Went to see my doctor and he advised me to watch what I eat, so I've booked some tickets to go and see the Grand National next month.
Went to see my doctor and he advised me to watch what I eat, so I've booked some tickets to go and see the Grand National next month.
80,000 blondes meet in Wembley stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
How many times have we all said, "I'm starving, I could eat a horse"
Now we're all f'ing moaning about it!
some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.....
I was just minding my own business then..... Bosch !!
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my bum!....'
Originally Posted by fred
Top class fred. This really really tickled me.
Yep, struck a chord as well
Keep em coming
If only
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I just had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
A man phones the council and says "I've just raped a fat ginger bird"..
woman at the other end of the line says "Well you should phone the police to confess, not us"
man says "No way, just get the lights in the park fixed so I don't make that mistake again"
Roses are Red,
Violets are glorious,
Never Surprise,
Oscar Pistorious.
'Pistorious 'I thought she was a burglar."
What sort of limp excuse is that !
That excuse is about as effective as a one-legged man in an ....-kicking contest.
Meanwhile the police are still working out where to put the ankle chain.
Honest food labeling.
Just seen Kevin Webster down the garage. . . . working on a 13 year old escort.
All good fred
Keep em coming
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Bugger it, ....Soldier on”
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you .......!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
Breaking News: Oscar Pistorius has escaped!
I invited my mate back home for dinner;
The wife screams at me
“I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework,
Not done the dishes and can't be bothered with cooking!
What the heck did you invite him round for?"
"Cos he's thinking of getting married”
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