Ex of my hubby is looking after the house

[purple]

Hi All,

After not hearing anything from the UK embassy regarding the Spouse Visa I submitted last 09 Nov. 2010, my husband booked an expensive flight to coming over for Christmas Holiday and we will be together for 4 weeks. I am so thankful after not being with him for nearly 3 months.

What I don't like is that it is his ex-gf of 7 years that will be looking out for his house whilst he is away. They broke up Sept 2008 for a relationship that did not work out. I must admit that I feel insecure even though I am the wife. Last time he was here for 2 months, he did tell me that it was a friend which later I found out was his ex. I am not comfortable with it. I do trust my husband and I respect whatever relationship they had and have. But only for the reason that she happens to work along the road is something that I don't like to buy.

For those married men here, do you feel comfortable if you wife is being goody goody with their exs? I do understand what friends are and what is not. I just don't feel comfortable with it.

[stevewool]

you are his wife so thats the answer , i hope emma would understand if it was my ex helping out , maybe its the best for all he can trust her and its a cheap and secure way off looking after his and yours place,

[purple]

thanks Steve, for making me feel better and for looking at the most logical reason. I'm a woman you see, so I tend to think emotionally.

[tomboo]

i agree 100% with steve, to put it simple, your husband is with YOU, his ex is probably popping in once a week and eating his food MUCH BETTER FOR YOU THAN HAVING A CRAZY EX CAUSING YOU BOTH PROBLEMS, sounds pretty cool to me

[purple]

his ex is probably popping in once a week and eating his food MUCH BETTER FOR YOU THAN HAVING A CRAZY EX CAUSING YOU BOTH PROBLEMS, sounds pretty cool to me

I will tell hubby then to clear his cupboard

[stevewool]

i bet they are out of date anyway with you not being there , we men eat anything and dont throw anything away ,

[subseastu]

Agreed. As long as hubby is up front and honest no probs. Doubt always goes through peoples minds when there partner is friendly with there ex but this is natural. But you have to remember that they split up quite a while ago and he's married to you. Remember as well he spending alot of money to come back to be with you this will be out of love and the need to be with you, not out of guilt because he's messing about. This is what I used to tell my wife when we used to have very similiar conversations.

As mentioned be grateful that the ex is noraml and not some nutter out to cause trouble for you both.

Enjoy your time together when he gets out there and if it stillbothers you just ask him about it to put your mind at rest.

[rani]

i understand how you feel purple...
i'll surely feel the same way if i am in your situation, but you have to listen to the guys here....
he's with you and i'm pretty sure that he loves you that much...
don't ruin the good relationship with the "bad thoughts" that's brewin' your mind..
just enjoy each other and make the most out of it...
keep on smilin have fun

[purple]

thanks a lot for your opinions... "bad thoughts" never ends good.

I'm now at ease guys. and thanks a lot rani, its good to have a woman's perspective who can side me on this and you're right. I know my husband loves me so much he would cross 7000 miles just to be with me for 5 days when gets the chance. I think that is crazy enough to do to be flying on the same place more than 5 times a year to be with me.

Really love you guys.. so happy to be part of this forum

[gWaPito]

Sorry to read of your situation, Purple. You are right to feel to the way do, I dare say we all would feel the same way. Im puzzled for the reason, why does the house need looking after while he is away for 4 weeks ? When my Jane was living in Manila I was going away for one or two months at a time. No one babysat my house. I told my trusted neighbour and gave my cell number in case of emergencys thats all. No way would I ever involve my ex in our everyday lives no way. I read what others have said and I dare say its all innocent but, I for one would not be best pleased if my wife's ex's was involved her life. Its just not right. I dont want to come across as a doom and gloom merchant but, You need to get it sorted, nip it in the bud if you like. Good luck

[purple]

That exactly what I was thinking gwapito. Hubby got some indoor plants and posts so thinks his old ex-girlfriend of 7 effin years is the candidate because she works on the same street. And she is the one who looks after the house whenever he goes away I think, that was before we met.
I think it is a matter of confidence.
I've talked about this to him last time that I dislike the idea of his ex-gf looking after the house and asked him if he doesn't have any friends to help him babysitting his house for 4 weeks.

[gWaPito]

At least you are no shrinking violet!. When you do come to the so called land of milk and honey, life is going to be hard enough adjusting etc without the competition of your husbands ex forever being a fixture in your life. It would be different if there where kids involved but, it seems not, just a girl friend. I wish you well, Purple

[Sim11UK]

My gut reaction, would be to have some concern?...It's the LDR thing!
Probably just a convenience thing, but a bit thoughtless on his part, as it's causing you anxiety?

[Englishman2010]

I understand your concerns Purple, why is he still friends with her? I find it difficult to stay friends with my ex's. These are natural questions to ask when in any relationship, especially a LDR where paranoia can often creep in. However, I have to stay reasonably friendly with my ex wife for the sake of our kids, we don't want them to see us falling out and hating each other. When I come to PI for 2 weeks in Jan, my ex wife has volunteered to look after my house and feed my cats every day. I haven't decided to take up her offer yet, but if I did, I do trust her to take good care of the cats and to not ransack my house.
I think you have answered the question yourself by saying he has visited you 5 times this year and he married you, he wouldnt do that unless he really loved you. Personally I don't think you have anything to worry about, but have a right to ask difficult questions

[stevewool]

remember all , a empty house over xmas and depends where he lives , better the devil you know they say, we all have been hurt before lots of reasons , but as you say it was years ago they split and it could have been easy on both sides just what they both wanted , hes with you and the cost involved also, dont let it eat at you

[gWaPito]

I agree with you Sim, rather thoughtless. Innocent or not at the end of the day he is married to Purple so her feelings must come before anyone else's. Sod the ex. I wonder why she offers to help out ? Has she no one ? If not this wld explain why she still hanging on. Like Englishman said ' Your man is spending serious money to be with you 5 times a year' I wld not doubt his love for you although I wld be a little upset when the first time he told you it was a friend who babysat his house when in fact it was his ex. I wonder why he lied to you. Im sure he could find another sitter for his house if he really wanted to. Steve wool said better the devil you know. I for one wld pick the devil every time over an ex. It just not sound healthy. I can understand Englishman staying on good terms with his ex wife because of his young kids and correctly so. Still i wld not use my ex to feed my cats etc Yes the trust is there but you have to think of your wife or gf feelings in the Phil Not good. Just my view ok right or wrong.

[Englishman2010]

I agree with you Sim, rather thoughtless. Innocent or not at the end of the day he is married to Purple so her feelings must come before anyone else's. Sod the ex. I wonder why she offers to help out ? Has she no one ? If not this wld explain why she still hanging on. Like Englishman said ' Your man is spending serious money to be with you 5 times a year' I wld not doubt his love for you although I wld be a little upset when the first time he told you it was a friend who babysat his house when in fact it was his ex. I wonder why he lied to you. Im sure he could find another sitter for his house if he really wanted to. Steve wool said better the devil you know. I for one wld pick the devil every time over an ex. It just not sound healthy. I can understand Englishman staying on good terms with his ex wife because of his young kids and correctly so. Still i wld not use my ex to feed my cats etc Yes the trust is there but you have to think of your wife or gf feelings in the Phil Not good. Just my view ok right or wrong.

Very good points there Gwap. In my case it's not quite letting my ex feed my cats, it's my son who would doing it under the supervision of my ex. Although, I may still find a neighbour to do it

[Arthur Little]

Sorry to read of your situation, Purple. You are right to feel to the way you do, I dare say we all would feel the same way.

That's exactly what I was thinking gwapito. Hubby got some indoor plants and posts so thinks his old ex-girlfriend of 7 effin years is the candidate because she works on the same street. And she is the one who looks after the house whenever he goes away.

My gut reaction, would be to have some concern?...It's the LDR thing!
Probably just a convenience thing, but a bit thoughtless on his part, as it's causing you anxiety?

I understand your concerns Purple, why is he still friends with her?

Me, too ... I'm afraid! I'd be a bit concerned ... and I'm definitely not the jealous type. On balance, though, Rohany ... the fact that your husband has visited you in the Phils no fewer than five times, does "speak volumes" about where his true feelings lie - with YOU - as others here have explained. So try to relax, and give him the benefit of the doubt; hopefully, also, you should soon have your spousal visa and there'll be no need for any further uncertainty.

[Doc Alan]

As you know Rohany, I've written to you privately with my thoughts, because since I'm unmarried I'm not qualified to answer your thread. I do hope, however, that if your husband reads these posts, he is also reassured and everything will be resolved when you are together again .

[gWaPito]

Good post Doc Alan, oh and you Arthur! Yes I agree It wld be great if Purple's husband was able to read this thread before his flight then, that will give him time to mull over whats been said and thus reflect during the flight and then when he arrives in Purple's arms there will apologies with tears and kisses. If life was that simple. Some folk can be very strange. Bearing in mind I have been divorced 5 years from first wife, when I announced that my Jane was pregnant, that women had the thick face to come round to our house that same night, pushed her way passed me as I opened the door to confront Jane and i, spouting off all sorts of awful words. A terrible experience for both of us. Im sure that crazy woman thought she still had some sort of claim to me. Nowt queerer than folk.

[mickcant]

Good post Doc Alan, oh and you Arthur! Yes I agree It wld be great if Purple's husband was able to read this thread before his flight then, that will give him time to mull over whats been said and thus reflect during the flight and then when he arrives in Purple's arms there will apologies with tears and kisses. If life was that simple. Some folk can be very strange. Bearing in mind I have been divorced 5 years from first wife, when I announced that my Jane was pregnant, that women had the thick face to come round to our house that same night, pushed her way passed me as I opened the door to confront Jane and i, spouting off all sorts of awful words. A terrible experience for both of us. Im sure that crazy woman thought she still had some sort of claim to me. Nowt queerer than folk.

I agree an ex can have all sort of reasons, my first ex wanted a last look round the home we shared before she left me for anouther man, she had already taken all that was hers, but went for the last look with my youngest son, and took some of my photography equepment to sell as she thought I still owed her!

She had had most of the money from the house sell anyway, I would never let an ex near my home
Mick.

[Terpe]

purple,

100% normal!

You feel how you feel, and you cannot help that. Everybody is different.
I can easily understand that you're having a hard time with this.

Firstly though, purple, you need to recognise your value. You have him now.
You are the most important thing in his life and he travels half way round the world
to see you.

Always remember he chose to marry you because he loves YOU.
This previous relationship didn't work out.
Don't strain your relationship with him by not respecting the life he had before you.
If this ex-g/f or your husband were behaving inappropriately with each other, that would be another story.
But there is no evidence of this.

Trust your husband. Nothing will work in your marraige if you don't trust your husband.
If you do then you can let him be as nice to her as he wants. You know that he's not even thinking about leaving you for her, and you have no logical reason to be jealous.

Having said it's natural to feel threatened by someone your spouse used to be involved with, it's really not fair that you should be so worried about that. Whether she's calling him, visiting him on occasion or just friends with him, the uncomfortable feelings are probably always going to be at the forefront of your mind.
If this is happening to you and you're losing sleep worrying over it,something needs to change.

Not just because you are worried he is doing something with her, or not for any other reason, other than you have told him that it upsets you. That should be enough.
When you are in a relationship, particularly a marriage, and you really respect and love that person, you don't do things that you know upset them.

If you're not OK with it, then it has to be a NO.
If he didnt know it upset you then fine but it seems you have told him, right?

I feel sure that many members here would agree that the last person you would like to bump into is your loved one's ex (ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, etc.) And the worse is, both you and "the ex" are trapped in the same place. The question is how would you handle the situation?
How would you act and re-act?

I say this purple, because given the information you have shared, it seems that when you are with your husband here in UK, and living together in his house, you will likely see and meet this ex-g/f as she is 'in the area'.

Don't allow your husband's ex girlfriend to threaten your relationship with him.
You are not wrong, but you need to focus your thoughts and energy on your marriage.
Enjoy every moment. You love your husband, and he loves you. It will be an adjustment for everyone, the ex included. Agree to reasonable boundaries with your husband. Be flexible and confident.

Remember time is precious. Don't exhaust your emotions on her!
She is the past and you are his wonderful present and beautiful future.

[purple]

Thanks for the wonderful thoughts. I do think of the emotional side. Being a woman I know how it would feel like if I am the ex of 7 years who remains friendly. I could understand whatever the so called "friendship" my husband have with his former ex-gf and I have no doubts about my husband's love and devotion to me.

I also do know that when I am with husband in the UK, there will be circumstance that I will get to meet his friendly ex and you know, being an ex for long can put me, as his wife and his ex in an awkward situation.

I trust my husband a lot. It is the ex that I don't and only God knows what an ex can do.

Hubby did explain to me, though not in details that the relationship did not work out. Just a question why they keep friendly in a way that she babysit his house. I have openly told my husband when he was here the last time that I don't like the idea. Up to now I am brushing off the idea from my head when he leaves to see me.

I don't think hubby will read this post because he is not a member. Though I know that he do some searches here every now and then. I think he got the hint that I am purple.

I don't doubt my husband. I do think I can be friends with his ex but I don't want it to be put in a situation. 7 years is no joke if I was the gf. That is something I would want to let go because it did not work in the first place and move on without looking back of the good and the bad that happened in the relationship. That's what moving on is there for.

[purple]

Thanks for the wonderful thoughts. I do think of the emotional side. Being a woman I know how it would feel like if I am the ex of 7 years who remains friendly. I could understand whatever the so called "friendship" my husband have with his former ex-gf and I have no doubts about my husband's love and devotion to me.

I also do know that when I am with husband in the UK, there will be circumstance that I will get to meet his friendly ex and you know, being an ex for long can put me, as his wife and his ex in an awkward situation.

I trust my husband a lot. It is the ex that I don't and only God knows what an ex can do.

Hubby did explain to me, though not in details that the relationship did not work out. Just a question why they keep friendly in a way that she babysit his house. I have openly told my husband when he was here the last time that I don't like the idea. Up to now I am brushing off the idea from my head when he leaves to see me.

I don't think hubby will read this post because he is not a member. Though I know that he do some searches here every now and then. I think he got the hint that I am purple.

I don't doubt my husband. I do think I can be friends with his ex but I don't want it to be put in a situation. 7 years is no joke if I was the gf. That is something I would want to let go because it did not work in the first place and move on without looking back of the good and the bad that happened in the relationship. That's what moving on is there for.

[mhaedonald]

hi purple...me also think in the emotional side...Jealous whenever the ex gf or exwife is around..I know how it feels.. I hope ur husband will read this and will know that u feel uncomfortable with it so ur mind will put at rest...Or just talk to him about it and tell him how he will feel if u have house in philippines and ur ex is the one looking after ur house when u go away???i think he will feel jealous and uncomfortable aswell coz he loves u and u r having a good relationship with ur ex and u trusting him to take care of ur house while ur away...just think they fell inlove before and been together for long,she has characteristics why he loved her before and its possible to be inlove again...sorry about this but this what i feel and think when i read ur post...Hope everything will be ok with u soon

[purple]

I agree with you mhaedonald. That's what I was thinking too. It could be possible since they are keeping the friendship which is a recipe in every relationship.

Thanks for feeling and thinking for me.

If he reads this I think it will be an issue for sharing this to a forum "general public" than discussing it with him which concerns him.

Though I only want to get to know the other people's ideas about this situation which I need some second thoughts before jumping to a conclusion which would result to more uneasiness in the future.

Keeping relationships are important.. but with an ex is I think a hypocrisy because both parties understood that it did not work out.

[Arthur Little]

! During each of the occasions I was over in the Phils - the second time for 3 months - I was fortunate enough to have my next-door neighbour looking in every few days. Sure ... I'd an ex with whom I had shared an on/off relationship for all of 10 years - and trusted her enough as a person - but ... still ... I felt it best that she shouldn't be involved in any way.

[mickcant]

! During each of the occasions I was over in the Phils - the second time for 3 months - I was fortunate enough to have my next-door neighbour looking in every few days. Sure ... I'd an ex with whom I had shared an on/off relationship for all of 10 years - and trusted her enough as a person - but ... still ... I felt it best that she shouldn't be involved in any way.

I do agree with you on this Arthur
If we can get on with an ex it might make things better if there are children involved, but for the new partners sake it seems better to cut the ex out of your life.
Mick.

[Terpe]

I do agree with you on this Arthur
If we can get on with an ex it might make things better if there are children involved, but for the new partners sake it seems better to cut the ex out of your life.
Mick.

Agree with you both Mick and Arthur.
If children are involved, then there does need to be an amicable connection.
Otherwise it's better all round to not to have an ex involved. Especially when asked not to.

[keithAngel]

Its a very individual issue I have maintained a close friendship with two of my exes through children and have even had them working with me together for a short time 5 years ago.

another was impossible to deal with and would not be on my list of friends but you need always to take people one at a time

For me its a mark of adultness how we deal with people who were very close The Missus has at my request taken her ex off face book after he cheekerly asked to borrow money from me and I would consider carefully any requests from Jhean if they were based on something inappropriate happening rather than insecurity