Pinay girlfriend desperate to get married.....

[HACHE]

Guys,
Some of you may have read my last thread, but for those who haven't, my gf of seven months is still married in the philippines, is a student here, and basically would love to stay.
Now originally her student visa runs until august next year, and has made no secret she'd like to stay ( with me) long term.
Now her college is shutting, and while there is talk of trying to switch colleges, apparently a director of the college advised her to go and get married!! Now, it may have been an informal conversation just a casual conversation...even so, I think he's pretty irresponsible to lead her to think its that simple (especially with her married status)
Anway that's now what she wants, we've had a pretty difficult month or so...so many misundertsandings, its been pretty unpleasant...and for me, well while my deep feelings for her are as strong as ever, it just reminds me that the stage of our relationship is still in the "immature" stage and talk of marriage is totally premature in my mind.
I don't want to imply anything but while I do believe her genuine feelings for me, she is stressing how much she needs to stay here in the UK and support her family back home....its a factor pushing her to go for the marriage...and I am thinking "woooow hang on a minute, I dont wana be rushed or pushed into it, especially in this stage"...and I only want to do it for the right reasons for me too...
I've explained that, she understands...but it's just not nice to be put in this position, although I know in her mind what choice has she got...
So what are anyones thoughts on this coercion here, marriage ( to someone she really loves) butbeing pushed along for other reasons...?? remembering it isn't easy anyway given her status as married anyway...
Its a shame, I really keen on her, I just explained that only a few months ago that I thought I had another 18 months to nuture and establish we're good for each other then all of a sudden other factors have come into play and forced the issue prematurely....
Wandering what others would be thinking in my position...
Thanks for any replies guys...

[sars_notd_virus]

I'm afraid she should go back to the Philippines and file an annulment....she cannot divorce her husband in the PH and marry in the uk unless she's a resident.
true love can wait if you are meant to be together, it will happen

[grahamw48]

You want an honest answer ?

Unless you're totally besotted with each other and BOTH 100% committed....spare yourself a world of pain and frustration mate.

There are almost millions of SINGLE Filipinas out there waiting to meet you and hoping to marry you.

[HACHE]

Thanks for the reply,
Yeah I started another thread, regarding the "getting divorced here in UK from her husband in Pi"

http://filipinaroses.com/showthread....-still-Married

If we don't fight and argue and get through the near future, I'll be getting some professional advice from solicitors or advisors specialising in this area of immigration law

[HACHE]

You want an honest answer ?

Unless you're totally besotted with each other and BOTH 100% committed....spare yourself a world of pain and frustration mate.

There are almost millions of SINGLE Filipinas out there waiting to meet you and hoping to marry you.

Thanks for the advice mate.
I know alot of people say "love conquers all"...but at the end of the day I am a realist, and a pragmatist...
It's gota feel right for me, and, well if I was jumping for joy, I wouldn't be here...
But when emotions are running high and it's complicated, it's nice to get others perspective too

[Terpe]

If her college is really shutting then the priority must be to find another college and legally change her visa conditions or she will be forced to leave UK.
Without a valid visa she will become illegal.
Without a valid visa she cannot legally work
Without a valid visa she cannot file for divorce
Without a valid divorce she cannot legally get married

No offence intended, just trying to focus you (and your gf) on the short term priority.

On the issues you raise about marriage be careful about motives. Try to look beyond the passions of the moment. To me there is already a red-flag.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone you can grow with, and you have enough faith to be convinced that you will not regret the road not taken and the partner not chosen then you may be ready for marriage.
If not, then wait.

Study the way she cares for others and the way she deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more then your love will have a good chance to grow.
If it doesn't, tread carefully.

If you can't respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually you will not respect each other.

A well made marriage is worth the patience in waiting for it.

[Moy]

A well made marriage is worth the patience.

very well said Terpe

[grahamw48]

Good post.

[HACHE]

Fantastic post Terpe, thanks very much.

Agree with what you say. I guess there are things we think and feel, but sometimes its good to here it from others too.

Its very true, I want her to focus on sorting the short term, then we have medium term( and time) to see if we can go further. Trying to jump over this, or bypass this stage is wrong, not wise at all.. To dismiss my reluctance to commit is a sign that we are a) poles apart, b) she doesnt respect the way I approach things....

And this I cant dismiss the red flag, of the motivation for pushing for it, of course

Thanks

[joebloggs]

there are victims on this forum, thankfully only a small number, that were used so their partner could get to, or stay in the uk. so always becareful and make sure your not a member of that small group.

[zaxy]

Best to wait and see if she really loves.
If she loves you she will wait till you are ready to marry if not and she will find someone else to marry then i guess u will know she not trully love you but hey she already married in philippines so would cost alot money for annulment and takes time.

[London_Manila]

there are victims on this forum, thankfully only a small number, that were used so their partner could get to, or stay in the uk. so always becareful and make sure your not a member of that small group.

All the women i know in the philippines want to leave the philippines asap

if they can get to another country in the west then they have made it

all the pinoys i know here in London complain that life here is so hard and everything is so expensive

work that one out

[lastlid]

All the women i know in the philippines want to leave the philippines asap

I am not certain that this applies to all Filipinas......

[malditako]

I am not certain that this applies to all Filipinas......

agree....if we can just go back to phils tomorrow i would

[raynaputi]

All the women i know in the philippines want to leave the philippines asap

Stop generalizing..I know lots of women and men who didn't even think of leaving the Philippines..that includes my sister and my father who has been refusing to leave since I was little..

[raynaputi]

agree....if we can just go back to phils tomorrow i would

Same with me Grace!

[Steve.r]

All the women i know in the philippines want to leave the philippines asap

You use a big brush there buddy

[stevie c]

All the women i know in the philippines want to leave the philippines asap

if they can get to another country in the west then they have made it

all the pinoys i know here in London complain that life here is so hard and everything is so expensive

work that one out

It seems you don't know many Filipina women

[HACHE]

Thanks for all replies guys, it's always good to get a discussion going
I understand and sympathise with her predicament, but I feel pressure falling on my shoulders is unfair. As I have said before, we've had alot of disagreements, misunderstandings that's been unpleasant lately, and this serves to remind me that, while we have very deep feelings, we still need to know each other more, that entering any logn term commitment ignoring this is crazy....in my mind if we have alot of good times, then cold bad times, rows and misunderstandings, then resentment will creep in and, those feelings of love will be eroded slowly and painfully....
Ah well....

[grahamw48]

Good that you know that your situation needs a lot of careful consideration anyway.

[HACHE]

Of course, yes I have my eyes open.
The odd things about all of this, it leads her to get a bit waspy...." if you're not willing to help me then I can't do much"...I decide to ignore a text as nothing I will say will be want she wants....and what she doens't get, is bringing more pressure and having a go wont bring me round by pressure, it just underlines even more in my mind that it maybe not for me...you squeeze a bar of soap too hard, rather than keeping it more, it jumps out more....

[Steve.r]

Good to think you are not rushing into this HACHE, pressure is not good. It does sound like you have already made your mind up to me. She must understand that whatever she does, it has to be right, not convienient.

[HACHE]

Good to think you are not rushing into this HACHE, pressure is not good. It does sound like you have already made your mind up to me. She must understand that whatever she does, it has to be right, not convienient.

Well, rightly or wrongly in my life I've always been over cautious, guess thats why I am still single.
She's turning the heat up as I write, with texts....

[Steve.r]

Dont worry about being single I only married my wife last year and I am 45. Plenty of time to find the 'right' one

[hawk]

as the saying goes a wife,s for life not just for christmas it takes time to build a relationship and it takes one wrong one to distroy it if i had used my head in stead of my heart love tends to make us make missjugements but thats another path you make in time if your girl is the one rushing into married life will not make a good choice good luck on your choice

[South-east boy]

Of course, yes I have my eyes open.
The odd things about all of this, it leads her to get a bit waspy...." if you're not willing to help me then I can't do much"...I decide to ignore a text as nothing I will say will be want she wants....and what she doens't get, is bringing more pressure and having a go wont bring me round by pressure, it just underlines even more in my mind that it maybe not for me...you squeeze a bar of soap too hard, rather than keeping it more, it jumps out more....

She hasn't seemed to have thought things through clearly. Have you explained that it's not possible to do what she wants, because of the reasons Terpe mentioned above even if you did decide you would marry her? I like you wouldn't like to be pressured to marry and would only want to by my own choice, like you say it doesn't feel right when you are not ready.

I don't agree with what London_Manila says. Sure it is true for some, but I know a lot that would love to live back there and my girlfriend is quite happy to stay there for the rest of her life if it came to it and would only come here to be with me. Again, not every Filipina has to or wants to leave just so they can provide for the family, yes a lot do, but not ALL. A lot of them that do leave would prefer to stay, but sometimes have to leave so they can earn more abroad to provide for their family. It's not easy living apart from your close family.

[South-east boy]

Of course, yes I have my eyes open.
The odd things about all of this, it leads her to get a bit waspy...." if you're not willing to help me then I can't do much"...I decide to ignore a text as nothing I will say will be want she wants....and what she doens't get, is bringing more pressure and having a go wont bring me round by pressure, it just underlines even more in my mind that it maybe not for me...you squeeze a bar of soap too hard, rather than keeping it more, it jumps out more....

She hasn't seemed to have thought things through clearly. Have you explained that it's not possible to do what she wants, because of the reasons Terpe mentioned above even if you did decide you would marry her? I like you wouldn't like to be pressured to marry and would only want to by my own choice, like you say it doesn't feel right when you are not ready.

I don't agree with what London_Manila says. Sure it is true for some, but I know a lot that would love to live back there and my girlfriend is quite happy to stay there for the rest of her life if it came to it and would only come here to be with me. Again, not every Filipina has to or wants to leave just so they can provide for the family, yes a lot do, but not ALL. A lot of them that do leave would prefer to stay, but sometimes have to leave so they can earn more abroad to provide for their family. It's not easy living apart from your close family.

[HACHE]

Well, its funny you say that, about her not thinking things through, because of her situation of being married is a big spanner in the works anyway.... I've got another thread on the very subject...
I do think with my head rather than my heart ( though the heart does play a part in making things muddy and hard emotionally), always have done....firstly, the viability( being able to anyway), the time it takes to dispell any doubts we have, and build the relationship., then we plan the the long term if we come through those...
But I just don't feel right when someones trying to push this aside because of their own agenda....

[sars_notd_virus]

All the women i know in the philippines want to leave the philippines asap

Thats like me saying '' All the men i know in uk want to move to the Philippines asap''
Oh hold on, its nothin like that at all because my statement is actually true

[sars_notd_virus]

Of course, yes I have my eyes open.
The odd things about all of this, it leads her to get a bit waspy...." if you're not willing to help me then I can't do much"...I decide to ignore a text as nothing I will say will be want she wants....and what she doens't get, is bringing more pressure and having a go wont bring me round by pressure, it just underlines even more in my mind that it maybe not for me...you squeeze a bar of soap too hard, rather than keeping it more, it jumps out more....

Arguments is not a good start in a relationship ..most probably a sign of things to come
obviously , i dunno the woman but am afraid it sounds like 'bail out time for me...but then I am not always right like my husband