Police have new powers to fine bad drivers.Sounds a bit sexist to me.
I was recently turned down on my application for an Australian green card, on account of my criminal record.
Ironic.
A NICE FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl: 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
A man meets his friend who has started wearing ear rings.
He asks "Since when did YOU start wearing earrings?"
Friend: "ever since my wife found them in my car.
I thought the other day I would give my postlady a suprise.
So I stuck my knob through the lettrbox.
I don't know what suprised her the most ,my knob through the letterbox or that I knew where she lived.
Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night,
"Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still couldn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid himself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snugly and fell sound asleep.
When his mum woke up she was furious!
"Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so disappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you've let yourself down too!"
Australian Love Poem
]Of course I love ya darling, you're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous, I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready, there's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya, I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity but I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now, the moment that we met
I thought you was as good, as I was ever gonna get
No matter what ya look like I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on and fetch another beer.
My neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter
A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back! So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable ......., I'll pay you back monthly!" And the moral of this story is:- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there's always a ....... string attached!
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and
sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty
stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f*** do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
"Ryanair".
German in London, picks up a prostitute "I vill pay you £60 for kinky sex, Ya?" She thinks what the heck
I need the money. Off they go to an hotel room
He says " take off your clothes, he then takes out 4 springs from his coat and says "put one of zees on each of your hands and knees. He then tells her to get down on all fours
"Now put this duck whistle in your mouth and start to blow" she does so and starts hopping around the room on the springs
He strips of and copulates with vigour
She reaches the best climax of her life
When they finish she says "That was fantastic, what do you call it ?"
He says" in Germany we call it four sprung duck technique"
Bloke in Holland who invented inflatable shoes has just popped his clogs
At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy.
I loved that wheelchair.
How do you console someone with bad grammar skills?
There, their, they're
Women actually manage to defy the laws of gravity;
the more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate,
when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes..
I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
I was at the Doctors discussing my weight when he said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What like pie and chips?"
He said, "No. Fatty. Don't eat anything."
Mick Hucknall has been arrested for having sex with a rabbit.
Police sources say he was holding back the ears.
I told my long standing girlfriend she should sit down
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My girlfriend says that a small penis wont affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.
I managed to get some mixed herbs in my eyes this morning
.....been to the doctors....
He says I might end up parsley sighted
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