living with family or alone

[stevewool]

what do others think and dont just jump in feet first, i did and know thinking differant, i think i would love a place not to big a house but must have a garden so i can grow things and keep myself busy, say two bedrooms and open living downstairs, a nice deck and lots of outside space, near a beach or countryside would be great say anything uptp 1 hour away from home, would this be paradise????? , maybe for me but would i get bored lonely and what about emma too, i know emma would love to be close to family and i too am thinking this could be the best, i am not getting any younger and the company for us both may be better and i have even thought about clubbing in and buying a larger place for all to live, i miss my childhood , thinking of all the uncles , aunts coming and going even the neighbours just opening the doors and shouting anyone home, that sounds nice to me now but not everyday i think, many have said dont get to close to the family but surely i must think what emma wants too, just a thought

[imagine]

hi stevewool, i guess it depends on the individual, im pretty much true to my star sign aquarian, i can be happy in my own space indeed i have been for many years, i would crack up if i lived with any or all my family if it was a long term situation, living near is good, your own space remains your own, but with choice of company, to be able to have your own space anytime you want or need without offending your family friends ect, the exception is the 24/7 welcome company of your life partner and the time space shared together

[sars_notd_virus]

HI steve ,its good to know what you and Emma desires in the future,when you settle in the PH...
most of us filipino's are clannish,we don't want to move so far away with our family and relatives,what is important is you got your own space/land/house for your privacy...Half of my clan is in the same subdivision in Batangas so we get together every weekend for a bbq or by the beach(haist!! its just so fun and Au Gosh I miss the Sun!!)..And on one summer evening,while laying on a sandy beach,watching the stars,my daughter utter a word that i can never forget.. ''Oh mum this is Life''

[subseastu]

Don't know where i heard it but I was told always try to live atleast 2 bus rides from your wifes family so they wouldn't be around all the time!! What you think of this is up to the individual we are all different after all.

Personally I don't want to be too close to family (extended or otherwise). I'll help and support where I see fit to but as and when we move to the phils we're going for us first and them second. Liza wants to have one of her nieces in the house when I go to work which I've not got a problem with but I don't want them all hanging round looking for a free lunch.

Basically its up to you both, how close to family do you want to be. After all your going to make friends there aren't you which alot of the time I find you can have more fun with. Why not have a house close ish to the family and a small (cheap) weekend place a few hours away? Best of both worlds

[stevewool]

HI steve ,its good to know what you and Emma desires in the future,when you settle in the PH...
most of us filipino's are clannish,we don't want to move so far away with our family and relatives,what is important is you got your own space/land/house for your privacy...Half of my clan is in the same subdivision in Batangas so we get together every weekend for a bbq or by the beach(haist!! its just so fun and Au Gosh I miss the Sun!!)..And on one summer evening,while laying on a sandy beach,watching the stars,my daughter utter a word that i can never forget.. ''Oh mum this is Life''

wow, that has just sold it to me , be just that far so its not walking distance

[stevewool]

you have a great idea there subseastu, my own place and those few hours away place could be the other forum friends we have all made , a trip once a month to see each other that sounds great to me

[sparky]

if your looking for a holiday home i can help you out there

[subseastu]

I personally want somewhere south of manila (tagaytay or laguna say or even peurto gallera) that is far enough away that family just can't arrive un annouced. don't get me wrong i'm not saying that I don't care for Liza family, I just want some space. We have now also decided to make a more permanent abode in the province though which village is yet to be decided, but it may well be on our rice farm. That acutally puts alot closer to her family. So basically our main house will be ours with few family close and our weekend retreat is going to be the family gathering one. Sort of the reverse of what you want really Steve. If its worked and a picture appears below this is the view we will have.


[IMG]E:\Pictures\Philippines\Holiday 09[/IMG]

[stevewool]

so the picture i see is a mountain covered in snow and your place is white so i cant see anything

[Englishman2010]

Good question Steve.
I think most men would a prefer a little space from our in laws, but close enough to keep our mahal happy. As we know Filipino's are much more family orientated than us Brits, and we should always respect our other half's wishes and come up with a solution/compromise that suits everyone.

Ultimately I suppose it depends how big the family is, how often they would come round and how well you get on with them

[Terpe]

We would like to live within 1-2 hours of the main family area.
This would be close enough for help, comforts, protection, contact and get-togethers etc.
But also not quite close enough for regular unannounced visits and stayovers.
It's important for us that we have control over our own space and our own time to enjoy ourselves and each other.

It's also a personal and couples choice often depending on how you and the family get on together and just how close your wife is to them. Always gonna be a comprise somewhere along the road I 'm sure.

I have heard, seen and experienced incidents of how the extended family can easily become the instrument of frustration and marital problems, however unintentional, if living in each others pockets.
Additionally, how many members of the family will seize financial opportunities given the circumstances.

One of the issues we need to recognise is that my wife's immediate family is quite large, with most already living within 10 minutes of each other. We would need to be seen to be treating all fairly (not always easy). That's a big close family I guess.

On the other hand, without having a family close enough to sustain you both, I've learnt from bitter experience that meeting and making those new friends and neighbours is not always that easy.
Many times, those great new friends and neighbours will eventually ask something of you. If they find you are either unable or unwilling, then suddenly the whole atmosphere changes. Friendship and neighbourlyness can turn to active hostility.

Over the years of visiting the philippines for varying lengths of stay, We have both arrived at our agreement. Even it's still as yet a fragile agreement, to make as much a life for ourselves as we can, and to maintain as much control over our decisions as we can.

Just a personal view. Not meant to be negative and no offence intended to anyone.

[stevewool]

terpe i look forward to reading your answers and views , you never give offence at all , great advice many times is given thanks

[grahamw48]

I lived in the province for a few months with the family (we had our own separate little house) in a small village, and I really enjoyed it.

After the initial curiosity and excitement you're pretty much left alone, but your partner is never lonely and there is always something interesting going on like little Fiestas and parties, etc.

The family were just so friendly and helpful, you couldn't help but enjoy their company.

I felt that I BELONGED, and I felt safe and secure too.

We had a stall on the local market, which caused a lot of merriment with the people who hadn't met me before, and most of the younger ones had never seen a white man in the flesh, which was so funny....their little shocked faces.

.
Siesta time at brother-in-law's mountain hide-away:



.
Party time:

[malditako]

i oriented my husband long before we get married about filipino family tradition...i think he was culture shocked how family would gather together more often than not...but then he eventually adjusted to it...the same how i adjusted myself to some sort of his way of life. it's always nice to live near the family if u know how to tame them and u know how to have them told on something without getting them hurt...like some rules if they go to ur house..tell them what they can and what they cannot. it only take some orientation as well for filipino family to adjust with other culture...who doesn't want some privacy anyway

[keithAngel]

We find 2 hours travel is enough to not get casual drop ins but easy to maintain contact

[sparky]

interestingly enough my wife doesnt want to live anywhere near her family-she doesnt feel safe- having been to the province and her home i can see why- lots of men drinking all the time and doing not much else. fighting when drunk etc

on our last visit at Xmas i felt distinctly uncomfortable with a couple of them trying to stare me out etc which i ignored and trying to ponce money out of the wife for more drink-insinuating that cos i was western she had loads of money. ( She has never flashed money around at all ). which may or may not be true (it isnt ) but i dont wanna spend it on drunken low lifes- if they wanna drink themselves to death then get a job and do it out of their own money.

[stevewool]

i know i must think of Emma first when looking for our place over in the phils, i dont want to drive there but would love some sort of moped, like i said a garden is a must,

[subseastu]

STB_0587.jpg

Right then, as I was trying to show, this will be the view from our house in the province from the top of the hill on our rice farm. It nice the only problem being its a hour through the jungle / rice farms or 45 mins in a banka boat. There is no road or proper path here. Across the bay is Catbalogan

[stevewool]

wow what a nice picture of your future life

[subseastu]

It won't be bad, my only problem is its so cut off from anywhere. to get to tacloban and back with shopping can take the best part of 10 hours!! Still its nice and quiet

[Tawi2]

My sons grandmother's family own a beach resort,if your in the Davao area you will know it and the family,so I always like staying with lola,roll out of bed and I am on the beach,besides the old woman and her sisters treat me like a son I like staying with the family

[stevewool]

you see by lots of answers here that being cose to your partners family dont sound that bad, most proberly we are all wanting what it was like in the 60s, 70, here, a closeness of the family that seems to be lost now

[Tawi2]

a closeness of the family that seems to be lost now

I never had a close UK family mate,left home at 16 and only been back a handful of times,I am as happy with my own company as I am in a close-knit unit,but the old lady treats me like her own kid and I owe her a lot,my new womans family live in cotabato,great people,really happy house,and I like helping out on the farm

[stevewool]

sounds a sweet life thereTawi2

[Arthur Little]

After the death of my first wife - and prior to meeting and marrying Myrna - I gradually became accustomed to - even quite relished - living alone ... I could "please myself", so to speak ... and certainly wouldn't have dreamt of imposing on any of my family - for their sakes - and mine. But nowadays, I'd never wish to go back to that lifestyle ... I'm too-well looked after!

[keithAngel]

Its fine to live out in the wilder provinces as long as you dont have health issues that may need fast intervention A lot of us aint getting any younger

[stevewool]

yes arthur, we can and some do get use to being alone, do what you want when you want , eat when and what too, but just like your answer i would never want that style now i have Emma with me, aint getting any younger, well indeed the aches and painscome more often and stay longer too, i am sure the weather has lots to do with it being here ,

[Terpe]

I agree. I had 30 years doing what I want, when I want and how I want. To be honest toward the end I just began to wonder who I would ever share the joys of life with.
Now I'm complete.

[Sim11UK]

Steve
We would want to have our own place...We're not as gregarious as you.
Ladybug lives away from her family & has done for many years...It's nice to have family staying & nice to visit, but we need our own space. We are both in agreement about this...Just personal choice.

[keithAngel]

Yes indeed sim but steve hasnt had that delight yet as we have