gone silent

[blackcatbone]

hi people i'm really looking for a female perspective here and would appreciate any advice given.
i met a girl 2 years ago online, we had 18 months of chat back and forth then in july last year i went to manila to meet her for the first, time and it went very well .i came back and she got on with her life there, we continued to talk and make plans for the future, with me going back in april and this time staying in her flat for the duration to meet and bond with her kids. every thing seemed to be going very well with her telling me she loves me and it would be unthinkable for her if she lost me. i've been supporting her since i came back but she has been working in her brothers store to help out with living costs i know she works long hours there and is tired when we get to talk.last week she was talking to me and wanted to sleep and to my shame i was a little hurt that she wanted to stop talking so soon as it was the holidays here i was looking forward to talking to her more than usual she said she had some family problem but wouldn't tell me about it which i understood completely, but i was a little abrupt with our usual signing off routine. since then she has totally ignored my attempts to say how sorry i'am, i phone and it just rings until i get a message saying the phone is unattended, i leave offline messages and still i've heard nothing, i'm so confused now and so worried that she may be hurt or unwell what im trying to find out is this normal behaviour for a pilipina when she is hurt i'm so concerned i cant sleep and have not eaten since monday. surely this is not a reason to throw away what we have together ? sorry to go on so long but i'm just trying to give as much information as possible thanx in anticipation

[stevewool]

hi there well we men open our mouths before we engaged our brain most times, you have said sorry and have tried too it seems, so leave some space now just tell her you are leaving it to her to make contact and yes you realize its a mistake that you have made then just wait, may take a few days or what ever just wait and see, good luck

[blackcatbone]

steve thnx for your advice it looks like i have little choice in the matter mate heres hoping my girl relents soon

[stevewool]

thats the problem you dont have a choice realy , yes many say walk away but you know differant, the distance is a killer for many of us but its all worth it once you have found the right one,dont want to be nosey here but you said you are supporting her since you have come back , stop that till there is contact and try to learn from your mistake but also she must learn too , remember it takes 2 all the time

[blackcatbone]

i know you are right mate but i dont want the kids to suffer because of my stupidity

[Ako Si Jamie]

Yeah, Steve's right. Don't forget to tell her you love her as well.

[stevewool]

hard words, but the kids were ok before you came along, just give it time, i know its diffecult when myself and emma had words always a stupid time so trying to make contact was like a full day going by and yes the phones do play up too,i have no experiance on how long it takes for them to come round , but if i have said a wrong word to emma and yes i have said sorry or not have , a hour goes by and its all blown over, but she is here with me witch is easy

[Tawi2]

Might be offline because of the family problem?Might be sulking or tampo?Might be any number of things

[Dedworth]

I'd say it was LDT - Long Distance Tampo

[somebody]

If you can send a little present (Bunches of rose) a few websites which specialise in this.

But Tamp ie prolonged silence is a common tool of a pinay. Patience is needed

[gWaPito]

I know I could not put with that silent treatment oh no! If you accept it this time, you would have to endure that for always. Children behave like that Not adults. You can guess what I would do so, I wont say it. Yes She may have problems, that is life! I wouldn't get too down beat about it, just think of it as a lucky escape.

[grahamw48]

Filipinas CAN be very sensitive.

Sometimes if I looked the wrong way at the ex I'd get the silent treatment for 3 days.

At least I'd get to watch Top Gear in peace though.

What always brought her round for me was my somewhat daft sense of humour...she'd crack up in the end.

[mindanao]

well, its Tampo, sulking for a period of time. Just leave her a space. Once she realized what she did, she will come around and talk with you.

However, there could be other scenario like some stories shared here. Read some and see if there are untoward signs.

when she is hurt i'm so concerned i cant sleep and have not eaten since monday

Hey, don't miss a meal. Would you like her to see you miserable when she comes around and talk with you? Cheer Up..

[Arthur Little]

hi people i'm really looking for a female perspective here and would appreciate any advice given.

... it's 'Sod's Law' ... you're hoping for a female perspective. And what happens? You end up being inundated with responses from the guys - with one exception - so far! Bide your time [but not too long!] and see how things go. I do feel for you though, mate ... and hope that whatever's amiss soon sorts itself out!

[gWaPito]

This not eating and sleeping business is not good either. You really must pull yourself together. Women will see this as a sign of weakness and latch on to it. Its a cruel world You got to get strong Think of number 1 That is you! You have done nothing wrong. Another motto of mine is treat people the way you want to be treated and visa versa. Ask yourself if you could do the same if you were in her position. Whether its normal or not this Tampo nonsense Its not right. Dont be taken in with this For the sake of mankind Dont do it! For the record, my wife does not suffer from this tampons or mood swings. I must be one of the lucky ones. We do have words, its normal. I can assure you my wife can dish it out as well.

[blackcatbone]

Guys thnx for the advice its greatlt appreciated
JAMIEXXXMARIA mate i tell her all the time that i love her but its hard when she wont even talk to me

STEVE i know you are giving good advice but just surviving is no way for kids to have to live her eldest is coming to a crucial year in his education right now and stopping support i just cant do it

TAWI 2 maybe so. i cant see the wood for the trees right now

SOMEBODY already done it mate it was the first thing i did dozen mixed red and white just as she likes

GWAPITO mate it doesn't seem to be adult behaviour at all to me either but i cant just walk away she has been the focus of my life for the past nearly two and a half years and i just cant do it unless she makes it plain that its over

GRAHAMW48 its been nearly a week now i really didn't think she could be this cruel it seems to be a complete over reaction on her part

MINDANAO thanx for the advice .she had an argument with her sister 5 months ago about some money she says her sister stole from her and has not spoken to her to this day. how long do you think i should wait as a reasonable time to get over this ?

ARTHER thnx mate me too but i'm beginning to wonder if she's playing with a full deck if someone had told me that she would treat me this way i'd have called them a liar i just dont know mate really i dont

[Sim11UK]

Actually, I think stevewool is right. Hard as it may seem, if you stop payment she's likely to be in contact.
If she dosen't contact you, you owe her nothing & she only has her self to blame.

If it is only since monday, then sit it out for a few more, or how many more days it takes. I know what you're going through, as do many of us here.

[stevewool]

lots of advice there from many , just give it time, we all fall out over little things its putting them behind us that is hard, if yuou do think lots off her and she does of you, then she should be back very soon if not it may be time to just move on

[mindanao]

hi blackcatbone, i was re reading your post trying to help you OUT of this problem. My advice. Relax and just think of happy memories with her WHy? You sent roses to soften her anger, you said sorry, you apologize to be forgiven. But no avail, she still wont respond to you. You mentioned that she had not talk to her sister for sometimes coz of financial problem. Then expect that it will take longer for her to forgive you...

If you are worried that you might jeopardize her child education if you will stop supporting?? Don'T be ! coz when she won't talk with you despite of your efforts, then she meant to be wanting you OUT for a moment.

If she will be in trouble then, she will come back to you...

I don't know until when she will come around.. But you will know by your heart.

[Terpe]

Hi blackcatbone,
Sorry to say I'm not female either.

Whatever is going on in Phils nobody yet knows. It could be anything.
But...she knows how to contact you and she can find the means to do so sometime if she wants.
And ....she will know you will be trying to contact her, and she knows you will be very worried.

Many people, I'm sure, have encountered 'tampo' in LDR, it's so frustrating when attempts to contact and communicate are denied. However......
To me this does not seem like tampo, and from what you've said, this behaviour does seem totally out of the character you know.
Unless the episode between you was much bigger than outlined

But..you're correct when you say you have no choice in this. That's the rub! You are under control.

You already made a big emotional investment.

But.... you do have options, and you must resolve to use them.

Try to contact her friends and/or family (but surely she would have found some way to contact you?)

Wait and do nothing (but for how long? You must set limits/boundaries)

Wait and stop all support (If she still needs/wants support for anything she will contact)

blackcatbone, you MUST be prepared for ANYTHING.

Implement your options now.

[mhaedonald]

hi.. im a filipina but not all filipina are same but i will still say how i act when im tampo or my husband hurt my feelings...

When im in philippines before and my husband (he is just my bf that time)in uk or in korea,its always hard for me and i normally tampo to catch his attention, when he hurts my feelings i normally just sulk for a few hours and the longest is a day after i sleep and remember all our happy things together, thats the longest i sulk coz i love him so much...When im angry at him im telling my self that i wont check the emails he sending to me and i won't answer his call, but after few hours of seeing his effort of contacting me,after reading his emails for me, my heart feels like i just want to hear his voice and i miss him so much.. Now (we r married)i sulk maybe for just an hour coz my husband help me to change it and im happy that i already changed my sulking coz its not healthy in our relationship and im just hurting him and hurting myself as well...

you said that she has argument with her sister and untill now they dont talk, I know someone who tampo with their sister,brother or mother and didnt talk for 2 years, its because no one did any effort, but i think its different case to the man you love and also u said u already made a lot of effort...

From what you have said in your thread im thinking MAYBE....

- She really don't love you and just after for your money
or

-she is sick or something happened to her thats why she can't answer your call
(why its off now?and u said ur supporting her family,they must know ur number and let u know what is happening with her)

-she is tampo ( maybe she really have a long tampo! well if you love someone you cant stop ur heart to forgive the one u love,you wont like to see him hurting,you will miss him for not talking to him even for a short time)

Also if i have family problem, he is the first to know it coz he is the one i trust love and i feel he is a part of a family which is definitely the closest to me... As i said im a filipina but not all filipina are all same..

Goodluck! Hope she will contact u soon... All the male's advice here are good,Y dont u stop supporting her and see if she gonna contact you, If she is just after your money or just playing on you and not love you then maybe she laughing her a$$ off everytime she gets the money you sending. If my message hurts you, IM SO SORRY... WISH YOU ALL THE BEST...

[grahamw48]

Great reply !

If I knew how to give 'rep' I'd do it...sorry.

[blackcatbone]

thank you all for your words it looks like i'm just going to have to wait for her to come round

[sars_notd_virus]

Warning!! Warning!!

Its not typical for a woman to go on silent for a week,even how major or minor problems we have...we need to spit it out ,(talk,talk)...we do sulk once in awhile but it doesnt mean that we have to neglect our concerns especially to the people we '' trully love'' and is most concerned of especially if that person invested a lot to us.
I agree with all the guys here stop sending money dont wait for her to break the news and says the relationship is gone forever (u know what i mean??)..
goodluck!!

[blackcatbone]

mate i'm just so totally confused by her actions i know it sounds terrible but i'm hoping that the family problem is genuine and that is what is keeping her away from communication

[gWaPito]

I fully agree with Sars Mari. Its not right to punish your loved one 7 thousand miles away for something he has not done. Ok a few hours is acceptable for the silent treatment but, a week! Like Mari said, that really is not on. She may be feeling down hearted on her situation For example being away from her husband to be? If you can see light at the end of the tunnel, you have a goal to aim for, if its pure darkness then, there is nothing. None of us know the situation apart from the thread starter. A week of silence is a no no. I cant imagine my wife doing that to me Never No matter what. We are our best friends We share everything apart from the squid she made me yesterday ugh! Like eating a severed hand. Anyway Good luck

[Terpe]

mate i'm just so totally confused by her actions i know it sounds terrible but i'm hoping that the family problem is genuine and that is what is keeping her away from communication

It's natural to be confused when you invested so much emotion and time to this relationship. Anyone would be confused and very hurt.

Also means vunerable.

I don't want to be so harsh or make value judgements, but I repeat......... you MUST be prepared for ANYTHING and don't send any money.

[lovelyme]

Warning!! Warning!!

Its not typical for a woman to go on silent for a week,even how major or minor problems we have...we need to spit it out ,(talk,talk)...we do sulk once in awhile but it doesnt mean that we have to neglect our concerns especially to the people we '' trully love'' and is most concerned of especially if that person invested a lot to us.
I agree with all the guys here stop sending money dont wait for her to break the news and says the relationship is gone forever (u know what i mean??)..
goodluck!!

i agree with u. can't even focus on something if i have issues or misunderstanding with a loved one. as a woman, i prefer to open up and discuss the matter with my partner.

i suggest that u talk to her or send her a letter. tell her your concerns and how you feel. also, mention a deadline when to expect a response from her. if she doesn't respond, then i guess u have to start to think about things and move on.

and yes, stop giving her support until such time that she talks to u again and discuss her concerns.

[Dedworth]

A tricky one I agree with Gwapito a short dose of tampo would be fine but this length of time is unacceptable. I do hope it works out OK

[blackcatbone]

i've layed out the situation just as it happened i'm not keeping anything back here there would be no point in doing so because the advice i've been given would be inaccurate for the situation