A bloke on a tractor just drove passed shouting
"The end is nigh, the end is nigh!!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon!
A Japanese government spokesman has asked members of the public not to attend the funerals of the Tsunami victims, because of radiation risks.
Its really 'unbereavable', he said.
There was a young man from Japan
who once fell asleep in his van
woke up in the night
with a terrible fright
and now finds himself in Taiwan
I was sat on the bus this morning when I noticed this beautiful young woman
sitting next to me who was reading a book entitled 'Strange but true sexual
facts'.
Interesting I ask,
Yes she replies, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the thickest? Oh I'm sorry she continued, my name's Helen and your's ?
###### Tonto O'Reilly ######
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell .... cream?"
Chemist replies "Magnum or Cornetto?"
A little girl spies her mummy and daddy through the bderoom keyhole and thinks to herself..... and that cow tells ME off for sucking my thumb
Live your life for a reason and don't worry be happy
if you don't know where you are going then any road will do!!
The teacher asked her pupils to give her examples where you would use the word contagious.
Little Tommy puts up his hand and says "My Father had swine flu, it is very contagious"
Michael puts his hand up and says " my cousin has a blood disorder, luckily it isn't contagious.
The teacher says "very well done, is there any other examples?
Paddy puts up his hand and says " My neighbour is painting the outside of his house, it will take the contagious"
Paddy's wife was about ready to give birth so he rushed her to the hospital.
On arrival, the attending nurse asked, "How dilated is she?".
Paddy replied, "Oh jaysus , we're BOTH over the moon!"
Johhny gets caught at school with his pet cat in his schoolbag..... when asked why he had brought his pet to school he replied WELL Ms I overheard the postman say to my mum that when the kids were gone he was going to eat her p**sy!!!!
Live your life for a reason and don't worry be happy
if you don't know where you are going then any road will do!!
What's big, long and hard and when erect makes women moan like crazy?
An ironing board.
Keep em coming guys.
A U.S fighter jet was flying over Lybia when the pilot noticed a flying carpet on each side of him, both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them both down. Back at base he got a right .......ing from his commander, turns out they were allied carpets.
Why did god invent lesbians?
So feminists wouldn’t breed
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Did you hear about the guy that figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anyone
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner
..........talk about Dyson with death.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door."Is there a problem Officer?"The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one.""You don't have one?"The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?""I'm sorry, I can't do that."The policeman says, "Why not?""I stole this car."The officer says, "Stole it?"The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?""She's in the boot if you want to see."The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?""One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.""Murdered the owner?"The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."The man replies, "I bet you the lying ....... told you I was speeding, too!
They've sent my census form back!!
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I wrote :-
Asylum seekers
Travelling folk
Smack heads
Unemployable lazy sods
The cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show
Northern Rock
RBS
Half of bloody Eastern Europe
Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.
How do you turn a pelican into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven till its Bill Withers....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
Dominique Strauss-Kahn's lawyer has outlined the defence case they will be using in the trial -
his client was just doing his job trying to inject some liquidity into the Third World.
I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?
No pork chops?- No hot dogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?
Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?
You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?
You wipe your .... with your hand?- You cook over burning camel ....?
Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better?
It's not like it could get much worse.
We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
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