Unhappy married to evil abusive insulting husband. But only spouse visa

[Ann]

Hello people of the forum.
I am Ann. I have a big situation that I hope someone will help me with please. My friend already post on forum to ask for help for me but it seem many disbelive what he say or fight with him telling him he is wrong or bad or that I am bad.
I am very unhappy in my marriage to my husband. When he visit me in phils in 2008 he convince me he is a good man who is divorced who will love me and take care of me and my children. I arrive iin Uk december 2009 with fiance visa. I only here for a few weeks when my husband to be change to evil man. I find out that even I am here to marry him he still chat to other girls on internet and even send them money. I try to tell him this is not good but he just get angry and tell me what he do is nothing to do with me. So I tell him I am unhappy and will go back phils. Then he turn into the nice man again and manage to convince me to stay and marry him. We marry 1 june 2010.
I live with him and my 2 children , son age 11 and daughter age 17 and his son age 36.
I always have feeling that something is not right bcoz my husband does not want to make love to me. So I ask him and he tell me he cannot bcoz he impotent. This would not matter so much to me but also I find he still chat to other ladies and always sending them money.
I have no friend in uk in 2010 so have to stay in house I cry all the time bcoz i am so unhappy I ask my husband why he always chat ladies and send money. He get angry and say that he do not chat ladies but I know he lie bcoz I and my kids have watch him chat on laptop and cellphone. Also i find many bills from western union that prove he send money. Then my husband son make suggestions that he can have sex with me in place of my husband. The son always follow me in bedroom and if i go in bathroom and try to touch me. I am so unhappy and frighten. I cry all the time but try to look happy for the sake of my kids. If I try to go out house my husband or his son follow me and make me go back to house.
Then i meet another lady from phils who live very near and have courage to talk to her and ask what I can do.
She tell me to go to local Church on Sundays where I can meet more people from Phils to ask help.
I keep trying to ride out the problems of my situation bcoz sake of my kids and to give them better life in uk but when husband son keep trying to kiss and touch me i cannot stand and seperate my husband for 10 weeks.
My husband find me and convince me to try again our marriage. He promise that son will leave house and that he stop chat and send money to other ladies. I want to try to sort out things for my kids so I go back husband he is good to me for little while and we are friends. Then I find he start to chat again and send more money......also he say I have to start work bcoz he cannot pay to provide for me and my kids. I ask him why he cannot be good husband why he insult me with other ladies we fight and he say if i do not shut up he will kill me. he threaten me so i run to neighbour who call police. I am worried so i try and pretend happy bcoz when we fight my kids cry.
I find job and go to work here i meet more ladies from phils. They tell me to not accept the situation and sometimes invite me to their house but only i can go when my husband working if i try go when he is home he follow and make me come home or he call polce and tell them i run away. I am so unhappy I try to pretend i am happy to get a peacefull life I even try accept that my husband chat other ladies send money and even have girlfriend in uk. I am sad and lonely so try to visit my new friends from phils when ever i can. I even manage to go to a party at party I meet a very kind English man who have concern for my situation.
He try to help me and has posted here to ask help.
Please do not judge me for what i now tell u. I only wanted a little happiness so even I married and the english guy at first refuse to meet me when he know i married we always chat on phone and txt. Then we meet again few times. he is a kind man gentle understanding. I am happy when i see him he makes laugh and send my worries away for a little time. Then he meet my kids and we all go out together several times. He so kind to me and my kids and my kids start to like him very much. Even we try not to meet we always agree to again bcoz we both miss so much.I know I start to fall in love with him and know he feel same for me also. But I have to pretend to still be happy and accept my husband chatting other ladies send money have girlfriend .Even my husband does not know about the new English man I meet If I go out my husband fight me threaten me tell me he send me home or divorce. Last week he throw things at me then he cut off tv and internet he also stop provide food and things for me and kids so I have to buy. I do not know what to do I only have spouse visa and would apply for LTR visa april 2011. I even consider going back to Phils but this not fair to my kids especially daughter who 18 this december. So I try to not talk to my new man and ride out with my husband for the sake of my kids. Even I still sleep with him allow him to hug and touch me but this make me want to vomit. He stillchat to other ladies and like for me to see him doing. I am so unhappy in my situation I just want away and to be with my new man with my kids. He say he will accept me and kids bcoz he love me also but I afraid if I do anything I will loose chance of visa for me and my kids I have to try and stay in uk for the sake of my kids future. My life so bad here Please help. Please do not judge me I am good person I came to uk in good faith to give myself and kids better chance in life but my husband evil man and I do not want to be with him or even see his face.

[grahamw48]

Hi Ann.

I'm glad that you were brave enough to come to the forum and tell us your story.

I know which person's posts you are referring to.

From what you are describing, it seems that you are married to a horrible pig of a man, and you need to get as far away from him as possible, along with your children, but I'm sure you realise that.

There is a site here for a respectable organisation who can offer some good advice (doesn't mean you need to have been physically abused).

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

They will have a branch near to you.

I don't think you need to worry too much about being allowed to stay in the UK, because of your circumstances. I'm sure that sympathy will be shown to you by the govt.

As you have already found, there will always be help and support for you from your local Filipino community and the Church (and this forum).

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and I'll let others here offer some advice too.

Try to keep smiling. YOU are not the bad person in this, and soon life will be happier for you I'm sure.

[purple]

Dear,

Kailan man ay hindi rason para sa iyo na tumigil sa bansang ito. May pag-asa pa naman ang mga anak mo sa Pilipinas. Why don't you go back to Phils and divorce your husband if he is treating you that way. Ask for divorce, and if that new English man cares for you, he can wait when the time is right. When you are free from what sounds like a horrible man.

If staying in this country makes your life threatened sa asawa mo.

If you can remember sa CFO training, there were numbers to call naman diba?

[LittleFingers]

sorry to hear of your plight.
This man (and his son) sounds dangerous.
Asking for a divorce may make matters worse.
Womens Aid sounds like best advice.
If you can get the money together I would personally get myself and kids back to the Philippines asap. - ie. without telling him.
Good Luck

[Moy]

a very tragic sad story ann my thoughts are in you..but if i were in your shoes i will go back to Philippines with my children and heal your wound..rather than stay on husband place ..that feel like a hell.. wasnt expect that worst story of yours..but sending my deepest sympathy
I am at a loss of words and don't know what to say to you to help you feel better.

[fred]

If I were you I`d wait for one of our experts here (probably guys like Joe Bloggs) to give their advice to how leaving your husband would effect your visa prospects etc..
Hang in there and take the advice given OK?
Stay calm and choose your options wisely... Dont panic..Just wait and check back with us.
We can help you...By hook or by crook.
.

[rusty]

http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/wh...esticviolence/

This link from the UKBA gives information on how your status could be changed because of domestic violence.

It also gives useful helplines numbers for victims.

[grahamw48]

That's the one.

Good post.

[Rosie1958]

Hi Ann ......... I too remember your friend posting, I think that you may both live in my area. I am so sorry to hear of your horrible predicament and have to admit that if I were you, I'd get away from this man and his son as fast as my legs would carry me. It sounds like you are putting yourself at risk by staying with him and the situation could only get worse. Children are often far more receptive than we give them credit for and their lives are affected by this awful mess too. They probably know what is going on.

Like the other women suggest, returning to the Philipppines does sound like the best option for now as ensuring your own safety and that of your children should be paramount.

Sending you a big hug
Rosie x

[axis22]

hi,sorry to hear about this awful situation.Its important to try and get as much support and advice as possible at this time,make some phone calls to some of the contact numbers mentioned by other posters and get legal advice to see where you stand.

Im sure the UK Border Agency would be very sympathetic if you and your children are in a situation where you are at risk.Think about making a diary of events that have occured,do u have witnesses? Also you said that on one occasion the police were called,what was the result of this,was he arrested for example? All this could be important if you were to to apply for ILR on this basis.

take care

axis22

[mickcant]

Also why not use the emergancy numbers you were given in your interview before you recived your exit stamp in your passport (cant remember the proper name).

Hope you can get help to get away from this scumbag of a man
Mick.

[KeithD]

Contact your local church and speak to the priest, he'll offer help.

What you are suffering is mental abuse which is pretty much the same as physical abuse. Use these sites and get away from him ASAP he WILL NOT change he's already proved that to you multiple times:
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/crimejus...ime/dg_4003136
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://refuge.org.uk/

[Terpe]

Ann,

I read your post with real sadness.
It's not the first time I have heard or known of similar stories.

I believe its much more common than most people would believe about how non-European Wives come to the UK and find out the guy they "courted and married" is
not up to being a much of 'husband' in many ways.
Most of us here know from experience it's a tough job that needs care, attention and love when you are looking out for someone new to the UK and
helping them to create a whole new life.Especially when children are involved.

The first and most important thing to understand, is that you are by no means in a hopeless situation. There is plenty of help and support to be had and a number of routes available to allow you to get out of your current unbearable situation.

Please do read the UKBA webpage link that rusty provided. This may well be you best route.

I suggest you also take a look at this document:-
http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs...w_and_NRPF.pdf
There is plenty of good information and advice.

Part of that document provides the foloowing useful information also:-

For free, confidential, legal advice on family law, including domestic violence, divorce and relationship breakdown and issues relating to children
call 020 7251 6577 (telephone) or 020 7490 2562 (textphone).
The advice line is open on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday 2pm–4pm and 7pm–9pm and Friday 12noon–2pm.

For free, confidential, legal advice on sexual violence, criminal, immigration and asylum law call 020 7251 8887 (telephone) or 020 7490 2562 (textphone).
The advice line is open on Mondays 11am-1pm and Tuesdays 10am-12noon


Laws relating to immigration and domestic violence are very complicated. I strongly advise that you seek specialist legal advice.

Plenty of advice and practical help is available to you free of charge through Legal Aid or through other funded means such as The Sojourner Project.

The Sojourner Project is actually fully funded and very closely supported by the Home Office.
Here is the link for The Sojourner Project :-
http://www.eaves4women.co.uk/Sojourner/Sojourner.php

Finally, I know this sounds harsh, but as your daughter will be 18 this December you MUST take some action now in order that she can be included in the 'whole case'. Once she reaches 18 she may need to take her own independent action

[Arthur Little]

Ann ... a very warm to the filipino/uk forum. Here, you can be assured of being among friends who are genuine people - truly sympathetic in their approach - and keen to help and guide you towards extricating yourself from an extremely intolerable situation. Please, follow the links already provided, and keep us informed of your progress - WE REALLY DO CARE about your wellbeing!

[Maria B]

Hello Ann,

First of all I would like to welcome you to this friendly forum. When your concerned friend post your dilemma, I do believe it & was very concern at the same time.

I was just wondering if you still remember our CFO seminar in the Philippines? We have handbooks & leaflets whom to contact when we are in trouble with our partners/husbands. They even hand us a piece of paper to fill it out to send it back to CFO after a couple of months settling in the UK if we are treated alright. I even posted the websites & contact details to your friend for him to forward it to you. I was waiting for any progress after that. To reiterate our CFO seminar, the counselors showed us horrible stories like yours & shared example stories to us. Counselors interviewed us individually after viewing that if we still wanted to go through or simply back out with the man that we think he's an angel. But it takes time to know a person until you live in the same roof.

Your story isn't new to me. I've heard a lot of stories from Pinay wife who are victims like you & even more horrible & scary. Friendly advise, please get rid of him. I knew you did a lot of effort to stay away from him but while you are here, why not phone the Philippine Embassy in London & ask for counselling services? Maybe your effort is not enough. There are a lot of concerned members here who shared their suggestions & it's really all up to you.

Just in case if you reconsider my suggestion. Please contact the Phil Emb in London asap:

6-8 Suffolk Street
London SW1Y 4HG
020 7451 1780
9.00am - 1.00pm and 2.00pm - 5.00pm
Monday thru Friday, except Philippine and UK holidays

Watch your back!
Please take care! xx

[Mret77]

Hi Ann.

Have been reading your story and i dont know what to say as everybody here have been giving you all the advice you should do and they are right. You have such unfortunate life here i feel sorry for you. Im sure you re doing your best but please try harder and harder until you get help. Consider all the information above im sure will help you.

All the best and God bless.

[English Rose]

I've been in abusive relationships and the first thing I want to say is, this man won't change. If you're prepared to put up with it, he'll carry on doing it and might get worse over time. Also, abusive men can seem very plausible and charming to outsiders and he will do everything he can to get other people on his side and to isolate you.
This is a very bad situation for you and your children. My advice is to leave your husband straight away. If necessary, go to the Police who take domestic abuse seriously and if you need to go to a refuge, can help you with that as well.
If you haven't had sex with your husband, I believe you can apply for a divorce straight away. You can apply for maintenance too. If your husband threatens you, you can get an injunction to make him stay away from you.
To assist with this, keep a diary of all the bad things he does - day and time (and don't let him know you're doing it).
It would be better not to see the other man until you've sorted things out, because your husband could accuse you of having an affair and convince everyone (including the legal system) that he only started behaving badly because you were seeing another man. Don't give him any ammunition to shoot you with.

Whatever you do, don't rush into another relationship. The man seems nice now, but so did your husband once.

None of this gets you a visa to stay here, it's true, but you and your children are worth more than the misery that is your life at the moment.

[grahamw48]

Since there is already a thread running on this, why start another one ?

[raynaputi]

Since there is already a thread running on this, why start another one ?

I just merged the threads

[marlyn&kenny]

Hello ann,
take good care of yourself... and as the rest of the member here stys, if i were on your own shoes, i would just leave..thats man is dangerous man!!
seek help , ther are many links provided by trusted members here.