Makes you Proud to be British Quiz 2011 - Richard Littlejohn
A CLASSIC MUST READ
1. Armed police in West Yorkshire raided a residential garage in Bradford on the basis of evidence from a helicopter-mounted heat-seeking camera. They discovered:
a) A cannabis factory.
b) A dozen illegal immigrants.
c) Two guinea pigs, called Simon and Kenny.
2. Labour MPs called for the resignation of Tory MP Sir George Young after he joked that the most popular girl’s name of 2011 was:
a) Salmonella.
b) Chlamydia.
c) Austerity.
3. The NHS invested millions of pounds of ring-fenced taxpayers’ money in:
a) State-of-the-art MRI scanners.
b) The latest cancer drugs from America.
c) Super-strength hoists, heavy duty toilets and reinforced ambulances and hospital beds to handle the increasing number of patients weighing up to 40st.
4. Publican Mike Sacqui, landlord of the Penny Farthing, in Lyndhurst, Hants, received a visit from the police after he put up a sign reading:
a) No coach parties.
b) No dogs, No blacks, No Irish.
c) Poofters welcome here!
5. Diversity officials spent £5,000 during Romany and Traveller History Month on:
a) Advising travellers on how to obey the planning laws.
b) Explaining that using red diesel in non-agricultural vehicles is illegal.
c) Hip-hop dancing lessons.
6. The former Mayor of Dudley was accused of ‘homophobia’ because he used the word ‘faggots’ in an email. He was referring to:
a) Stonewall.
b) The Terrence Higgins Trust.
c) Meatballs in gravy.
7. As part of the new curriculum introduced under Labour’s ‘education, education, education’ policy, it was revealed that thousands of pupils have been given lessons in:
a) Reading and writing.
b) Arithmetic.
c) How to claim unemployment benefit.
8. In Wisbech, Cambs, police refused to patrol a local park after 8pm because they were afraid of:
a) Drive-by shootings.
b) The Werewolves Of Wisbech.
c) The dark.
9. The Rev Martin Wray, from South Shields, Tyne and Wear, surprised his parishioners when he:
a) Said he believed in God.
b) Said he believed marriage should be between a man and a woman.
c) Turned up at a Vicars And Tarts party dressed as a prostitute, in a little black dress, shiny gold tights, pink high heels, a pink necklace and long black wig.
10. New safety advice issued to police officers told them to wear:
a) Hi-viz jackets.
b) Stab-proof vests.
c) Body-hugging cycle underwear with a padded crotch.
11. Ex-Harrods boss and Fulham FC owner Mohamed Fayed erected a bronze statue outside Craven Cottage football ground, honouring:
a) Former Fulham and England captain Johnny Haynes.
b) Former Fulham and England captain Alan Mullery.
c) Former pop star and kiddie fiddler Wacko Jacko.
12. Teachers in Darwen, Lancashire, walked out on strike in protest at classroom violence. One school governor, a Lib Dem councillor, blamed pupils’ destructive behaviour on:
a) Broken homes, poverty and deprivation
b) Government spending cuts
c) The wet and windy weather in Lancashire, which puts children ‘on edge’
13. Suffolk Fire Brigade dispatched 22 firemen, including a ‘special heights team’ and back-up crew, in five vehicles — one from 60 miles away — to rescue:
a) A family from a burning tower block in Ipswich.
b) A critically-injured lorry driver trapped in his cab after a multiple pile-up on the A14.
c) A cat on a roof, which had already been brought down by a part-time fireman with a ladder by the time they got there.
14. The NHS in Bolton, Lancs, spent £75,000 on a substance-abuse scheme, which included:
a) A new drying-out clinic.
b) A team of trained early-intervention specialists.
c) Buying mobile phones for alcoholics.
15. A caretaker from Derby married a pre-op Malaysian transsexual and spent £1,200 obtaining a visa for his new bride to be allowed to stay in Britain. She/he repaid him by:
a) Promising to love, honour and obey until death doth them part.
b) Having a nice dinner ready for him every night when he got home from work.
c) Refusing to have the operation and running off to Blackpool to become a showgirl.
16. Beach bar singer Simon Ledger, from the Isle of Wight, was arrested and accused of racially aggravated harassment because he was:
a) Distributing BNP pamphlets.
b) Wearing Black And White Minstrels make-up.
c) Singing the 1974 Number One hit Kung Fu Fighting.
17. Serial burglar Nathan Cassidy was spared a jail sentence by a judge at Cambridge Crown Court, despite the fact that he had 14 previous convictions and was already serving a suspended sentence, because:
a) He was truly, deeply sorry.
b) He promised to make restitution and go straight in future.
c) He claims to be allergic to prison.
18. As part of its commitment to ‘safeguarding children’, Ash Manor Secondary School in Surrey:
a) Hired security guards to ward off drugs dealers and paedophiles hanging round the school gates.
b) Installed metal detectors to stop weapons being brought on school property.
c) Installed CCTV cameras to spy on children in the toilets.
19. Councillor Lance Kennedy was on the receiving end of hate mail and death threats after he was exposed as:
a) The Birdman of Barlinnie.
b) The Beast of Bodmin.
c) The Tortoise Tyrant of St Austell.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/ar...#ixzz1hluJ5ih5
Originally Posted by sim&lil
There ARE some aspects of society that make me proud 
to be British ... NOT so sure about the WIDER implications of being European. 
... it's the prospect 
of becoming a denizen of an 'Independent Republic of Scotland' ! 
Oh, Christ 
NO !
) & COUNTRY 
... that's MY motto,
.
with the concluding words of your statement. 
... tbh, NOBODY'S job's worth 800,000 bucks a year IMO !
