a trait of a foreign men or men in general....need advice, I'm so confused

[sweetnote143]

I need advice coz I really dont know what to do anymore. I cant understand what's going on anymore. I guess I've already mentioned about my bf in the Introduction forum. He's been keeping quiet since Friday night because I asked help from him, a favor if he can let me borrow until Friday for my salary......WAIT! Before you judge me as a scammer, hear me out first. I wasnt asking for millions, and I was only asking for favor which can be answered by 'yes' or 'no'. I have no other else to turn to.

Before you raise your eyebrows, I'm not a poor lady looking for money. I have a job, my salary may not be that much but I'm contented. I work as a research assistant in the University. My whole life revolve around the academe world. Even when I was a kid my whole future was already planned out, to work in the academe. My mom is a professor, my father has a high position in one of the government agencies. We are not poor but we aren't rich either. But my life is a pretty sheltered one. I have fair share of financial crisis once in a while. But what really drained me out, I'm not complaining but it's a fact, was the amount I spend for e-load so I can always send SMS to him. I guess you know pretty well how much it cost for a single text, and add 3 to 6 SMS just in one night....add how many days in a month....I think you know how much it is costing me....I didnt mind coz I am happy sending him SMS, letting him know that I'm thinking about him...sweetnothings but important to us. Before, I can only send him 1 to 2 SMS in a day, he complained coz he thought I wasnt serious about him. So I made the effort coz somehow I want to work things out.....

Dont get idea that he's not a nice guy, he is...He is sweet guy, he always worries when he think I'm worrying something. He calls frequently just to say he misses me.....we share a lot of laughter coz he also has a good sense of humor. He always makes me laugh. We can talk about anything. I can pick on his brain about anything that comes to my mind. Intelligent guy is far more appealing to me than just handsome and beautiful men. That's why I like him, I can talk to him. The only thing that make us quarrel is our stubbornness, we're both stubborn. I for one is a proud person, I never had the need to prove myself to anybody. Aside from being stubborn, we are both temperamental. I have a temperament that can match him. It's not our first quarrel, we even broke up twice. He was suppose to visit me by May but we quarreled and lost our communication for 2 months. Both of our quarrels were my fault, I was arrogant and proud. He couldnt understand me and me as well to him. What the hell do I know of foreign men? It's my first time to try a relationship with a guy who is not Pinoy. And to top my craziness, I haven't meet him in person yet though we see each other almost everyday through SKYPE.

Most of the time he gets restless of our situation, and I dont comment at all and that sometimes makes him mad. He feels like I dont give a damn, which is the opposite. I'm not much a talker, and I've adapted to the trait of a researcher, think first all the options and analyze which is the best choice. He cant understand that side of me. It's useless to talk when I dont have the answer. He gets angry every time he offers financial help and I refuse. Which is really an irony of what is happening to us right now....now that I need help, he chooses silence. I'm confused, I dont know what to think of him. I only have a simple principle, mean what you say. I feel like I step into a trap he set before me so he can judge me like what he think of us. I dont know what to think anymore. I dont want to judge him but how can I understand if he wont tell me? One reason that I havent got married early like in my early 20s because I found out that men are only good with their words but never with deeds. I dont want to put him to that category, I know that he has reason. But what reason when he doesnt even talk to me. God, I will go nuts just thinking.

Sorry if this is quite too long....I dont have to talk with. I dont know what to do.

[Koala]

I think your right he thinks your scamming him.......But I can't understant you state that he offered you financial help but he became angry when you refused his kind assistance. You need to tell him why and he needs to understand the difference in the amount of wages you both are receiving. surely he must be able to work that out.

If he doesn't reply and if you are telling the truth it might be time to move on.

I hope not and you can both work things out

Koala

[sweetnote143]

But I can't understant you state that he offered you financial help but he became angry when you refused his kind assistance. You need to tell him why and he needs to understand the difference in the amount of wages you both are receiving. surely he must be able to work that out.
Koala

Thanks, Koala. He knows how much I earn every month. I've been upfront with him about that. He offered financial help many times but I always said I can manage. He said that I shouldnt make a big deal about money coz it's just ....... money.....pardon my language, that was his exact word. He's been asking me to start getting requirements for passport and possible for visa application. I know our real score that it's not that easy to apply for a visa but he doesnt know that. He keep asking me the reasons and he felt that I was making excuses coz he thought that it should be easy.

Anyways, he got angry one time that I borrowed from my friend so I can finally apply for my passport. He said that I shouldnt have done that, that I should have asked him and waited until he send me the money. But despite of his offer, how many times he offered, I know that deep inside he still have the notion that we are good for nothing women who are after his money. Well, my bad that I take his words and find the courage to ask help coz I badly needed help. What good it did me? Silence. I'm hurt, pissed off, confused. I dont know what to make of it.

About moving on, I hope it's that easy coz I had 2 months before to do that but those months I was in hell a lot of pain. I should have listen to my colleagues, that I shouldnt believe his words coz I dont know him that much. This might be news to some but almost everyone werent keen about me getting serious with a foreign guy. They advice me that the only time I should have take him seriously is when I finally know him in person. That he should prove if he is worthy to have me. But I'm stubborn, hard to believe but I fall in love with him.

Next time a man offers me financial help, I'll accept his money and shove it down his throat! Before anybody judge me, try to know me well, try to see life from my shoes. Much better idea, don't judge at all. We are not God, we are not perfect. Try to see your own dirt before anybody throws dirt on me.

I dont mean to be rude but it's really pissing me off. I dont want to be arrogant as well but how may women would love to trade in my shoes, have the education that I have, the job I have, the family I have, circle of friends that I have. We are not that different if we look past our prejudices.

I hope I havent offended anyone in this site. I just want to understand.

[sweetnote143]

I'm sorry for my outburst but if you were on my shoes being judged without a trial of getting to know me, I think you will understand what I'm feeling right now. Sorry again

[Koala]

Sweetnote you are really worked up about this its not hard to tell be your post.....If that is the case I would just let it go.

Move on not all foreigners are like that and there is some bad apples out there.......But I would not let so much anger build up.....Just be polite and move on there is plenty of fish in the sea......Also a lot of bait haha

Koala

[sweetnote143]

you are right, koala....I'm quite an easy going person, it's unlike me to be this angry...It's not going to do me any good but bitterness and I dont want to be bitter....I love to laugh and make silly jokes....I guess it's high time to forgive and forget and move on......I guess I'll start thinking about my future. Maybe it's high time for me to listen to my seniors, consider seriously about the scholarship they want me to apply for a graduate degree.....I guess my world after all is the academe, less heartache though a lot of headache

thanks again for your advice, much appreciated

[sweetnote143]

I forgot to say this, welcome to this site, Koala! I hope you'll settle well in Dumaguete....people here are pretty helpful. Thanks again for not taking it against me......

[Koala]

Your welcome sweetnote.......I bet you feel better being back to your old self.......A degree is always going to improve your life.......plus meeting new people and you never know what might happen.....We are both new on this site......so chin up and enjoy life

Koala

[sweetnote143]

I feel a little better and silly now that I'm a bit myself....jeez I hope he wont find this site and read this post or else I'll make him more angry... I guess lack of sleep since Friday made me a wreak....i feel a little much better since Friday. If he decided to give up, it's up to him...I'm not going to beg.....I'll strive for my dream, at least that's a better consolation...way much better than heartaches......

[sweetnote143]

Despite of the pain I feel right now, I miss him so so much. I will trade everything that I have if only everything will be okay....even if I'm not a religious person, I will pray and walk on my knees just to see him again......I miss his smile, his jokes, the sound of his laughter, his frown, his stares......God, I'm a mess....nothing will be the same, I know, but how I wish we'll talk again. I'm used to him being there to talk with when I get to the office, his sms when he's at work, his calls during his breaks......all I want this time is at least to have a talk with him. If he will decide to end our relationship, I wont stop him as long as he'll tell me his reason.

I'm in deep ..... I know that I have a lot of pride, but I've realized that pride is a cold company at night.

[sars_notd_virus]

I'm in deep .....

get out of the quagmire!! obviously if the man really loves you he will meet you in real and everything will start from there.
theres no point in assuming the traits of each persons whether foreigner or not especially if your just both hooked up in a virtual relationship(sms/chat online etc)...waste of time,money and life.

[sweetnote143]

hmmmm.......a good point there.....thanks, sars_notd_virus. much appreciated

[Terpe]

sweetnote143,

Maintaining a good long distance relationship (LDR) isn't easy. A lot of couples even suggest that they have more quarrels in LDR than when they are together in SDR (Short Distance Relationship)

Based on what you've already shared with us we know that you haven't physically met so far, and that this LDR has been 6 months in the making.

Maybe I'm way off base here, but I feel there's already been plenty of quarrels, and, in my view, mostly about who has control.

In any LDR putting your trust in the continuance of communication, through thick and thin, is a key issue. All relationships can be a risky business for us and we all risk getting hurt from time to time. Quality relationships also need effort. An effort that shows just how willing are we to go out on a limb and sacrifice a little vulnerability for the greater good?

It is fairly well publicised, even in this forum, that requests for money under any circumstances is an almost surefired way to bring the word 'scammer' to mind and to tempt the end of communications.
I hope you can really understand and accept that possibility.

On the other side of the coin I have some harsh words.
It could also be that in this LDR your B/F is abusing you. In this LDR your B/F is abandoning you. And he's not even giving you a chance.

Silence is a cheap and easy way to control and direct one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book.
It's a horrible feeling to be ignored and be denied affection. And there's nothing you can do.

Whatever his reasons my personal suggestion would be to try this:-
Firstly, apologise that you may have said or done something to upset him.
Honestly express just how his silence makes you feel. That you want to work things through by talking, but his behaviour prevents that.
Explain that his silence is impacting your life and wellbeing, and that if it continues much longer you'll assume that he no longer wants the friendship and you will not wait any longer.

It has nothing to do with traits of either foreign men or men in general, but maybe more to do with the traits of insecure and control seeking humans.
No offence intended.

[joebloggs]

It has nothing to do with traits of either foreign men or men in general, but maybe more to do with the traits of insecure and control seeking humans.
No offence intended.

[grahamw48]

To be honest, I thought I was reading about a couple of lovestruck teenagers.

You two need to meet, and turn fantasy into reality.

Of course you or he might not like that reality.

[bornatbirth]

how long have you been chatting?

if he hasnt come to see you or made any plans to do so within 6 months....then ask him why!

all filipinas need a little help....cant understand guys that will leave everything to the lady

[Koala]

I quite agree bornatbirth all this talk for over 6 months offering financial assistance and when she asked for assistance she gets shut out.....A real good slap in the face...... some people can't handle the cold shoulder and it can be painful......She is not the scammer......he is

[sweetnote143]

sweetnote143,
An effort that shows just how willing are we to go out on a limb and sacrifice a little vulnerability for the greater good?

Silence is a cheap and easy way to control and direct one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book.
It's a horrible feeling to be ignored and be denied affection. And there's nothing you can do.

It has nothing to do with traits of either foreign men or men in general, but maybe more to do with the traits of insecure and control seeking humans.
No offence intended.

none taken, terpe, I'm actually grateful. I respect people who are straightforward and frank, I'm not a mind reader and I appreciate being told even if it will hurt me. I've been reading all the advice they posted here. They made a lot of sense than racking my brain for some explanations.

If he only ranted on me, I can take that coz at least I know what's on his mind. True, silence hurts more and affected me greatly. It affected my job, couldnt concentrate and my job requires my whole attention and my brain. My job is pretty brain draining, gives me a lot of headache but I love the challenge.

Koala was right, maybe not the exact word but same context. He finally send an SMS, he told me last night that he was disappointed. I was more disappointed, to be honest, that he can be that shallow. I know now the truth that what we have was just a one-sided trust kind of relationship. There is no need for me to prove that he can trust me. I cant change a mind that is already closed to what he only wants to believe. He is blind because he can't tell the difference between a genuine and a fake. A pity that he can throw away everything we started for his disappointment. I cant stay in a relationship where there is no trust. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship.

I'm already tired, I'm not a toy that cant feel pain and can be put aside while sulking. I can be humble in front of him but too much humility leads to losing my self-esteem. I dont want to pick my pieces all over again. I need to save myself and walk out while I still can.

Thank you all and sorry for my outburst. I have come to the right place to seek advice. Thank you, guys!

[Koala]

Well done sweetnote you did the right thing......I have been living here in Dgte well over 10 years in a lot of threads you hear of guy's complaining about pinoys girls scamming foreigners......but I can tell you there is a lot of foreign man that come here and scam the women here also.

Put it down to experience.......don't think all foreigners are like that because most aren't.

Like I said I'm new to this site and seems like a good community to be part of.

Koala

[sweetnote143]

thanks....I agree.....scamming is nothing to do whether he/she is a foreigner or not, a filipina or not, but it has to do with greed.

[Moy]

girls are looking for stability, both financial and in the relationship, and older foreign men are typically able to provide both. They are in general financially well off

[ann_barnett]

sweetnote143,
It has nothing to do with traits of either foreign men or men in general, but maybe more to do with the traits of insecure and control seeking humans.
No offence intended.

Very well said Terpe...

[junior02]

To be honest, I thought I was reading about a couple of lovestruck teenagers.

You two need to meet, and turn fantasy into reality.

Of course you or he might not like that reality.

Just cant understand how some people can get so hitup and emotional with another person when they have never even met....

[grahamw48]

Something wrong when a guy can't just buy an airticket and GO !

If I was that crazy about someone and didn't have the cash, I'd just sell my car or something to finance the trip, take a couple of weeks off work....whatever.

[sweetnote143]

Something wrong when a guy can't just buy an airticket and GO !

If I was that crazy about someone and didn't have the cash, I'd just sell my car or something to finance the trip, take a couple of weeks off work....whatever.

then, graham, that means that he's not that crazy about me...that sucks
naive on my part to believe that he is serious.....oh well, life goes on....my mom asked me once, "why do I attract the wrong kind of men?" nice question but I dont have the answer....maybe my mom is right that wrong kind of men get attracted to me.....and the foolish me always wanted to believe that they mean their word and hope they were going to keep it.....lesson learned, do not believe everything a man tells me....and best of all, use my head and not my heart so I wont get hurt again

[Tawi2]

why do I attract the wrong kind of men

Tell your mum like attracts like,that should get her thinking (even though in your case it is probably a case of opposits attract ).

[Jimbojac]

Yep, lot of " jokers" on the internet both women and men.
I have been scammed amazingly and coming from me an ex-car salesman believe me she was good at the scam she pulled!
However i agree with a lot of the comments submitted by the good folks on here..........
To maintain a relationship in the good old Phils is easy financially to most of us Western guys and to send a few pesos a month is little to us in most cases.
15 pesos a foreign SMS text is SO MUCH money to many Pinays who are maybe earning 200 a day which is average for many in the provinces. { remember an internal text is approx 1 peso.}
Anyway, by no means am i a rich guy but have still managed to go to the Phils 5 times in the last 2 years. Ok i am self-employed and can choose my free time admittedly but still.............i think there is no excuse for a guy not to go to the Phils unless he really is financially poor in which case i genuinely feel sorry for him.
So, i have met my current Girlfriend twice in person now and we chat online for at least a couple of hours a day. Total time spent together is a couple of months and she is great company. I bought her a used laptop so that we can spend much more time online without the hassles of her going to the internet cafes.
So ladies, if a guy is serious he will commit. Financially i would say that anyone should only send substantial cash if they have met the person and totally trust them. If you do have a great relationship online without having actually met the person do consider a small monthly allowance to help pay internet and SMS costs, it really is little and if it turns sour what have you lost a quid a day? Personally i have friends there and every few months i will send a few pesos for kids birthdays etc. They pay me back by great hospitality and i have a great time with them.
Remember folks karma.................

[grahamw48]

Good stuff Jim.

[Moy]

We're not going to lie. A man boasting abs chiseled to perfection and biceps that pop just enough when flexed (without shredding shirts He-Man style) will no-doubt turn our heads. And even if caught mid check-him-out glance, we're not about to look away. Fit, toned bodies are the result of hard work and dedication to a healthy lifestyle. We certainly pay homage to that. But for a man to achieve a skyrocketing score on the sexiness scale there's got to be more to him than physical assets. Throw in these seven traits and he's guaranteed irresistible.

[sweetnote143]

Tell your mum like attracts like,that should get her thinking (even though in your case it is probably a case of opposits attract ).

nah, that's not gonna work with my mom she's so intelligent that before I come up with a question she already has an answer...and sometimes my questions are answered with more questions....most of the time I end up with a headache from all the thinking....that's what u get for having a genius mom........ poor mom to have a simpleton daughter......just kidding