Page 10 of 10 FirstFirst 12345678910
Results 271 to 295 of 295

Thread: Fred's 2013 joke thread

Hybrid View

Previous Post Previous Post   Next Post Next Post
  1. #1
    Moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Marikina City
    Posts
    26,785
    Rep Power
    150
    Great thread
    Kept me laughing all year through
    A sincere Happy New Year to you and yours Fred

    Hope I'll be OK when the wife gets home


  2. #2
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “bugger it, soldier on”


  3. #3
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “.... it, soldier on”


  4. #4
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150


  5. #5
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150


  6. #6
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    I put my phone on airplane mode earlier,
    can't find it anywhere now.


  7. #7
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150


  8. #8
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150


  9. #9
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150


  10. #10
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    "If you'd had a
    tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I
    said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing
    Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why
    would he have a tin of shoe polish?


  11. #11
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    A Yorkshire man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

    "Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

    Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshire man', he thought,

    "What the heck, I'll treat her!"


    ... So they walked past it again...


  12. #12
    Respected Member Michael Parnham's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Nottinghamshire
    Posts
    11,643
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by fred View Post
    A Yorkshire man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

    "Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

    Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshire man', he thought,

    "What the heck, I'll treat her!"


    ... So they walked past it again...


  13. #13
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    South African toilet door lock



  14. #14
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    a man asks which aisle are the irish sausages in,
    the assistant says, are you irish?
    feeling a bit offended he says yes i am,
    but lets say if an italian asked you where the italian suasages were
    or if a mexican asked where the taco's were,
    then would you ask them their nationality too,
    probably not replied the assistant,
    and why is that replied the irishman,?

    assistant:
    because you are in halfords


  15. #15
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150


  16. #16
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis . . .

    Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley.


  17. #17
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    One for our Graham..

    Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

    Police have just released details of a new drug craze
    that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
    Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started
    injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
    Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"


  18. #18
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    An Australian was in luck and was able to buy two crates of VB beer at the local supermarket.

    He placed the boxes on the front seat of his car and headed back home. He stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

    She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in the passenger window revealing her ample cleavage, and said in a sexy voice,

    "I'm a big believer in bartering, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

    He thought for a few seconds and then asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"


  19. #19
    Respected Member les_taxi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Happiest place to live in UK
    Posts
    8,896
    Rep Power
    150
    Brill


  20. #20
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    Marty buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
    pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
    Marty doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
    wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the
    sheep are pregnant. The vet tells Marty that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant. Marty hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, Marty loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.
    Next morning, Marty wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
    still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
    brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, Marty wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
    "Try again." Marty tells himself do it again, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
    He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
    The next morning, Marty cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
    He asks Ree's his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.





    "No,"she said , "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
    the horn."


  21. #21
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    WTF???? Im posting in last years thread!!
    Too much red wine...Sorry!!
    Thread closed!!


  22. #22
    Moderator fred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South,North East,somewhere.
    Posts
    11,485
    Rep Power
    150
    Quote Originally Posted by les_taxi View Post
    Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
    Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night,
    "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
    When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
    But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still couldn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid himself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snugly and fell sound asleep.

    When his mum woke up she was furious!
    "Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
    "I am so disappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you've let yourself down too!"
    Les.. Check 222!!


Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 2 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 2 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Fred's 2014 joke thread.
    By fred in forum Humour
    Replies: 216
    Last Post: 19th December 2014, 00:23
  2. Fred`s P.I construction thread.
    By fred in forum Living in the Philippines
    Replies: 146
    Last Post: 6th December 2013, 22:32
  3. Fred`s 2011 joke thread!!
    By fred in forum Humour
    Replies: 143
    Last Post: 25th August 2011, 07:43
  4. The 2010 Joke thread
    By fred in forum Humour
    Replies: 237
    Last Post: 30th December 2010, 22:18

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Filipino Forum : Philippine Forum