My GF is a scammer or just a former scammer? Is one better than the other?

[corjoh]

I've been with my girlfriend since the beginning of September. Because of our distance, she offered to give me access to her email accounts so I'd know she wasn't doing anything I didn't know about. So she gave me 3 email accounts. Not that strange these days. I notice that she had gotten an email before from her EX saying that he would be in town the just a few days after we became an official couple. I got the impression from the way she dressed that she was going out at night, but also figured she could have worn the clothes she had on to work. To make a long story short, I think she was seeing him then. They met on th same website we did. Since I'm an IT guy, I found a few other email addresses of hers. She had over 7 accounts and at least 5 dating website accounts...some had other names possible nicknames though. Bottom line...what are the real indicator that she could be a video girl/scammer or something, or is it just coincidence? I found out that she had several skype accounts too/yahoo IM accounts too with at least 10 names blocked. I can say she's never really asked me for anything, but I've given her plenty. I thought she should have it. So I don't count that against her. She did say she can't really live off of what she makes..about 5000 pesos a month (give or take.) But I've never seen her without anything. Her clothes look great, always well kept, expensive cell phone (said her mom bought it), internet at home, and etc. I try to keep an open mind an not accuse but who would admit to that if she actually was...problem is, i'm sure she still has accounts I don't know about. I just don't know if she uses them actively. So do I let it go in trusting her, or pursue answers? I do believe in second chances, even if she was like that before (nobody's perfect), I just don't have any experience with actual scammers so I don't know what things to look out for... BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE PLAYED LIKED A FOOL EITHER. Any advice/thoughts would be great (especially from other women) Thanks for listening...

-C

[joebloggs]

it looks from your post you have never met her ?
when do you plan on going to see her ?

[tomboo]

its always a worry when so far apart, my opinion is,,, if it does not feel right its better to just move on. It used to drive me crazy suspecting someone, looking to find i was right about them or even sometimes wanting to give the benefit of the doubt so it could work, But simply... there are enough real decent and genuine girls in phils its better just to let go if theres so much doubt and find someone you have no doubt at all with...

[beppe]

The question if in your shoes is do I feel comfortable with this person or should move on.

I find hard to trust a person with red flags, just a personal opinion.

[Terpe]

I tend agree with tomboo.
In my opinion, if it really doesn't feel right, it's probably not right, and better you move on. Plenty of genuine, honest hard working ladies out there.

Nobody can really advise you what to do. It's totally your own choice.

You already made an emotional investment that is begining to worry you.
Enough worry that you did some 'digging'and found out even more worries.

Please understand that a scammer is not going to put a gun to your head and rob you.
A scammers objective is to get you to part with your money of your own free will.
As long as there's contact and you are saying anything that sounds like 'maybe', the real scammer will continue to believe they can milk you for more. Scammers don't believe you will not send more.
After all, you've already sent some money!!

If you really feel so much doubt, but you want to 'dig' deeper why not consider creating another account on the known dating sites you discovered, register yourself and write to her from a false name.

No offence intended.
Just my opinion.

[worthingmale]

some warning flags there, if it doesnt feel right move on fingd somebody else

plenty more fish in the sea and 5,000 pesos a monthh. I know people who get buy on a lot less.

[stevewool]

we all have our own thoughts , its had like they say a ldr but trust is very very important and once doupt comes in its very hard to move from that, play it cool for a while if you can, dont make contact and then see if anything happens you say you have her accounts then just check those, but be warned once you go down that path of not trusting her there is no coming back , good luck

[grahamw48]

Personally I'd move on.

She obviously has lots of irons in the fire, probably also has a local boyfriend and quite possibly kids too.

Any cash you send (and we're always warned against that on those dating sites ) will of course be gratefully received.

Stringing foreigners along on these sites is now big business in the Phils.

There is no substitute for getting yourself out there and meeting a girl in a shop, office or whatever.

There are thousands upon thousands of beautiful and decent girls out there.
Just accept that you need to approach having a relationship with them in the same way as you would back home...only difference being that they're often not so concerned about your age, but not a problem for you anyway.

[corjoh]

Thank you all for your comments...all great advice.

@tomboo
I'm honestly going to think about it a while. No ones past is squeaky-clean, so I'll wait. If feel like this is something that I can't get past then, I'll end it and start fresh. For now, I'll give her another chance to do the right thing, if that was her old life. I've already invested quite a bit of time and a little money, so I feel like waiting to make "the" big decision would be best for me right now.


@beppe
Thats a lesson learned. I should have made that decision earlier. I think it would have prevented me from getting to my current situation.

@terpe
I considered signing up for an account and doing that, but she said she would close her dating profiles. She closed them. I checked.

@stevewool
I agree with you. I started down that path of checking up on her, and now I have to stop. It makes you obsessive.. and when you look for something that hard you're bound to find something. So I've recently stopped. I don't want the past to keep us from having a future, but if these are her habits I don't want to be another link in that chain.

@grahamw48
I definitely hear you. She's 22 she doesn't have kids. You guys have heard all of the negative, but there are some positives aspects about our relationship. You're right though, There are plenty of women out there who are honest and faithful. So I'm not so pressed to rush the end, because there are thousands of other options. Plus I care about her, and want to make sure this is the right thing to do.

Again guys, I really appreciate all you your comments. Best regards to you all.

-C

[Rosie1958]

Hi Corjoh, welcome to the Forum

I would encourage you to listen to your gut instincts ........ they are more than likely correct. You clearly don't trust your girlfriend and from what you have discovered, I don't blame you. You haven't mentioned what she claims to do for a living, is she some sort of hostess?

Your relationship is only in its infancy so before you run the risk of being hurt further, I'd suggest that you tread very carefully and seriously consider moving on to find a nice uncomplicated girl who doesn't cause you heartache and makes you feel happy

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[corjoh]

Rosie1958

Hi Rosie, She's an accountant for a construction company. I'll be honest, right now I'm a bit confused as to what to do (whether to act now, or wait) My gut says that she probably did those things, but IF my gf hasn't learned her lesson yet, it'll show. If things seem better then I'd be willing to give it our relationship a bit more time. I'm at the point now where I feel like this is the last go-round anyway. If something else comes up, I'm going to leave. We had a very long conversation today about this subject. There's this little thing in me that says people deserve a chance to right wrongs they've done. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I'm prepared to deal with either scenario now. Thanks for the perspective..you all have been really helpful.

-C

[Ako Si Jamie]

I agree with the others - move on & find someone else if you're not sure, but when you do meet someone else keep your money firmly in your pocket until you know for sure, she's the one for you.

The reason I'm saying this is, if you start giving a woman money or gifts she's more likely to focus on your wallet than you as a person.

In your case, I'm not entirely sure, but I reckon this woman is taking you for a ride.

But don't be put off though. If you don't buy a ticket you won't win the raffle. It took me over 5 years dating online (albeit in the UK) before I met Maria and I would definitely advise you to persevere with finding a Filipina. Just don't be willing to part with your cash and rush into anything. Let her like you for who you are, not what you have.

[corjoh]

@jamieXXXmaria

I hear you guys loud and clear. I haven't spent much money her honestly. She hasn't asked for much. I gave her a few things I intended during my vacation to the Philippines, but I guess if she's know's I give it she doesn't have to ask huh. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I'll give it some time. If things don't work out, I know that I would definitely do things differently the next time around.

[marlyn&kenny]

hmmmm... think u better move on, if you have doubts in your relationship its unhealthy...

[Josieyam65]

Hello Corjoh,

If i say move on, it would be unfair to her if shes not a scammer.

We also have to know her side or the reason why she have 7 or more email accounts. Where is she working? What kind of work does she have with that 5K a month? What if some of the email accounts arent hers? Or its an old account which shes not using anymore?

I earn more than 5K a month but i dont have expensive mobiles.

If you're really in doubt, try terpe's advice. Create another account, register yourself and write to her.

The important thing in a good relationship is that there should be love and trust.

Goodluck.

[Manila_Paul]

@jamieXXXmaria

I hear you guys loud and clear. I haven't spent much money her honestly. She hasn't asked for much. I gave her a few things I intended during my vacation to the Philippines, but I guess if she's know's I give it she doesn't have to ask huh. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I'll give it some time. If things don't work out, I know that I would definitely do things differently the next time around.

You could start by not even looking in the Philippines next time! Seriously, there are Pinays all over the world - and just as nice as those in the Philippines itself but without all of the hassle or risks of being scammed.

Hong Kong is a prime example. 250,000 Pinays who have already adjusted to living in a foreign country (or SAR!). So if the plan is to come back to the UK, then you can confident about her settling. They often have to deal with some harsh Chinese families and work long hours and for very low pay (just one day off on Sunday when they wonderfully take over Hong Kong Central and camp out everywhere playing cards, games and dancing. A real sight to behold!).

There are virtually no eligible men in sight either. About 99% of domestic helpers in Hong Kong are female and maybe 1% male. The same breakdown for the Indonesians (also around 250,000 strong). The Chinese guys generally aren't interested and a lot are just downright racist towards South East Asians.

I mean, seriously, I live here and have a lot of time for the place but the whole online dating thing from aboard would be far too much of a minefield for me!

[pacificelectric]

Because of our distance, she offered to give me access to her email accounts so I'd know she wasn't doing anything I didn't know about.
-C

False good idea.... I never encountered any such situation with a Pinay but if one had suggested that, my first thought would be that she's trying to fool me by pretending she is transparent..... and IK would run away!! And a person who seems so eager to renounce to her privacy should not be trusted anyway!

[grahamw48]

Come to think of it, when I worked in Hong Kong quite a lot of my friends had married Filipinas they'd met there.

[Ako Si Jamie]

I mean, seriously, I live here and have a lot of time for the place but the whole online dating thing from aboard would be far too much of a minefield for me!

For someone new to it, it would be. Best to experience online dating from your own backyard before looking at a LDR if you're gonna take that route. That way you can get use to all the bullshit and learn from it.

[Ladybug_sim]

Hi! corjoh, welcome and thanks for sharing your sentiments about your gf... well, only i can say, that follow your heart but most on your mind so it is not too hurt for you when something not good in a long run of your love life. You are still a young man so just enjoy being in love but i know to have an LDR you really need keep on watch and feel things coz when you are mean to each other you can easily sense whats going on to your relationship and I know you are the one to decide either you move or go on coz as for me if you really trust each other no need to ask on it mean the access of what ever things... just good luck and wish you a Happy year and years to come

[KeithD]

Search for her usernames/email addresses online and see if anyone has flagged them up.

[gWaPito]

First and foremost, none of us are experts here. As Rosie and others have said, you have to trust your 'gut feelings' the longer you leave it, the harder it will be for you. Its sounds you are emotionally attached now, not good. As Graham implied, there are thousands upon thousands of uncomplicated low mileage chicks out there who would give there high teeth for the love of a good man like yourself, ok maybe not the high teeth but, you dig where Im coming from. Good luck! Just a little edit here, ok. The wife and I watched the 1971 film 'Shaft' after I got home from work last night and Ive been saying chick, you dig, and calling grown men, cats all day!.

[Manila_Paul]

Come to think of it, when I worked in Hong Kong quite a lot of my friends had married Filipinas they'd met there.

You can't really go much wrong, in my experience. If I was ready to settle down, there is a girl I dated there that I would have married in an instant.

[Manila_Paul]

For someone new to it, it would be. Best to experience online dating from your own backyard before looking at a LDR if you're gonna take that route. That way you can get use to all the bullshit and learn from it.

Well I've never done the online dating thing in the UK. Only Hong Kong. But at the end of the day, UK online dating is unlikely to see you sending loads of money to the ladies in question and you don't have fly halfway around the world to meet them. It just seems fraught with necessary risks to me. Fair play to those it has worked out for but it is certainly not for me.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Well I've never done the online dating thing in the UK. Only Hong Kong. But at the end of the day, UK online dating is unlikely to see you sending loads of money to the ladies in question and you don't have fly halfway around the world to meet them. It just seems fraught with necessary risks to me. Fair play to those it has worked out for but it is certainly not for me.

Sending money is an option not a rule and I imagine most men refrain from doing so until they know their other half properly. A friend of mine never sent his mahal any money at all and even told her family from the offset that he wasn't prepared to help them financially. Twenty years on, he's still with her happily married.

As for dating online in the UK, I was referring to experiencing it over here first and getting to know how the online players & the fakes operate before embarking on dating overseas via the web.

[Manila_Paul]

Sending money is an option not a rule and I imagine most men refrain from doing so until they know their other half properly. A friend of mine never sent his mahal any money at all and even told her family from the offset that he wasn't prepared to help them financially. Twenty years on, he's still with her happily married.

Yeah but that is the sensible ones! My point was more about the guys who are daft enough to send money and end up being scammed. You are unlikely to get into that position if you're in the UK. If you're doing online dating in the UK and some lady asks for money early in the relationship, alarm bells would/should start to ring but all this seems to go out the window with some guys conversing with girls in the Philippines!

As for dating online in the UK, I was referring to experiencing it over here first and getting to know how the online players & the fakes operate before embarking on dating overseas via the web.

Yeah, that is a fair point but there are still so many hassles in comparison.

The main point remains: why put yourself through it all when there are Pinays everywhere? Places where there is no interfering family, where they are in employment and have already shown the ability to adjust to a foreign culture, that are easier and safer to visit, where it will be easier to obtain a spouse/fiance visa, where the scammers are bound to fewer and further between etc etc?

It may seem counter-intuitive but if you're just starting out and interested in having a LDR relationship with a Pinay, the Philippines is probably just about the worst place you can look!

[Tawi2]

You can't really go much wrong, in my experience. If I was ready to settle down, there is a girl I dated there that I would have married in an instant.

I was based in Honkers for four and a half years,the majority of my mates married either pinays or thais because they were abundant,and everywhere,its always better to have a massive choice of real life women than be limited to online dating sites,I even met a few girlfriends parents when I used to pop over to Manila(returns from honkers were cheap as chips).I also used to date Thais,indos,few chinese and an australian But yeah,Honkers was a great place to meet ladies

[gWaPito]

You cant compare dating uk and phil women. Most of us guys on here wanted to be with a phil lady. No disrespect but, have you been on the streets of a weekend and seen how these uk 'ladies' act? As Dedworth would say 'dross' so please dont compare. Paul I read your post again. You said it stupid to date from the Phil. I beg to differ. You think its a good idea to date a phil already in uk. Umm not! She prob got here on the back of her English husband who she abandoned after getting her full visa, Great!

[Manila_Paul]

You cant compare dating uk and phil women. Most of us guys on here wanted to be with a phil lady. No disrespect but, have you been on the streets of a weekend and seen how these uk 'ladies' act? As Dedworth would say 'dross' so please dont compare. Paul I read your post again. You said it stupid to date from the Phil. I beg to differ. You think its a good idea to date a phil already in uk. Umm not! She prob got here on the back of her English husband who she abandoned after getting her full visa, Great!

You've completely misread my posts. Firstly, I didn't compare Pinays with UK women and I never said anything about dating divorced Pinays in the UK! The example I gave was Filipina OFWs in Hong Kong but it could be anywhere, including OFWs in the UK. Hong Kong is really ideal though if you're British. Singapore too but there aren't nearly as many Pinays there because they don't have quite the same culture with regards to Domestic Helpers as compared with HK.

[Manila_Paul]

I was based in Honkers for four and a half years,the majority of my mates married either pinays or thais because they were abundant,and everywhere,its always better to have a massive choice of real life women than be limited to online dating sites

Absolutely. Hard to get a work gig in HK these days though. Unless you get sent out by your employers at home, the only option is English teaching. Which is what I did (and might yet do again). Funnily enough, plenty of Filipinos have taken over a lot of the bar and shop work that used to be done by expats. How that works with the visa situation, I don't know.