TIRED of always getting the blame & faults pointed out.....

[min202]

Hello to all,

I am happy to find this website. Sometimes I have no one to talk to if I have some thoughts and problems about my fiance and I. I hope you guys can help me. My question is not about our visa but about our relationship.

My fiance and I met when he was in the Phils. We were together first for 1 yr before we got engaged. Then he applied for fiancee visa sponsoring me and my son of 7 years old from past relationship. Im 2 months pregnant now with our baby. The bad news is our fiance visa got refused. One of the reasons of lack of preparation of wedding plans in the Uk.... My fiance was very upset. He said that he had wasted (not spend) lots of money already on me and my son and felt like things were going against us

Dont get me wrong, he is a good person. Sometimes he just gets very matampuhin (I do not know english word for this -- grumpy?) if things do not happen the way he plans it. These are my observation about him:

~when he talks about our visa, it feels that he is blaming me...he says one reason could be my having a child from the past...it could be one reason our visa was not approved

~after the visa result he has always been making comment about everything how i write my email and text. he says its too short or i should not talk about this and that. I try my best to communicate but he finds fault with everything I do

~he ask me before what I have given to the relationship. I told him i love him and i remained loyal and faithful even when he was away. he said that was not enough. his exact word were...."you could never measure up. I have done a lot for you (listing all his help to me--financial and travel to see me) but you have not for me."

~i think this part is sometimes unfair because when he sends me a yahoo message when he gets angry..he does it as if I can just take it all. I know it is ok to say how you feel when you are mad but he just says it with no breaks. Sometimes I do not fight with the messages or emails he sends me and stay calm because I do not want to fight. We are in a long distance rel now and I feel tired when we argue plus i know it is not good for me and my baby allthough sometimes I want to voice out how I feel and be angry too

i know my fiance misses me so much, its just his way of expressing his sentiment is not helping at all. Sometimes even hurtful. Also sometimes it felt like he has the only right to talk and feel that way because he has done more in the relationship -- ako hindi pwedeng magsalita.......I feel like sometimes I just want to end our relationship and move on because my situation is complicated and that it is not easy for him. He also said he wish i had no child from my past and goes over everything when something goes wrong. I feel like he has regrets deciding to have relationship with me.

Not sure if i want to bring this up to him. Also thinking of just ending our relationship.

[tiger31]

he sounds a bit immature to me ,it is stressfull trying to secure visa,s but you just got to take your time on these matters no point in rushing things thats when mistakes happen.he knew you had a child when he met you so its no use bringing that up maybe he,s looking for an excuse to get out of relationship with you .I hope thats not the case as bringing up 2 kids on your own won,t be easy .can,t offer much more advice other than try to keep going best you can good luck anyway.

[Rhose]

can't believed this happening!! I suggest to follow the thread of bigmacro how they get through with their refusal. Mark didn't blame anybody for their refusal but he fight for it, for him to be with his love. This forum will give you more advise how you appeal from your refusal.

[MissAna]

if i were you, you need to talk to him about his attitude towards you . it's quite selfish of him blaming you for everything that happened instead you both need to work together to fix your visa. it will not be easy but if he really loves you, you are worth the fight...

[grahamw48]

Hi min202, and first of all, welcome to the forum.

I'm sure you will find a lot of friendly and understanding members here, many of whom have had previous experiences similar to your own.

Have you thought of copying what you've just written above and sharing it with your partner ?

Is he REALLY aware of the effect that his (bad) behaviour is having upon you ?

Sometimes people can behave in strange and perhaps unpleasant ways when they're under extreme stress, but from what you've said, this man appears to be looking for a way out of the relationship now.
He's never going to be able to change the fact that you have a child from a previous relationship, and it is his resentment of that fact that in my opinion could ruin your chances together in the longer term...but that is JUST my opinion.

It is easy for me to be wise in hindsight, but having a child together before visas etc (and even the foundations of the actual relationship) were sorted out was not a very clever idea.

Anyway, you're seeking help and advice, so rather than just giving you a lecture, may I also suggest that you encourage your partner to join this forum (if he hasn't already done so) as there are members here who will be able to assist him with the difficulties you and he are having with the visa application.

Finally, I think you are right to question the strength of your relationship though, and you need to communicate your thoughts to him in the best way you can.

[filbrit]

Not sure if i want to bring this up to him. Also thinking of just ending our relationship.

About ending the relationship, you will have two kids now. Think one million times... There may be no good excuse on his attitudes you have mentioned but it could only be caused by the visa refusal. What I am trying to say is, try to recall his attitude when you were together. Does he always react very badly in negative situations? Weigh the good and the bad. If you think, he is someone you can not deal with for the rest of your life, then you should know the answer. You said he is a good person. Your statements were "I feel like". Have you thought of giving a consideration on how you interpret what he says? I would like to clarify that I'm not on his side. Just want to resolve the issue than making you feel worst. Let's admit the fact that girls can be more emotional and we have a tendency to put meaning on things far beyond we should. I suggest you discuss this with him (specially about you having a child before him). But make sure he is in a good mood and try to find a good statement to begin the conversation (make sure the approach is you want to resolve the issue rather than just trying to make an argument).

There goes my opinion. I hope you feel better soon and be able to resolve your problems so you can both focus on what to do on the visa refusal. God bless you and the precious one in your tummy.

[gWaPito]

if i were you, you need to talk to him about his attitude towards you . it's quite selfish of him blaming you for everything that happened instead you both need to work together to fix your visa. it will not be easy but if he really loves you, you are worth the fight...

Totally agree with that...in hindsight it may of been a good idea employing a visa specialist solicitor...would save you the time and trouble doing it yourselves.....we have done this with my mother in law....totally hassle free..job done....had we had known before how easy it was we would of done it with my wife's visas.

As for your relationship, only you know whats going on...you got baby due in 7 months etc..perhaps your man is feeling mighty anxious although, that doesn't warrant the hurtful things you claim he says.

GoodLuck

[imagine]

He shouldn't be blaming you, and perhaps its more his fault if theres to be any blame, for not researching enough before hand ,

talk with him, , show him as graham said (Quote(Have you thought of copying what you've just written above and sharing it with your partner ?)
better still get him on here for seeking help and advise, this is a great site, friendly and helpful, and he can get stuck into getting your visa instead of moaning and blaming

[stevewool]

we all get angry sometimes and we take it out on the ones we love, but he should never say what he brings into the relationship and what you do, its called sharing, the most important thing is talking to each other, sometimes when i am stressed out i will ask Emma to give me few minutes to calm down, tell him how you feel and if he continues to be like he is dont reply for a few hours or days , but always remember you are his partner not his property to shout and scream at, and about measuring up, well i would laugh in his face and tell him to grow up

[myliitlehaven07]

I am not here to judge the guy but it is not enough reason just being angry to shoot and attack you with those kind of words. Its a sign of a controlling manipulative person,sorry but having been dealt with person like that i just know that it is or he is about to become one..the question you should ask yourself is... HOW LONG CAN YOU TAKE SUCH ATTITUDE? fibrit says you have to think MILLION TIMES because you will be having two kids, and i agree to that, but hey, TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR CHILD FROM YOUR PREVIOUS relationship, that does not sound right! how do you expect him to love your son?? the stress from the visa refusal is again not enough!! we women should think a million times when we deal with this kind of attitude to whoever person we are in a relationship with. yes, you may sacrifice your happiness for the sake of the kids, but as they grow up do you think they be happy seeing you unhappy all through out your life??? this are questions you should ask too,..

i am really sorry that you have to go through this, we all go through loads of stress during visa application, we argue because of it, but that is not enough reason for someone like your fiance to give you those blows!! it is an attitude which you should look out for.. be careful of,..hope that after your application and once you got it... may you not see the same attitude ever again :(

[grahamw48]

Good post.

[bigmarco]

Hi Min and welcome to our forum
I tend to agree with Graham and would like to suggest you copy and paste your post and send it to your partner to let him know exactly how you feel.
My wife and I have had to cope with a refusal and I know how difficult and stressful this can be. I just think he's not handling it to well and taking it out on you. He probably needs to join a forum like this so he will be able to meet others who are or have been in similar situations to you. The most important thing surely is to take what ever action is needed to make an appeal or another application successful.
But I think you should really let him know how he is making you feel and that this is not good for your relationship.
I wish you well.

[sars_notd_virus]

it is an attitude which you should look out for.. be careful(

I agree the only remedy for attitude is reality.

[grahamw48]

For me the aspect of most concern is his not accepting the lady's boy.

Blood is always thicker than water, as they say...and marriage certificates.

Unless that situation GENUINELY changes, I predict lots of emotional pain ahead for all parties.

[imagine]

when a man enters into a relationship and there are children involved, he must accept the children as if his own, cos when he gets married he takes on the responsibilty as a family he will love,

if he cant do that then he shouldn't wed

[sars_notd_virus]

Hi Min202

A lot of us have been in the same situation (hell and pain with the visa and the long distance relationship) , but if love is there you will surpass it all....tell your bf how devastated you are whenever he throws words on you , men here are very upfront they exactly tells you how they feel but if he got an attitude of turning around and neglect your words on him its not a good sign.

Welcome to the forum and hope you feel better soon.

[rhaichard]

hi min202 ,
i moaned and nag to my husband everytime we have the refuse visa .. but my husband only stayed quite ..

i agree to this ..

he sounds a bit immature to me ,it is stressfull trying to secure visa,s but you just got to take your time on these matters no point in rushing things thats when mistakes happen.he knew you had a child when he met you so its no use bringing that up maybe he,s looking for an excuse to get out of relationship with you .I hope thats not the case as bringing up 2 kids on your own won,t be easy .can,t offer much more advice other than try to keep going best you can good luck anyway.

and you really need to talk ur fiancee about his bad tempered attitude and remind him that you are pregnant ... its bad for you and your baby's health being so emotional and stressful ...

[rhaichard]

Not sure if i want to bring this up to him. Also thinking of just ending our relationship.

ending your relationship to him is not the answer for this ... you only making it hard for you and for your baby in the future