This is difficult, I think I need to see a doc, maybe I should leave my g/f..worries

[Iani]

Hello

I think I just need somewhere to sound off perhaps. I'm not looking for, or expect sympathy - I am not that sort of guy and don't like fuss.

Thing is, we all have a breaking point, and I'm pretty near mine.

Here's the "problem" -

I was in a pretty loveless marriage for 15 years, finally we decided something had to give about 2 years ago. We have amazingly remained friends and get on better now than when we lived together.

One reason I didn't do something earlier, was because we have a daughter together now aged 14, but she's pragmatic, has friends with the same situation, and really seems unfazed by the whole thing. They aren't stupid and she could probably see for years something wasn't right. Anyway we all get on.

Fast forward a few months, and through a friend of a friend, I was introduced to a lady on facebook - pinoy working in the middle east (you can probably see where this is heading )
The idea was - why don't you talk to K, she has also had a rubbish ex relationship.
Well we found we really got on, and......well as I said, you can guess the rest.

I've been to stay with her over there 3 times now, and we've got engaged.

So it comes down to this - I am basically really worrying badly about this government change to income thing.

There is little chance I can see that at the moment, I could change my work to earn over the £26,000 or whatever - not in this town!

And yes, it's a proposal, it might not be implemented to this, it might be kicked into the long grass for months, it might have to go through parliament - in which case it would be next year at least before it could happen - but we just don't know.

She has this dream of getting married in Phils in October, where her family is, all her brothers could fly back there for this, and her father is a bit unwell - she hasn't said this directly, but I am not stupid, you know how women are - she wants her dad to see her get married, not in some country none of her relatives have a hope of getting a visitor visa for!

So I have been looking into all the possibilities, even applying for a fiance visa - maybe beating any ruling - then deciding to marry either in uk or over there (hence another thread I posted). This isn't really an ideal though - and my final divorce decree won't be ready until I think July.

So that's the background, now the whole point to the thread.

I never thought I would meet someone I felt so strongly about.
What I can't do is cause her hurt by never being able to be together.

I have seen that the visa refusals have note to the section 8 thing, but citing that there's nothing to stop you from going to Phils to live. Well yes there is you idiots, we can't work over there - and besides, I have a daughter to think of.

Result is, all this worry, I can't sleep and feel physically sick now nearly all the time.
A month ago, I had a real down period, I didn't tell anyone, didn't post on here or on my facebook, because, well. Maybe fortunately I had a different friend who came round and told me if anything ever happened, then my daughter would be devastated.

I am now seriously thinking of just cutting the pain as soon as possible, and just finishing with my fiance.

This despite both friends and a local libdem councillor who I'm friendly with, telling me not to change my whole life and destroy her life just because of the blasted tories.

Sorry to be going on, I've never felt this down and sick. No answer really is there huh.

Now I sound a right plank huh

[lastlid]

Quick answer. At least wait till June 6th and when we know exactly what changes are to be implemented.

[mickcant]

Hi I am divorced but have not even tried to find anouther Filipina relationship becouse my income is too low since retiring even before any new changes come into force.

If you know she is right for you, why not just go for it as soon as you have your divorce?

Being on your own, is a very poor 2nd
Mick.

[stevewool]

follow your heart , you have to think only of yourself,

[Iani]

Thanks, that's the problem though, if this ruling comes in, then its no good thinking of heart, myself or any of that because it would be not possible.
just getting very down with worry.

Oh well, thanks :-)

[malditako]

you worry too much on the things which is not happening yet. Live your life one day at a time and never say you cant do this or that. Money can earn if we work hard for it. Instead of worrying too much and make yourself weak..work for it and be prepared if income requirement change. Be patient to wait if taking her to Uk is not possible soon. If love is real it can wait.

[grahamw48]

Don't put so much pressure on yourself about something that hasn't yet happened !

Something I learned a looong time ago.

Perhaps your Fiancee could be more flexible about marriage arrangements too.
It's all very well her realising her dreams, but there are two people in the relationship...and I can guess who will be expected to cough up the most money.

Have you let her know about your true financial circumstances ?

As for your 14 year-old daughter, well there I can fully empathise with you.
Blood is thicker than water and no relationship can ever compare with the one you have with your child.
My boy has come first in my priorities since the day he was born.

I suggest you get a grip on your emotions, give it a little more time to see how the visa regs etc pan out, and above all, don't be in a rush.

What IS the rush ?

[Iani]

Well, there isn't or wasn't a rush, but its these proposals. She is flexible as well and were both saving. Anyway, I'll try chill a bit hehe. Thanks again

[Arthur Little]

Life can be sooooo cruel in the "blows" it deals us Iain. You've experienced so much heartache recently - not helped by the Embassy's refusal of a visit visa for your fiancee - and I genuinely wish it were possible to wave the proverbial "magic wand" on your behalf.

This forum is a blessing in very many ways ... because it enables its members to "let off steam" whenever things seem to be getting on top of them.

Yes, undoubtedly ... blood's thicker than water, and your daughter's emotional wellbeing is your first priority. But it needn't be at the expense of your long-term happiness! Why don't you have a heart-to-heart chat with her? There's a great deal of truth in the time-honoured saying, "a problem shared, is a problem halved"! And you might even be pleasantly surprised at the degree of sensitivity she shows towards her dad's inner turmoil - young as she is.

Is there really any point in fretting over the Government's latest proposals? Worrying about matters outwith our control isn't going to change things ... and can only exacerbate feelings of anxiety and stress. Besides, it seems you have a staunch ally in the shape of your Lib Dem Councillor - in the worst case scenario.

Know, too, that here, you are among friends whom you can rely upon for support.

God Bless.

[Doc Alan]

I don’t know you and I’m not a GP, but your posts here have shown common sense . Seeing your own doctor may simply result in prescription of sedatives ( anxiolytics ) to help sleep at night, and / or hypnotics which have a calming effect by day, or even antidepressants. Prescribing of these drugs is too common – in my opinion. It can lead to dependence and tolerance, with difficulty withdrawing the drug(s). They should only be given for short courses AFTER causal factors are established. Often problems can be solved “ informally “ without the need to visit a doctor, with the help of supportive friends / relatives, including – as you have done – members of the forum.
Many – if not all – members here have experienced - and shared – life’s problems, and challenges of long distance relationships. There is a good proportion of success stories – often after time and patience.
You may have seen a number of members are visiting Scarborough – North Yorkshire - on the weekend of 23-24 June. Send me a private message if you would like to join us. It will be informal and by then the long hot summer will have begun .

[stevie c]

Hi iani as others have said wait until the goverment brings this finacial regulation in as it may never make it pass the proposal stage. you are not on your own if this rule is implemented as this will affect many others here. please don't make any rash desicions be strong & positive as you never know whats around the corner. I personally don't see this rule being implemented.

[Iani]

Thanks for all the support guys.

Fact is, I'm just prone to stress. I am also deep down a very logical person and know full well it's useless worrying about this, which no-one really knows exactly the details of. Something though I have difficulty doing, is practising what I preach.

I guess this was an absolutely crazy thing to post this morning, feel a bit bad now, but hey - I'll get over it, I'm a big boy

Thanks again, like everything, just have to see

[bigmarco]

Hi Iani just read your story and it virtually mirrors my own. Only real difference is that I have 2 daughters who fortunately are now 18 and 20. I too was introduced to a lovely woman by some friends and we fell in love and last October we got married. Unfortunately our spouse visa application was refused which was just about one of the lowest moments in our life. We carry on with our appeal never knowing when we will be together but our love makes us both determined and unwavering that we will be together eventually no matter what it takes.
If your really in love its worth the battle because you'll kick yourself for giving up.
My heartfelt wishes for a happy ending to your story

[CBM]

The one rule that y0u must never lose sight of in these matters is that, if you are determined enough, you will suceed.

Honestly.

[lastlid]

I personally don't see this rule being implemented.

I cant see why it should be implemented but I am just a bit wary of this government on these matters. What gives me some heart though is that to go with the £26000 rule they would take out more like 2/3rds, not a half, out of the reckoning. I find it hard to believe that they will do that.

[CBM]

Why don't we all write to our MP's...right away?

This system works well - I used it for something else and got a sensible answer from my MP:

http://www.writetothem.com/

[grahamw48]

Perhaps inviting one's MP to the local Barrio Fiesta might not be a bad idea.

[Dedworth]

Perhaps inviting one's MP to the local Barrio Fiesta might not be a bad idea.

Oily Keith & Valerie Vaz

[lastlid]

Oily Keith & Valerie Vaz

MP for Leicester East.....not Berkshire.

[grahamw48]

Well, they might learn something.

How to 'integrate' for starters.

[Iani]

I phoned my mp yesterday, well she wasn't in - probably still in bed, after all it was 10.30. I got her assistant who suggested I mail her so she had it in writing. I said that what's the use as if they want to do something, then this lot will do it. His reply was that at least she can say how much concern it causes to the minster, and "we all know why they're doing it".

You only need to look at who it will most affect, what type of people coming in it will most affect. How conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient!

It's as I said, maybe immigration needs sorting - well we all know it does to be made more fair and controlled, but this isn't general immigration, this is peoples families.

We all know we'd stay with our familes, our parents, our brothers, our wives and husbands whether we lived in Buck palace or a grubby council flat (or a hole in the middle of the road with a bit of tarpaulin over it). Better or worse. When my parents couldn't afford to eat hardly when I was 12 for a few months, I didn't go off to live with aunt gladys, I stayed with them and subsisted on stew with the rest of us.

Point is, the government is out of order saying this maintenance thing is to make sure migrants aren't living in rubbish accommodation.
No-one expects the taxpayer to subsidise anyone, that is a joke.

Everyone knows, it's a lot down to the fact they can't do a thing about EU migration, and since the EU expanded to states which frankly it was insane taking them in, anyone could see what would happen.

[stevewool]

if this lady is for you and you are for her, you both will find away, it seems this goverment is doing everything the wrong way round, who will be in goverment next who knows, all you need to do is look at what suits you both and try and go for that, there is always a way of being together

[grahamw48]

I know some of us are always ranting on about the human rights court in a negative way, but this has to be an issue that belongs there...if these regulations are implemented.

Shame it will take years to go through though.

[Arthur Little]

I know some of us are always ranting on about the human rights court in a negative way, but this has to be an issue that belongs there...if these regulations are implemented.

, Graham ... !

[somebody]

Not well versed with the proposed Laws but I think 26,000 for some areas of the country is quite a high wage indeed so I guess we need to see how many MP's decide they will lose/gain to many votes on this idea.

IanI from a quick read of your posts it does seem like me you to think about things a lot, before the Doctors prescribe to many Meds (But do seem them to make sure your a ok ) Get out and about walk, swim, Cycle or Jog amazing how some exercise and time to let the mind go blank and think things though can help stress. Trust me LDR is up there in the high stress situations but best to find natural ways to calm you down I have found.

Like others say barriers have had what seem impossible barriers put up whether they be Uk or Phill regulations, problems with work or accommodation or family issues which seemed to be impossible love will always find away

[HACHE]

I'm sorry to read that you've been highly stressed about your situation.
There are of course many things we simply have no control or influence over, that unfortunately seem to have influence and control over our lives.

But we do have some control of how we see things, and what you need to do now is try and keep things is perspective, this minimum wage rule ISN'T DEFINATELY coming into force.

Alot of us have worries of our own. Some we share in places like this.
My present situation is a nightmare to be honest, has caused me untold anxiety and stress. And for what it's worth, you have much much more of a chance to be with your GF than I ever will with mine. The problems I have aren't based on a possible future rule that may never even come into force, its stuff I really can't do anything about. Well some would argue that I can find a huge pile of cash I haven't got, and find it in myself to sit around for ages for an anulment that may or may not be granted....if I love her. It's not simple.

So take heart, that you're unduly worrying about something that may not happen anyway..
And for times when your strength wanes, come on here, like I have, and you'll find alot of friendly support...