Anyone does experience Domestic Abuse? Needed Help please

[lovely12]

Hi everyone

I married to a british man , we have a child, my husband is the bilogical father.I live here now for almost a year now. Since I came here, my husband changed his attitude towards me.He is so nice guy before we get married.He is nice person but when he have his temper he seems like different person. He do swear to me, shouting at me and asking me and grabbing me out to leave the flat..Is this consider as Domestic Abuse?

at the moment Im staying at my friends house,I dont know really what to do, where to go.My friend cant support me and the baby's need. My husband didndt support us . I dont know if our relationship will work out fine if im gonna come back with him. Im just afraid that it might get even worst.

What Im gonna do? I am still on spouse visa, visa will expire next year.Am I still entitle for ILR if it happen that we will separate and asking the social services help to support me and baby? My passport say Im not entitle to recourse to any public funds., will this affect my application for ILR? Am I going to sent home if the home office know that I am seperate for my husband and claim help from Social Services?

Any advice and help is much appreciated ..Thank you

[grahamw48]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.

There is a free phone line you can use to get advice, or just to talk to someone experienced in such things. (There doesn't need to have been actual physical violence involved).

Here is the website:

http://www.nationaldomesticviolenceh...-violence.aspx

Your other questions I can't really help with, but you are NOT alone and there IS lots of free help available to you and your baby...no matter what your immigration status.

Ingat.

[Terpe]

This is just unacceptable and you must not accept this.

All married couple have 'ups and down' and all married couple have arguments. Sometimes strong arguments but when you are so frightened for yourself and you baby that you feel you must leave the marital home then the limit is passed.
This is only my personal opinion but if a person behaves so badly in that way then that is their nature and it's unlikely to change. Only to repeat.
You need to also to think about the impacts on the child even so young.

The advice of Graham is excellent.

Also please do take a look at this UKBA webpage called Victims of domestic violence

It explains how to apply for permission to settle permanently in the UK (known as 'indefinite leave to remain') if you are a victim of domestic violence and how to notify UKBA if you need to access public funds. It also provides contact details for organisations offering support and advice to victims.

Don't be shy to ask questions here.

You will find heartfelt support and advice.

Stay strong.

[Steve.r]

I am so sorry to hear this terrible news Lovely.

The advice given above will help you with the immigration areas and give you advice on where you stand legally if you are being abused.
Coming here I am sure you will find many friends who will keep you strong when you feel low, do not suffer alone when you can talk things over with people who care. Just look after yourself and your baby and don't put yourself in any danger.

take care ok

[joebloggs]

also your local law centre might be able to help you with free legal advice.
http://www.lawcentres.org.uk/lawcentres/detail/find/

as you have a British child it makes it more difficult for the government to deport you, as they have to take account of 'the best interests of the child'

[Arthur Little]

too, to read of your situation. Abuse - physical or mental - is inexcusable in ANY circumstances, and ought NEVER to be tolerated. Unfortunately, Domestic Violence tends to spiral and become all the more insidious, due to the fact that it occurs "behind closed doors" ... where, it goes without saying, one has the unequivocal RIGHT to feel at one's safest!

Thankfully, you've had the presence of mind to realise ENOUGH is ENOUGH by confiding in us - rather than go on suffering in silence. Consequently, it is my pleasure to you to this friendly, site ... where you can fully rely on members' helpful and supportive encouragement.

[CBM]

Good for you for being brave enough to post here.

Yes, it is abuse. Once a man starts to abuse a woman, he always gets worse; he can never stop himself. The only safe thing to do is to get out.

You can remain here, as Graham and Terpe have already explained, and you can get help.

[toughgirl]

My husband would yell at me or cuss me out when we argue especially when he's had too much to drink. He'd say I'm worthless and stupid. He'd tell me to shut up when I try to reason out. There was a time when he grabbed my glasses and threw it on the street. I literally had to bend and feel the ground for my glasses since it was dark and and I couldn't see clearly (my eye sight is terrible with a grade of 450 both eyes). He'd push me sometimes.

But when he wakes up the next day, he'd say he's sorry and that he didn't mean it but it happens again when he's drunk or mad.

Earlier, he didn't want me to go out with my friends just because he doesn't want me to so I complied just to avoid conflict but when I was the one to tell him to be home by 10 PM, he refused.

I love him, I really do, but sometimes it's difficult. I don't know what to think anymore. We have a son, by the way. I have nobody to talk to about it. Sometimes, I feel like there's a problem with me because he says that I should change and that I'm his problem and that I give him a headache and that I'm a pain in the a**.

[CBM]

You have a problem; it seems like your husband wants you to adjust to him but he doesn't want to understand that his family is half Filipino.

Can you persuade your husband to go to Relate with you?

[Terpe]

From what you've divulged it seems your husband may have an alcohol problem also.
Need to be careful with that one.

[toughgirl]

You have a problem; it seems like your husband wants you to adjust to him but he doesn't want to understand that his family is half Filipino.

Can you persuade your husband to go to Relate with you?

I forgot to mention he's half Filipino. Borne and raised in the Philippines and arrived in the UK 5 years ago.

I do tell him that we should compromise all the time but it's no use. He always wants things his way.

[lovely12]

Thanks for the reply in my thread. just want to ask a question , let say we will just going to separate but not divorce yet ,and I do full time job and I will not going to recourse to public fund, is there any chance for me to have an ILR when my visa expire?

[bikeinbatangas]

@toughgirl, he sounds exactly like my ex gf, selfish and controlling and worst of all, aggressive don't waste waste time, get rid of him . i kept giving my ex another chance, i made allowances for her, and all i did was dig a bigger hole for myself. save yourself more unhappiness, find a way out of the relationship. life is too short for spending it with a

[London_Manila]

Thanks for the reply in my thread. just want to ask a question , let say we will just going to separate but not divorce yet ,and I do full time job and I will not going to recourse to public fund, is there any chance for me to have an ILR when my visa expire?

To get your IlR you will have to prove to immigration that you are still with him

Normally you have to send both passports to luner house to prove that the relationship is still ongoing

If you separate with him then i doubt that you will get any help from him in the future

Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol and he needs to attend alcoholics anonymous
Things will not improve for you at home until he stops drinking

[bigmarco]

Hi Lovely and welcome to the forum.
So sorry to read your post but glad to see you have already received some good advice.
You must really understand that things will not improve with your husband and if anything will only get worse.
Time to think about whats really best for you and more importantly your child.
I sincerely wish you all the very best for the future in whatever path you take.

[Terpe]

lovely12,

Please do follow the UKBA link and advice I posted for you here:-

.........please do take a look at this UKBA webpage called Victims of domestic violence

It explains how to apply for permission to settle permanently in the UK (known as 'indefinite leave to remain') if you are a victim of domestic violence and how to notify UKBA if you need to access public funds. It also provides contact details for organisations offering support and advice to victims.........

From the information you have given you have a very strong case to legally secure ILR and also be granted special case to have access to support from public funds. To achieve this you must engage with UKBA.

If you prefer you could arrange a free consulation with an experienced approved immigration advisor.

[malditako]

strongly agree with terpe.

with you case you are likely can secure an ILR without depending to your husband. as some others have said you can call anti-domestic violence group. They would help you in any ways. Hope things would get better for you and your child. all the best

[joebloggs]

you will need evidence of domestic violence, so toughgirl and lovely12 collect what you can, maybe you will need that evidence oneday

[CBM]

There's some really good, considered, expert advice in the last posts here.

[lovely12]

you will need evidence of domestic violence, so toughgirl and lovely12 collect what you can, maybe you will need that evidence oneday

Thank you for your support and advice guys..If I will take it in the court,Can I use evidence to the court the appointment to the Doctor of the bruise in my arm 2 days after he grab me to get out of the flat.?But the problem is I didnt told the Doctor that my husband grab my arm, I just told the Doctor its naturally come out, its maybe in my hormonal imbalance thats why I had a blood test and it found out its above normal so have repeat it again this month to check if Im still above nomal. My health is already affected by what he is doing to me, I get depressed, upset and cant eat and sleep well. My attitude towards our baby is affected as well, I already easily irritable if he get nasty with me..

[grahamw48]

I would worry less about court cases at this stage and more about getting away from your current situation, so that you can at least be at peace and enjoying being a mother.

You should also be considering what is more important to you...getting ILR for this country, or the welfare of yourself and in particular, your child.

[gWaPito]

I would worry less about court cases at this stage and more about getting away from your current situation, so that you can at least be at peace and enjoying being a mother.

You should also be considering what is more important to you...getting ILR for this country, or the welfare of yourself and in particular, your child.

My sentiments exactly..we had a thread like this a couple of years back when the woman in question was debating about her ilr while getting battered at home...really somethings are less important...in this case the ilr....for Goodness sake put yourself and childs welfare first not a piece of paper.

Good luck

[Jack1969_uk]

To make sure he stays away apply for Non Molestation order through a solicitor and you can then use this as evidence,explain whats been happening to a solicitor at this stage it may not need to go to court but will make hime realise what he is doing is very wrong.
Try to instill all the love you have into your child forget abt him and please try to be le,ss irritable with the little one at the end of the day he was born out of love its no fault of the child that things turned out this way

[lovely12]

I am currently away now with my husband. One of the non-domestic abuse aid is helping me and our baby to sort out my ILR. They already get solicitor for me. The homeoffice knew already my situation and gave me temporary residence thats why I can access funds for limited period of 3 months only. Im still waiting for the appointment to my solicitor because I have to submit application within 3 months for permanent residency for my own right. I have to prove to the home office that it is really domestic violence , I already gave statement to the police and they already arrested my husband. Can I use the medical appointment to the Doctor 2 days after when the time my husband hurt me in the court as an evidince?

[grahamw48]

Ah, good to hear that you are making progress and away from this man.

I'm not an expert, but I would certainly keep and/or record anything that could be used in evidence.

Your solicitor will advise you on that.

I can't see them throwing you out of the country, incidentally....no matter what happened with you and your partner, or the outcome of the court case.

[lovely12]

Im worried now because if I will not drop the case and let it take it in the court, my husband might lost his job, I know he is willing to support the baby despite of what happen to us .he really feel sorry for what he did to me and want us to come back to him,.I dont know what to do now, I dont know if I drop the case or not?

[grahamw48]

The LAST person you need to feel sorry for is a partner who has so little respect for you that he has abused you in the way you've described (and that's all I can judge by).

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Just get that into your head and think of yourself and your child.

[grahamw48]

You will be able to survive perfectly well here without money from him.

I haven't had a penny from my ex-wife this past four years I've been a single parent looking after our son.

[lovely12]

thanks graham for the reply. what if my husband deny the statement I made in the police? he told them we are only have arguement and deny that he grab my arm which he really did..Since I dont have any enough evidence, the case might not take in the court and he will not be guilty at all. Is this will affect my evidence to the UKBA if I m going to apply my ILR if the decision is not guilty ? I have no solicitor yet to confide about this. hope someone could enlighten me..

[grahamw48]

I suggest you tell your solicitor (ie LAWYER) of your concerns, then let him do the job he is being very well paid to do.

I'm sorry, but I seem to be getting the impression that your ILR is more important to you than your welfare or that of your child.

You can always apply for a further extension of your stay while you sort out your life here.

There are many agencies who will help you in that, as you're already discovering.