The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that"
says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing
but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw
20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis
tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for
the show......
I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his
face light up when he opened it
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him
over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my
house. I think he's lost his rag.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with
2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered
again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I
thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for
the channel said.....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were ?70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy..
I start a new job in Seoul next week... I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
Conjunctivitis.com There's a site for sore eyes. .....>>>>>
THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
Pass to all 40 yrs and older. Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of Wine.
Excellent Mick 
When I went to pay the attendant said to me.. "You have a car cann you grab those Penguins and take them all to the zoo for me!!! I said sure... 
