]

sorry to hear this, but at least she is being honest to you in away

well if she is 19 and you did marry her, she couldn't come to the UK til she is 21

don't be offended but if she is pregnant, she has told you she has a b/f, how do you know the baby is yours ?

she told you she has a b/f and probably loves him, so that would explain why she wants to end it with you, he's there 24/7 and your 6,000 miles away

Sorry, I did not say in my original post, the bf was from the UK and she ended it with him when she decided that she wanted to be with me, I did not find that out til about 1 month later though, as she said she wanted to know if I truly loved her. The reasoning behind that I have still not worked out.

I know that she had not seen him for a few months, so know that the baby is mine.

I also know that she cannot come here til she is 21, that was not a problem to me.

[joebloggs]

i see, so your sure the baby is yours, so whats her reason for being so hot and cold to you ?
have her family not mentioned whats going on to you ? , they will know sooner or later she is pregnant..

[Baliw99]

i see, so your sure the baby is yours, so whats her reason for being so hot and cold to you ?
have her family not mentioned whats going on to you ? , they will know sooner or later she is pregnant..

I am sure the baby is mine. I do not know the reason for it, everytime I ask, it turns into her getting moody and me saying sorry. The only ones in her family that know she is pregnant are her younger sister and her cousin, nobody else knows yet, I was hoping to go there Dec or Jan and we were going to tell them then, as she will also start showing by then too.

[Arthur Little]

I know that she had not seen him for a few months, so know that the baby is mine.

I also know that she cannot come here til she is 21, that was not a problem to me.

Hmm ... when someone's married to a person living on the other side of the world ... not being able to be properly together for 2 years is bound to put a considerable strain on both partners. Having said that, you are to be commended for facing up to your responsibilities as a parent if, indeed, the baby IS yours. I think you need to lay your cards on the table in order to reach some form of agreement between the two of you. For instance - since you aren't working at present - would you be prepared to "up-sticks" to go and live in the Philippines?

[joebloggs]

if i was you i would ask her younger sister or cousin whats going on and what all this is doing to you if your g/f will not tell you

but your g/f saying she loves you and next wants to finish with you , something must be going on

but if your planning on going next month or Jan, maybe you can sort all this out face to face.. thats if you can handle all this for another couple of months

[Arthur Little]

- since you aren't working at present - would you be prepared to "up-sticks" to go and live in the Philippines?

Oops, ... I've just been re-reading your opening thread, and see that you do, in fact, have a job now, after all. Even so, how would you feel about re-locating?

[Baliw99]

The only person I could really ask is her cousin, as me and him got on great whilst I was there, I could ask her close friends, but am worried about that causing an argument and making the situation worse. I was planning to go there Dec or Jan, but due to starting work, I am unsure about getting the time off, also if she does end it tomorrow, then it is not worth going there. :(

Thank you Arthur, it takes 2 to tango, so it is my responsibility too. I would love to move there and live with her, but I am not in a position financially to enable me to achieve that dream.

[joebloggs]

Oops, ... I've just been re-reading your opening thread, and see that you do, in fact, have a job now, after all. Even so, how would you feel about re-locating?

he could try living in the phils with her, try for a student visa or visit visa, move to a european country and work there and apply for a family permit...

[Arthur Little]

... you really need to get to the bottom of what's going on here - for the sake of your peace of mind. Initially, I tended to share Joe Bloggs' view that your girlfriend was trying hard to be honest with you ... in spite of - or maybe even because of - her feelings about the other British guy she mentioned. But there again, she's possibly just a fickle adolescent who doesn't know what she wants ... from either relationship.

[joebloggs]

The only person I could really ask is her cousin, as me and him got on great whilst I was there, I could ask her close friends, but am worried about that causing an argument and making the situation worse. I was planning to go there Dec or Jan, but due to starting work, I am unsure about getting the time off, also if she does end it tomorrow, then it is not worth going there. :(

yes that could be a problem but she should have the decency to tell you the truth, i think she owes you that, also not mention to her what he tells you.. what else can you do

[sars_notd_virus]

Sorry for the long post, but it gives you a better idea on what has happened. Can anyone advise me on what to do, or how to try and salvage the relationship?

Thank you in advance.

Regardless of age, a girl that open her legs before her heart knows the consequence she will face in the future ...
if your gf thinks she wanna end her relationship with you then let it be ,we cannot force people to like or love us back..love is a wonderful feeling if it is reciprocated..

if you think its your baby that she is carrying arrange a talk about it, how u can support the baby even if your not together,if your not sure its your baby get a DNA test when you get back to the philippines,its hard to get a proof if its a hearsay(one thing for sure,your gf knows who's the father of her baby)

Goodluck to you!

[nigel]

All I can say is that I doubt this baby is yours, her actions suggest it's someone else's child...

Sorry pal...

[purple]

yes me too... I doubt that the baby is yours. She's 19 and behaving that way. I mean, age is just a number. At least she could behave and treat you with respect. Going out with friends for long weekend, hot and cold with you. For sure she is not true to herself. There are some filipinas who thinks that marrying a foreigner will get them off the poverty, never mind if love is there or not. In the end, some develops true love and respect, there are some that breaks the marriage because the very foundation of a relationship which is love, trust, integrity, respect, loyalty, honesty and devotion are missing. These ingredients are vital.
Before investing emotions, try to see if she is someone who will commit. If she truly loves you then she should not play with your emotions like this. I don't think you ever want to hurt the one you love. Regardless of the distance, situation, age and likes.

[Malleus]

I am sure the baby is mine

Assuming for the moment that you are the father, I would like to second Arthurs commendation to you for trying to stand up to your responsiblities. If only every guy had your moral fibre.

However I have to ask the question: HOW can you be so sure the child is yours (assuming for the moment that she is indeed pregnant). In the absence of a paternity test, I cannot imagine how you can you be so certain, particularly given the level of deceit, immaturity, emotional volatility and sheer duplicity that this girl has demonstrated up until now.

All I can think of that would lead you to be "sure" is that she was a virgin when you consummated your relationship, but that proves absolutely nothing. You dont know how many partners this girl has had since you left. You said at one point that you have no reason to doubt her. I beg to differ. You have EVERY reason to doubt her.

I am trying to choose my words carefully, because I dont want to cause offence. But she has already proven herself to be a liar, a cheat and completely irresponsible teenager. So I would echo the doubts of others as to whether this child really is yours.

I feel for you, and I am afraid that you are on the highway to hell with this girl. The only advice i can offer is that you should try to arrange for a paternity test to be performed to establish whether in fact (rather than just belief) you are the father. Then you will know where you stand in relation to your responsibilities toward this baby coming into the world.

As to the question of whether to salvage your relationship or not, I realise the words of a stranger wont dissuade you when your heart is set on trying to keep her. So I would just remind you of her words to you, in the hope that you will take heed:

"She said that she wanted to end it, that she did not want to be in a relationship and wanted to just have fun with her friends"

I think that says it all :(

Good luck. I am rooting for you.

[Languish]

All I can say is that I doubt this baby is yours, her actions suggest it's someone else's child...

Sorry pal...

I was thinking the same - which "should" be a huge relief to you - even if it doesn't feel that way. If anything you should consider it a lucky escape. Horrible to say it but that's how it is coming across. If that is the case consider this a lesson learned :( but move on and find the right girl for you. Try not to dive straight in and i am sure it will work out for you.

If, however, the baby is yours this can complicate things dramatically. For me i would horrified to lose contact with my children. I love my three sons to death and would sooner die than be parted with them. I can tell you have a similar attitude already - so do what you feel is right. This girl is inexperienced in life - hopefully her parents will also steer her in the right way - into a life and future with you.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Stage 1 : You go over there and fall in love with her.

Stage 2 : She realises this and starts playing the game now you are vulnerable.

Stage 3 : You return home and she announces she’s pregnant even though you’re not 100% sure she really is. On top of this you don’t know if it’s yours if it happens to be true, but because you’re in love, you want it to be true. She knows this.

Stage 4 : She carries on playing the game. Turning the taps on and off when she feels like it screwing up your head even more and grinding you down emotionally making sure you don’t have the strength to get out of her grasp.

Stage 5 : The ‘baby’ is born.

Stage 6 : She asks for money to support a non existent child knowing that you will because you’re a decent guy, laughing all the way to the bank - and you’re probably not the first victim.

I’m not saying this is definitely happening but it does sound to me you’re getting mugged off although there’s a possibility she could be messed up emotionally not realising what she’s doing to you. She could be genuinely pregnant with your child, but either way you need to lose her for your own sake because she’s messing your head up anyway. Once you’re over her then you can find out about whether you do have a child and act accordingly. It’s the only way.