The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".
A time traveller walks into a bar...
OMGOriginally Posted by fred
I swear that nearly happened to me one time. Really.
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
lol
My chinese neighbour died last week , but nobody went to his funeral.
Unbereavable
Instead of giving me a hand job, my girlfriend tried using her keyring.
I felt like I was being fobbed off.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.
I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
Bitch!!!!!
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.......
NOTHING
This sexy bird looked at my beer belly and said "Is that carlsberg or tetleys? " I replied" "theres a tap underneath love if u wanna taste it!"
An englishman,scotsman,welshman,irishman,frenchman, spaniard,swiss, norwegian,dane,german,austrian,canadian,american,brazilian,chinese, japanese,australian,indian,pakistani,iraqi,afgan,eskimo and a cuban walk into a pub. The barman says "sorry guys, you can't come in here without a Thai".
Just been offered a new job by some bloke in the pub £900 per week
working for the British Brittle Bones Society. Did I take it? Bloody right,
I snapped his hand off!
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.^_^
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" :-)
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many
Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting
"F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
If you watch 127 Hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.
The new administration in Egypt is keen to see Cairo get back to normal. One feature of the city is the continuous background noise of car horns. The government has therefore asked all Cairo taxi drivers to keep using their horns to make everyone feel more comfortable.
The initiative has been called Operation Toot n Calm 'em.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (FA)
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, here's a STC (Senior Texting Code)
* ATD At The Doctor's
* BTW Bring The Wheelchair
* BYOT Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI Driving While Incontinent
* FWB Friend With Beta Blockers
* FWIW Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM had Good Bowel Movement
" IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On ?
* LMDO Laughing My Dentures Out
* ROFL ...CGU Rolling On The Floor Laughing ...Can't Get Up
* TTYL Talk To You Louder
Only problem is ... remembering them !
I thought you would like that one simpleheart!!
What do Chinese men do when they have erections?
Vote.
A goldfish walks into a bar, Jumps up on a bar stool and looks at the barman really hard.
The bartender asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?"
The Goldfish looks at the guy really deep and hard and in a desperate gasp says "Water."
went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
Having a smoke outside the pub last night,and this ...... in a wheelchair
said to me,"why do you smoke when you don't need to".I looked at him and asked."Why the .... are you wearing trainers.???
WARNING. JOKE INTERLUDE AND PAUSE FOR THOUGHT ALERT.
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.
Hahaha !
In many cases, so very true.
Now where does that way of life remind me of ?
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