Have Filipino Girlfriend in uk.But she is married to a much older man. Help please

[tone]

Some really interesting insights here to be honest but all I can do is think about how I would feel if this was my "wife" carrying on with someone else like this.
My life is lived with a simple statement - "what goes around comes around" so just bear that in mind in the future, you have a close age gap so thats a good thing but until you can answer every question with a positive and conclusive yes (for yourself) then you should be very careful.
If her husband is abusive and or violent you should also consider your own personal safety what happens if someone comes after you and her?
I am not trying to sensationalise anything but expect the unexpected.
Good luck whichever route you take but personally I would walk away.
Tone

[gWaPito]

Some really interesting insights here to be honest but all I can do is think about how I would feel if this was my "wife" carrying on with someone else like this.
My life is lived with a simple statement - "what goes around comes around" so just bear that in mind in the future, you have a close age gap so thats a good thing but until you can answer every question with a positive and conclusive yes (for yourself) then you should be very careful.
If her husband is abusive and or violent you should also consider your own personal safety what happens if someone comes after you and her?
I am not trying to sensationalise anything but expect the unexpected.
Good luck whichever route you take but personally I would walk away.
Tone

I got to agree. The saying 'what goes around comes around' is one I truly believe. I could site numerous instances where this has happened to swines who've done me wrong.

Like Tone said, if she's willing to wast her current husband the future doesn't look good for Gary.

[grahamw48]

My best friend has been married to a Filipina now for over 15 years. He's 20 years her senior.

My ex-wife's sister, 2 cousins, and her niece have been happily married to Europeans for between 10 and 25 years. There is an age gap of at least 10 years and up to 20+ years between husband and wives.

Of course I'm sure they're all exceptions to some rule or other.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Hi. I think this may be an unusual problem for this forum. I have been seeing a filipino girl here in the uk. We have been out on a few ''dates''. While talking the other evening she told me that the filipino way was for me to ask her to be my girlfriend. I did and she accepted. She then told me that she was in fact married to a much older english guy. Details are.
She met the guy thru dating site.
Her parents ( poor)almost forced her to agree to marry him. She came to uk bringing two children and married april 2009. From the offset he very badly illtreated her, kept her as almost a slave. There marriage has NOT been consumated she never even slept in the same bed as him. He has other girlfriends he has sexual relationships with. She left him for a month in october 2009 and stayed with filipino friends. He found her and blackmailed her with deportation so she went back to live with him, but is nothing more than an unpaid housemaid.
Since then she has found work and started living her own life a little. She says she cannot leave or divorce him untill she has been married for 2 years or she has to go back to Fillipines were she has nothing. Her children are settled , friends school etc. Is she realy stuck. I have little knowledge of the legal options. Can anyone help PLEASE...
She is very unhappy

Before you go any further you need to find out the truth. Her story maybe genuine or she could be telling a pack of lies. If it's the latter, stay well clear!

If it isn't I wouldn't feel guilty about homing in on some other guys chick if he was using her as his skivvy, and I wouldn't blame her for leaving him even though she's married. I don't think anyone should stay in an unhappy relationship. Life's too short. Worn that t-shirt and it's not worth it!

[Maria B]

Hi. I think this may be an unusual problem for this forum. I have been seeing a filipino girl here in the uk. We have been out on a few ''dates''. While talking the other evening she told me that the filipino way was for me to ask her to be my girlfriend. I did and she accepted. She then told me that she was in fact married to a much older english guy. Details are.
She met the guy thru dating site.
Her parents ( poor)almost forced her to agree to marry him. She came to uk bringing two children and married april 2009. From the offset he very badly illtreated her, kept her as almost a slave. There marriage has NOT been consumated she never even slept in the same bed as him. He has other girlfriends he has sexual relationships with. She left him for a month in october 2009 and stayed with filipino friends. He found her and blackmailed her with deportation so she went back to live with him, but is nothing more than an unpaid housemaid.
Since then she has found work and started living her own life a little. She says she cannot leave or divorce him untill she has been married for 2 years or she has to go back to Fillipines were she has nothing. Her children are settled , friends school etc. Is she realy stuck. I have little knowledge of the legal options. Can anyone help PLEASE...
She is very unhappy

Filipina's are very emotional if they had a very bad trauma. She is lucky to have a concerned friend (boyfriend) like you. Year 2008, Filipino fiancées and spouses of foreign citizens who are leaving the country are required to attend the Commission on Filipinos Overseas (CFO) guidance and counseling programs in order to secure the Guidance and Counseling Certificate (GCC) and the CFO sticker. This Pre-Departure Orientation Seminar (P.D.O.S) is a pre-requisite to the issuance of passports. THIS PROGRAM HELPS Filipino fiancées and spouses of foreign nationals make informed decisions regarding their marriage to foreign nationals and to prepare them for their adjustments in cross-cultural marriages. The two-hour seminar include topics about migration laws, welfare and support services available in their country of destination, their rights overseas; and tips on how to cope up if in case there’ll be problematic or difficult domestic situations.
WE are given books, leaflets of website where to contact if in case we encountered things like that of what u mentioned. TALK to her about this. She may contact the helpful filipino links from the list, she can find a lot of filipinos who are a member of a Filipino community where she can find help like solicitors & advisers.
It's hard to judge her as I've seen the unbelievable true to life stories from the seminar of how Filipina wives are being treated. It's scary and distressful. There's one wife who was treated like a prisoner and a sex slave & a lot of stories never been told in the public.
If she is unhappy, she should give any close Filipina friend a shout that she needs help & I'm sure she can find one. A year is quiet long for her to suffer. Hope she keeps a diary of how she was treated or some evidence.
Hope she can find help about this matter.

[GaryCambs]

Filipina's are very emotional if they had a very bad trauma. She is lucky to have a concerned friend (boyfriend) like you. Year 2008, Filipino fiancées and spouses of foreign citizens who are leaving the country are required to attend the Commission on Filipinos Overseas (CFO) guidance and counseling programs in order to secure the Guidance and Counseling Certificate (GCC) and the CFO sticker. This Pre-Departure Orientation Seminar (P.D.O.S) is a pre-requisite to the issuance of passports. THIS PROGRAM HELPS Filipino fiancées and spouses of foreign nationals make informed decisions regarding their marriage to foreign nationals and to prepare them for their adjustments in cross-cultural marriages. The two-hour seminar include topics about migration laws, welfare and support services available in their country of destination, their rights overseas; and tips on how to cope up if in case there’ll be problematic or difficult domestic situations.
WE are given books, leaflets of website where to contact if in case we encountered things like that of what u mentioned. TALK to her about this. She may contact the helpful filipino links from the list, she can find a lot of filipinos who are a member of a Filipino community where she can find help like solicitors & advisers.
It's hard to judge her as I've seen the unbelievable true to life stories from the seminar of how Filipina wives are being treated. It's scary and distressful. There's one wife who was treated like a prisoner and a sex slave & a lot of stories never been told in the public.
If she is unhappy, she should give any close Filipina friend a shout that she needs help & I'm sure she can find one. A year is quiet long for her to suffer. Hope she keeps a diary of how she was treated or some evidence.
Hope she can find help about this matter.

Update. It seems I have opened rather a diverse can of worms here. I thank you all for your comments but especially those who do not instantly draw the conclusion that I am some ''rouge'' trying to steal another mans wife, or that the lady is simply ''playing'' the field. Having spent a little time exploring this very imformative site (where the immediate assumption is that if an English guy has any form of communication with a Filipino girl it is for relationship purpose or marriage) I can fully understand the comments from members suggesting this.But I have to tell you this is not the case in this situation. Remember I met the lady in question socially (not via any dating website or format). At the time I met her I was totally unaware of her situation,.. so yes then I could have considered a possible relationship. Under the present circumstances there is no intention of any form of relationship from either side other than concerned friendship. So I am not attempting to steal another mans wife nor Is the lady attempting to ''hustle'' me in some way,as has been suggested. The lady came to the uk having been convinced by the promises of her now husband of a better life for her and her children. What she has told me is the truth and she has evidence of police intervention ( the first only four days after her marriage). Untill very recently (when she started attending the local catholic church and met other filipino people) she had been kept a virtual prisoner due to her lack of knowledge of the uk and our procedures. She has to work very long hours to support herself and her two children with no finacial aid from her ''husband''. He only provides her with a place to live in return (now) for domestic services. Previously (and I do not know how to phrase this) it had been suggested that ''other sexually related services'' would be expected. Not with her husband however but with the husbands grown son who only four days after her ''marriage'' attempted to contrive her into a physical relationship with him.
This threat has however been removed.
She has proof that whilst refusing to give her and her children any financial support, her ''husband'' is sending money to three other females from the Filipenes that he contacted via one of the many websites.
He openly chats to these females in her presence via yahoo and seems to obtain some sort of weird pleasure from the distress he causes her by doing this. He constantly threatens her both physically and emotionally in an attempt to control her. The latest threat being that if she does not continue to comply he will issue divorce proceedings against her ( not sure wht grounds he could use though) and instantly get the home office to deport her and her two children whilst he visits one of his new ladies in the filipenes to persue marriage to her. Her only wish at the moment is to be able to remain in the uk for the sake of her childrens future and it seem she is prepared to undergo any unhappiness herself to achive this (she is afraid to take any actual legal action against her husband for fear she will not be belived) as the alternative is for her and her children to be sent back to the filipenes, where she has nothing. She even sold belongings, clothes, etc two days prior to her departure from the filipenes to help raise money to assist her husband with costs. I am very concerned for her and as a British citizen ( just a normal guy, not some devious rouge) I am ashamed that such a situation exists in the Uk today. I have told her to seek help from the C A B but she has no confidence to do anything as her ''husband'' has convinced her that most of what she tells them would be ignored as she is simply a Filipino wife, a foreigner, who's accusations against him as a uk citizen would be ignored. I wonder how many other innocent Women from the filipenes are undergoing simialr circumstances maybe many . Surley there is some means for her to escape this without the risk of being deported. I await further insight. Thank you

[Maria B]

Update. I wonder how many other innocent Women from the filipenes are undergoing simialr circumstances maybe many . Surley there is some means for her to escape this without the risk of being deported. I await further insight. Thank you

There are a lot of Filipina naive victims everywhere in the world GaryCrambs. I even have one friend now who's married for 7 years and yet despite of all the abuse, she still loves him & very loyal to him. What can I do?

In your friend's case...hope she can talk to her filipino friends from the church about it.
I still have here my "Handbook for Filipino Spouses and other partners of British Nationals". It's all about settling in the uk, rights, all forms of domestic abuse, etc....

Please give this link to her:

Support Network in the United Kingdom
London:
Hammersmith Office
St. Albans Church Community Centre
2 Margravine Road, London WV6 8HJ
Tel No: (020) 7381-2600
Fax No: (020) 7381-2484
email: cf@clara.net

Centre for Filipinos
Camden Office
59 Chalton Street, London NW1 1HY
Tel No: (020) 7388-5845
Fax No: (020) 7383-7520
email: cfcamden@homechoice.co.uk

anything else, let her talk to the Phil Embassy. For sure they can assist her to any links about her status.

Philippine Embassy London
6-8 Suffolk Street
London SW1Y 4HG
020 7451 1780
mailto:embassy@philemb.co.uk

9.00am - 1.00pm and 2.00pm - 5.00pm
Monday thru Friday, except Philippine and UK holidays.

Assistance to Nationals
020 7451 1826
atnlondonpe@philemb.co.uk

Somebody refered to me a Filipina Solicitor in London, I just can't retrieve it thru my emails. But if I find it, I will let u know.

Hope this helps. Wish her all the best & luck

[grahamw48]

We had to attend that back in 1991.

[Tawi2]

The latest threat being that if she does not continue to comply he will issue divorce proceedings against her ( not sure wht grounds he could use though) and instantly get the home office to deport her and her two children whilst he visits one of his new ladies in the filipenes to persue marriage to her.

Can I ask how old you are(scratch that,I just saw your 46 years old,ever been married before?)?
Ever thought your just being spun a line?I know for a fact just how manipulative some pinays are and how gullible some western guys are who arent exactly worldly-wise,not saying this is you but that last post seemed a little innocent

her ''husband'' has convinced her that most of what she tells them would be ignored as she is simply a Filipino wife, a foreigner, who's accusations against him as a uk citizen would be ignored.

Never buy these tear-jerky stories unless their is proof-positive,it reads like a pinoy tele-novela,sorry for my cynicism.

[GaryCambs]

Can I ask how old you are(scratch that,I just saw your 46 years old,ever been married before?)?
Ever thought your just being spun a line?I know for a fact just how manipulative some pinays are and how gullible some western guys are who arent exactly worldly-wise,not saying this is you but that last post seemed a little innocent

Never buy these tear-jerky stories unless their is proof-positive,it reads like a pinoy tele-novela,sorry for my cynicism.

Yes I realise it sounds like somethig you would view on a tv soap but Fact is that it is the truth. I f you read all of my postings you will see that the basis of what she is saying has been confirmed by mutual friends and that i have seen copies of the police statements she has made (and i do know what one looks like) together with a letter from her husband promising to amend his ways following seperation just 12 weeks after their marriage. And in the event she is spinning a line as you say why? what would she have to gain from me there is no relationship between us ! And yes I have been married before twice and not a sucker for a sob story. This is genuine . I tried to keep the posting as simple as possible perhaps that is why it seems ''innocent'' The reality is not so simple very complicated in fact and if it were some sort of story for sympathy or whatever it is one hell of an elobarate situation for a person to contrive

[grahamw48]

The answer is quite simple.

Give her the telephone number of social services and the local 'battered' wives shelter.

Obviously if the lady IS being used and abused I have every sympathy with her, but there are plenty of agencies who will be able to help.

[Tawi2]

While talking the other evening she told me that the filipino way was for me to ask her to be my girlfriend. I did and she accepted.

Under the present circumstances there is no intention of any form of relationship from either side other than concerned friendship

So which is it

[GaryCambs]

So which is it

To confirm the situation with regard to the ''girlfriend'' . I met the lady having been invited to a party hosted by a male, english, friend and his filipino wife. We chatted, seemed to get along so I asked her if she would like to meet for coffee sometime. We met a couple of times during the second meet I asked her if she would consider going on an actual date with me for dinner (remember at this time I knew nothing of her situation she had only spoken of her children and work etc) . She then light heartedly said that if she were to go on a date with me it was the filipino way for me to ask her to be my girlfriend. So laughingly I said ''ok will you be my girlfriend'' . It was then that she explained to me that she could not and went on to disclose her situation. Since then , yes we have met , but only as friends (used in the english terminology) . But mostly spoken over the phone were more and more of her obscure situation has been revealed. Does that clarify. ??

[Tawi2]

The reality is not so simple very complicated in fact and if it were some sort of story for sympathy or whatever it is one hell of an elobarate situation for a person to contrive

You think THATS elaborate Read Mickcants story,now HIS is elaborate!

what would she have to gain from me there is no relationship between us

Didnt you ask to be her boyfriend?

[GaryCambs]

You think THATS elaborate Read Mickcants story,now HIS is elaborate!

Didnt you ask to be her boyfriend?

I Belive I have read some of mickCants story within the forums. But in his situation his fiance or whatever she was,, used the tale to extract money. This lady (lets give her a name to simplify postings, we will call here Ann )has not asked me for anything other than advice and help, if I am able to give it , so that she may gain the courage to extract herself and her children from a very distructive situation. She does now have a job working in a nursing home so would be able to support herself and children.
I am as positive this is is not a fabricated story. If we were talking of an English girl in the same situation would you then say it is a story fabricated for gain I doubt it.
She simply does not know what to do......her priority is to her children and their future which would be far better here in the uk. Yes I have of course suggested various agencies who would be able to help her. She is so afraid however that if she approaches any organisation it will result in her deportation. As she said to me the other day '' I would only do something to help myself if I could be 100% sure that I would still be able to get leave to remain visa and give my children a future here in the uk''.
Yet she does not know how to get the clarification she needs. I ask you guys on here who are married to filipino ladies in the same circumstanceswould you wife have known what to do after only just over a year in the uk 9 months of which she had been totally isolated. Ann did not even know how to apply for a credit card. !!

[Tawi2]

Yes it does clarify,you shed more light on this time than your title "I have a philippine girlfriend" and

was for me to ask her to be my girlfriend. I did and she accepted.

It was then that she explained to me that she could not

??? Neither of which sounded jokey or lighthearted,my apologies but I guess time has hardened or innured me to these sort of tales as they all roll into one and seem similar,good luck in whatever you decide to do

[grahamw48]

So, she is more interested in not being deported, than in the welfare of herself and her children ?

'Economic gain'. Can't see that going down well with the UKBA.

There are millions in that queue....many currently starving to death.

[GaryCambs]

Graham How can a mother, who is prepared to take at least emotional abuse maybe even physical, in order to give her children a better life be classified as doing it for economic gain ???. Ann came to the uk in good faith having been duped by the promises of her ''husband'' that he loved her, would care for her and her children etc. She sold everything she had in the filipenes and has nothing other than poverty to return to. Instead of the love and care promised just weeks after her marriage she is subjected to sexual harrasment from her husbands older son, with the knowledge even encouragement of her ,husband discovers her husband has a uk girlfriend, has to sit by while he has online flirtations via chat with three other women still in the uk (proven fact) Takes emotional abuse and untill very recently (when she joined the local catholic church and met other filipinos) was isolated from anything or anyone her husband did not want her to see. Ann now works very hard sometimes long and even double shifts in a nursing home to support herself and her children she would ask nothing of the state (unlike the many scroungers of our own nationality) . Her choices seem to be
1) Be willing to submit to being introduced to her husbands mistriss, watch him chat and send money to online girlfriends in the filopines, provide housekeeping services , , accept the occasional bout of temper and emotional abuse from her husband, live in fear of visits from her husbands son.
If she accepts this she and her children can stay in the uk.
If she does not comply she, and more importantly to her, her children, get deported back to nothing abject poverty.
The world has gone mad if a mother wanting what is best for her childrens future can be called Economic gain. !!!!!!!

[Jimbojac]

I think you have analysed this situation well Gary, i first read this thread a while ago and thought you may have been taken in a bit by this woman but it seems that she maybe very genuine in her plight here.
There are many " sick" individuals out there that seek to control and physcologically torture others and this woman could be a victim of one of these twisted individuals.
Help her as a friend and good things could come about from your friendship, most Filipina women are " good " people and it is perhaps fortunate for you that she chooses you to help her, maybe she sees in you something caring and is attracted to that?
Good luck and best wishes.

[GaryCambs]

Thank you It is good to see that some people on this forum can relate to the topic how it actually is instead of always reading dark motives into the situation. At this moment in time I have no regard to wether or not '' good things may come about of our friendship'' ok as they say we never know what the future holds but the priority now is how I can help her ?? not for any gain or reason other than being a caring individual who has stumbled across a situation that is so unjust. I do not know HOW to help her. She obviously wants to extract herself from the distructive situation, has more than enough grounds for divorce, and can support herself and children. However she is in fear that if she takes any form of legal action it will result in her deportation and as a result will not do so unless she can be 100% sure this will not happen. She has asked me how to find out if she could seperate from her husband and divorce yet still be 100% sure she will be granted her ilr visa. If any one can supply the answer I would be very gratefull. Thanks:

[Steve.r]

However she is in fear that if she takes any form of legal action it will result in her deportation and as a result will not do so unless she can be 100% sure this will not happen. She has asked me how to find out if she could seperate from her husband and divorce yet still be 100% sure she will be granted her ilr visa.

Appears that you have had plenty of advice already, she is not willing to help herself. She is worried that she might not get her ILR, I call that a little selfish to be honest, and will be seen as 'economic gain' by the UKBA. If i was in that situation I would take myself back home to a place and people who know and love me. The family support from home will be far better than her being here under threat of abuse, yet she does nothing to help herself.
You are getting tangled up in a web of stories and trying to help, but you are going round in circles.
A sad situation for sure, but what will she do... nothing??? , who will support her? I guess you and me will through our tax £'s ... is that fair

[GaryCambs]

Steve Ann as a job she can support herself.
She has nothig left in the filllopenes to return to a

[Steve.r]

She has nothig left in the filllopenes to return to

I understand that is how she feels, as she told you she has 'nothing' in Phils, but she 'has' family and support there... it seems she has nothing here.

[Terpe]

.... I do not know HOW to help her. She obviously wants to extract herself from the distructive situation, has more than enough grounds for divorce, and can support herself and children. However she is in fear that if she takes any form of legal action it will result in her deportation and as a result will not do so unless she can be 100% sure this will not happen. She has asked me how to find out if she could seperate from her husband and divorce yet still be 100% sure she will be granted her ilr visa. If any one can supply the answer I would be very gratefull. Thanks:

GaryCambs, firstly she must understand that there is not a 100% sure way to a any kind of visa.
Now, if you want to help her we must establish some simple facts and move forward step by step within the framework of immigration rules, British Law and EU law. Someone is going to have to provide financial support also.

1. Are you prepared to fund the needed actions? or Can she support?
2. What is her current visa status? I am guessing she has FLR and will be applying for ILR at her next step right?
3. How long has she been LIVING IN UK with FLR status? What exact date did her FLR begin? and What exact date does her FLR expire?
4. Did she already pass the Life In UK test?
5. Is she working?

Be informed that English divorce law is not quite as simple as you may think. If you have some interest do some research. There are only five valid reasons.

Always solutions when step by step.

[GaryCambs]

Thanks for your reply Terpe.

Ann came to uk with fiance visa december 2009. Now has spouse visa, is that F L R?
She tells me she can apply for ILR april/may 2012 I think her present visa expire june 2012. Both her and her daughter (18 in december) study for life in uk test and will take soon. She als has son age 10. I have some knowledge of uk divorce law having been through a long hurtfull divorce battle myself.

[grahamw48]

I agree Steve.

The OP should really leave the young lady's newly-found Filipino friends/community to help and advise her.

I'm sorry to say Gary, but at present you are obviously quite naive in the matters being discussed, and in particular about the Philippines and its culture.

Unless you do some serious research (most of what you need to know is available on here, should you decide to do a simple search), then you are likely to do more harm than good.

[Tawi2]

she had been kept a virtual prisoner

But was able to attend at least one party and a few dates with you who looked after the children while she was socialising