George walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He
carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a
magazine.
"Honey," says George, "This is the pig I've been screwing when
you're not available."
"George," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."
"Shut up," says George. "I wasn't talking to you."
Camilla goes to the Queen and says
"Every time I suck Charles' knob I get acid indigestion!"
The queen replies "have you tried Andrews?"
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on
a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and
sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some
30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
shot him, the little ........
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weawy givths a thit."
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit p!ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly p!ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart *ss. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike And starts to sing.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Hahahahahahaha...Originally Posted by fred
-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark"
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the war!"
Great stuff fred, they're all 'real crackers'
Man at the back with the orange sign !
Hahaha. All great. Cheers.
....or in Filipina..." I lub you".
In Japanese " I rub you"....or in Filipina..." I lub you".
Two parrots sitting on a Perch.
One says to the other, "Can you smell Fish?"
Margaret Thatcher meets Jimmy Saville at the gates of Hell and Saville says "What are you down 'ere for Maggie?"
"Shafting miners", says Thatcher
"What a coincidence!", says Saville
Police arrested an 82 year entertainer in Berkshire, after claims he showed groups of children his “extra leg”
Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What"s it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi................." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman..
"Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui....."
Then the Scotsman tries..
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th........"
"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady, and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are now ready to order.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi......" stutters the Englishman "Three pints of gui gui gui gui...." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts.. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ......"
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a chat. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I"ll let you make love to me".
Quite confident that nobody will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch, Manch..." "No, you lose" says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?" trying not to laugh.
"E E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb....." "Sorry, you lose" says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra - exposing a fantastic pair of jugs. Finally she slides off her panties and then climbs into bed. Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory and then, right at the climaxing stoke, he suddenly screams out....
"............... D D D D D D D Derry!"
Paddy goes for a job on a building site
The Foreman asks "Paddy, can you make tea ?" to which Paddy replies "yes sir"
The Foreman then asks "can you drive a forklift truck ?" and Paddy says "bejeysus, how big's ye teapot ?" !
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