Little Johnny walks up to his teacher and she says, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Please miss, I just want you to know my dad got burnt yesterday."
"Not badly, I hope." replied the concerned teacher.
"Well, they don't mess about at the crematorium, Miss."
Little Johnny walks up to his teacher and she says, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Please miss, I just want you to know my dad got burnt yesterday."
"Not badly, I hope." replied the concerned teacher.
"Well, they don't mess about at the crematorium, Miss."
Fairy Liquid’s new advert is set on a council estate...............
”Mummy why are your hands so soft?"
“.......because I’m only 14-now shut up and eat your pot noodle!"
Curries and Uncles are so alike, one Dodgy one and your .... is sore for a week
We can always rely on you for a laugh
Hahaha ! Very good.
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
doctor doctor
'I think I'm a dog'.
Doctor said,"please lie on the couch"
I said....I'm not allowed on the couch'
A prostitute Told Me I Could Have Sex With Her For The Reduced Price Of £10 As She Didn't Have A Womb.
I Asked How We Would Do It And She Said 'Acwoss The Woad Against The Wailings'!
Hahaha ! Excellent Fred.
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday.
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman get on a plane bound for Brazil...
......oh no hang on a minute. It was just the Englishman.
I await the many groans.....
A tourist was walking through a cemetery in Vienna and all of a sudden he heard music.
No one was around, so he started searching for the source.
He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realized that the music was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it was being played backwards !
Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards.
Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing and again, backwards.
The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word had spread, and a crowd gathered around the grave.
They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards, just then the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the group.
Someone in the group asked him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"He's decomposing."
I was in the restaurant when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
I noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A young pakistani female woke up battered and bruised on a tip in a wheelie bin, police believe it was a family honour chrime. Father Chinda, mother Bhinda, and brother Dumpta will all appear at Birmingham criminal court on monday.
Excellent.
Thanks Fred........laughing is the best medicine...............well after a glass of beer
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that."
''Don't be serious..Be Sincere''
A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.
He said it was is lamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little ........
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
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