Confused Filipina

[pinay4uk]

Hi! I am LYNN from Cagayan de Oro Philippines! I came across this site out of desperately looking for someone to share my feelings and somehow help me make up my mind on what's the best thing to do. I am very confused now. I must say I have an ex British boyfriend that I met online last December 2010, we started chatting constantly almost everyday from then on. January 2011 he booked his ticket coming on June 2011. At first I didn't wanna believed even he already booked me a ticket going to Manila to meet him in the airport to the hotel where he also booked for us. He also booked us a hotel in Bohol where we will be spending our moments together for 4 days. And yes, it all happened according to his plan. So after Bohol we both came to my province where he met my 2 boys and family. He stayed in my house for few days before we all went to Camiguin with my whole family and spent another 4 days there where he also met some of my relatives from that Island. He then proposed me there as I understood it. He wanted us to start the "ball rolling" with regards to my annulment coz I was married before. I thought everything will be ok. After less than 3 weeks he went back to UK, just like any other long distance relationship sometimes we are ok but sometimes not but mostly we chat same as usual almost everyday. When he got back to UK he mentioned of wanting me to visit UK first before we make any move so for me to know if I like to stay there. But 1 day when I told him that a friend of mine just got the tourist visa and I also wanna try, he didn't show any interest. And never even started working on my annulment yet. But he has been helping me when my son was confined in the hospital, he paid the bills and he also helped me renovate my house which he spent around less than 50k php. But going back, when I told him that I wanna try he told me maybe not the right time coz it's winter there and I won't enjoy my holiday there being so cold, all I wanna do is just hide in the house which will cost him more money to pay for the heater. Then I start questioning his sincerity to me coz I am not even in his FB. He told me that FB is not a big thing to him and to British people either unlike to Filipinos who's really making it as part of their lives according to him. I added him and he didn't accept me. So finally he told me, he isn't ready to let the people to know about us which includes his family, his 2 boys, his friends. So I just tried to understand. One day he probably felt sick that time that he finally agreed for me to apply for a tourist visa so right away I grabbed the chance coz I honestly loved him so much already and wanna be with him and m not used of long distance relationship. I had my appointment in the embassy already, I had plane ticket going to Manila for my appointment, he gave me all the necessary documents already...all of a sudden a week before my appointment he told me he wanna cancel it and told me he isn't ready and not financially capable to do it so. I didn't know what to do that time then in few days he wants to break up with me as he always does but most of the time I begged for him to come back. But this time I got tired, so hurt. Then now he told me we can still be friends. We still even talk everyday as if nothing changed only that there's no commitment anymore. It is still hurting me now coz I love him so much and wanna have family with him. But he is telling me he cannot turn back from his responsibilities to his 2 boys 21 and 18 both no work staying with his ex wife and grandson 3 but visiting them constantly and somehow helping them financially. Now that his son 18 yrs old just recently moved with him the more he said he cannot afford to have his own family. But I am confused he still sending me some funds to help me when I needed so and still chat constantly. I am thinking of pursuing my application for tourist visa since I got all his documents and find my own way to get to him coz I really love him so much and I feel the same way only that he is financially struggling as he said but I think he is just exaggerating things to discourage me from going there. Now I am confused, should I pursue my application or should I just not expect from him anymore and move on with my life. But as of now, I really still love him so much. Pls I hope to hear from anyone who can help enlighten my confused mind. Thanks a lot in advance....God bless us all

[grahamw48]

Maybe you need to meet a younger man with less responsibilities and 'baggage'.

This guy is showing all the signs of not being ready to commit fully to a serious relationship with you, and all the sacrifices and compromises that that would entail.

Personally I also think it's most disrespectful of him to book you both into a hotel when you hardly know each other, rather than just visit you from HIS hotel, but that's just me. Maybe I'm old-fashioned'.

I could line up dozens of girls from the internet and meet them in this way.

There is a lot more than that to a meaningful relationship and thoughts of marriage.

I recommend you look for a relationship with fewer obstacles and complications, otherwise you may only find misery and disappointment.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

[Terpe]

Maybe you need to meet a younger man with less responsibilities and 'baggage'.

This guy is showing all the signs of not being ready to commit fully to a serious relationship with you, and all the sacrifices and compromises that that would entail.

Personally I also think it's most disrespectful of him to book you both into a hotel when you hardly know each other, rather than just visit you from HIS hotel, but that's just me. Maybe I'm old-fashioned'.

I could line up dozens of girls from the internet and meet them in this way.

There is a lot more than that to a meaningful relationship and thoughts of marriage.

I recommend you look for a relationship with fewer obstacles and complications, otherwise you may only find misery and disappointment.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Hi Lynn,
What a story you have.

Firstly, I would agree with most of what Graham has said.
Maybe that makes me old-fashioned too

The thing that really gives me concern and puzzlement is why he is unable or unwilling to share the relationship you have together with his either his family, friends, or, (judging from the facebook aspect) anyone who knows him.

In reality you are his secret.
I feel that lies and deceit seem to be his byword.

In my mind, something somewhere is preventing him from being honest with you, with himself, with his family, and with his friends.

That 'something', I believe is the reason why he is making insincere offers and requests, false promises, tricks, manipulations, betrayals, halftruths, and giving his word falsely.

I do not think it's a good idea at all to go ahead with your suggested unannounced visit.
I think that kind of surprise should be avoided under the circumstances.

I don't get a feeling that he currently desires or is capable of any meaningful relationship.

No offence meant Lynn.
I just feel you are being used and that makes me so sad.

Is he divorced.

[pinay4uk]

Thanks Graham and Terpe! but I am just wondering why is he still helping me, sending me funds and still communicating regularly? I just wanna accept his reason not putting me in his FB because he had past relationship from one he met online too from Thailand and he was opened about it to his friends and family before but it didn't work out so this time he wanna make sure first. But it is hurting me because all the people in my FB knows about him but he said he didn't ask me to be put there. Yes, he is divorced...one time he flushed me, I got so upset coz I didn't agree with his reasons that time so I went to his FB and added all his friends there put all our photos taken during his holiday here. I told him what I did, he got upset but he said he can't do anything anymore. But that time a close friend of him phoned him and told him about the FB thing and he didn't know that I can understand what they were talking...I was hurt coz he told him I am a stalker. But he said he was just embarrassed that time so he can't think of any reason to tell that's why he was able to say that. Then he asked me to take him out from my FB but I never did...I told him I did but instead I print the screen every time we talked in skype and post it in my FB with the date. I don't know if I am doing is right or not...all I know is I love him so much and I am hurting until now. We still constantly talk but he wanna make sure everytime that we are just friends and making a joke sometimes that maybe if he retires I am still available then maybe he will come back here in PI and will spend time with me in Bohol again. That really confused me so much if he really still or ever loved me?

[asiantropics]

Hi Lynn, i'm sorry about your situation but i got one thing to say "you deserve better" you are too good for him. I understand that you love him but show him that he just can't treat you like that. You being called a stalker from someone you love is not right in any form don't buy his excuses. If you want to stay friends with him it's your choice but all you get is hurt and disappointments.
He is taking advantage of your kindness and you being so understanding. There's lots of "red flags" in your relationship.
Be strong Lynn and listen carefully what your own intuition is telling you.

Good Luck!

[grahamw48]

Oh dear, this really does seem a bad situation for you....and CRUEL, if I may say so.

Let's be frank, if a man truly loves a woman and wants to be with her, to marry her, then he wants the whole world to know.

I'd prefer to remain neutral on this, but my first instinct is to advise you to not let this person waste any more of your life and tears.

You are worth far more than that.

[pinay4uk]

I think it's my fault coz he is being honest with me now that all he wants from me is FRIENDSHIP nothing more nothing less! I told him I'll be ok with us being friends now but I will still be faithfully waiting for him. I'll show him I won't be looking for another man. I asked him what was wrong with me why he can't love me as he told me before, he said there's nothing wrong with me but it's just the feeling is gone. It feels so unfair! he made me believed before that he loved me and wanna be with me for the rest of his life, he gave me false hope and showed me, my boys and my family the impression that he is a sincere man. We all trusted him coz of what he has shown to us, I was so honest, transparent to him from the beginning of our relationship, I gave my full trust and commitment coz he told me before that he was committed to me also. All of a sudden he just dumped me without me knowing have I done wrong, I couldn't think of anything or if I have done something that he didn't like I am very much willing to change for him I told him that but he still determined on us staying just friends and don't even wanna give a try to make our relationship work. I honestly am hurting but couldn't stop myself from loving him and I hate myself for that

[grahamw48]

Why should YOU change for him ?

You have done nothing wrong at all, so don't hate yourself.

I feel so much sympathy for you, but sadly this kind of thing can happen now that the internet has made it so easy for someone to strike up a relationship and then get on a plane, without having time (or even the intention) to get to know the other person properly.

Do keep posting Lynn, as there will always be good people here who will share their thoughts with you.

[sweetnote143]

Lyn, I've read your post yesterday but it was hard to comment on your situation coz I dont know if what I'll say here will help you or just might offend you. I understand what you're going through, but I hope you wont be offended with I will say here. Terpe, Graham and Asiantropics are right.

He doesnt love you that much if he treats you that way. A man in love make things impossible to be possible. He find ways just to be with you, will be proud to be your boyfriend, and will make no excuses about a lot of things. I agree with Graham, he's cruel enough to tell his friend that you're a stalker. But what you are doing too is not right, it's like forcing yourself to him. If it's true that he's not ready yet to commit, give him the space and the time he needs. Maybe he's just also confused and just need time to sort his life out. The two of you should have a long talk about your relationship and about your own lives, what are your expectations from each other. Whatever you'll agree or his or your decision might be, respect that.

Even if you love him, love yourself more. Live your own life and enjoy. Maybe you just gave too much focus on him, dont. It's not wrong to love with all your soul but always leave something for yourself. Who will love you when you cant even love your self? Let him go, find someone who is ready to commit and who will love you for who you are. There are lots of men out there who are better than him. If you want to wait for him, make sure you know the consequences. If he wants you to be his friend, then be a friend. Dont force your love to him, that will only make him run away from you. If you have all the time in the world to wait for him, then wait. But with your eyes open, that there's a possibility that he wont come back to you. Dont cling to him, live your life without him. If it's too much for you to wait for him, find someone else who deserves you.

Maybe you know already what you should do, what's the right thing to do, but afraid to make that decision because you're scared or not ready yet to let him go. It's always hard but harder to stay longer in a relationship when you know it's going nowhere and you're the only one who'll get hurt. Imagine your life with him in the future, will he treat you better? I'm sorry if I've been frank here.

Love yourself, respect the person you are, and dont settle for less. Loving someone is the best thing in life, the sweetest and the happiest part of life.

[pinay4uk]

I honestly appreciate your frankness sweetnote, thank u so much and to all who shared their thoughts about it. If I am not the 1 involved here I'll also say the same thing and I am actually aware of all what u told me coz a lot of my friends like to ask advices from me because they believe in my words and yet when it comes to making decision for myself that's where I usually fail. I myself wanna stop loving him, wanna forget him and move on but it just seemed so hard. I felt so low and lost my pride every time I beg for him to give our relationship a chance. Few minutes ago I talked to him and what hurts me a lot more when he told me he thought he loved me but he realized he don't that's why he just stayed as a friend to help me not feel that bad. He said there's nothing wrong with me, it's just the feeling fade away. It felt so unfair, so easy for him to say that.One thing also hurts me coz my family trusted him so much and proud of him. Now I don't know how to tell my dad about it and how would I explained to my 2 boys. I have 2 boys from my previous relationship 9 and 7 years old and because he showed us good impression, my boys expected from him too much that they become proud of him @ school and to their friends telling them they already have a family and 1 day will be all together in UK. I noticed that my boys are more inspired after they met him and getting good grades and u if u can see their notebooks full of drawings of a family and labelled it and he is the dad. So now, double the hurt. I wanted to move on but it just hurt too much too bear for now and don't know where to start....

[pinay4uk]

Hi sweetnote!I honestly appreciate your frankness,it will somehow hurt me but it won't offend me because it's the reality. I just can't accept the fact that he made me believe of something that wasn't true from the very beginning! From the beginning I was so transparent to him and asked him a lot of times to be honest to me no matter how it hurts but he carried it on, made me feel that he loved me.I never asked anything from him but he was the one who mentioned all those future plans together so in return I gave all my focus to him,I gave all my love,my soul,my life to him.When he told me he cannot help me anymore coz he has boys to take care of, I said it's just ok I will take care of myself and my boys,it won't change my commitment to him. But I don't understand how so easy for him to dump me.If I did something wrong then I'll understand but I didn't. I am so careful in every move I make even we are far from each other coz I want him to be proud of me.One thing hurts me most is he gave my 2 boys false hope as well.That we can be 1 happy family.He gave so much happiness and inspiration to my boys. My boys was so proud to tell their teachers and classmate that they have a daddy already and if u can see all their notebooks are full of drawings of a happy family and labelled it him as the daddy. My boys 9 and 7 yrs old have been so inspired and getting good grades, I believed because they feel so much difference this time. They see me happy chatting with him talking about future together. He even told me we could be a good couple coz we get a long, we talked a lot like bestfriends then all of a sudden he dumped me. I just can't understand why?and he told me it's just simple the feeling faded away...simply faded away?so unfair.I know I should love myself more and let go of him,wish it would be easy sweetnote but this time I felt my life is so miserable. I don't know how to tell my family, my dad who trusted him and expected so much from him that he will take care of us. Thanks a lot to all of u for all the advices, I hope I'll get over him soon. The pain is killing me slowly, I can't believe and accept that he broke the dream he made us believe to happen.

[grahamw48]

That is so sad.

I wish I could give you and your kids a hug right now.

How can someone be so cruel ?

[Steve.r]

What a loser he must be... he just used you

I feel sorry for your children and can understand how you feel being let dumped by the one you love.

Sometimes it is easier to move on with no explaination as to 'why' Sometimes 'half reasons' are worse than knowing small bits that he confesses to you.
He either just used you as someone to visit and have a nice holiday or just to make 'him' feel better about himself.
It is hard for you to think straight right now... but, you must listen to your head not your heart. There is no future with him, that is clear. You have done nothing wrong, stop beating yourself up and dont be his dog, as this is my impression of what he thinks about you.

Be strong, you are worth more

[sweetnote143]

my heart is breaking from what you are going through, Lyn. How can he be so cruel? I cant imagine if your kids will know about this, it will break their hearts and their hopes. He deserves a thousand slaps on the face.

be strong, Lyn. if you need someone to talk to, we're here for you.

[sars_notd_virus]

Hello Lynn, welcome to the forum

Heraclitus says' 'the only constant in life is change' '...and love is not an exemption to this,... you should be thankful enough that the guy has ever been so honest to you ,I cant say he is bad as when he came to the Philippines he met you and your family ,even gave you money to renovate your house? sends you money when your child was confined?,.. I think along the way the circumstances change,maybe he think its not worthwhile to have another relationship as he has obligation with his children and you have to accept and respect his decision...dont waste your life on waiting for him and expect more from him ,he already gave you a definite conclusion to your relationship.

p.s. sorry but i dont believe that FB or any other social network should be one of the grounds to tell if a guy is being honest/sincere to you or not.. you must have just expected a lot from the start..settle your annulment before moving on with another relationship.
Good luck in the future!!
Remember, Men are like buses they come every 15minutes and
Men are like....Beer.
The first sip is always bitter.
No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.

[South-east boy]

Sorry to hear your sad story. I know how much it really hurts when they say they don't feel the same as you do for them. It seems to me that he got carried away too quickly without thinking about the long run and should have got to know you better before promising too much such as he did. Maybe like you say he was worried about what friends and family would say about another long distance relationship what with family comittments etc. I think he should have been more open from the beginning about his problems & comittments and like you say it seems strange that if he's saying he's short of money yet, still sending you some. It makes it hard to work out if he's telling the truth about everything and if he's still hiding something.

I don't think what you did on Facebook helped by adding his friends and the pics etc. I wouldn't have been happy with that, and have you have to respect each others wishes. But then I wouldn't have treated you how he did. He could have done it slowly and just added you as a friend, then you could have seen what each other was up to. Viva and I are taking it slowly on Facebook, she didn't want to change her non-mentioned relationship status on Facebook as she has a big family who already give her pressure & ask questions about getting married etc! But some of her close family and friends know about us and will have seen the pics of us together on Facebook already which she hasn't hid.

Like you and others say, it seems like you are his secret and he doesn't want anyone to know. You shouldn't propose to someone and plan all what he did if you still want them to be your secret and no-one to know about them. As everyone has said, if you make all those plans, you should want everyone to know!

The trouble is, although you might want to keep chatting with him as friends, if he really does not feel the same about you and wants only to be friend's you'll make it harder on yourself as you'll want more which will keep hurting you. I think it's best to keep busy with family and friends or new interest & when you feel able to start to look for someone else. Maybe then he might realise that he does feel more for you, but if that does happen he needs to be 100% honest and realistic with you about his situation.

[worthingmale]

wow sory to hear your sad story

some good advice here for you

wishing you all the best

[pinay4uk]

Thanks a lot to all who shared their thoughts about my sad story. As of the moment I have not made up my mind yet but I am hoping soon coz I can't continue living a life with full of hurts in my heart, the pain really killing me, I could hardly breath. My other problem is how will I tell my boys about it, my ex gave them the false hope that's one thing really hurt me so much. He was the one who shared his plan for us...he said he will bring us all to UK and start a new complete family there. My boys started to dream about playing with a snow, he even told my boys to start learning not to eat rice coz no much rice in UK and wants me to talk to my boys in english all the time to prepare them for UK. If he hurt me I maybe can easily bear and accept it but hurting the 2 important angel in my life that's worst. He played with our feelings...I hope u understand how I feel now but I still pray that I'll get over him soon, I am praying so hard I am tired of crying all day. He showed us a picture of our dream family only to break it up later...

[stevewool]

sorry to be so blunt , but time to move and try to forget this person. what to say to your boys, just that mummy loves them loads, good luck in what ever you choose

[pinay4uk]

thanks stevewool anyways, eventually they will know...i'll just have to wait and see

[stevewool]

before this person came into your life , you and the boys managed , you will all get by with out him, we all feel for you, people that promise this and that should only do so if they are willing to carry it through, but some people what ever there reasons cannot, again good luck to you all

[imagine]

your story is very sad to read, i dont understand why he led you on so far, i hope he feels the guilt for a long time,
the worst is what hes done to your children and leaving you to face them with his broken promises,
be strong , brace yourself and let go,
more important than him for you is yourself,, your children and your family, they will always be there for you,
you got lots of good advise here from all these wonderful warm friends who are always here for you,
take care, you will get through this ok

[baby38]

Sorry to hear about your sad story, I been to the Phills 7 times meet many men, trying to make a big impression, spending heaps of money making big impression in front of the girl and family, funny thing they don't have money they borrow it ,when they get back to their own country, they realise they owe all this money, and the costs of getting visa airfares medical, going to embassy etc. going to cost lots of money they don't have, the relationship goes sour,just take your time and look around there many descent men around looking for a nice lady,also many men go to the Phills for one reason to have a good time because they cant get a good woman in their own country.

[febmary]

Lyn,

Time will heal all wounds. Its not that easy for now, but in the long run, you will get there. There is always a reason for everything. Be strong for your kids. You will the most important person to look after them. Keep busy and give more attention and care to your boys. True love can wait and you will find it.

[Arthur Little]

Lynn ... as one who's borne the brunt of fickle human nature myself in the past, my heart goes out to you. Here in the UK, we have a saying "there's nowt so queer as folk". Believe ME there's a lot of truth in it! And sadly, the truth all too often hurts. Equally, I wish it were possible to wave a magic wand and heal your emotional pain and turmoil. Instead - like the others who've already responded to your thread - I can only empathise with how you're feeling right now.

... it's not what you want to read ... but the very fact he's already had a past relationship with someone from Thailand, suggests to me your "boyfriend" could well be an "adventurer" - an internet predator - preying on young South East Asian women ... promising them "the earth" ... yet lacking the "guts" to "own up" about his real motives ... until he has scurried back to his own country after indulging in self-gratification. Worse ... he's done all this, whilst simultaneously ingratiating himself with your family - especially your two boys - by instilling them with false confidence.

But, rest assured, things usually have a habit of turning full circle - "Karma", I think it's called in your corner of the world - and YOUR time will come. Forget this man. You deserve better!

It's good to have you "on board". to the friendly, online filipino/uk community.

[stevewool]

also many men go to the Phills for one reason to have a good time because they cant get a good woman in their own country.[/QUOTE]

maybe , maybe not but i think i can say all who are on here have never done this, there is lots of love from what you read from many members on here

[Dedworth]

I can't help but notice that "Facebook" plays a part in this sad story. Best avoided I think.

[Jimbojac]

Hmmmmm there are always 2 sides to every story this guy has helped out the lady a fair bit in terms of financial support and my gut instinct is saying i dont think he is " all bad" just a bit of a coward and now in retrospect is taking a long sober cold look in the light of day and backing out, maybe?
Its very sad that kids do get attached a "kano" in the Phils seems like Father Christmas to a lot of these kids whose Moms are often living on a hundred or so quid a month.
The point i want to make here is BEWARE FACEBOOK! Its a NIGHTMARE. I have an ex* that my current GF knows all about and if ever the ex comments on anything etc then the full " tampo" starts up. I accept she has a past as well as i have - but FB is the cause of so much grief in many relationships, BEWARE!
* I don't believe in deleting the ex, cos still a friend just as i would not want my GF's past suddenly gone. Relationships are only good if based on trust.

[Jimbojac]

,also many men go to the Phills for one reason to have a good time because they cant get a good woman in their own country.[/QUOTE]

Haha in the past have had many UK Girlfriends and GUESS WHAT??!! I have great taste as many other members do too. Filipino girls are better simple FACT!

[grahamw48]

I prefer Filipinas...end of story.

All the Filipinas on my facebook are relatives...of the ex.

Sometimes I wish they weren't such a good-looking family.