I went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me "Isn't the bride a right ugly bastad?"
"Do you mind ? That's my daughter you're talking about."
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not . . . . I'm her mother you cheeky $%###!!!."
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A construction worker was on the third floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him. But the guy couldn’t hear a word he said from so high up. So he started to give a sign so the man on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to knock one out.
The guy on the third floor got pissed off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, ?I was telling you that I was coming.”
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Cheap Flights
Patrick and Murphy are talking over a pint of Guinness at their local bar.
Patrick said to Murphy “A strange thing happened at home last night"
Murphy inquired "And what was that"
Patrick answered “The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer"
Murphy - "And what did you tell her"
Patrick - "I told her I was looking for cheap flights"
Murphy - " So what did she say about that”
Patrick - " She said she loved me, threw me on the floor and we had the most amazing sex"
Murphy - “I’ll bet that suprised you Pat”
Patrick - “That it did Murphy, she's never shown the remotest interest in darts before."
My daughter had some friends over for a sleepover at the weekend.
I heard one of the girls say to her your dads a dirty old man and a disgusting pervert.
Well!!...I nearly fell out of the wardrobe.
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A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered
"Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
"W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"
Dear Mr North
On behalf of channel four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is Fact Hunt.
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"..
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A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking .
And then I saw her face......
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[img][/img]
A Polish fella, an Arab, and a Geordie are in the same bar. When the Pole finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (because he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his A
K-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Geordie, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Pole and the Arab. Catching his glass, sitting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, ...'In England, we have so many ....in Foreigner's that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
Keep them coming Fred
If you want your dreams to come true ...... first you have to wake up
the Pope visits Northern Ireland and asked Paddy what he thought of County Down
....he quickly replied
'Its not been the same since Carol Vorderman left!'
brilliant!!Originally Posted by fred
If you want your dreams to come true ...... first you have to wake up
Hi Steve!! Im not used to getting replies at this time of the day!!What?? Is it lunch time in China?
Anyway..Welcome to my time zone!!
are you bored there fred
Bored??? Never!!!are you bored there fred
Im having a ball Steve..
Cant you tell?
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, CEO of Ryanair...
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1.00 please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have brought a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3.00 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2.00 - you could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £.1.00"
"I also think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3.00"
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman,"that will be £2.00 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this £I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £0.10 per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for £1.00".
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980s and he seemed very nice.
Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big ....... tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “....ing wait a minute…”
This is why sweets are bad for you !!!!
Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rountree on a double decker. It was just 'After Eight' and they got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. 'I'm Polo, I'm the the one with the hole', she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rountree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had all sorts !!!!
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning.
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter,
I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact
that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset ----
I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night,
he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
that you are also 57 years old.
As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman
who has an excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference
– 18 goes into 57 a lot more times
than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!
You really make me smile Fred, brilliant!!
Thats the purpose of the thread Micheal !! Hope you continue to enjoy!
A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts: "Ey up Cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow ..... an it could kill thee".
The bloke says: "Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer, and slower please"
The farmer replies: "If.... You.... Use.... Two.... Hands.... You....Won't... Spill....any"
I was in the the post office today.
I asked the young girl behind the counter
"Do you keep stationary?"
She replied "Only to begin with, then I go like a ****ing rabbit"
One fer our Graham!
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God
The American thanked the priest and went along his way
Next stop was in Bradford
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God
'O.K., thank you,' said the American
He then travelled to York, Rotherham, Sheffield Dewsbury, and Pickering
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it
The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone
He arrived in Wigan, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Padre, I've travelled all over Yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Yorkshire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered 'You're in Lancashire now my son ... it's a local call'
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