I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU,
Tubes entering different parts of my body,
Wires monitoring every function,
A gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
I heard her say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day .
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life .
Remember that advert ?
Update .
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day .
Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life .
My Chinese pal told me he had opened a Crows Shop
I said “You mean Clothes Shop!”
He said “No Crows……come in and have a Rook!”
If there was a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this will remove it. Only Divine intervention can restore us to sanity.
This says it all…….
Pythagoras' Theorem: .........................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .......................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: .................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ........................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address: ................................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : ..............................1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ........................7,818 words.
EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ..................26,911 words
My dad worked on the roads for twenty years before he got fired for stealing.
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.....
After the cop had shouted 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Had to visit a psychiatrist, yesterday.. I said it's not about me, my son thinks he's an orange... Psychiatrist said, 'well, you'd better bring him in to see me, then'.
I said 'he's here in my pocket'
I heard a really heart warming Christmas story recently which I thought I should share with you all :
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension payment.
Next week is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
And the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to have a glorious dinner with my friends. We
had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving .......s at the Post Office
This one really made me smile Fred, thank's for that!Originally Posted by fred
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted
fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher
lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
In a bank queue earlier today when two dyslexics ran into the bank and shouted ‘Air in the hands, mother stickers, this is a fcuk up.
Don’t you just hate it?? ...get all dressed up ...hot to trot!!!
...
then you catch yourself in a mirror and
REALISE...
forgot the lipstick...the whole look gone to custard right there!!!!
-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
I just can't stop laughing at this one...brilliant.
Thanks, and Happy New Year to you and yours Fred.
My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
I just sat my girlfriend down on the sofa and said, "There's something I need to do."
"What is it?" she asked, "You're scaring me."
I said, "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore."
She immediately jumped up, punched me in the face and ran out of the house screaming, "Never talk to me again you bstard!!"
F*****g great.
£1500 this engagement ring cost me.
I've bought the turkey
washed it..... plucked it...... stuffed it..... and got it in the oven
All I have to do now is kill it
what does a clock do when it's hungry?
it goes back 4 seconds.
(Took me some time to get that one.)
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Jane... Jane"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around
the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Yorkshire !
Jonathan ross has been arrested after saying "christmas is a good time to put wogs on the fire"
The cat one made me laugh the most!!This one really made me smile Fred, thank's for that!
Anyway..Thats the lot for this year..I`m off on the new years eve Alona jolly!!
See you next year!!
Happy new year everyone..Hope you enjoyed!
Cheers Graham..
And to yours!!!
Ges whyat??
Im rart assed!\
Happy new year!!
Fred!
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